Autism with work and self esteem...

[Wishitaway]

Hi all,

Basically, I started working about two months ago and I'm finding it extremely draining mentally. I never fit in anywhere and I'm trying so hard to fit in, I want to be liked but I've already been told in a very jokingly manner that I talk a lot (this was said without malice) but I find it really hard to know when to stop talking. I am fully aware that I talk too much and overshare but it often happens before I can even stop it.

My self esteem has always been awful since my childhood wasn't the best and school was pretty horrific. I constantly feel like I'm doing everything wrong and that people are fed up with me. I'm worried I'm doing and saying the wrong things. I'm quite blunt sometimes whereas other times I let people walk all over me.

How do I raise my confidence because this is draining me? I'm exhausted with worrying all the time and trying so hard to fit in. I'm on a waiting list for therapy but we all know how that one goes

I'm currently sat in the house cringing about how much I've talked and overshared at work when I should have just shut my mouth, so I'm even worrying when I'm out of work.

 

[maycontainthunder]

I think you're trying way too hard. Acceptance takes time and the nature of the human animal means that some will accept you quicker than others. I feel that you need to relax a little and let things take their course. Burning out is common with us so back off a little.

As to oversharing... this is normal for us and you'll learn in time to get this to a balanced level. Sit down, have a think about where the boundaries need to be for what you share. Maybe start high then gradually bring the level down. Doing this too quickly might cause issues because some may perceive it as being rude if you suddenly aren't talking very much.

The hardest part is to practice being calm and relaxed and have a thick skin. Letting little things get to you is unhelpful especially in a work environment. Many of us have issues with these little things getting to us and it takes practice to learn to ignore them. The same goes for worrying, it isn't helping you. Relax and enjoy your job.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome.

How do I raise my confidence because this is draining me? I'm exhausted with worrying all the time and trying so hard to fit in. I'm on a waiting list for therapy but we all know how that one goes

If you are in the USA, see Finding Support Resources in the USA...

 

[Owliet]

Hi all,

Basically, I started working about two months ago and I'm finding it extremely draining mentally. I never fit in anywhere and I'm trying so hard to fit in, I want to be liked but I've already been told in a very jokingly manner that I talk a lot (this was said without malice) but I find it really hard to know when to stop talking. I am fully aware that I talk too much and overshare but it often happens before I can even stop it.

My self esteem has always been awful since my childhood wasn't the best and school was pretty horrific. I constantly feel like I'm doing everything wrong and that people are fed up with me. I'm worried I'm doing and saying the wrong things. I'm quite blunt sometimes whereas other times I let people walk all over me.

How do I raise my confidence because this is draining me? I'm exhausted with worrying all the time and trying so hard to fit in. I'm on a waiting list for therapy but we all know how that one goes

I'm currently sat in the house cringing about how much I've talked and overshared at work when I should have just shut my mouth, so I'm even worrying when I'm out of work.

I had similar difficulties when I was working in the job that ended recently. There’s a lot of pressure that I put on myself in addition to having pressures and expectations from others. Miraculously, I was able to fulfill my contract and only fully broke down near the end when it didn’t matter. I found it difficult to feel acceptance. And I didn’t fully feel like I ever was. I was never asked to join the social events that were happening because the email that everyone received mysteriously never included me, but the guy who ran them was a (insert name of choice here). Yet I wanted to stay, I had some decent connections with some colleagues the more I opened up, although I overshared. I may have been perceived as “young”, “enthusiastic “ and “eccentric “ but I won over even those who were dour and guarded themselves just by being me. Still, it didn’t mean that my self esteem wasn’t....isn’t all shot up into practically nothing. Unfortunately, they couldn’t keep me on. So naturally I equate this to me doing a bad job. Those Early months (August to February) were hell, as the woman I replaced was extremely social and everyone liked her, and I was worried that I was being constantly compared to her because I kept to myself ((although I had to because I was left with absolutely nothing and had to do a lot from scratch)).

It was extremely stressful and difficult a lot of the times because I was worried about if I was doing the correct things, if I was good enough etc.Turns out I was good enough but When I asked my boss what I can do to improve for the future, she told me that I need to improve my confidence. Which isn’t really helpful (although obvious).

i completely understand how you feel. I have been in a similar place. I still am in some way because my feelings of not being good enough are still present. And on my bad days, I spiral to “they didn’t want to keep me anyway because I was s***.“ alongside a lot of negative talk. I don’t have any answers to help you, as I’m still working it out myself with help from my psych. I really hope that you can get some support soon. It’s awful feeling this way.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

This reminds me so much to @Shaddock thread, when he was so happy about his new job and was also oversharing. I have tried to find it, with no success. If any of you can find it, I think It could be good for the OP to read about a simmilar case.

