Behavior Directly After Adult Diagnosis (Age 31)

[GoldenRatio]

I was just recently diagnosed with Asperger's. The feeling of having a means to identify myself has been very euphoric, yet confusing at the same time. The reason for the confusion is I have always believed that my social interactions were derived from intuition, not intellect. Upon discovering that I was actually imitating the socially successful NT's around me, confusion set in as to how I should approach the future. So, for the past week (very recently diagnosed) I have trying to ignore all the things I have taught myself and act "normally", if that makes sense. I actually feels really good not responding to emotions, or empathy, that I simply do not understand. As of right now it feels right, and meaningful. It feels like I am displaying, for those who are close to me, how I really process what they are saying instead of internalizing my confusion to the required response. Is this healthy behavior, or am I heading down a path that will lead to added pain and frustration? Hopefully this makes sense; if not let me know and I will attempt to clarify as best as possible.

 

[wyverary]

Hi GR! Bienvenue!

I think it is good to acknowledge one's social limitations, as it removes quite a lot of stress.

I have trying to ignore all the things I have taught myself and act "normally", if that makes sense. I actually feels really good not responding to emotions, or empathy, that I simply do not understand. As of right now it feels right, and meaningful. It feels like I am displaying, for those who are close to me, how I really process what they are saying instead of internalizing my confusion to the required response.

What sorts of things, specifically, had you taught yourself?

 

[GoldenRatio]

Hello wyverary, thank you for the welcome! I seem to be in a trial and error period right now. I am finding this euphoria I have described is also accompanied with some highs and lows. Now that I am acknowledging the fact that I am unsure as to how to approach someone for social dialog, I am finding myself more timid (or realizing the timidness was there to begin with).

In regards to your question, obviously there are many situations, so I will reference two examples and if requested, I will provide more situations.

1.) Prior to my diagnosis my wife told me that a gentleman working for her was going to be moving to the east coast to be closer to his daughters. She was very sad about the fact that he was going to move and they would not be working together anymore. When she was telling me this I initially found it very confusing which in turn led to irritation. I could not understand why she would feel this way one bit. To me it would seem like the logical progression to perform the actions he is doing, why does this warrant sad emotions? I can verbally say out loud why an NT would feel this way, but it does not make sense internally. Now that I can acknowledge the fact that I do not understand it, I am choosing to verbalize that to my wife and not give reactions I memorized by watching others display them.

2.) I'll preface this second one as this is an example in which I am also looking for advice, if able to give. My wife finds emotional connection through sexual intercourse, where as I do not. I do enjoy sex, but the older I get the more I find little need for it (this is an assumption). I find it impossible to think about sex when I am deep in thought. Given my diagnosis was only a little over a week ago, my presumption is that an Aspie would understand that the time of diagnosis to present moment has been nothing but extremely deep thought. My wife has been wanting to have sex with me since this diagnosis, but sex seems out of the question and next to impossible for me to preform. Prior to this I would have had sex with her and internalized my deep irritation with the situation. Now I let her know why I do not want to have sex, but, even so find her asking me highly illogical and still frustrating as to how she is not able to understand my situation (even though that is irrational in itself). I definitely am confused as to how to approach sex from this point on because I am a full time engineering student and my mind is on school 24/7.

If you are unable to address some of these questions please do not feel obligated as I would not be at all offended! Also, just to reiterate, if this requires further clarification please let me know

 

[Ste11aeres]

2.) I'll preface this second one as this is an example in which I am also looking for advice, if able to give. My wife finds emotional connection through sexual intercourse, where as I do not. I do enjoy sex, but the older I get the more I find little need for it (this is an assumption). I find it impossible to think about sex when I am deep in thought. Given my diagnosis was only a little over a week ago, my presumption is that an Aspie would understand that the time of diagnosis to present moment has been nothing but extremely deep thought. My wife has been wanting to have sex with me since this diagnosis, but sex seems out of the question and next to impossible for me to preform. Prior to this I would have had sex with her and internalized my deep irritation with the situation. Now I let her know why I do not want to have sex, but, even so find her asking me highly illogical and still frustrating as to how she is not able to understand my situation (even though that is irrational in itself). I definitely am confused as to how to approach sex from this point on because I am a full time engineering student and my mind is on school 24/7.

