Asbergers or just not into me or both ?

[Maelstrom]

"Face time" seems to be a pretty big priority in the NT world. Quite the opposite of an Aspie's routine need for solitude. Both of which can appear quite alien to the other.

Dynamics which definitely reflect quite a challenge to deal with for a successful relationship.

Maybe be but begging off from dates all summer is pushing it even for a aspie. I can handle at least once a week, and I'm a aspie.

 

[Auroradanileigh]

I didn't understand your post can you repeat that?

 

[Ylva]

I didn't understand your post can you repeat that?

Maelstrom, who is an aspie, is saying that he once pursued a girl who may or may not have been allistic, and she kept postponing dates with him without calling them off.

 

[Auroradanileigh]

Ahh understood.

Yes well he's the one doing it to me .
It's ok the more I talk about it the more k think I just need to chalk it up to him not wanting me and AS. So I will just let him go I guess for now.

 

[Maelstrom]

Ahh understood.

Yes well he's the one doing it to me .
It's ok the more I talk about it the more k think I just need to chalk it up to him not wanting me and AS. So I will just let him go I guess for now.

sorry I was referring to my lost autistic girlfriend, she had worse autism issues, but at some point you have to say the other person is not trying on making the relations work.
Not showing up and calling texting a relationship doesn't work after a certain amount of time, no matter how nice the boyfriend is.
There has to be some basic willingness to actually be around a person, in order to be a real couple....otherwise it is just a game for entertainment.
I believe that game is called + +ing

 

[Judge]

sorry I was referring to my lost autistic girlfriend, she had worse autism issues, but at some point you have to say the other person is not trying on making the relations work.
Not showing up and calling texting a relationship doesn't work after a certain amount of time, no matter how nice the boyfriend is.
There has to be some basic willingness to actually be around a person, in order to be a real couple....otherwise it is just a game for entertainment.
I believe that game is called + +ing

Interesting. But are you certain this person who was on the spectrum was truly capable of the "face time" you felt you needed?

Was it her autism that prevented a more conventional relationship on your terms, or was she simply an autistic person catfishing you?

Either could be the truth. Maybe even both. But having been a victim of catfishing for years, I consider it a more deliberate, malevolent thing to do. But yes, that it can span all neurological profiles and isn't likely contained to only one of them.

 

[Maelstrom]

Interesting. But are you certain this person who was on the spectrum was truly capable of the "face time" you felt you needed?

Was it her autism that prevented a more conventional relationship on your terms, or was she simply an autistic person catfishing you?

Either could be the truth. Maybe even both. But having been a victim of catfishing for years, I consider it a more deliberate, malevolent thing to do. But yes, that it can span all neurological profiles and isn't likely contained to only one of them.

I have no idea.....she never really told me what was going on.
In the end what difference does it make?...how can I learn to understand and love someone enough to marry them....if they are too afraid to show their real selves and be with me?
She seriously underestimated my willingness to work with her on her Autism issues, I am kind I would have cut her tons of slack on it.
But how do I love a empty chair, or a empty room, I need a real person not a ghost....or a willow wisp.
Maybe she meant no harm....harm came anyway!

She didn't listen when I said showing for a date at least once a month was the bare minimum for things to keep going.

Now she hates me for asking less then most guys expect, even tho I would have done almost anything for her if she truly loved me.
Autsim only covers so much in relations, you still have to show some consideration and effort to the other person to make it work.

 

[Judge]

I have no idea.....she never really told me what was going on.
In the end what difference does it make?...how can I learn to understand and love someone enough to marry them....if they are too afraid to show their real selves and be with me?

Well, I can only answer that as myself and for no others. That I've learned enough about my own perceived autism to be more understanding and forgiving of my own kind. I would still be as hurt, but at least I could understand why it was happening, and why she may be incapable of anything else.

At least you still have time to find someone, whatever the difficulty level of such a relationship might be. Hopefully you'll find them before you get to a point where you just give up, as I did. But there are no guarantees.

 

[Maelstrom]

Well, I can only answer that as myself and for no others. That I've learned enough about my own perceived autism to be more understanding and forgiving of my own kind. I would still be as hurt, but at least I could understand why it was happening, and why she may be incapable of anything else.

At least you still have time to find someone, whatever the difficulty level of such a relationship might be. Hopefully you'll find them before you get to a point where you just give up, as I did. But there are no guarantees.

I am still trying.....and I try to be better and and kinder softer and more understanding. I figure I have to go the extra mile if I wish them to do same for my autism....I would have moved heaven and earth for her if she made a real effort to show she loved me.
Sigh! She chose to cut me off rather then meet me half way.... what can I do with that!

Autism makes us suffer allot.... I've payed my dues and played a thousand hands with the Grim Reaper ....keeping on trying to pick up a few crumbs of friendship and love is all I have to keep me on in this world.

I have already reached my high point on interests...I can't reach into the roots of the universe, and and the Halls of God, to pull the stars down twice.

What is left worth doing but love?

Sigh! the one thing I am least savant at... God help me!

 

[Auroradanileigh]

sorry I was referring to my lost autistic girlfriend, she had worse autism issues, but at some point you have to say the other person is not trying on making the relations work.
Not showing up and calling texting a relationship doesn't work after a certain amount of time, no matter how nice the boyfriend is.
There has to be some basic willingness to actually be around a person, in order to be a real couple....otherwise it is just a game for entertainment.
I believe that game is called + +ing

I agree. Perhaps I underestimated his ability to even make a tiny effort once romantic feelings are involved. Ive seen this behavior with him before actually with the girl before me. So I know it isnt me. She didnt care enough about him to really make a big deal about it and eventually just moved on. Hes still a bit obsessed with her. But they were nowhere near as close as he and I are.

