Being Disliked

[RemyZee]

I keep reading about how many autistic people are disliked, and I feel like a dufus but at 58 years old I remain at times terrified of being disliked, and it can make developing friendships nearly impossible because I am so focused on how others feel about me. At times it's painful: I have had so many failed relationships I just expect that people will be irritated by me; or even harass me, gossip about me, excommunicated me. What complicates it is that unless it's very obvious I have no real idea whether people like me or not. It's a complete guessing game, and it's very isolating, affecting self confidence. It impacts especially my self confidence. It's trite.

I think I should get over it, stop caring. I don't fit into the stereotype that all autistic people don't care about whether they're liked or not. I do care, but at my stage I wonder if I can ever change it. It can be genuinely debilitating because unlike other conditions autism is social, --human beings are social animals. We rely on others for spiritual growth, for safety, for stability and for love and self esteem. If a person is disliked all of these are jeopardized. It is one of my largest challenges. I think, talk and act in ways that are different, and when animals sense difference they often attack.

All my life I wanted to fit in, and pretended I didn't care. But I do. I was wondering if people other than me struggle with the same thing, with fears of being disliked, of being genuinely disliked in contexts like work.

Do you care when you're disliked? Has it gotten in your way for things you want to do? And how do you handle it. I really appreciate this group and generally just listen. But to be honest this is a big issue and I'd be so happy for some autistic advice.

 

[Jumpinbare]

It mattered to me up till my teens. Then I knew I was intelligent and capable, and if that wasn't enough for people, that was their loss. After that, I just assumed most people wouldn't like me (not necessarily hate me, but not like me), and that was just an "oh well".
I was never comfortable in groups anyway, and I had a few friends, so that was enough for me.

 

[VictorR]

It sounds like in the past you've let a fear turn itself into a self-fulfilling prophecy, but you're willing to try moving past that.

It's never too late for new beginnings, and you talking about this is a good start.

Something to keep in mind is that most people are indifferent / neutral to most things, and most people don't necessarily share feedback when things are okay, just as most satisfied customers of a business don't say anything.

(In other words, if you're not getting feedback, that might be perfectly fine)

 

[MNAus]

a known trait of autism is that we can have faulty thought patterns. Black/white thinking and catastrophising are two of these. It may well be that your reaction the idea of people disliking you is not that unusual, but that your perception of when people dislike you is faulty. I mean, really, I don't know many people who would react positively or unaffected if nearly everyone they met actively disliked them. So the question is, do these people really dislike you? Or are you suffering from one of those faulty thinking patterns?

 

[Suzanne]

I am 54 and my thoughts have not changed about wanting to being fearful of not being liked.

Had it said to me so often that once one ages, it really doesn't matter. I respond: it sure has not caught up with me then!

I hate meeting new people, because for one: I have this need to explain myself and two, because I am fearful that they take a dislike to me.

I was told a while back that the reason neurotypicals do not like us, is because we are blunt, which made me laugh, as the person who told me this, is far more blunt than I can ever be!

If I am asked a question, I tell the facts, which often gets me in trouble.

I learnt, as a child, that I offend some people with my words and so, became mute. I was known as a shadow, as I would be so quiet, that it was as though I was not there.

Don't think I am a typcial aspie, because I am careful with my words, as I do not wish to offend. I do not go around not caring about what others think. But, saying that, I met a female once, who said she doesn't take anything to heart, but equally, she doesn't care how she puts things across and said that if others got affend, then so what? I concluded that I rather be sensitive, that cold.

 

[kriss72]

Hmm.. about being disliked, as an adult I have definitely met people who have disliked me or the fact that I existed on this earth, when I was a child and teenager there were some that found it fun to bully me - I don't think they like hated me, I was just an easy target to have some fun with (including from my own father who also loved me) - but then I have also met many people who have defended, protected and helped me.

I have had some issues with not been taken serious, but that is different than being disliked I think.

I think I have and am handling it by being naive and kind of living in my own world, that is not something I choose, it is who I am - I really don't get the hints and just continue to be me - I have been scared, like scared for my own safety by some of the random "dislike" encounters thou...

Tbh I don't know how NT's experience being disliked in this world....

