Hello, everyone!
My name is Wilku. I am not autistic myself, but AspieCenral has been recommended to me by an austistic person I have met lately.
Me and my family have a problem regarding my nephew. He is 11 years old as I write these words, and my sister claims he has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome a couple of years ago. I say "claims", because, well, we are not so sure. It is very hard to confront my sister about it, because she tends to get very defensive or even aggressive, believeing that we doubt her out of spite. She is also a single mother, by the way, divorced not long after Nicholas was born. But let me start from the beggining.
Nicholas was born with child epilepsy (my sister had been rather stressed during pregnancy). He had a couple of epileptic attacks and started taking medication for it. He did not have any more attacks since he was about 1, he kept taking the medication however. Last year he was diagnosed again and the neurologist claimes that he had been healthy for years and should not have taken the medication for so long.
Now, Nicholas was always a very needy child, wanting to be in the centre of attention, always had a discipline and authority recognition problem. He is very hard to deal with and be around, because he's just really, really annoying. My sister used to say that he had trouble adjusting because of the meds, but when he was about 6, some neurologist said that perhaps Nicholas has Asperger's Syndrome. My sister loved the idea (I mean, she was really excited that it would explain all of Nicholas' behaviours), she never got a second opinion and I have never seen an official diagnosis. Now everything that Nicholas does is pinned on his autism.
Now about Nicholas himself. He is a kid who never actually lived through any consequence of his actions. He's rather loud, hiperactive and has a great need for attention - he will start singing at the dinner table (we usually meet for bigger occasions, like Christmas and so on), or try to out shout everyone so we listen only to him. He also has no concept of personal space, privacy or property. We always explain everything to him in the most logical way possible, but it never works. e takes or plays with things that are not his (and he knows it). He also has a very good grasp of what blackmail is and often uses it against us. If we scold him for something and of course explain why he is being scolded, he then complains to his mom, but he does so by leaving out the details that incriminate him making us look like picky, evil bastards. My sister often does the same thing, she can be really mean to people sometimes.
My sister is raising him in a completely stressless environment (I mean to the point of it being ridiculus). He lives in this bubble where he just has to say he's sorry and feel guilty about what he has done and all is forgiven. We're not allowed to punish him if he does something wrong even though we told him not to (I don't mean like beat him with a belt, but generally just execute some form of punishment, like no dessert, or something like that), because my sister will suddenly jump at us saying that he's sick and we should not pick on him.
Now a bit about my sister and her child raising methods. My sister is lazy. It sounds plain and kind of bleak, but it is the truth. She has never done anything that seemed like hard work for more than a couple of months. She has quite a comfortable life. Our parents bought her an apartment, a car, and also supported her until last year (she is 41 now). Untill then, she did some part time jobs, nothing back breaking. She believes in completely stressless child raising. Children should be treated like small adults, talked to a lot, and never actually punished, because that would be wrong. The thing is that perhaps those methods work, but since, as I said, my sister is lazy, she does not incorporate them very effectively. A couple of examples. Nicholas is playing with my mothers gold jewelery, trying to squeeze too small a necklace over his head. He knows he's not supposed to do it, because over the years he was repeatedly told not to. We know we cannot say anything because otherwise we are "picking on a sick child". My sister says nothing, just sips her wine and gossips. Other time he is playing with christmass tree ornaments. We keep telling him that it might not be the best idea, since they easily break and some of them are rather expensive. Of course he does not listen, breaks one, and runs shouting to his mom that he is sorry. My sister says "oh, it's okay, nothing bad has happened, grandma is not mad at you". And I know she was. I have tons more, I could write a book about situations like these. Usually my sister just shrugs it off, saying some psycho-babble about her being the leader of his herd, and therefore we should not say anything, because he only respects her word. She never does say anything though. She also almost never brings any toys for him when she comes to visit, so he looks for entertainment elsewhere.
