Aspie or NT? Marriage Poll

[Cali Cat]

After reading a few posts this evening, I was reminded of a question my late husband and I used to ponder. We wondered whether we'd made the best choice deciding to marry each other. We didn't know we were Aspies at the time. We just knew we were the same, but different from everybody else. We wondered if maybe it would've been better for each of us to have married someone who could help us understand the "normal" world rather than marrying someone who could understand us. It's a tricky thing. Someone who shares the same experiences and has the same reactions we have is very comforting to be around. It's like shooting that knowing glance across a crowded room at your partner and feeling confident he/she got the intended message. However, there's a lot to be said for someone who accepts you as you are, even though they will never fully understand what you experience. What they can do is help you to be better at who you are and help you understand how to navigate the NT world.

So, do you think you'd be happier with an another Aspie or with an NT based on the description provided above?

 

[Ste11aeres]

Hmm, no real answer. It would really just depend on which person I ended up loving enough to want to spend my life with. There have been Aspies I have been close to, and NTs I have been close to.

However, the person who helped me most learn how to navigate the "normal" world was actually an Aspie. I have never known an NT who was really helpful in this regard (some have been a little bit helpful) even if they wanted to be.

 

[King_Oni]

I find it hard to vote for either one. And not even because I'm not much of a supporter of the concept of marriage.

The question would imply that my AS would play such a big issue, and would be perceived as AS, rather than me being myself, in all it's peculiarities. I jokingly once said "I've got 99 problems and AS ain't one". I kid of course, AS is most likely the source of some of my issues, yet it is in no way the big issue that needs to be underlined.

The reason I chose to respond here is because I've had my share of experiences with NT's and AS folks in relationships much to different kinds of success (well, success is relative, I wouldn't be single if it was that succesful, lol).

I've found that even dating someone who is on the spectrum (or presumed to be) can go a few ways. For years I've dated someone who didn't have an official diagnosis, nor did I really know what AS was (I never really bothered with such things). That just came down to accepting ones peculiarities without any mention of neurological make up mentioned. I was myself, she was herself and we just went along. But in hindsight she had really strong AS traits (and it wouldn't surprise me she'd have a diagnosis at this point in her life).

I've dated NT women. My first girlfriend was an NT for sure, but she just went along with my general weirdness, as did another one whom I did date about a decade later. The one thing that might have proven an issue is that I'm too strong of a personality to be the type that can be guided in the "normal" world. Which is also why these 2 relationships lasted shortest of all serious dating I once did.

My most recent exploit was with someone who was officially diagnosed and AS was often a topic of discussion for us. I've found that ones problems in the relationship are eventually too much of a strain on my own way of life. In fact, since I've been seperated from here I feel a lot better and feel my social issues aren't as prevalent anymore. Funny how that works. I wouldn't say that dating an NT would take away all my issues though, I think I've just leveled off a bit more to what works for me and doesn't compared to how I got dragged under when I was in daily contact with an aspie who had such a load of issues, on top of my own. Accepting these things is one thing, but having to go out of your way to accomodate this person to me is something that I've found working less and less and it in fact made me feel more aspie (and more limited)

 

[Cali Cat]

Hmm, no real answer. It would really just depend on which person I ended up loving enough to want to spend my life with ...

I can understand that. I guess my perspective is that I can love more than one person. If I feel a relationship isn't in my best interests in the long run, I can untangle myself from that feeling of love and wait until I find someone more suited to me. The problem I found is that I was never close enough to an NT to have a romantic relationship.

... However, the person who helped me most learn how to navigate the "normal" world was actually an Aspie. I have never known an NT who was really helpful in this regard (some have been a little bit helpful) even if they wanted to be.

Yeah, I've never known an NT to be helpful for that either. So, I guess it was a good thing I didn't wait around for one.

I've just been reading posts (mostly from Aspie men married to NT women) that indicate their NT spouses have really helped them grow and better themselves. I feel that is something one gains in a relationship with someone who processes information differently. If both people are very similar, one may enable certain behaviors in the other that a person who doesn't understand so well would make them change or modify for their own ultimate good.

 

[Pierre09]

My aspie wife has helped me (an NT) in many areas. Specifically in situations where I would have normally responded back in a defensive or hostile manor to someone...she has helped me to look at the situation more logically rahter than emotionally. This has helped in my job a lot because a carefully thought out and logical response usually gets a better reaction than a hot-headed emotional one.

 

[Harrison]

I would be happy marrying someone who loved me.

Had relationships with bot NTs and Aspies, there were problems in both, but what all my relationships had in common was... me

 

[clg114]

After reading a few posts this evening, I was reminded of a question my late husband and I used to ponder. We wondered whether we'd made the best choice deciding to marry each other. We didn't know we were Aspies at the time. We just knew we were the same, but different from everybody else. We wondered if maybe it would've been better for each of us to have married someone who could help us understand the "normal" world rather than marrying someone who could understand us. It's a tricky thing. Someone who shares the same experiences and has the same reactions we have is very comforting to be around. It's like shooting that knowing glance across a crowded room at your partner and feeling confident he/she got the intended message. However, there's a lot to be said for someone who accepts you as you are, even though they will never fully understand what you experience. What they can do is help you to be better at who you are and help you understand how to navigate the NT world.

