Aspie Anger

[wanderer03]

I have a short fuse and have had my fair share of meltdowns - mainly through the frustration of things not working properly of not going to plan. Short notice changes can make me angry, too, though nowadays I've managed to eliminate many of the stressors that trigger an anger response, so I don't have as many meltdowns as I used to have.

Progster, that might as well be me. Currently, I'm exceedingly frustrated by my job search. Low life, scumbag recruiters are calling me on seemingly phantom jobs. I'll see a tech job on Craigslist, apply, and some not-so-smooth used car salesman calls. LOL, yep, I'm frustrated.

 

[inabox]

Something else I'd like to add. I don't enjoy getting angry because it's very tiring. But no matter how badly i deal with anger, I can deal with it much better than sadness. So (mostly subconsciously) I turn sadness into anger so I can deal with it at least a little.

 

[wanderer03]

Something else I'd like to add. I don't enjoy getting angry because it's very tiring. But no matter how badly i deal with anger, I can deal with it much better than sadness. So (mostly subconsciously) I turn sadness into anger so I can deal with it at least a little.

This is something I do as well. Saddness just spirals me down even faster. At least, in the moment, anger is energizing and a call to action. I'm sure many struggle with anger. The source of my anger is really frustration with myself but rather than continue to internalize it, I'd sooner lash out. I realize that I need to work on this because it is psychologically destabilizing but it is who I am at the moment.

 

[ancusmitis]

I think a healthy expression of anger is okay. If you go on a tirade, that won't work. Keeping it bottled up inside is very dangerous. People that are passive aggressive scare me because there is no knowing when they'll explode and when they do, watch out.

Wanderer, you are absolutely right. I find that the people who talk most about how "anger is destructive" are usually the ones who are least able to control their behavior when dealing with strong emotions. Maybe that is why they feel the way they do, but the key is to learn how to express yourself in a way that is healthy. Trying not to feel anger or claiming that you don't is basically trying to solve a problem by pretending it doesn't exist. This never works.

 

[Krafty]

I used to be relax and calm individual until i started to have a relationship. It is around this time where my anger starts...
The problem is communication with my wife. She doesn't understand me and I don't always understand her. Without going into too much detail, I get angry more like I was throwing a tantrum when i don't get understood. I still get mad today, but at least i am not punching threw walls. I raise my voice a bit, but my wife still says i yell...

YES, I can picture this scenario, I'm in the same boat and it's one of the main reasons I'm on this forum.
Like many people here, I'm usually a calm, well mannered person. I rarely get angry at anybody or have confrontations because I'm diplomatic and keep things superficial so nothing's taken to heart. However, I have an intimate relationship with my wife, see her everyday and if we have a conversation she won't let it finish until she's satisfied- not when I've ran out of responses. This aggitates me no end. I feel I'm asked to give an excess of my attention/time to something I'd consider settled and feel it's her misunderstanding of my responses and subsequently of my needs to back off and have a breather. It's when I feel backed into a corner with no escape that I get angry and it happens quickly.
To try and express to her how much I want the conversation, nay argument, to end, I once threw my favourite pint glass down onto the ground at home which promtly shattered and caused me futher problems because I had to clear it up and she still didn't back off and leave the argument be. I'm worried that in future, I might become physically violent towards her/someone. That would be very much unlike me because I'm usually so easygoing. I'm a little worried for my health too because of this stressful pent up anger and I tend to comfort eat/drink as a way to escape my reality of that moment.

As to whether Aspies are more prone to outbursts of anger, I'd say it's not necessarily the frequentcy but intensity that is the issue. We build it up inside rather than use anger as an immediate reaction.

Other than the safe word/phrase idea, are there other suggestions I could use to calm myself and give my wife the understanding to back off when I feel like erupting?

 

[Bro'Freak]

Intestity is the problem for me I think. Now that I can see I have aspergic traits, I can see why my occasional fits of
rage have been soo dramatic.