 

[UFO]

My few thoughts about the general subject:

I can't tell what is going on inside people's heads. This means that I am in an information vacuum and, as MNAus said, subject to make faulty conclusions based on paranoia.

However, I have spent a lot of time reading psychological literature, and simply interviewing people how they think about things. As a result, I have concluded that even if neurotypicals dislike or hate someone, they don't want to do so. They want to get along with people just like anyone.

Because human being is a social animal, he/she is hardwired to attempt to get along with a group that he/she belongs to. He/she changes his way of thinking, his/hers opinions, his/hers attitudes to match with the group just to get along with the group and its members.

If a group has a member that differs from rest of the group, that could be a problem. But an attempt to get along even with that misfit remains. Difference between persons and the group must be real huge to make elimination of that misfit viable approach (ie. whole group must dislike that misfit, not just a single person with a bad attitude).

Thus, you can assume that almost all people in your work place, school class (well, perhaps less in school - too immature people and bound to create their own groups that don't have to interact with others), or similar, are more likely to at least attempt to be neutral with you, than to be actively hostile. They have to be.

Do you care when you're disliked? Has it gotten in your way for things you want to do? And how do you handle it.

I do care. Probably not as much as neurotypicals on average, as I am asocial personality (in sense that only form of socializing I like, and want from other people, is an information exchange), but it does bother me day or two (in worst cases, years) if I have openly acted stupidly or something.

But I am also prone to think that if they make an issue out of it, it is their problem, not mine (not that I wouldn't apologize situations - because not doing so would make it my problem both by consequences, and by my own feeling being the bad guy). And in the end, I am the only one who cares - they forget me and my mistakes in a minute if situation really doesn't affect to them.

 

[blue_bird]

Yes, I am sensitive to being disliked and shown disapproval. I have faced quite a bit of that in my life. A lot of the time it's because of things I can't control like ethnicity and my background etc. I'm more of the old fashioned type which is frowned on by a lot of people.

Most of the disapproval I got growing up was due to a prejudice against me based on dislike of others similar to me, and these prejudices still exist to this day. It's hard to believe sometimes that someone as meaningless as me can be held in such harsh terms by people, but it has happened.

So as you say it plays on your mind and I almost never open up to people for fear that if they know more about me, they'll end up disapproving of me as others have.

 

[Cryptid]

Lots of people -- even relatives -- have expressed dislike for me all my life, mostly due to my interest in learning. Some have told me they believe that ignorant people are open and friendly while educated people are sneaky and mean. Some have also stated that their feelings and opinions should count as much as my facts and knowledge. Then they exclude me from their 'family' and fun-time events.

But when I grew up, earned a degree, became 'successful' and retired comfortably, and they come to me with their sad stories of how they need to 'borrow' money for down-payments, to catch up on their mortgages, or to make cash bail, guess whom they claim is their all-time favorite person?

And guess who goes away empty-handed?

Yeah, I'm the target of their dislike, but at least as an old man I have finally earned it!

 

[Streetwise]

I keep reading about how many autistic people are disliked, and I feel like a dufus but at 58 years old I remain at times terrified of being disliked, and it can make developing friendships nearly impossible because I am so focused on how others feel about me. At times it's painful: I have had so many failed relationships I just expect that people will be irritated by me; or even harass me, gossip about me, excommunicated me. What complicates it is that unless it's very obvious I have no real idea whether people like me or not. It's a complete guessing game, and it's very isolating, affecting self confidence. It impacts especially my self confidence. It's trite.

I think I should get over it, stop caring. I don't fit into the stereotype that all autistic people don't care about whether they're liked or not. I do care, but at my stage I wonder if I can ever change it. It can be genuinely debilitating because unlike other conditions autism is social, --human beings are social animals. We rely on others for spiritual growth, for safety, for stability and for love and self esteem. If a person is disliked all of these are jeopardized. It is one of my largest challenges. I think, talk and act in ways that are different, and when animals sense difference they often attack.

All my life I wanted to fit in, and pretended I didn't care. But I do. I was wondering if people other than me struggle with the same thing, with fears of being disliked, of being genuinely disliked in contexts like work.

Do you care when you're disliked? Has it gotten in your way for things you want to do? And how do you handle it. I really appreciate this group and generally just listen. But to be honest this is a big issue and I'd be so happy for some autistic advice.