In a way I liked this post because it goes against a stereotype that I am not sure is always true. The prevailing stereotype is that the man always wants sex, and the woman often doesn't. From what I've observed, this often isn't the case.
If I understand, it is hard for you to engage in this activity at this time because your mind is absorbed by all the internal reflections raised by your self-discovery, plus the stuff connected with your education. This prevents you from giving full attention to this aspect of your marriage. It is normal for us Aspies to have difficulty focusing on two things at once.
That's not really advice, i guess. Just restatement of what you've already said.
It might be harder for wives to deal with a spouses sexual withdrawal precisely because of the above-mentioned stereotype. Women aren't used to the idea that a man might not want sex, and they(women) might therefore not know how to handle it. They might feel that there is "something wrong" with their husband. Whereas a guy in the same situation might just make jokes with his buddies about how typical that is of a woman.
Again, this isn't real advice. If I think of actual advice, I'll give it.
Try to talk to and explain this to your wife, with the same clarity with which you explained it to us. Maybe with more clarity, since we already understand how hard it is to turn one's mind from one thing to another. Of course, maybe you have tried already.
This might be an opportunity to your wife to decide to move into a deeper level love for you, one where she will adjust her desires and learn to be happy just being with you. Hopefully you are nice to be around. But only she can make that decision.
If I think of real advice, I'll send it.

 

[GoldenRatio]

It is such a breath of fresh air finally talking to people who analyze information the same way I do, lol. You bring up some great points about the stereotypes for men and women. If my memory serves me correctly men start losing their libido around the age of 23 (or it starts declining) and women are around the age of 31. I believe that even for NT's this stereotype is wrong because of how stories I have shared with my NT friends. I also believe that because aspie men do not show women the sense of emotional output and desire they want, it causes them to want sex even more because they get upset at the fact that we appear that we do not need them. Again, that is only a theory of mine. It has been very hard for my wife to deal with this because she cannot understand why I do not want to have sex, and I do not understand why how she could expect me to think about having sex during a time like this.

To clarify what you were asking me though, my lack of libido is presumably due to the fact that I am trying to process my entire life right now and understand truly how I have spent the past 31 years progressing through life. In my mind right now it is completely irrational to engage in any activity that does not allow for me to truly process this information. My reasoning behind it is that I have never been able to understand myself and I am learning so much, even little idiosyncrasies are explained. I have always conformed to a social standard that I simply do not understand and I want to engage my full attention to processing this information. I really believe I deserve that after 31 years. This may be selfish but, it is how I feel.

To address our marriage specifically, my wife and I have opened up a line of communication that was never there before. I believe in the long run it will greatly increase our marriage but, right now she is having a hard time understanding how my brain works and I can definitely respect that. I find it easier to explain things to aspies because I know they will not be offended by how I talk. When trying to filter things I sometimes get confused and feel I lack clarity with my wife. However, I am sure with time and understanding on my part this will change and I will become more efficient at it without putting myself in the same position I was prior to diagnosis. I feel like a really bad person rejecting her sexual advances but, I have no clue how to turn my brain off right now, as you stated. Maybe the reason I can't turn it off is because I don't want to. I am finding it extremely enjoyable going through my you and analyzing how I handled social situations (this does not include bullying or teasing, I find the enjoyment is derived from scientific aspects and self enlightenment).

What are your thoughts on this? Does it seem like I am being selfish? You may not feel it is advice but, it does help me because we talk and think nearly the same and it engages a different aspect I may not have thought about in a language I speak

 

[Ste11aeres]

It is such a breath of fresh air finally talking to people who analyze information the same way I do, lol. You bring up some great points about the stereotypes for men and women. If my memory serves me correctly men start losing their libido around the age of 23 (or it starts declining) and women are around the age of 31.

I've noticed that on the internet there's a heck of a lot more sites with women complaining about their husbands not wanting sex than vice versa..

 

[Ste11aeres]

It is such a breath of fresh air finally talking to people who analyze information the same way I do, lol. You bring up some great points about the stereotypes for men and women. If my memory serves me correctly men start losing their libido around the age of 23 (or it starts declining) and women are around the age of 31. I believe that even for NT's this stereotype is wrong because of how stories I have shared with my NT friends. I also believe that because aspie men do not show women the sense of emotional output and desire they want, it causes them to want sex even more because they get upset at the fact that we appear that we do not need them. Again, that is only a theory of mine. It has been very hard for my wife to deal with this because she cannot understand why I do not want to have sex, and I do not understand why how she could expect me to think about having sex during a time like this.

