AuDHD

[Xinyta]

Yeah I make mistakes and it is hard it feels like someone can jump down your throat if you make them.
And people can still be jealous of people with disabilities.
I am a fairly attractive woman and I get scared when I make mistakes that someone will laugh at me when I screw up or say i am I am incapable and I am like I am actually not.
Like you better not overeat or eat too much or drop food on the floor or yourself or like have a pigsty house or if you are doing a good job then oh you make others look bad even though you have disabilities and there will always be some things you struggle with.
Or you better watch you do not eat with your hands in any way or like do something stupid like try to cook something and then realise it is not a good idea and waste it. Or sounds disgusting pick your scabs etc when they are bothering you.
It is never good to be around someone who judges those behaviours because you will end up feeling awful with sensitive rejection.
I eat and if I get fat I do, you know. I need to eat to be healthy.

This is something I am trying to get myself to understand. I will have odd quarks that come with the package. I need to accept them, instead of treating it as some abnormal thing to try to shove back into my subconscious. I've done that with nearly everything.

Emotions are hard. Some of it is probably because of socail disconnect and not knowing how to feel about things. But alot of it is because I've spend a large amount of my life trying to suppress my emotions. It's left me disturbingly hollow. But that hallowness is also caused by feeling unwanted by my parents.

"They don't care about me. So why should I care?"

There are alot of reasons to care. But none of it mattered then. It was about surviving them. Even if it ment literally destroying myself and any chance at some kind of socail life.

My existence is a lonely one. I am glad I am not the only one though. That does make me feel less alone, to a degree.

Eatting. I honestly don't know what to make of it. There is part of me that likes to eat. But there is another part of me that sees eatting as a inconvenience. That I have to spend time, I could use elsewhere, on food, of all things.

 

[kriss72]

This is something I am trying to get myself to understand. I will have odd quarks that come with the package. I need to accept them, instead of treating it as some abnormal thing to try to shove back into my subconscious. I've done that with nearly everything.

I think this very important for us, we might try to mask in public, but we should never try to hide our "quarks" for our selves, we need to accept us self as we are, not doing that is unhealthy in my opinion.

Emotions are hard. Some of it is probably because of socail disconnect and not knowing how to feel about things. But alot of it is because I've spend a large amount of my life trying to suppress my emotions. It's left me disturbingly hollow. But that hallowness is also caused by feeling unwanted by my parents.

Emotions are difficult, sometimes we try so hard to fit in and be acceptable that we forget our self and what we really feel, you are not alone.

Eatting. I honestly don't know what to make of it. There is part of me that likes to eat. But there is another part of me that sees eatting as a inconvenience. That I have to spend time, I could use elsewhere, on food, of all things.

Eating has also been tricky for me, but in a different way, I didn't enjoy food, for many years it was like the only thing I thought I could control, I felt happy every time I could see my weight drop, not because I wanted it to drop, I knew I was skinny, but because it meant there were something I could control in this world.

 

[Neri]

I think this very important for us, we might try to mask in public, but we should never try to hide our "quarks" for our selves, we need to accept us self as we are, not doing that is unhealthy in my opinion.

Emotions are difficult, sometimes we try so hard to fit in and be acceptable that we forget our self and what we really feel, you are not alone.

Eating has also been tricky for me, but in a different way, I didn't enjoy food, for many years it was like the only thing I thought I could control, I felt happy every time I could see my weight drop, not because I wanted it to drop, I knew I was skinny, but because it meant there were something I could control in this world.

I had that exact same, well, nearly exact same thing with eating, until my early thirties. I did want to be super skinny though.
I really like food but I was scared of eating and terrified of weight gain. But even though I lost all the weight after my 7 babies, I did put heaps on as soon as I hit 40. Too much stress and an out-of-wack metabolism. I'm healthier with my relationship with eating and food now, but still have the metabolic issues and untreated ADHD issues to address.

As for the emotional stuff, Golly does that take time to process and heal!!! Peer support goes a long way in helping and yeah, it's a big unpacking process that we often need help with. I'm past the frozen shell shock and devastation I used to live with and now working through the realization that I've lived over 50 years in chronic overwhelm. Sigh. Time for change is apon me!!!!!!

 

[kriss72]

I had that exact same, well, nearly exact same thing with eating, until my early thirties. I did want to be super skinny though.
I really like food but I was scared of eating and terrified of weight gain. But even though I lost all the weight after my 7 babies, I did put heaps on as soon as I hit 40. Too much stress and an out-of-wack metabolism. I'm healthier with my relationship with eating and food now, but still have the metabolic issues and untreated ADHD issues to address.