So, do you think you'd be happier with an another Aspie or with an NT based on the description provided above?

This is a subject that got my attention because I'm married to a NT lady. Our situation is unique, just like every other couple. My wife is by-polar and takes meds for it. She is not very confident in herself. However, she is comfortable in social situations. I am not comfortable in social situations and stay away unless I'm with her. I am very confident in myself and what I can do. We not only love each other, we NEED each other. I think I've gotten better a socializing with her help and she is more confident in herself with my support. And, she understands my Aspie ways better than any other NT that I know.

 

[Cali Cat]

The question would imply that my AS would play such a big issue, and would be perceived as AS, rather than me being myself, in all it's peculiarities. I jokingly once said "I've got 99 problems and AS ain't one". I kid of course, AS is most likely the source of some of my issues, yet it is in no way the big issue that needs to be underlined.

Now there's the difference between us. I feel most of my issues are directly related to being an Aspie. Even my financial issues are due to my social inabilities when I was younger. I could've been very successful if I could've navigated the social aspects of the employment market better. Not to mention the opportunities I missed because I can't make spur of the moment decisions or tolerate changing environments and routines. Yes, being an Aspie has done a lot to hold me back. Some of it might have worked out better if I'd been diagnosed and had knowledge of my disorder, but such was not the case.

... [In relationship with a particular Aspie female] I've found that ones problems in the relationship are eventually too much of a strain on my own way of life. In fact, since I've been seperated from her I feel a lot better and feel my social issues aren't as prevalent anymore. Funny how that works. I wouldn't say that dating an NT would take away all my issues though, I think I've just leveled off a bit more to what works for me and doesn't compared to how I got dragged under when I was in daily contact with an aspie who had such a load of issues, on top of my own. Accepting these things is one thing, but having to go out of your way to accomodate this person to me is something that I've found working less and less and it in fact made me feel more aspie (and more limited)

That's a point I'm wondering about: Do two Aspies together have a tendency to hold each other in a kind of stasis? Do they allow (or cause) each other to amplify Aspie traits in everyday life? Is this a healthy condition, in spite of the understand of each other's issues that comes along with it? And, does being around an NT partner help an Aspie to grow and tone down those traits? Would this situation be better overall, even though growth is often a stressor in itself?

 

[Pierre09]

Now there's the difference between us. I feel most of my issues are directly related to being an Aspie. Even my financial issues are due to my social inabilities when I was younger. I could've been very successful if I could've navigated the social aspects of the employment market better. Not to mention the opportunities I missed because I can't make spur of the moment decisions or tolerate changing environments and routines. Yes, being an Aspie has done a lot to hold me back. Some of it might have worked out better if I'd been diagnosed and had knowledge of my disorder, but such was not the case.



That's a point I'm wondering about: Do two Aspies together have a tendency to hold each other in a kind of stasis? Do they allow (or cause) each other to amplify Aspie traits in everyday life? Is this a healthy condition, in spite of the understand of each other's issues that comes along with it? And, does being around an NT partner help an Aspie to grow and tone down those traits? Would this situation be better overall, even though growth is often a stressor in itself?

I hope I'm not speaking out-of-bound here but from my viewpoint (an NT), I don't see what the problem would be with 2 aspies "amplifying" their aspie traits together. No one seems to be concerned about 2 NT people doing the same thing. The fact is, if the majority of people in the world had aspergers, then this would be a forum about NT people and the question would be reveresed. So which way is right or wrong? Both! I guess we could argue that it is easier to get along in a society if you act as the majority of people do. However, an aspie will NEVER be like an NT and vice versa. Conclusion....I guess it's all relative??

 

[Cali Cat]

I would be happy marrying someone who loved me.

Hmm ... this "love" thing keeps coming up. I guess I should've pointed out that you can love either one equally, and they love you.

Had relationships with bot NTs and Aspies, there were problems in both, but what all my relationships had in common was... me

There are problems in every relationship regardless of who the partners are. My husband and I couldn't have been more well-suited to each other, and we still had problems. It's really the luck of the draw to find someone willing to stick it out when times get tough.

 

[King_Oni]

Now there's the difference between us. I feel most of my issues are directly related to being an Aspie. Even my financial issues are due to my social inabilities when I was younger. I could've been very successful if I could've navigated the social aspects of the employment market better. Not to mention the opportunities I missed because I can't make spur of the moment decisions or tolerate changing environments and routines. Yes, being an Aspie has done a lot to hold me back. Some of it might have worked out better if I'd been diagnosed and had knowledge of my disorder, but such was not the case.