To clarify what you were asking me though, my lack of libido is presumably due to the fact that I am trying to process my entire life right now and understand truly how I have spent the past 31 years progressing through life. In my mind right now it is completely irrational to engage in any activity that does not allow for me to truly process this information. My reasoning behind it is that I have never been able to understand myself and I am learning so much, even little idiosyncrasies are explained. I have always conformed to a social standard that I simply do not understand and I want to engage my full attention to processing this information. I really believe I deserve that after 31 years. This may be selfish but, it is how I feel.

To address our marriage specifically, my wife and I have opened up a line of communication that was never there before. I believe in the long run it will greatly increase our marriage but, right now she is having a hard time understanding how my brain works and I can definitely respect that. I find it easier to explain things to aspies because I know they will not be offended by how I talk. When trying to filter things I sometimes get confused and feel I lack clarity with my wife. However, I am sure with time and understanding on my part this will change and I will become more efficient at it without putting myself in the same position I was prior to diagnosis. I feel like a really bad person rejecting her sexual advances but, I have no clue how to turn my brain off right now, as you stated. Maybe the reason I can't turn it off is because I don't want to. I am finding it extremely enjoyable going through my you and analyzing how I handled social situations (this does not include bullying or teasing, I find the enjoyment is derived from scientific aspects and self enlightenment).

What are your thoughts on this? Does it seem like I am being selfish? You may not feel it is advice but, it does help me because we talk and think nearly the same and it engages a different aspect I may not have thought about in a language I speak

Sometimes difficult situations in a marriage end up leading to the two persons becoming closer. I can't guarantee that this will happen in your case, but it is a possibility. I read a fascinating blog post once.#14 I?m a gay man, married to an exceptional woman. And you know what? I don?t want to be straight! | Faithful Gay Mormon
This is about how a difficult issue in a marriage led to them becoming closer.
By the way, for anyone reading this, this is not a request to start a conversation about homosexuality, or mixed orientation marriages, or anything like that. Such a topic can become far too heated and nasty. Plus it would distract from the issue at hand, which is GoldenRatio's situation. I'm only using the above link as an example of a married couple facing a challenge together. :S :alien2:

 

[GoldenRatio]

Sometimes difficult situations in a marriage end up leading to the two persons becoming closer. I can't guarantee that this will happen in your case, but it is a possibility. I read a fascinating blog post once.#14 I’m a gay man, married to an exceptional woman. And you know what? I don’t want to be straight! | Faithful Gay Mormon
This is about how a difficult issue in a marriage led to them becoming closer.
By the way, for anyone reading this, this is not a request to start a conversation about homosexuality, or mixed orientation marriages, or anything like that. Such a topic can become far too heated and nasty. Plus it would distract from the issue at hand, which is GoldenRatio's situation. I'm only using the above link as an example of a married couple facing a challenge together. :S :alien2:

One part of me wants to talk about gay marriage, in a good way of course . On the other hand, how can I argue with you arguing the point of keeping the topic on me. I can't, so GoldenRatio #1 go away. haha.

That was a really good read. Obviously, there are level's I cannot understand, but that is not the point. The premise is unconditional love in unusual circumstances. I love my wife to pieces and want to honor our marriage in that fashion, a fashion under new circumstances now. My wife finally opened up to me tonight and I learned a lot of what she was going through during this process. She expressed that she felt that she was last in our family and was not able to talk about how she is handling this. I feel selfish for not understanding this or recognizing this (not an attempt for self pity). However, I applied logic to the situation and we accomplished a lot and it feels extremely good.

 

[Ylva]

When I got my diagnosis, my behaviour got more Aspergian. There are several possible explanations for this:

1) I got more comfortable with myself, since how I am naturally suddenly just made sense.

2) I respond very strongly to expectations, and labels have inherent expectations.

3) Basically, I got called on my "masquerade", what I'd more fairly describe as my main social coping strategy, and subconsciously decided to just let the mask fall.