I care so much i won't say anymore as 99% of members dislike me

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I keep reading about how many autistic people are disliked, and I feel like a dufus but at 58 years old I remain at times terrified of being disliked, and it can make developing friendships nearly impossible because I am so focused on how others feel about me. At times it's painful: I have had so many failed relationships I just expect that people will be irritated by me; or even harass me, gossip about me, excommunicated me. What complicates it is that unless it's very obvious I have no real idea whether people like me or not. It's a complete guessing game, and it's very isolating, affecting self confidence. It impacts especially my self confidence. It's trite.

I think I should get over it, stop caring. I don't fit into the stereotype that all autistic people don't care about whether they're liked or not. I do care, but at my stage I wonder if I can ever change it. It can be genuinely debilitating because unlike other conditions autism is social, --human beings are social animals. We rely on others for spiritual growth, for safety, for stability and for love and self esteem. If a person is disliked all of these are jeopardized. It is one of my largest challenges. I think, talk and act in ways that are different, and when animals sense difference they often attack.

All my life I wanted to fit in, and pretended I didn't care. But I do. I was wondering if people other than me struggle with the same thing, with fears of being disliked, of being genuinely disliked in contexts like work.

Do you care when you're disliked? Has it gotten in your way for things you want to do? And how do you handle it. I really appreciate this group and generally just listen. But to be honest this is a big issue and I'd be so happy for some autistic advice.

Truth be known, and from other responses to various threads on this forum, many do care what others think of them. Some are desperate for love, friendship, and actively seeking to "fit in". What I think happens over time is disappointment and pain builds up. The only way we can cope with all of that is to find ways to bury it and put up walls. If we keep telling ourselves that we don't care what other people think enough times, we might actually start to believe it.

The first step towards dealing with a problem is being aware that there is a problem. The next step is identifying the underlying reasons. From what I understand, all animals (fish, birds, primates, etc.) identify with others within their community, and anything that is perceived as "different" is rejected in some way, sometimes with lethal results. Humans are no different, very tribal. Most humans will sense "something is off", often at the subconscious level, the amygdala is triggered, the brain is on heightened alert, and behind any politeness and smiles is a psychological "wall" that is created. Good luck creating friends and finding love when that happens (sarcasm).

Situational awareness is important. Myself, like many others here, have had a lifetime of misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and false "moral diagnosis" made. There are situations where it can be important to be "openly autistic", and by that, I mean, "getting out in front of it" by letting others know that what they may be sensing is autism, and NOT whatever their cognitive bias might suggest it is. Now, obviously, not everyone needs to know this information, and if you are already in a defensive or subordinate position that could be taken advantage of, then I would not recommend that. However, if you are in a position of authority or influence, then you might be in a position to let others know. I am an educator, a mentor, a leader in my department, so my students and close co-workers know. Now, this has NOT resulted in any change in friendships, but I no longer have people coming down the office to make their complaints to the manager and making certain comments on my yearly peer reviews,...the types of things that effect my performance reviews and ultimately my salary.

 

[marc_101]

To a small or large degree, I think most people (autistic or not) care about being disliked. I certainly care. The more you care about the other person the worse it is. Now, if I don't like a person, then I truly do not care one bit whether they like me or not.

The stereotype comes from not reacting in the way others would signal reciprocity, empathy, and mirroring.

In my experience, the best strategy seems to be the best person you can be, including being honest, and trying to not change your behavior out of fear. If you trust the person, you could try something different, like saying something like "I've had bad experiences in the past, and sometimes I worry I'm disliked, so please let me know if I unintentionally say something offensive. Sometimes my mouth moves faster than my brain. Or sometimes I don't show empathy even though I deeply care about other people."

 

[UFO]

There are situations where it can be important to be "openly autistic", and by that, I mean, "getting out in front of it" by letting others know that what they may be sensing is autism, and NOT whatever their cognitive bias might suggest it is.

"The uncanny valley", when they know that something is off but can't tell what it is...

so my students and close co-workers know. Now, this has NOT resulted in any change in friendships, but I no longer have people coming down the office to make their complaints to the manager and making certain comments on my yearly peer reviews

If you trust the person, you could try something different, like saying something like "I've had bad experiences in the past, and sometimes I worry I'm disliked, so please let me know if I unintentionally say something offensive. Sometimes my mouth moves faster than my brain. Or sometimes I don't show empathy even though I deeply care about other people."