As for the emotional stuff, Golly does that take time to process and heal!!! Peer support goes a long way in helping and yeah, it's a big unpacking process that we often need help with. I'm past the frozen shell shock and devastation I used to live with and now working through the realization that I've lived over 50 years in chronic overwhelm. Sigh. Time for change is apon me!!!!!!

It's good to meet others that have similar experiences, I was also +50 when I realized there was an explanation to my struggles since childhood - all the years I was in pure survival mode, especially after becoming a parent, yeah, it has been chronic overwhelm, I only have my daughter, I can't imagine what you have had to go through it with 7 - I hope you got help or at least didn't have to work full time at the same time?

I'm really grateful for the professional support I have gotten, and for my daughter seeing I needed it and pushing me to seek a diagnosis and get help - honestly I don't understand how I could live the life I used to, except I was driven by the thought every day, that I needed to be strong for my daughter, it was that thought that kept me afloat. Now I'm getting help to realize I need to get better for my daughter, not stronger.

It hasn't been until after my diagnosis I have started to get my weight under control again, that becoming a parent part didn't give me time to look after my self in anyway, but luckily I started from a low point with the weight

 

[kriss72]

It's good to meet others that have similar experiences, I was also +50 when I realized there was an explanation to my struggles since childhood - all the years I was in pure survival mode, especially after becoming a parent, yeah, it has been chronic overwhelm, I only have my daughter, I can't imagine what you have had to go through it with 7 - I hope you got help or at least didn't have to work full time at the same time?

(Actually I always dreamt about getting more children, but after getting the first one, I realized I didn't want to bring another child into this world with my spouse, so I stuck with one)

 

[Xinyta]

Eating has also been tricky for me, but in a different way, I didn't enjoy food, for many years it was like the only thing I thought I could control, I felt happy every time I could see my weight drop, not because I wanted it to drop, I knew I was skinny, but because it meant there were something I could control in this world.

It's not so much a weight thing for me, but I understand where you're coming from.

It's more just a despisal of who I am when I eat. That and there are times when I'd rather be continuing my activity, over dropping everything to do something as basic as eatting.

 

[wards]

I just forget to eat completely or binge when I’m home alone with no distractions around.

I don’t seem to get the I’m hungry message from my brain, it then goes too far and I just drop starving and will eat what is easy and quick.

 

[Xinyta]

I don’t seem to get the I’m hungry message from my brain, it then goes too far and I just drop starving and will eat what is easy and quick.

I use to have that sometimes when I lived on my own that something I'm doing, or depression in general, would override my need to eat. But most times, especially anymore, I really cannot ignore it. I guess it depends on how sensitive you are to your body's needs.

 

[wards]

I use to have that sometimes when I lived on my own that something I'm doing, or depression in general, would override my need to eat. But most times, especially anymore, I really cannot ignore it. I guess it depends on how sensitive you are to your body's needs.

I found protein shakes great for the hunger.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

This is something I am trying to get myself to understand. I will have odd quarks that come with the package. I need to accept them, instead of treating it as some abnormal thing to try to shove back into my subconscious. I've done that with nearly everything.

Emotions are hard. Some of it is probably because of socail disconnect and not knowing how to feel about things. But alot of it is because I've spend a large amount of my life trying to suppress my emotions. It's left me disturbingly hollow. But that hallowness is also caused by feeling unwanted by my parents.

"They don't care about me. So why should I care?"

There are alot of reasons to care. But none of it mattered then. It was about surviving them. Even if it ment literally destroying myself and any chance at some kind of socail life.

My existence is a lonely one. I am glad I am not the only one though. That does make me feel less alone, to a degree.

Eatting. I honestly don't know what to make of it. There is part of me that likes to eat. But there is another part of me that sees eatting as a inconvenience. That I have to spend time, I could use elsewhere, on food, of all things.

Either way accepting autism as a diagnosis could be hard for anyone.
I feel the same thing with hard emotions, I have been through a lot of rough stuff in mu life that my truths are often invalidated or I am made to feel crazy.
There will always be someone to love and accept you but it is not easy getting hurt over and over again by people who are not worth it
I understand about family and parents.
I love my family but do not feel understood or likeminded at times.
I hate loneliness though at times I feel better alone because I can feel free to be ne and know I am capable but obviously illness can make it otherwise.
When I am alone I can shine the way I want, do what I want believe in myself.
People just hurt me.
I like eating but can hate it too prob because of sensory too.
I can also not feel it at times and just eat to survive.
And that us true if I never has to eat woukd I miss it?
I'm not sure, I woukd maybe not miss sweet food and I love baking maybe I would miss nothing.
Love pasta though sometimes even plain

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I use to have that sometimes when I lived on my own that something I'm doing, or depression in general, would override my need to eat. But most times, especially anymore, I really cannot ignore it. I guess it depends on how sensitive you are to your body's needs.