In short work is not a place for an autist to make friends. The reason is that there are interest conflicts at work. So people are forced to be friendly eachother. Autists will have a very hard time knowing who is being authentically friendly and who is being forced friendly. Also, all the personal info over shared may be used against us.

So work is a place to be friendly and listen others a lot. NTs love to be listened and its hard to over-listen.

The "just be yourself" advices are good to not stress yourself but are bad for "not lossing the job". As autists we must Mask at jobs. The being ourselves applies for safe spaces.

Its sad, but thats how it works. There are resources and strategies about how to mask at work. You was given some links.

Best of luck.

 

[Owliet]

This is very useful.

So people are forced to be friendly eachother. Autists will have a very hard time knowing who is being authentically friendly and who is being forced friendly. Also, all the personal info over shared may be used against us.

I think for me, this is why I found it difficult and felt like I was never accepted. It was difficult to determine if someone was being genuine and who was not. Even now, I still have no idea about some others, whilst others it became very clear. My oversharing in hindsight was not a good idea. And hopefully soon when I get a new job I will try to make sure that I don’t do this or trust blindly.

As autists we must Mask at jobs. The being ourselves applies for safe spaces.

Masking is necessary but exhausting. It’s important to have a safe space to reset.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hi all,

Basically, I started working about two months ago and I'm finding it extremely draining mentally. I never fit in anywhere and I'm trying so hard to fit in, I want to be liked but I've already been told in a very jokingly manner that I talk a lot (this was said without malice) but I find it really hard to know when to stop talking. I am fully aware that I talk too much and overshare but it often happens before I can even stop it.

My self esteem has always been awful since my childhood wasn't the best and school was pretty horrific. I constantly feel like I'm doing everything wrong and that people are fed up with me. I'm worried I'm doing and saying the wrong things. I'm quite blunt sometimes whereas other times I let people walk all over me.

How do I raise my confidence because this is draining me? I'm exhausted with worrying all the time and trying so hard to fit in. I'm on a waiting list for therapy but we all know how that one goes

I'm currently sat in the house cringing about how much I've talked and overshared at work when I should have just shut my mouth, so I'm even worrying when I'm out of work.

Usually when people experience this phenomenon,...it's anxiety,...and yes, it is mentally exhausting,...you're always on edge and can be emotionally triggering. Physiologically, your logic centers are being overridden by your emotional centers,...and predisposes you to making a lot of stupid mistakes socially and professionally you wouldn't normally do,...you aren't thinking clearly.

Personally, it takes me a long time for me to feel comfortable in a new situation, with new people,...and for others to get to know me. I generally have a lot of emotional walls up,...that's my version of anxiety.

I don't know your situation,...whether you are on anxiolytic medications or not,...but just some tips. 1. Take care of yourself,...sleep, light exercise, watch your diet. Sugary, high carb diets are not your friend,...good fats are. Too much of an insulin reaction from the carbs,...you get insulin-related vasodilation,...more importantly, if it's in your brain it can exacerbate autism symptoms,...and then later you can have the "carb crash". Either way, not good in your situation. 2. L-theanine (nature's Prozac) + caffeine (a moderate dose) + B6, methyl B12 (neurotransmitter support) is a good "stack" that I like and have used for the past few years. 3. Get to know your job,...take the extra time,...often on your own,...to read equipment manuals, read the scientific literature, watch related videos on YouTube, talk to your mentors on the job about tips and tricks,...whatever is appropriate for your job. The more you know, the more you become a resource for others, the more likely your anxiety and self-esteem will improve.

 

[Storm Hess]

Hi all,

Basically, I started working about two months ago and I'm finding it extremely draining mentally. I never fit in anywhere and I'm trying so hard to fit in, I want to be liked but I've already been told in a very jokingly manner that I talk a lot (this was said without malice) but I find it really hard to know when to stop talking. I am fully aware that I talk too much and overshare but it often happens before I can even stop it.

My self esteem has always been awful since my childhood wasn't the best and school was pretty horrific. I constantly feel like I'm doing everything wrong and that people are fed up with me. I'm worried I'm doing and saying the wrong things. I'm quite blunt sometimes whereas other times I let people walk all over me.