 

[rhubarbo]

When I got my diagnosis, my behaviour got more Aspergian. There are several possible explanations for this:

1) I got more comfortable with myself, since how I am naturally suddenly just made sense.

2) I respond very strongly to expectations, and labels have inherent expectations.

3) Basically, I got called on my "masquerade", what I'd more fairly describe as my main social coping strategy, and subconsciously decided to just let the mask fall.

I see these in myself since diagnosis four months ago. I am more comfortable with myself and let the masks falls without being self-critical. Knowing about the masks is a very powerful thing in itself. There are times they are necessary. I also avoid certain situations that I know are triggers. Overall I am certain that my behavior appears more aspergian - but my anxiety is way lower and I am generally happier than I was in the past.

 

[GoldenRatio]

I am going through the exact same process, as obviously stated. It is always nice hearing someone else put it differently and has helped me see more and more about myself. My wife has stated that she sees me as a lot more calm, and I feel a lot more calm. I feel so much more comfortable with myself that the "mask" doesn't seem to be needed anymore. How long ago were you diagnosed?

 

[Ylva]

How long ago were you diagnosed?

February/March.

 

[rhubarbo]

February/March.

Same here. Self-Diagnosed last October. Doctor Diagnosed Mid-February.

I am 38, married with a gaggle of kids.

 

[asnlifecoach]

Hello wyverary, thank you for the welcome! I seem to be in a trial and error period right now. I am finding this euphoria I have described is also accompanied with some highs and lows. Now that I am acknowledging the fact that I am unsure as to how to approach someone for social dialog, I am finding myself more timid (or realizing the timidness was there to begin with).

In regards to your question, obviously there are many situations, so I will reference two examples and if requested, I will provide more situations.

1.) Prior to my diagnosis my wife told me that a gentleman working for her was going to be moving to the east coast to be closer to his daughters. She was very sad about the fact that he was going to move and they would not be working together anymore. When she was telling me this I initially found it very confusing which in turn led to irritation. I could not understand why she would feel this way one bit. To me it would seem like the logical progression to perform the actions he is doing, why does this warrant sad emotions? I can verbally say out loud why an NT would feel this way, but it does not make sense internally. Now that I can acknowledge the fact that I do not understand it, I am choosing to verbalize that to my wife and not give reactions I memorized by watching others display them.

2.) I'll preface this second one as this is an example in which I am also looking for advice, if able to give. My wife finds emotional connection through sexual intercourse, where as I do not. I do enjoy sex, but the older I get the more I find little need for it (this is an assumption). I find it impossible to think about sex when I am deep in thought. Given my diagnosis was only a little over a week ago, my presumption is that an Aspie would understand that the time of diagnosis to present moment has been nothing but extremely deep thought. My wife has been wanting to have sex with me since this diagnosis, but sex seems out of the question and next to impossible for me to preform. Prior to this I would have had sex with her and internalized my deep irritation with the situation. Now I let her know why I do not want to have sex, but, even so find her asking me highly illogical and still frustrating as to how she is not able to understand my situation (even though that is irrational in itself). I definitely am confused as to how to approach sex from this point on because I am a full time engineering student and my mind is on school 24/7.

If you are unable to address some of these questions please do not feel obligated as I would not be at all offended! Also, just to reiterate, if this requires further clarification please let me know

Let me ask some questions to get a better understanding of the situation.

1. How would you feel if your wife left you? Would you have feelings? Is she a meaningful part of your life that you would miss if she were absent? Your answer here may help you to understand her sadness of her friend leaving her. Or, it may not.

2. Your wife's need for emotional connection is real, valid, and very important to her. While she may logically be able to understand that you have little need for sex (which is also real, valid, and understandable), internally for her it does not make sense. To her, it is an expression of love and closeness as well as a natural response towards someone she loves. Is this something that you understand?

3. What is something that your wife gives you that you cannot live without? It can be something as simple as she makes you dinner every night, or perhaps keeps a calendar so that you stay organized. Tell me something that she does for you on a consistent basis that you need her for. Then, think to yourself, what do you give her in return? It is understandable that school is on your mind 24/7 but it is not acceptable. If you have a wife, time needs to be devoted to her to meet her needs in some way. Does she devote time to meet your needs? If she does, you need to find a way to do so in return. If she does not, then you both need to reevaluate the relationship.