I emotional eat with bad emotions and hormonal fluctuations and sometimes I just want to eat and eat and eat to eat away bad feelings and because of boredom then I feel sick.
That is why I like lollipops and things something to distract but still full of sugar.
This kind of thing makes me realise why people smoke so disgusting but very easy instead of eating to do something with your hands
And nicotine calms you down maybe..maybe
And maybe helps with food cravings when feeling emotional.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I think this very important for us, we might try to mask in public, but we should never try to hide our "quarks" for our selves, we need to accept us self as we are, not doing that is unhealthy in my opinion.

Emotions are difficult, sometimes we try so hard to fit in and be acceptable that we forget our self and what we really feel, you are not alone.

Eating has also been tricky for me, but in a different way, I didn't enjoy food, for many years it was like the only thing I thought I could control, I felt happy every time I could see my weight drop, not because I wanted it to drop, I knew I was skinny, but because it meant there were something I could control in this world.

Eating has been complicated for me too because of childhood neglect and weird body ideals or ideas.
Something that has been complicated for me is the way plus size women and body shape is seen in society and bigger people are looked down on and treated less than skinny people.
And women in general are either horrible to others concerning body shape and weight or refuse to try to love and accept themselves for some people.
And bigger women can be derogatory about themselves as well but often it is not always there fault.
Bit often intelligent woman or woman with disabilities are a lot more loving and accepting of differences in appearance

 

[Xinyta]

I emotional eat with bad emotions and hormonal fluctuations and sometimes I just want to eat and eat and eat to eat away bad feelings and because of boredom then I feel sick.
That is why I like lollipops and things something to distract but still full of sugar.
This kind of thing makes me realise why people smoke so disgusting but very easy instead of eating to do something with your hands
And nicotine calms you down maybe..maybe
And maybe helps with food cravings when feeling emotional.

I do think that was a crux of my frequent snacking. I never was THAT hungry. But I always, or at least mostly, sated my instant gratification out of not wanting to cope any other way. Soda was the same way. I drank it because I liked it. But it was far more about it being a comfort drink, than anything else.

I personally never took up smoking. Though I cannot imagine your wrong about it being a good way to curb food cravings. Though it creates a dependence on smoking instead. Which, depending on perspective, can be a bad thing.

 

[kriss72]

Eating has been complicated for me too because of childhood neglect and weird body ideals or ideas.

Yeah, it can easily get complicated.. , I like eating alone, I feel pressure when eating with others.

Something that has been complicated for me is the way plus size women and body shape is seen in society and bigger people are looked down on and treated less than skinny people.
And women in general are either horrible to others concerning body shape and weight or refuse to try to love and accept themselves for some people.

I agree that is how it often is, and I really don't understand why some people judge others or themselves for their body shape and/or weight. Ok, I also think about what I look like in the mirror, but that doesn't make it right

Bit often intelligent woman or woman with disabilities are a lot more loving and accepting of differences in appearance

That is very true, in general people that are completely average find it harder to accept those of us who are more "spiky" in one way or the other.

 

[kriss72]

I personally never took up smoking. Though I cannot imagine your wrong about it being a good way to curb food cravings. Though it creates a dependence on smoking instead. Which, depending on perspective, can be a bad thing.

If it wasn't for the health implications, I wouldn't have stopped smoking daily. But I came to the conclusion that I would prioritize the ability to breathe above any benefits that might come from it

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Yeah, it can easily get complicated.. , I like eating alone, I feel pressure when eating with others.

I agree that is how it often is, and I really don't understand why some people judge others or themselves for their body shape and/or weight. Ok, I also think about what I look like in the mirror, but that doesn't make it right

That is very true, in general people that are completely average find it harder to accept those of us who are more "spiky" in one way or the other.

Yeah I have experienced food anxiety especially when i was younger. I got nervous eating in front of others especially crushes
And also I do not like a lot of noise when I eat or people trying to talk to me while I do it. Or unhygienic habits like using different serving utensils for different foods.
Or people who sit and eat and eat and eat and you have to continue to sit at the table.
I do not understand judgements but i understand fears of feeling too fat or putting on copious amounts of weight or not liking your appearance or not finding clothes that fit or feeling as socially acceptable or as beautiful as skinny women. Or having to fit in a group for your appearance like plus size instead of I am the same as a skinny person just different in my body shape. I do not see how skinny people and larger or more curved people are different just because their bodies are different sizes. They are still women of value, they could both still be beautiful. Who is go say skinny is the best, some skinny people are not attractive while some plus size women are.
Yes it is good to be loving and accepting of differences and thst may be a good quality people with disabilities have.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I do think that was a crux of my frequent snacking. I never was THAT hungry. But I always, or at least mostly, sated my instant gratification out of not wanting to cope any other way. Soda was the same way. I drank it because I liked it. But it was far more about it being a comfort drink, than anything else.