I am ususally the most palacid & gentle soul, but sometimes I burst & I find it deeply disstressing. The feeling is one of uncontrolable angst, a feeling that I have no choice but to show. To show how I feel deep down away from normal conventions & to show it unrestrained, because people aren't listening or believing of the pain/turmoil leading me to that point of no return.

The last time I lost it badly was a few years back on a new years night. I was with a girlfriend out in her local village she'd forgotten her debit card so I gave her some money. As we were settling into the second pint she turned & started being dissagreable about where we were, about the people around us & me. Well I thought it best to leave her & go to the other pub where I knew the owners very well. All was good but after a few pints I was wondering what had become of her. As I went to the other pub I could see a bunch of people surrounding someone outside, all talking & agitated. As i got closer I could see that they had surrounded my friend & were trying to find me or get her home. Turns out the girl is well known in her village for having a problem with drink. I was asked if I could help & I tried only to get some
more abuse, so I turned tail to go back to my friends pub. But as I passed some local guys I noticed one was some cocky git that used to go to my old college. He was balling at her, laughing his head off with his mate at her & at me. Now I seriously wanted to punch the living breath out of him. He was showing pleasure at others missfortune & he was that git from college. Now as I was not in the mood to hurt him I grabbed the seafront railing (3" diameter) & punched it 3 times with ever increasing force, untill I heard a sharp fast tick sound. Yep I'd just broken my own hand, so I kicked the lower railing once & just walked off. I don't think the bulliesrealised how close they came & what i'd just done. Sadly the pub had no ice so I had my hand in water all evening. I ended up walking back up to hers finding her asleep, spralled on the soffa & slowly spilling her canned beer. So I picked her up even with a broken hand & put her to bed. I left as soon as it was light in the morning & had to wait 4 days for a titainium rod to be inserted.

After that I knew I had a temper issue. So now I try not to engage in negativety. I try to be constructive about problems & not confontational. Although it does get tricky around turmoil in relationships, my bark is all one has to fear.
No way am I going to loose it physically on the one I love. I try to dissolve the id's influence, its drive to push me towards my scary expression of internal angst/pain, but I have to get a grip on my mouth still.

Ouch yeh it did happen... :-/

 

[Nisk]

YES, I can picture this scenario, I'm in the same boat and it's one of the main reasons I'm on this forum.
Like many people here, I'm usually a calm, well mannered person. I rarely get angry at anybody or have confrontations because I'm diplomatic and keep things superficial so nothing's taken to heart. However, I have an intimate relationship with my wife, see her everyday and if we have a conversation she won't let it finish until she's satisfied- not when I've ran out of responses. This aggitates me no end. I feel I'm asked to give an excess of my attention/time to something I'd consider settled and feel it's her misunderstanding of my responses and subsequently of my needs to back off and have a breather. It's when I feel backed into a corner with no escape that I get angry and it happens quickly.
To try and express to her how much I want the conversation, nay argument, to end, I once threw my favourite pint glass down onto the ground at home which promtly shattered and caused me futher problems because I had to clear it up and she still didn't back off and leave the argument be. I'm worried that in future, I might become physically violent towards her/someone. That would be very much unlike me because I'm usually so easygoing. I'm a little worried for my health too because of this stressful pent up anger and I tend to comfort eat/drink as a way to escape my reality of that moment.

As to whether Aspies are more prone to outbursts of anger, I'd say it's not necessarily the frequentcy but intensity that is the issue. We build it up inside rather than use anger as an immediate reaction.

Other than the safe word/phrase idea, are there other suggestions I could use to calm myself and give my wife the understanding to back off when I feel like erupting?