You said that you are both communicating on a higher level now. That is a good thing. Remember though, not all good things lead to the outcomes you may want. Sometimes understanding each other better will lead to the end of a relationship. Other times it strengthens the relationship greatly. You need to figure out a way to make time for BOTH your relationship and school...and somewhere in there make time for yourself too. If you do not, you risk losing your relationship and all that will be left is school, and you.

 

[Loomis]

Congratulations Golden Ratio. I believe you are doing exactly what you should do. I was diagnosed almost exactly one year ago and have been doing what you describe for a year. I never realized I was trying to be a NT but after my diagnosis it all made sense and I understood I had been trying to do the impossible. It has been a very freeing experience to just be my aspie self.

 

[GoldenRatio]

Let me ask some questions to get a better understanding of the situation.

1. How would you feel if your wife left you? Would you have feelings? Is she a meaningful part of your life that you would miss if she were absent? Your answer here may help you to understand her sadness of her friend leaving her. Or, it may not.

2. Your wife's need for emotional connection is real, valid, and very important to her. While she may logically be able to understand that you have little need for sex (which is also real, valid, and understandable), internally for her it does not make sense. To her, it is an expression of love and closeness as well as a natural response towards someone she loves. Is this something that you understand?

3. What is something that your wife gives you that you cannot live without? It can be something as simple as she makes you dinner every night, or perhaps keeps a calendar so that you stay organized. Tell me something that she does for you on a consistent basis that you need her for. Then, think to yourself, what do you give her in return? It is understandable that school is on your mind 24/7 but it is not acceptable. If you have a wife, time needs to be devoted to her to meet her needs in some way. Does she devote time to meet your needs? If she does, you need to find a way to do so in return. If she does not, then you both need to reevaluate the relationship.

You said that you are both communicating on a higher level now. That is a good thing. Remember though, not all good things lead to the outcomes you may want. Sometimes understanding each other better will lead to the end of a relationship. Other times it strengthens the relationship greatly. You need to figure out a way to make time for BOTH your relationship and school...and somewhere in there make time for yourself too. If you do not, you risk losing your relationship and all that will be left is school, and you.

Thank you very much for taking the time and responding to my thread! I will answer the questions to the best of my ability so, if I am unclear please tell me and I will clarify.

1.) I am unsure how I would feel. I am an only child and my parents divorced when I was six. My belief is with those two elements and my Asperger's I do not elicit many emotions with humans. I think I would miss her however, I am unsure as to how much. I do not believe that this is a measurement of my love for her, but I may be wrong. I will also add that I do love my wife and have no intentions of leaving her.

2.) It makes sense to me some what. I could tell my wife that as of now, we cannot go faster than the speed of light. She could understand that but, not comprehend it and that is how I feel. To me I am figuring out who I really am for the first time in 31 years. I get upset because I feel like this is turning into being about her and her emotions. Why can't I just have a couple of weeks to process all this information without being pestered about sex. I have been meeting emotional needs for people all my life and been mocked and ridiculed for being weird. It is highly upsetting for me to deal with sex at a time like now.

3.) I do not think there is anything that anyone could provide for me in which I could not live without. The Water-Diamond Theory states that if you were in the middle of a desert and were offered either a hand full of diamonds, or a gallon of water, what would you take. Now, take the same situation except that you are in New York, what would you take? I just can't grasp that there are things I need or could live without. Some things I do enjoy about her are being extroverted and loving. She also comes from an extremely stable house hold which I really like because I think it adds an element of solidity to our family I am unable to provide. I believe I do not provide her anything at all because she seems to crave highly emotional responses from me that I am unable to give. Sometimes if I am in a really good mood I am able to open up to her some what, but thinking about heavy emotions makes my stomach turn. I can logically recognize that this is unfair to her but am left at a loss.

I also have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that school being on my mind 24/7 is not acceptable. To me math and science are where I find almost absolute comfort. To me these observations and understandings, of our universe, transcend human emotions. I am able to do extremely well in these areas of studies, get great grades, and get closer to getting a degree that will yield a good job. This good job potentially can return money for my sons college, a good place to live, and a good retirement for us. I also am not happy with anything less than a 4.0 in my classes. I feel like being happy about a 3.8 is settling because in this case, perfection is a possibility and I should capitalize. I also have a hard time taking her seriously because she has made the comment twice that she feels like I am studying so much to get away from the family, and that is simply not the case. I study so much because I want good grades and greatly minimize the chances of getting turned down to the school I want to transfer to. I can acknowledge how this is very one-way but, do not know how to approach it any other way. It seems the most logical to me for the success of our family.