How do I raise my confidence because this is draining me? I'm exhausted with worrying all the time and trying so hard to fit in. I'm on a waiting list for therapy but we all know how that one goes

I'm currently sat in the house cringing about how much I've talked and overshared at work when I should have just shut my mouth, so I'm even worrying when I'm out of work.

Get out of your head. Focus on something external. That works the best for me. Sometimes it's more difficult than other days, but for the most part it works for me. Maybe find a goal and go for it!

Working out helps as well...for me, that is. Do something physical.


Went to Centre Parc for a short family "vacation". I was miserable most of the time…too many people. Got so fed up that I walked back to our villa and enjoyed the quiet...fed the animals off the back patio. That was my favorite part of the entire “vacation”…hand-feeding squirrels, geese and birds. Magpies came very close to where I was sitting! The alone-time was so relaxing. Feeding the animals really helped me.

 

[Aspychata]

Why is it that we do end up doing alot of this? Things that we shouldn't do. I think we want our job to not be threatening and anxiety driven. And it always is. I notice if l and the boss get along, like they get me, l have no issues. I have had that in four positions so l am lucky. It was always older people in my age range. But the minute l am with someone who doesn't get me, then making friends, trying to stay up on office politics does enter in to my equation. I definitely don't do well in clannish cliquish work groups. One boss who l thought didn't like me, later told me she liked me, it was the male owner who wasn't in the shop that didn't want me there.

So perhaps don't try so hard. You kinda have to wait to see if the herd accepts you and you are staying. Some jobs have a high turnover, which is actually quite common in certain industries .

 

[Rodafina]

Hi @Wishitaway,
I very much relate to what you and @Owliet are bringing up – the responses are really helpful to me, too.

I just wanted to share that I recently started a new job, too. The first few weeks were a lot like you described - constantly anxious, on edge, and doing my least favorite thing – navigating new social interactions. I was actually making a lot of mistakes, physically sick most of the time, and absolutely trying too hard.

I have to report that a few weeks in, I was able to relax and be myself, and things at work are starting to look really good. What helped me were 2 very supportive bosses, I am so grateful for them. I think they may be experienced in working with people who have intense anxiety, so I feel like I got really lucky there, and they were really able to make me feel secure. Then, I could slow down a little and get good at my job, which I did.

I avoid oversharing by keeping to myself for the most part, which is not the best strategy, but that too has worked out. There are one or two people that I am physically near for part of the day, and we are developing a fine work relationship (I am lucky enough that this is only for the first 30 minutes of my day – the rest of my day I pretty much work alone).

I wonder if, like others have said, really focusing on the work itself and not the social element for awhile could be helpful. It builds confidence - being good at your job, and confidence is always good when you want to try to build relationships. I wonder if, for social interactions, you could put your focus more on one or two people – like building a relationship with a boss and possibly a coworker – instead of tackling the whole group and trying to become friends with and accepted by everyone.

Just some thoughts, like I said, I am pretty much right there with you just add in a little bit of good luck, and a purposefully chosen job this time around.

(I’ll tell you what really and truly freaked me out though, and I may not handle it well… the “company picnic!” My supervisor brought it up today and asked if I would be attending. Egad, always a hurdle somewhere.)

 

[Aspychata]

Like l said, if you get along with your bosses, the rest is guacamole. Lol

 

[Thinx]

Last office picnic I was asked to, I got quite near to the park the event was happening in, it was a nice walk. Then I went home. Hoping no one had seen me as they hurried to socialise and have fun... often this is my way in relation to unstructured social interaction. Especially outside work hours. Really?

 

[Fino]

A waiting list for therapy? Is that something that happens in small towns, or what? Otherwise, if one place is full, can't you try another?

 

[Rodafina]

A waiting list for therapy? Is that something that happens in small towns, or what? Otherwise, if one place is full, can't you try another?

This is super common where I live, and I live in a large town outside of a metropolis.

 

[Wishitaway]

Thank you everyone for all of your feedback.
I definitely think I'm trying too hard, I guess I was trying to make friends instead of focusing on soley the work.

Thankfully, both of my managers are brilliant and I think they like me but I could be wrong.
I'm definitely feeling better about not needing to fit in too much.

As for the whole waiting list thing for therapy, I'm UK and our services are extremely overstretched. It doesn't work the same way that the health service works in America unfortunately. I don't get to choose where I can go xxx