These have worked with me when I few years ago (before I suspected autism) began openly warn people about my quirks. I don't know if people around me has begun to think less of me, but at least conflict situations have got easier, and I haven't noticed any kind of discrimination in my work, or changes in career development (there has actually been such thing ).

But "I am autistic" wouldn't be the first thing to say in job interview, though.

 

[Jumpinbare]

But "I am autistic" wouldn't be the first thing to say in job interview, though.

I was retired a bit over 6 months before learning I was autistic. One of the first people I shared the information with was my former supervisor. (I had the ulterior motive of letting him know autistic people could do the job in case it came up in the future. I was consistently rated "Top Talent" on yearly performance reviews).
His response was "don't take this wrong, but I'm not surprised".

 

[Misty Avich]

Yes I seem to fear being disliked. I don't dislike anyone unless they have a good reason to make me dislike them. I know I don't really give people a reason to dislike me, as I'm generally an easy-going person to be around offline (maybe I'm different online).

 

[Au Naturel]

To be alone is not the same as being disliked. To be ignored is not the same as being disliked. There is a big difference between not being liked and being disliked. One is a neutral, passive state, while the other is a negative reaction that can turn into action if it is great enough. Usually, active dislike stems from some sort of some sort of resentment, otherwise they'd just ignore you.

There will always be someone out there who dislikes any given person. Often times it is entirely in their head and for no objective reason. Be a saint and someone will dislike you for your saintliness.

 

[Cryptid]

. . . 99% of members dislike me

Is this claim your opinion, or do you base it on empirical data?

 

[kriss72]

To be alone is not the same as being disliked. To be ignored is not the same as being disliked. There is a big difference between not being liked and being disliked.

It might also be worth mentioning that people, even they like you or are neutral to you, might dislike certain tings you do - it does not mean they dislike you as a person. Like my closest friend dislikes when I take earplugs far away from the music area when we go to festivals, but we are still mutual close friends.

 

[Misty Avich]

I like everyone by default. If I have met or interacted with you, even if we haven't gotten to know each other yet or at all, I still like you, just as a default thing. I don't mean in a gullible way, but to me "like" can mean neutral.
Until someone gives me a reason not to like them.

 

[Au Naturel]

My few thoughts about the general subject:

I can't tell what is going on inside people's heads. This means that I am in an information vacuum and, as MNAus said, subject to make faulty conclusions based on paranoia.

However, I have spent a lot of time reading psychological literature, and simply interviewing people how they think about things. As a result, I have concluded that even if neurotypicals dislike or hate someone, they don't want to do so. They want to get along with people just like anyone.

Because human being is a social animal, he/she is hardwired to attempt to get along with a group that he/she belongs to. He/she changes his way of thinking, his/hers opinions, his/hers attitudes to match with the group just to get along with the group and its members.

If a group has a member that differs from rest of the group, that could be a problem. But an attempt to get along even with that misfit remains. Difference between persons and the group must be real huge to make elimination of that misfit viable approach (ie. whole group must dislike that misfit, not just a single person with a bad attitude).

Thus, you can assume that almost all people in your work place, school class (well, perhaps less in school - too immature people and bound to create their own groups that don't have to interact with others), or similar, are more likely to at least attempt to be neutral with you, than to be actively hostile. They have to be.



I do care. Probably not as much as neurotypicals on average, as I am asocial personality (in sense that only form of socializing I like, and want from other people, is an information exchange), but it does bother me day or two (in worst cases, years) if I have openly acted stupidly or something.

But I am also prone to think that if they make an issue out of it, it is their problem, not mine (not that I wouldn't apologize situations - because not doing so would make it my problem both by consequences, and by my own feeling being the bad guy). And in the end, I am the only one who cares - they forget me and my mistakes in a minute if situation really doesn't affect to them.

Out of sight, out of mind. And unless you are doing something to draw their attention, you are usually out of sight. We look at ourselves through other people's eyes and imagine them seeing every flaw and every mistake. Truth is, most of the time, we are invisible. Being noticed is the exception.