Hopefully this is not coming off rude because that is not my intentions. Again, thank you!

 

[GoldenRatio]

Congratulations Golden Ratio. I believe you are doing exactly what you should do. I was diagnosed almost exactly one year ago and have been doing what you describe for a year. I never realized I was trying to be a NT but after my diagnosis it all made sense and I understood I had been trying to do the impossible. It has been a very freeing experience to just be my aspie self.

I really appreciate the support. I'm finding now that the euphoria is starting to wear off because I seem to be the only one around me who is really happy with it. My dad read some stuff on the internet and called to tell me that he doesn't see any of it in me, and what am I really trying to pursue. I am getting seriously fed up with the NT way of thinking. I recognize that my judgement is clouded with anger right now, but who the f is my dad to say that sh*t. People wonder why I isolate and immerse myself in math. It's because I am surrounded by stupid people all the time. F'n fed up with it.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I also have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that school being on my mind 24/7 is not acceptable. To me math and science are where I find almost absolute comfort. To me these observations and understandings, of our universe, transcend human emotions. I am able to do extremely well in these areas of studies, get great grades, and get closer to getting a degree that will yield a good job. This good job potentially can return money for my sons college, a good place to live, and a good retirement for us. I also am not happy with anything less than a 4.0 in my classes. I feel like being happy about a 3.8 is settling because in this case, perfection is a possibility and I should capitalize. I also have a hard time taking her seriously because she has made the comment twice that she feels like I am studying so much to get away from the family, and that is simply not the case. I study so much because I want good grades and greatly minimize the chances of getting turned down to the school I want to transfer to. I can acknowledge how this is very one-way but, do not know how to approach it any other way. It seems the most logical to me for the success of our family.


Hopefully this is not coming off rude because that is not my intentions. Again, thank you!

I really really understand about school being on your mind 24/7. However, the objective fact is, it shouldn't be. The objective fact is, you should be happy with a 3.8 .It is better to settle for a less than perfect grade, than to settle for less than perfect marital or paternal/child relationships.

The problem is, if one has Aspie obsessiveness, it is extremely hard to think about other things; it is extremely hard to be happy with that 3.8. even if you realize you should think about other things, even if you realize you should "settle," even if you want to think about other things. Believe me, I know.

By the way, sorry about your dad not understanding. Realizing about Aspiness in myself was a huge thing. My life hasn't been the same. (which is good) But people who haven't gone through it don't understand. My best friend had an amazing reaction. Then he told me, he suspected the same thing about himself. I stopped telling people other than him, because, at best, it meant nothing to them.

The success of your family depends more on the attention you give your family members than on your academic success.
In reality, a job does not always depend on the perfection of your grades (a tough lesson some of us learn when we get into the "real world") (side note, every wonder why the word "real" is usually used just in reference to unpleasant things?)
Many men make the mistake of thinking that providing for their family (which is necessary, obviously) makes up for emotional absence.

However, I know that you don't want to be emotionally absent. i know you don't want to get away from your family. Please don't take my previous words as being harsh or non-understanding. The real problem has to do with the difficulty of focusing on different things at once. This is especially hard for us with AS, with our obsessive nature. I wish there was some amazing advice i could give such as "do a and c and then you will be able to study at times and then at other times turn your full attention to your family." Not that easy.

Our studying/analyzing/obsessing brain does not come with some sort of on/off switch. :help: It would be great if it did. (freedom!):bounce: :cloud9: Our mind can itself entrap us :banghead:

So I haven't given you a remedy. Just a bunch of smiley faces. (weird humor)
However... My greatest obsession in the end was a person. Your wife can be yours. (it'd be cool to find the on switch for that :cloud9

Now I'm making it sound like "it's all your fault." I don't mean that. sorry.
In all honesty, I'd be so amazed if a guy i cared for liked me enough to marry me, that i'd let him have all the few-week-period-to-figure-things-out that he needed. Have things been difficult between you and your wife for a while? Or is it only in these past few weeks since you've been figuring things out? That could be an important question (you don't have to tell us unless you want to.)