I personally never took up smoking. Though I cannot imagine your wrong about it being a good way to curb food cravings. Though it creates a dependence on smoking instead. Which, depending on perspective, can be a bad thing.

Yeah smoking is so gross.
Not a good way to tackle it.
I struggle with food cravings to do with emotions as well.

 

[Neri]

Yeah I have experienced food anxiety especially when i was younger. I got nervous eating in front of others especially crushes
And also I do not like a lot of noise when I eat or people trying to talk to me while I do it. Or unhygienic habits like using different serving utensils for different foods.
Or people who sit and eat and eat and eat and you have to continue to sit at the table.
I do not understand judgements but i understand fears of feeling too fat or putting on copious amounts of weight or not liking your appearance or not finding clothes that fit or feeling as socially acceptable or as beautiful as skinny women. Or having to fit in a group for your appearance like plus size instead of I am the same as a skinny person just different in my body shape. I do not see how skinny people and larger or more curved people are different just because their bodies are different sizes. They are still women of value, they could both still be beautiful. Who is go say skinny is the best, some skinny people are not attractive while some plus size women are.
Yes it is good to be loving and accepting of differences and thst may be a good quality people with disabilities have.

I remember when I put on some weight and somebody said "Oh, you've put on some weight. It's filled in your wrinkles".

I'm not a particularly wrinkled woman and I've always looked younger than I am (my youngest son reckons I look like I'm still in my thirties) but, I do get what they meant. I looked pretty haggard as a skinny woman. It didn't really suit me at all. But it took me into my thirties to get that.

 

[kriss72]

Yeah I have experienced food anxiety especially when i was younger. I got nervous eating in front of others especially crushes
And also I do not like a lot of noise when I eat or people trying to talk to me while I do it. Or unhygienic habits like using different serving utensils for different foods.
Or people who sit and eat and eat and eat and you have to continue to sit at the table.

I don't like eating outside, earplugs is a must, and if alone or with my spouse it's with my nc-headphones. I'm a really slow eater, I found that I need to take half the amount of food, then I finish with the othera - if it is served so I can't decide the amount, I just say I'm full and leave the food.

 

[Neri]

It's good to meet others that have similar experiences, I was also +50 when I realized there was an explanation to my struggles since childhood - all the years I was in pure survival mode, especially after becoming a parent, yeah, it has been chronic overwhelm, I only have my daughter, I can't imagine what you have had to go through it with 7 - I hope you got help or at least didn't have to work full time at the same time?

I'm really grateful for the professional support I have gotten, and for my daughter seeing I needed it and pushing me to seek a diagnosis and get help - honestly I don't understand how I could live the life I used to, except I was driven by the thought every day, that I needed to be strong for my daughter, it was that thought that kept me afloat. Now I'm getting help to realize I need to get better for my daughter, not stronger.

It hasn't been until after my diagnosis I have started to get my weight under control again, that becoming a parent part didn't give me time to look after my self in anyway, but luckily I started from a low point with the weight

I didn't get help and I did have to work full time in the beginning. Working live performance singer/musician. But after the first 5 years we moved into the bush, with no power, no vehicle, bad access and stopped working for a while. Problem was, my kid's dad wasn't too kind to me. And I got very ill. Psychotically ill. Which made him worse.

My faith has been the thing that's got me through, and my wits. And my love for my children.

I never went on anti-psychotic medication. Turned out I was dangerously low on Vitamin B12 and Iron and it has affected my brain (malnourishment from eating little, vegetarianism and having five babies and breastfeeding them, by then). I got shots and was able to recover from the brain issues that caused the psychosis.

It took me a lot longer to be able to get away from my kid's dad because for one, I'm an autist of the two variety, and two, I couldn't drive, and three, he gaslit me a lot, and told me I was "crazy" a lot and that "If you leave, you'll never get the children, because you're crazy" and I believed him.

So I had my two youngest and no regrets there! They are amazing and wonderful people! My youngest daughter, who has a baby (recently moved back here, so I'll see lots of them) says she had a good childhood, too, which surprises me, considering how desperately unhappy I was with her father. I masked so much, it's taking years to recover.