Another thing is that, when Nicholas finds himself alone in a completely adult environment with at least one firm person, then after a couple of hours starts being a completely normal, obedient child. He went to camps (normal sport camps for kids), everything was fine. When he was left with my mother for a week, after one day he was cleaning after himself, getting dressed on time, didn't do too many silly stuff after telling him to knock it off.
Normally I just kept quiet and tried not to complain about him too much. But recently my sister got this great idea to bring him to this after-school class where moms with autistic children meet and try to work together with their kids. And here is the thing - to me my nephew is just a spoiled brat, with no concept of authority and discipline, so wouldn't it be offensive if he came to this group of actual autistic children, where mothers who had contact with the real thing come to try to make a better living for their children?
Sometimes I get the feeling that my sister actually knows that Nicholas is not autistic but, being a person who will never admit a mistake, just keeps quiet about it.
Recently we had a falling out over Nicholas during last Easter. My sister sent me and my mother a movie she recorded, where she's saying about how no one in our family talks about their problems, how my family is so perfect (I'm married and we have a 2-year-old daughter), and she's an outcast, and that we need to make a decision if we want to accept her the way she and Nicholas are or not. Just to clarify, both me and my brother talk to our parents about everything, be it good or bad, me and my wife put a lot of time into raising our daughter (who is a bit of a drama queen), and generally we all try very hard to be a whole family.
From my point of view Nicholas is a spoiled brat, who just always feels safe, and does not have to worry about consequences. And I really want to confront my sister about it. But I am worried that I am mistaken or missing something, and my nephew actually is sick himself and I'm just a terrible uncle who does not believe it.
That's why I came here to get some advice. Is there anything you can tell me, anything me or my mother can do? Should we talk to a doctor? What kind, is a neurologist actually a good choice? If you need more details, I will provide as much as I can.
Thank you in advance for all replies!
P.S. Sorry if I made any mistakes, English is not my native language and I hope I was understandable enough.
My name is Wilku. I am not autistic myself, but AspieCenral has been recommended to me by an austistic person I have met lately.
Me and my family have a problem regarding my nephew. He is 11 years old as I write these words, and my sister claims he has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome a couple of years ago. I say "claims", because, well, we are not so sure. It is very hard to confront my sister about it, because she tends to get very defensive or even aggressive, believeing that we doubt her out of spite. She is also a single mother, by the way, divorced not long after Nicholas was born. But let me start from the beggining.
Nicholas was born with child epilepsy (my sister had been rather stressed during pregnancy). He had a couple of epileptic attacks and started taking medication for it. He did not have any more attacks since he was about 1, he kept taking the medication however. Last year he was diagnosed again and the neurologist claimes that he had been healthy for years and should not have taken the medication for so long.
Now, Nicholas was always a very needy child, wanting to be in the centre of attention, always had a discipline and authority recognition problem. He is very hard to deal with and be around, because he's just really, really annoying. My sister used to say that he had trouble adjusting because of the meds, but when he was about 6, some neurologist said that perhaps Nicholas has Asperger's Syndrome. My sister loved the idea (I mean, she was really excited that it would explain all of Nicholas' behaviours), she never got a second opinion and I have never seen an official diagnosis. Now everything that Nicholas does is pinned on his autism.
Now about Nicholas himself. He is a kid who never actually lived through any consequence of his actions. He's rather loud, hiperactive and has a great need for attention - he will start singing at the dinner table (we usually meet for bigger occasions, like Christmas and so on), or try to out shout everyone so we listen only to him. He also has no concept of personal space, privacy or property. We always explain everything to him in the most logical way possible, but it never works. e takes or plays with things that are not his (and he knows it). He also has a very good grasp of what blackmail is and often uses it against us. If we scold him for something and of course explain why he is being scolded, he then complains to his mom, but he does so by leaving out the details that incriminate him making us look like picky, evil bastards. My sister often does the same thing, she can be really mean to people sometimes.