 

[Ste11aeres]

I really really understand about school being on your mind 24/7.

I'm trying to write nine papers for two classes (philosophy and history) while studying chemistry and math (and maintaining a deep spiritual life)
In all honesty, given that your diagnosis was so recent, it's no wonder it's on your mind. two or so weeks is not a long time.

 

[GoldenRatio]

I really really understand about school being on your mind 24/7. However, the objective fact is, it shouldn't be. The objective fact is, you should be happy with a 3.8 .It is better to settle for a less than perfect grade, than to settle for less than perfect marital or paternal/child relationships.

The problem is, if one has Aspie obsessiveness, it is extremely hard to think about other things; it is extremely hard to be happy with that 3.8. even if you realize you should think about other things, even if you realize you should "settle," even if you want to think about other things. Believe me, I know.

By the way, sorry about your dad not understanding. Realizing about Aspiness in myself was a huge thing. My life hasn't been the same. (which is good) But people who haven't gone through it don't understand. My best friend had an amazing reaction. Then he told me, he suspected the same thing about himself. I stopped telling people other than him, because, at best, it meant nothing to them.

The success of your family depends more on the attention you give your family members than on your academic success.
In reality, a job does not always depend on the perfection of your grades (a tough lesson some of us learn when we get into the "real world") (side note, every wonder why the word "real" is usually used just in reference to unpleasant things?)
Many men make the mistake of thinking that providing for their family (which is necessary, obviously) makes up for emotional absence.

However, I know that you don't want to be emotionally absent. i know you don't want to get away from your family. Please don't take my previous words as being harsh or non-understanding. The real problem has to do with the difficulty of focusing on different things at once. This is especially hard for us with AS, with our obsessive nature. I wish there was some amazing advice i could give such as "do a and c and then you will be able to study at times and then at other times turn your full attention to your family." Not that easy.

Our studying/analyzing/obsessing brain does not come with some sort of on/off switch. :help: It would be great if it did. (freedom!):bounce: :cloud9: Our mind can itself entrap us :banghead:

So I haven't given you a remedy. Just a bunch of smiley faces. (weird humor)
However... My greatest obsession in the end was a person. Your wife can be yours. (it'd be cool to find the on switch for that :cloud9

Now I'm making it sound like "it's all your fault." I don't mean that. sorry.
In all honesty, I'd be so amazed if a guy i cared for liked me enough to marry me, that i'd let him have all the few-week-period-to-figure-things-out that he needed. Have things been difficult between you and your wife for a while? Or is it only in these past few weeks since you've been figuring things out? That could be an important question (you don't have to tell us unless you want to.)

Your words (and emoticons!) helped me out a lot. I'm sure you can relate to this; I feel like I am at a fork in the road, but there are more than 3 paths to choose and I am confused as to which one to take. I really don't want to let this consume me and become a recluse and at the same time I want to respect what I have and not treat it like a parasite. You are right about the grades, it only adds sleepless nights and arguments from between my wife and I. I can though, with honesty, say that I do not ignore my son. I love spending time and playing with him during the day as it brings me a lot of peace of mind. His innocence and smile have a very calming effect on me, plus, even at only 2 1/2 he loves to organize things exactly how I do , haha. I can recognize that my wife deserves the love I promised to give her when we married each other; she has given me the respect I desire and is an amazing wife. I get frustrated a lot at myself because I recognize it yet, I cannot generate the emotions to honor this. I definitely agree about the fact that men do make that mistake of thinking it is the only means as to provide. I spent 11.5 years in the military and let that be a driving force. The main reason I got out, aside from being absolutely miserable, is because I wanted to be there for my family.

I appreciate the concern about my dad. I am unsure as to how I am going to proceed with this situation. I am unsure if I want to be around him anymore if this is not something he is going to take seriously. My wife and son can go visit him but, I am not going to be looked at like I am some joke. This is something that I will have to think long and hard about.

I just want you to know, that you, and others on here, have given me some of the best advice I have ever received in my life. Just speaking my language has helped me leaps and bounds, let alone being in the same situation as me with this condition.

I am hoping I can find that switch too haha, that would be amazing!