ASDers, do you fake eye contact or not?

[Fridgemagnetman]

Perhaps that’s where the ‘faking it’ comes into play?

I could be mistaken but I’m guessing that when a person reveals things about themselves to you, things they wouldn’t ordinarily tell everyone, chances are they just want to say it out loud.

Sometimes it doesn’t need understanding, or fixing, or finding solutions for.
Some people just want to tell their story and find their own clarity once they’ve done just that.

I understand ‘a betrayal of trust’ to mean not meeting an expectation or ideal.
Someone confides something personal to me, they can trust me not to blab my mouth off and announce it publicly.
Which was probably what they hoped would happen, their expectation of me.
If you mean by my not understanding everything they’re talking about makes my ‘faking it’ a betrayal of trust then I would ask
‘was it a necessity in the first place?’
Was it my job to understand everything?
If I was employed in a professional capacity as a therapist then understanding a client would be important.

In my own experiences I’ve usually listened to customers, colleagues, acquaintances, family.

It’s never been my responsibility to fix their lives. Just listen, if they want to get something off their chest.


So yes, I am mimicking. (Faking?)
Am I deliberately being devious or deceptive?
To a point yes,
because I’m not naturally equipped with what it takes to do that sort of stuff and someone has just started disclosing to me.

What can I do?
Ask them to be quiet because they’re not making sense and I don’t understand them?
I’m guessing that would hurt them.
I don’t want to add to their hurt.
Deception with no malice?

I wonder right one difference is. -

We're aware were faking it.

Others are not aware.
They've been playing along with 'the game' for so long
They think it's real.

Often the game is - as other people play it -
feign interest until speaking stops.
Talk about self again.

 

[the_tortoise]

If you mean by my not understanding everything they’re talking about makes my ‘faking it’ a betrayal of trust then I would ask
‘was it a necessity in the first place?’

Sometimes it is. Sometimes people tell a person things because they want to be understood more than anything else.

People have expressed gratitude and relief specifically at being understood by me, so it was pretty horrifying to have it click that in a lot of those instances I didn't underestand much at all.

Also when I tell people things about myself it's because I want to be understood, not because I want to talk and it doesnt matter if I'm understood or not -- it upsets me a lot when people don't understand what I'm trying to tell them, especially if it seems like nobody understands me when I try to communicate whatever-it-is. (Maybe I'm rare in that, though, and most people don't care....that would be good.)

What can I do?
Ask them to be quiet because they’re not making sense and I don’t understand them?
I’m guessing that would hurt them.
I don’t want to add to their hurt.

No, of course it would be bad to do that....the only alternative I have ever thought of is to say I don't understand completely but I get it's important/really stressful/sad/frustrating/awesome/whatever (have done this with people who know a lot about me and the fact that I don't always understand things) and theoretically a person could try to ask for clarification, but that's very difficult to do without "stealing focus" from the person who needs support.....just very difficult to do in the first place, especially on the spot.

I think you are right, about how all we can do is the best we can to be kind and supportive.....but I still wonder, and feel unsettled about it at times.

 

[the_tortoise]

We're aware were faking it.

Others are not aware.
They've been playing along with 'the game' for so long
They think it's real.

Some of us just never understood conversational mechanics that well, nor normal use of words.

I responded to other peoples emotions and nonverbals, and as best I could to their words and I used words to express myself as best I could and to interact. I was just being me and doing what I wanted to do. Not trying to meet anyone's expectations. Not trying to fit in or seem like anyone else. Not trying to give a certain image of myself. I didn't start out playing a game and then lose sight of what's real.

I didn't know there was anything more than I could do. I didn't know I was different (I didn't think I was the same, either, I just never thought about it).

And what I'm talking about in terms of the me-understanding-the-gestalt-and-feelings-but-nothing-else dillemma, I don't see how that even relates to faking interest. In these situations I was/am interested, genuinely interested, and I desperately wished/wish I could understand better.

I'm not saying faking interest is bad -- it's not, at least not when you're trying to be kind and polite and supportive/encouraging (or just to keep yourself safe, or to connect with people in whatever way you can), and I have done it. It's just not what I'm talking about.

 

[Bella Pines]

Well I would probably say "force".

Most of the time, if I can ACTUALLY be bothered to turn toward someone, I look at their nose, or off into the distance.

But if I want them to think I am listening to them (which I rarely am), or I want to make a strong point, I will choose one of their eyes and look directly into it. I suppose that could be considered faking if it's not a natural action.

 

[the_tortoise]

I wish I had used better words/phrasing...not "fake"/"faking".

 

[Lady Lucifer]

I do both. And I'm also face blind. So sometimes I do it, sometimes I don't and sometimes I don't know if I'm making eye contact or not.

 

[Fade2black]

I have to fake it. It's not natural and I don't know when to look away, or even hot to make it appear I'm looking away and returning eye to eye contact. I often look too long at someone when they are talking. I sense it creeps some people out.

 

[theflutegirl12]

I can't fake eye contact. I either look in someone's eyes or I don't. I have begun being able to actually look in people's eyes, and it has payed off for me!