Asperger's and Generosity

[Sportster]

I have learned over the years the problems that come with being generous with money or "the things it can buy." I never realized it before, but my generosity in the past made others uncomfortable. For example, I had some friends whose DVD player gave out, so I bought them a new one; not a cheap Walmart player, but a top of the line Toshiba. So, what good is a new DVD player without a decent TV set? Once again, I ran by Best Buy and picked up a 32" TV for them; this was before "affordable" flat-screen TV's came out.

Back then I couldn't understand why they were so bothered by my generosity. Rather than say "Thank you" and enjoy what I got them, they kept fussing about the fact I bought the stuff for them. They eventually became so bothered by it all that they left everything on my doorstep one afternoon; I've not seen or heard from them in over fifteen years.

 

[Questella]

Yes

 

[Rayner]

Yes I find my wondering that same thing myself not as much materialistic sense, but a lot more in that I've been taken advantage from before many times. I'm cautious about who trust, especially at work. Anybody that works in the trades knows how precious their tools are to them. If I couldn't trust someone With my livelihood, I can't trust them with my tools. Right now I'm working as a framer, so with out my tools I couldn't do what I do. I take pride in the work I do, it's easy to see who shows up at work for just a paycheck and those that do care about their, work and more importantly their reputation professionally and ethnically.

 

[arcan]

I do too. I've definitely erased money from my generosity. Too many problems with that. As with time and help, now I just don't expect more than a "thank you" anymore.

 

[wanderer03]

It's been a constant problem for me. Doing for others ans bending over backwards for little in return.

 

[Dave O]

I am also extremely generous. It creates problems in various ways, but generally the small group of people I know tend to reciprocate. My closest friend is constantly asking "When are you going to learn to say no? I don't understand why you don't just say N-O." She is right, as sometimes the things I agree to to do are either uncomfortable for me to do, or simply not a great idea.

A recent example would be my friend Cory. I don't see him very often, but when I do it's always because he needs something. He came over and told me he and his wife are moving again. I've helped him move many times and he is never prepared. After the last stressful endeavor, I told him I would not help him move again. Well he asked again and I finally managed to say "No. I'm retired from helping you move." He pleaded his case but I would not budge. A few days later, he came back and asked again and I relented. However, he misrepresented the endeavor by purposely not telling me it was on the third floor. He told a mutual friend that he knew I would say no if he was honest about that detail. The things we were to move to the third floor? "Oh, you and I will take care of all the heavy stuff. My mattress (he's 6'8") and armoire." I was upset that he manipulated me in an intentionally dishonest manner.

So the day arrives, and I get up early and get showered and dressed. He was supposed to pick me up at 9 AM. I end up waiting for four hours and he never shows up or calls. Eventually I just went about my day as usual. I ended up being relieved because the risk of personal injury was definitely possible if not probable. However, I was also irritated and full of anxiety for days. He and his wife are over 30, and both employed. They can afford to offer compensation to someone more suited for the task.

In any case, I tend to attract very manipulative people as friends. Whether it's little things, like my recent example, or more egregious situations, I tend to be involved and very rarely do I receive compensation for those situations.

 

[arcan]

Reciprocity also causes me problems when it happens. I always have the feeling I get too much back, or fear that what I want to ask would be too much.

 

[Dave O]

Reciprocity also causes me problems when it happens. I always have the feeling I get too much back, or fear that what I want to ask would be too much.

Absolutely. When someone does tend to offer reward or gratitude, I deflect it as it makes me uncomfortable. For instance, almost any time someone offers me cash for a service rendered, and the price was either not negotiated previously, or they are giving me a "bonus" I will say "That's too much" or "Are you sure?" several times. I'm not really certain why? I guess because I can't gauge as to whether they really want to or if they feel obligated to and might not be happy to do so? Strange.

I often become quiet or deflect from verbal praise as well.

 

[jellyhead]

Yup

 

[SingaSong]

I hope I am generous, but I'm not always able to recognise when someone needs or would like something.