This is similar to why I know longer have a wife. I was never really aware of what my actions were doing to my wife. We couldn't have any argument without me feeling there had to be resolution. She would constantly tell me I wasn't listening to her and she felt unimportant. For us a lot of the problem was my constant need to fix things. She would call upset that our kid wouldn't sleep and had been up all day, I would instantly answer "that it's not a problem he can go to bed early". This would lead to an argument about how I never have to deal with him when he's not napping, I would get defensive and start to stonewall she would get angry and it would spiral out of control from there. Really all she wanted was for me to let her know that her frustration was valid and that I love her and appreciate her, she didn't need me to fix things.(This is just an exaggerated example but close to how things were, there was other issues but her anger was a lot due to me not hearing her). Since realizing that for me to hear her I have to shut up and actually listen our communication has gotten much better even though we're not together we talk better then we have in years. I'm learning that communication isn't always about give and take, sometimes it's about stop and listen.

 

[asman]

YES, I can picture this scenario, I'm in the same boat and it's one of the main reasons I'm on this forum.
Like many people here, I'm usually a calm, well mannered person. I rarely get angry at anybody or have confrontations because I'm diplomatic and keep things superficial so nothing's taken to heart. However, I have an intimate relationship with my wife, see her everyday and if we have a conversation she won't let it finish until she's satisfied- not when I've ran out of responses. This aggitates me no end. I feel I'm asked to give an excess of my attention/time to something I'd consider settled and feel it's her misunderstanding of my responses and subsequently of my needs to back off and have a breather. It's when I feel backed into a corner with no escape that I get angry and it happens quickly.
To try and express to her how much I want the conversation, nay argument, to end, I once threw my favourite pint glass down onto the ground at home which promtly shattered and caused me futher problems because I had to clear it up and she still didn't back off and leave the argument be. I'm worried that in future, I might become physically violent towards her/someone. That would be very much unlike me because I'm usually so easygoing. I'm a little worried for my health too because of this stressful pent up anger and I tend to comfort eat/drink as a way to escape my reality of that moment.

As to whether Aspies are more prone to outbursts of anger, I'd say it's not necessarily the frequentcy but intensity that is the issue. We build it up inside rather than use anger as an immediate reaction.

Other than the safe word/phrase idea, are there other suggestions I could use to calm myself and give my wife the understanding to back off when I feel like erupting?

Hey Krafty! Glad to find someone in the same boat. I, too, would never succumb to physical harm to my wife. No matter how angry I get, my mind would never let me hurt her. But, sadly, she says that my yelling at her and the awful things I saw about her is verbal abuse. Obviously, I didn't meant to abuse her in anyway, and I feel really bad about it. But nonetheless, when she pushes the right button to fire me up, it is just so hard to hold back.

Communication....yup....i think we both have the same thing with our spouses. I tried to tell my wife to understand things from my perspective. She refuses cause she doesn't want to turn into an aspie. Well, i kinda give up trying to have her see things my way. I am desperately trying to understand things in NT way, but it is just so difficult.

I hope if you bring this up with your wife about learning to communicate differently, she would be more receptive. A good book i would recommend is: The Asperger Couple's Workbook by Maxine Aston.

Good luck, mate!

 

[wanderer03]

I have a short fuse and have had my fair share of meltdowns - mainly through the frustration of things not working properly of not going to plan. Short notice changes can make me angry, too, though nowadays I've managed to eliminate many of the stressors that trigger an anger response, so I don't have as many meltdowns as I used to have.

That is a very good and constructive way to handle anger. I've learned a few myself with many thanks to DBT or Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

 

[wanderer03]

This is similar to why I know longer have a wife. I was never really aware of what my actions were doing to my wife. We couldn't have any argument without me feeling there had to be resolution. She would constantly tell me I wasn't listening to her and she felt unimportant. For us a lot of the problem was my constant need to fix things. She would call upset that our kid wouldn't sleep and had been up all day, I would instantly answer "that it's not a problem he can go to bed early". This would lead to an argument about how I never have to deal with him when he's not napping, I would get defensive and start to stonewall she would get angry and it would spiral out of control from there. Really all she wanted was for me to let her know that her frustration was valid and that I love her and appreciate her, she didn't need me to fix things.(This is just an exaggerated example but close to how things were, there was other issues but her anger was a lot due to me not hearing her). Since realizing that for me to hear her I have to shut up and actually listen our communication has gotten much better even though we're not together we talk better then we have in years. I'm learning that communication isn't always about give and take, sometimes it's about stop and listen.