My sister is raising him in a completely stressless environment (I mean to the point of it being ridiculus). He lives in this bubble where he just has to say he's sorry and feel guilty about what he has done and all is forgiven. We're not allowed to punish him if he does something wrong even though we told him not to (I don't mean like beat him with a belt, but generally just execute some form of punishment, like no dessert, or something like that), because my sister will suddenly jump at us saying that he's sick and we should not pick on him.
Now a bit about my sister and her child raising methods. My sister is lazy. It sounds plain and kind of bleak, but it is the truth. She has never done anything that seemed like hard work for more than a couple of months. She has quite a comfortable life. Our parents bought her an apartment, a car, and also supported her until last year (she is 41 now). Untill then, she did some part time jobs, nothing back breaking. She believes in completely stressless child raising. Children should be treated like small adults, talked to a lot, and never actually punished, because that would be wrong. The thing is that perhaps those methods work, but since, as I said, my sister is lazy, she does not incorporate them very effectively. A couple of examples. Nicholas is playing with my mothers gold jewelery, trying to squeeze too small a necklace over his head. He knows he's not supposed to do it, because over the years he was repeatedly told not to. We know we cannot say anything because otherwise we are "picking on a sick child". My sister says nothing, just sips her wine and gossips. Other time he is playing with christmass tree ornaments. We keep telling him that it might not be the best idea, since they easily break and some of them are rather expensive. Of course he does not listen, breaks one, and runs shouting to his mom that he is sorry. My sister says "oh, it's okay, nothing bad has happened, grandma is not mad at you". And I know she was. I have tons more, I could write a book about situations like these. Usually my sister just shrugs it off, saying some psycho-babble about her being the leader of his herd, and therefore we should not say anything, because he only respects her word. She never does say anything though. She also almost never brings any toys for him when she comes to visit, so he looks for entertainment elsewhere.
Another thing is that, when Nicholas finds himself alone in a completely adult environment with at least one firm person, then after a couple of hours starts being a completely normal, obedient child. He went to camps (normal sport camps for kids), everything was fine. When he was left with my mother for a week, after one day he was cleaning after himself, getting dressed on time, didn't do too many silly stuff after telling him to knock it off.
Normally I just kept quiet and tried not to complain about him too much. But recently my sister got this great idea to bring him to this after-school class where moms with autistic children meet and try to work together with their kids. And here is the thing - to me my nephew is just a spoiled brat, with no concept of authority and discipline, so wouldn't it be offensive if he came to this group of actual autistic children, where mothers who had contact with the real thing come to try to make a better living for their children?
Sometimes I get the feeling that my sister actually knows that Nicholas is not autistic but, being a person who will never admit a mistake, just keeps quiet about it.
Recently we had a falling out over Nicholas during last Easter. My sister sent me and my mother a movie she recorded, where she's saying about how no one in our family talks about their problems, how my family is so perfect (I'm married and we have a 2-year-old daughter), and she's an outcast, and that we need to make a decision if we want to accept her the way she and Nicholas are or not. Just to clarify, both me and my brother talk to our parents about everything, be it good or bad, me and my wife put a lot of time into raising our daughter (who is a bit of a drama queen), and generally we all try very hard to be a whole family.
From my point of view Nicholas is a spoiled brat, who just always feels safe, and does not have to worry about consequences. And I really want to confront my sister about it. But I am worried that I am mistaken or missing something, and my nephew actually is sick himself and I'm just a terrible uncle who does not believe it.
That's why I came here to get some advice. Is there anything you can tell me, anything me or my mother can do? Should we talk to a doctor? What kind, is a neurologist actually a good choice? If you need more details, I will provide as much as I can.
Thank you in advance for all replies!
P.S. Sorry if I made any mistakes, English is not my native language and I hope I was understandable enough.
Also, even though she is already 2, she cannot speak yet because we live in a multi-lingual environment, so it's hard to communicate. But we're working on it. Most of the time she is quieter than Nicholas, who can speak very well.