I suppose one can always point a finger at AS. But are missed opportunities something that is AS by definition? In other words; is everyone who can't do this, on the spectrum? And that probably applies to a lot of things one does.

That's a point I'm wondering about: Do two Aspies together have a tendency to hold each other in a kind of stasis? Do they allow (or cause) each other to amplify Aspie traits in everyday life? Is this a healthy condition, in spite of the understand of each other's issues that comes along with it? And, does being around an NT partner help an Aspie to grow and tone down those traits? Would this situation be better overall, even though growth is often a stressor in itself?

I've found, in hindsight that it kept me in statis, and perhaps even felt like I was regressing in my behaviour too much.

Perhaps it's also just a "me"-thing, but the moment I have to accomodate someone else I feel limited, which made get less out of life I suppose. It's not that I can't support someone, but I just feel that such actions take away from my ability to keep to my own agenda. Which in turn makes one wonder how much of an asset I am in a relationship.

The thing with being with an NT is that as long as you're an easy going aspie, you might do pretty well and might even improve on plenty of areas. Yet I for one, will say that even if one disregards my AS, that I'm still a weird guy with his own agenda and a fair amount of narcissism going on. In short; I will put myself first and this includes when I feel someone is trying to steer me in a way I'm not interested in.

When it comes to relationships I guess I've always been the way, that despite his "issues" prefers to find someone to revel in the madness with him rather than guide me towards a more stable path. But that's just me.

 

[Cali Cat]

I hope I'm not speaking out-of-bound here but from my viewpoint (an NT), I don't see what the problem would be with 2 aspies "amplifying" their aspie traits together. No one seems to be concerned about 2 NT people doing the same thing. The fact is, if the majority of people in the world had aspergers, then this would be a forum about NT people and the question would be reveresed. So which way is right or wrong? Both! I guess we could argue that it is easier to get along in a society if you act as the majority of people do. However, an aspie will NEVER be like an NT and vice versa. Conclusion....I guess it's all relative??

No, you're not speaking out of turn. All thoughts are welcome. However, it's not about "right" or "wrong." It's about how the individual feels. I would be happier being married to another Aspie (and I was) who understands what I go through on a daily basis. I could have married an NT who would've accepted me the way I am, but who would never understand me. He could've helped me, though, to grow and would have served as a kind of role model for me to refer to. I chose the Aspie because I felt closer to him due to our "sameness." That's obviously the more important factor to me. I loved him more because he was like me. Others may have a different opinion though. Perhaps some others feel that differences help to draw them out of themselves and expose them to more opportunities for growth and betterment. I didn't want to work that hard myself.

 

[Kobus]

I don't think this is really my place to talk since I'm still young and extremely inexperienced. But I would like to point out that every person is an individual, AS or NT. Most aspies share symptoms but isn't it in the end of the day you as a person that makes choices, a choice to love and care for someone. I personally feel that it would be great to explore the "unknown" social world together with your aspie significant other.

 

[Melissa Kay]

This is an interesting topic. I voted! I think (probably because I'm dating a very nice NT) that I would like to date a NT because they could help to even me out and give me tips on how things are done with NT's. But I also agree with:

Hmm, no real answer. It would really just depend on which person I ended up loving enough to want to spend my life with.

If I was in love with an Aspie then I would see the benefits there too! So, I guess it depends on who God wants me to be with. End of story.

 

[Judge]

All my relationships were with NTs. They all failed, and in retrospect they did mostly due too my autism which I nor they were aware of at the time. Marriage? I never got that far.

Self-awareness might have intervened for the better. Equally having a relationship with another Aspie might have allowed for greater understanding. Hard to say what might have been. But if I had a choice at this point in my life, I'd probably choose to try a relationship with another Aspie.

 

[Cali Cat]

... I would like to point out that every person is an individual, AS or NT.

You are correct, and it is becoming quite clear to me that I'm not making my question clear to others. There's a communication breakdown. I think the question is too specific. Something is throwing people off the point. I'll have to think about how to better phrase the question. Thank you.

 

[Kobus]

You are correct, and it is becoming quite clear to me that I'm not making my question clear to others. There's a communication breakdown. I think the question is too specific. Something is throwing people off the point. I'll have to think about how to better phrase the question. Thank you.

im sorry i dont think this is really my place to speak

 

[Ste11aeres]

You are correct, and it is becoming quite clear to me that I'm not making my question clear to others. There's a communication breakdown. I think the question is too specific. Something is throwing people off the point. I'll have to think about how to better phrase the question. Thank you.

I think, actually, that it's a very thought provoking question. It's just not a question that anyone can readily come up with an answer to. Probably because there is no right or wrong answer.

 

[Cali Cat]

im sorry i dont think this is really my place to speak

No, don't be sorry. You didn't say anything wrong. I'm with you on this.

 

[Kobus]

still, anyone can be right about something, what really matters is where you apply it. i mean the sun is hot and the earth is round. but is it relevant to this question? look at me go of topic. i can see why you liked the disagree button idea.