Autism and Grieving

[Deanomyite]

My wife recently lost her Grandmother and she can't handle it. It has caused her to become very angry. To help I look up things and find nothing useful. So I yell at her out of frustration and accuse her of abusing me because she raised her voice. All this does is cause her to cut herself several times and punch her leg repeatedly. What else can I do. She should be nice to me no matter how she's feeling.

 

[Forest Cat]

She lost a beloved family member, so yes she should be nice to you but maybe that's not the most important thing to think about right now. Sometimes we have to take some crap for the ones we love. She's struggling and yelling at her won't help. When people lose loved ones they become sad and angry and all sorts of things. They need support and time, even if they can be difficult to deal with.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

My wife recently lost her Grandmother and she can't handle it. It has caused her to become very angry. To help I look up things and find nothing useful. So I yell at her out of frustration and accuse her of abusing me because she raised her voice. All this does is cause her to cut herself several times and punch her leg repeatedly. What else can I do. She should be nice to me no matter how she's feeling.

I couldn't tell from your post or title,...who has autism? You, her, or the both of you?

1. In certain situations, there is no "fixing" to be done. Your job is to listen, empathize, and give emotional support. Validate her feelings.
2. She is likely raising her voice because,...in her mind,...you aren't satisfying #1, and she is frustrated and angry that you, one of the most important people in her life,...is yelling at her out of frustration.
3. The fact that she is harming herself,...that's a red flag,...that's a serious thing.
4. "...accuse her of abusing me because she raised her voice." "She should be nice to me no matter how she's feeling." OK,...you do realize these quotes read like they came from a child,...right? It's literally NOT ABOUT YOU. I hate to do this to you, but step up and take it on the chin right now,...as a husband,...that's part of your job, to be on the receiving end of emotions. As a husband, you need to be her "rock", someone she can go to for support and understanding.

 

[Rodafina]

She should be nice to me no matter how she's feeling

I don’t think anyone can give this to another human with authenticity. Hopefully she will strive to respect you no matter what she is feeling, but it is not within anybody’s capacity to “always be nice.“

I’ve been thinking about your post quite a bit, unsure what to say, but @Neonatal RRT reminds me to focus on the most important things when confusion is about. Self harm is a very serious expression of complex emotional turmoil. This is a true red flag indicating that more help and support is necessary. From previous posts it sounds like it is a reoccurring behavior for your wife. It may be important for you to take note that you are in an especially difficult relationship here where each partner’s needs may be somewhat interrupted by the others expression of pain.

It sounds like you are both feeling very much on edge and I wonder if there are things that you both love, simple things, that you could do together to build the positive connection back up again. I don’t know what you like, but something really freeing, perhaps a puzzle, a walk, a funny photo shoot together… Anything to break the cycle of pain and sorrow and anger for a little while. Grief is so very complicated.

 

[Darkkin]

Anger is a huge part of grief. The fact that she is aiming harm at herself rather than an object or another living thing is a signal that she is working to control the overwhelming emotions and energy.

All the while she being yelled at BY YOU for having these emotions and not 'being nice' to accommodate you?

Reality check. Grief is intense, overwhelming and is not thoughtful to an immature mind set.

Check the self-centeredness at the door and ACTUALLY consider what SHE is going through. Stop and simply try listening instead of whining about not being accommodated.

YOU didn't suffer the loss. Your spouse did. They are entitled to their emotions and will need time to come to terms with them.

As such YOUR accommodations and expectations for NICE behaviour at all times are in for a rude awakening.

Autistics mask and kowtow to please and accommodate others on a pretty regular basis. To expect a grieving spouse to mask and bottle up a very geniune trauma for YOUR peace of mind is NOT OKAY.

If need be take a step back, go for a walk and get your own emotions in hand and be the NICE one for a change. Take some responsibility and acknowledge the fact that other people have emotions and needs that are not always convenient to your schedule.

Maybe look into a grief counselor, but YOU need to get some perspective.

Your wife is grieving, angry and upset. She is upset about her emotions, probably her actions and lack of control, as well. All the while this guilt is compounding, you are yelling at her, piling on resentment, intolerance, and even more guilt, essentially doubling the burden of emotions she is working through because she is not masking her emotions and accommodating you. What do you think that says about YOUR behaviour?

Counseling and/or therapy, not just for her grief, is something that would be smart to consider because your current mindset is coming across as that of an entitled child, not that of a reasonable adult.

Grief is complex and it is a process. It will take time, work, acceptance, and the accommodation of big emotions. Talking to a neutral source like a counselor who can offer tools to work through the process can help.

It will also bring a ton of unresolved (ignored) issues to the surface. Things like resentment of someone else's entitled and/or immature behaviour, unmet needs, latent anger at another's lack of empathy or selfish response to trauma/depression/anxiety.

 

[Gerontius]

I'd suggest apologizing sincerely to your wife for treating her like that, and man up enough to support her.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I lost a close friend a couple of days ago, my wife and I are emotionally supporting the surviving spouse who was not close to her family. Have some sympathy for your spouse, she needs you now more than ever. it's not about you at this time.

 

[Suzanne]

You sound just like my husband! Of course, a couple should be nice to each other, but when something like that happens, yelling at a grieving person, is actually kicking yourself all over.

My husband is finally learning that what he considers being supportive of me, is not actually the point, since I have tried for years to say that his method, makes me feel he is against me and for the first time, the other day, I felt his support, so he changed his tactics and it ended in a peaceful atmosphere.

 

[Streetwise]

My wife recently lost her Grandmother and she can't handle it. It has caused her to become very angry. To help I look up things and find nothing useful. So I yell at her out of frustration and accuse her of abusing me because she raised her voice. All this does is cause her to cut herself several times and punch her leg repeatedly. What else can I do. She should be nice to me no matter how she's feeling.

Everyone(ND,NT) who experiences grief, goes through these stages.

I was slightly different as i was with my mother nearly 24\7 and we talked about death, before her killer disease really started,so i watched her die from day one, i was just frightened ,when she wasn't there.

If?! your wife is NT, she'll perceive her grief mainly by her emotions, like all non ND humans and i imagine some ND ,she can't perceive through picture neurology,so she's at the anger stage, grief moves at her pace ,depending on her time spent with the being who is grieved,even years ahead she'll still grieve you don't on\off love like an electric light ,im 22 years ahead of her and its still sometimes hard.

I have ptsd not fun! from my mothers death but i have JHVH(the caring part of the God of Abraham, Yitzak and Yaacov)with me 24\7.

Look for images of anger from death of a loved one