That's really good advice. I learned pretty much the same way you did except for the fact that I never did get married - it cost me someone that I cared about. Social dynamics constantly challenge me. Another lesson I had to learn was to model my behavior based on other people. It did not come naturally to me and a lot of times I hate doing it because the behavior I'm modeling is largely (IMHO) wasted action.

 

[asman]

This is similar to why I know longer have a wife. I was never really aware of what my actions were doing to my wife. We couldn't have any argument without me feeling there had to be resolution. She would constantly tell me I wasn't listening to her and she felt unimportant. For us a lot of the problem was my constant need to fix things. She would call upset that our kid wouldn't sleep and had been up all day, I would instantly answer "that it's not a problem he can go to bed early". This would lead to an argument about how I never have to deal with him when he's not napping, I would get defensive and start to stonewall she would get angry and it would spiral out of control from there. Really all she wanted was for me to let her know that her frustration was valid and that I love her and appreciate her, she didn't need me to fix things.(This is just an exaggerated example but close to how things were, there was other issues but her anger was a lot due to me not hearing her). Since realizing that for me to hear her I have to shut up and actually listen our communication has gotten much better even though we're not together we talk better then we have in years. I'm learning that communication isn't always about give and take, sometimes it's about stop and listen.

It's like we are traveled on the same boat lol ...except, I am finally learning this lesson now!

 

[Amy Bellows]

My anger rarely gets let out, which isn't to say that I don't get angry. I just dislike confrontation very much, so I hold in what anger I do have until I can be alone to calm myself down. Sometimes holding in this anger (so it isn't explosive) turns into a passive-aggressiveness, which I do not intend. When I realize that I am giving everyone short answers with a rude tone of voice and thinking very negatively towards the source of my anger, I know that I should immediately find a place to be alone and calm myself (usually by sitting on the floor, curled up, hands over ears, and rocking---most relaxing position ever!). If I don't calm myself soon after developing a passive-aggressive mindset, I will likely explode in a single bout of anger and storm off to go calm myself down. This usually leaves people a little dumbfounded. Oh, and I will yell while driving down the road when drivers do anything that seems worthy of being yelled at, especially after a stressful day at work or school (though I hold this in as much as possible whenever others are in the car with me).

I hate confrontation, and am generally seen as "slow to anger"... What people don't see is that I suppress a lot, and there are usually warning signs right before the eruption. I get short with people, I also feel my whole body getting very heavy and slow, like I'm caught in a gravity well.

When it finally does break through, it can take hours and sometimes days to calm down.

 

[Coupe]

I feel angry a lot of the time, and I don't really know what causes it and I don't really recognize it when it happens. I've coped with it in different ways over the years...one way was that when I was angry, I would punish myself. I did this by biting myself (usually on the "fatty" parts of my arms, hands and fingers - sometimes enough to leave teeth marks) hitting my head (usually with my hands, the heels of my palms, or if I had been ESPECIALLY bad, I would smack my head against a wall or any other hard surface available), or by scratching my arms, face and legs (raking my fingernails along my skin until red "trails" were raised). My logic was, I was not allowed to hurt the people who (intentionally or unintentionally) made me angry and provoked my inner turmoil, so I was just as well off to take it out on myself. It didn't matter what I did, then.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I think a healthy expression of anger is okay. If you go on a tirade, that won't work. Keeping it bottled up inside is very dangerous. People that are passive aggressive scare me because there is no knowing when they'll explode and when they do, watch out.

In that case, stay away from me.