Intestity is the problem for me I think. Now that I can see I have aspergic traits, I can see why my occasional fits of
rage have been soo dramatic.
I am ususally the most palacid & gentle soul, but sometimes I burst & I find it deeply disstressing. The feeling is one of uncontrolable angst, a feeling that I have no choice but to show. To show how I feel deep down away from normal conventions & to show it unrestrained, because people aren't listening or believing of the pain/turmoil leading me to that point of no return.
The last time I lost it badly was a few years back on a new years night. I was with a girlfriend out in her local village she'd forgotten her debit card so I gave her some money. As we were settling into the second pint she turned & started being dissagreable about where we were, about the people around us & me. Well I thought it best to leave her & go to the other pub where I knew the owners very well. All was good but after a few pints I was wondering what had become of her. As I went to the other pub I could see a bunch of people surrounding someone outside, all talking & agitated. As i got closer I could see that they had surrounded my friend & were trying to find me or get her home. Turns out the girl is well known in her village for having a problem with drink. I was asked if I could help & I tried only to get some
more abuse, so I turned tail to go back to my friends pub. But as I passed some local guys I noticed one was some cocky git that used to go to my old college. He was balling at her, laughing his head off with his mate at her & at me. Now I seriously wanted to punch the living breath out of him. He was showing pleasure at others missfortune & he was that git from college. Now as I was not in the mood to hurt him I grabbed the seafront railing (3" diameter) & punched it 3 times with ever increasing force, untill I heard a sharp fast tick sound. Yep I'd just broken my own hand, so I kicked the lower railing once & just walked off. I don't think the bulliesrealised how close they came & what i'd just done. Sadly the pub had no ice so I had my hand in water all evening. I ended up walking back up to hers finding her asleep, spralled on the soffa & slowly spilling her canned beer. So I picked her up even with a broken hand & put her to bed. I left as soon as it was light in the morning & had to wait 4 days for a titainium rod to be inserted.
After that I knew I had a temper issue. So now I try not to engage in negativety. I try to be constructive about problems & not confontational. Although it does get tricky around turmoil in relationships, my bark is all one has to fear.
No way am I going to loose it physically on the one I love. I try to dissolve the id's influence, its drive to push me towards my scary expression of internal angst/pain, but I have to get a grip on my mouth still.
Ouch yeh it did happen... :-/