 

[Auroradanileigh]

I have no idea.....she never really told me what was going on.
In the end what difference does it make?...how can I learn to understand and love someone enough to marry them....if they are too afraid to show their real selves and be with me?
She seriously underestimated my willingness to work with her on her Autism issues, I am kind I would have cut her tons of slack on it.
But how do I love a empty chair, or a empty room, I need a real person not a ghost....or a willow wisp.
Maybe she meant no harm....harm came anyway!

She didn't listen when I said showing for a date at least once a month was the bare minimum for things to keep going.

Now she hates me for asking less then most guys expect, even tho I would have done almost anything for her if she truly loved me.
Autsim only covers so much in relations, you still have to show some consideration and effort to the other person to make it work.

Thats very unfortunate. But Im seeing a similar pattern now with my own situation. Currently, Im being ignored, hes mad that I cut off the romantic part of the relationship in order to salvage our friendship, yet he is the one who refused to give it to me in the first place. He has shown irritation with me lately and nastiness.

I think that since we both have experienced this in a similar fashion, perhaps this is their way of responding to a break in routine? a routine that maybe by all outward appearances to the significant other does not show love and affection, but this is their way? and it has been taken away from them.

So interesting that Im experiencing a similar backlash. This is exactly what I was afraid of. People thought I was crazy for even thinking he would be upset if I moved on without warning.
I get the feeling he hates me too. But I will continue to be loving and kind and be his friend and reach out.

Side note, hes also acting out on his friends and being a bit rude and condescending to them also. This may be his coping mechanism Im not sure, but IM positive I set it off by telling him no more sexual innuendos.

 

[Auroradanileigh]

I am still trying.....and I try to be better and and kinder softer and more understanding. I figure I have to go the extra mile if I wish them to do same for my autism....I would have moved heaven and earth for her if she made a real effort to show she loved me.
Sigh! She chose to cut me off rather then meet me half way.... what can I do with that!

Autism makes us suffer allot.... I've payed my dues and played a thousand hands with the Grim Reaper ....keeping on trying to pick up a few crumbs of friendship and love is all I have to keep me on in this world.

I have already reached my high point on interests...I can't reach into the roots of the universe, and and the Halls of God, to pull the stars down twice.

What is left worth doing but love?

Sigh! the one thing I am least savant at... God help me!

For someone on the spectrum you are incredibly self actualized. Just like my best friend he also strives to learn and work towards healthy relationship. He has them also. I think that you will be just fine. Imagine if you didnt even realize you had AS? that much be a confusing existence, wondering why nothing works out and always trying to understand the behavior. At least you are aware, and that is a major step into making things different for the future.

 

[Ylva]

Hey, rejection hurts. Alexithymia or not, its not that easy to handle.

People thought I was crazy for even thinking he would be upset if I moved on without warning.

That is ableist on more than one level.

For someone on the spectrum you are incredibly self actualized.

That is even more ableist.

To say nothing of your going on and on about "breaks in routine" like hes some sort of pet that is getting upset because you stopped taking him for walks.

 

[Auroradanileigh]

Sorry I wasnt trying to offend anyone here.
I was going on what we had previously said about the notion of being on the spectrum and not really knowing how to express and identify feelings.
Sorry If I offended. It wasnt meant to come off that way.

 

[Auroradanileigh]

Hey, rejection hurts. Alexithymia or not, its not that easy to handle.

I honestly wasnt even sure he would care, since hes been rejecting me over and over again every single day for a year now.

That is ableist on more than one level.



That is even more ableist.

To say nothing of your going on and on about "breaks in routine" like hes some sort of pet that is getting upset because you stopped taking him for walks.

I think that was taken out of context. I certainly dont think of him as a pet. I referenced routine because that is a very real part of his life. And it was the only way I could really describe some aspects of his behavior, which are routine. The nature of the conversation was about the change in the pattern and what we had been doing. If this wasnt the right way to word it I apologize. Im definitely not trying to insult anyone here or come off as being discriminatory against anyone.

 

[Ylva]

People you both know assume he can't feel upset.

How would you feel if someone told you: "for a girl you are pretty mentally healthy"? Better yet, what if someone told another woman that in front of you? Same thing.

 

[Auroradanileigh]

People you both know assume he can't feel upset.

How would you feel if someone told you: "for a girl you are pretty mentally healthy"? Better yet, what if someone told another woman that in front of you? Same thing.

I see why that would be upsetting. Sorry that was a miscommunication and poor choice of words to express what I was trying to say. Im the last person to be ignorant of peoples feelings as I always try to be kind and put myself in other peoples shoes, hence me starting this thread to gain more insight. Again I apologize if I offended anyone.

 

[Auroradanileigh]

People you both know assume he can't feel upset.

How would you feel if someone told you: "for a girl you are pretty mentally healthy"? Better yet, what if someone told another woman that in front of you? Same thing.

Well one of the reasons I decided to move forward was due to the fact that he TOLD me not to wait for him to get his act together. One would assume that he wouldnt be all that upset if it was at his own prompting. So what I was doing wasnt out of spite, but more at his own recommendation and also hoping that maybe hed come around if I wasnt there and actually start to miss me.

 

[Maelstrom]

People you both know assume he can't feel upset.

How would you feel if someone told you: "for a girl you are pretty mentally healthy"? Better yet, what if someone told another woman that in front of you? Same thing.

Ylva ,I don't get offended if someone tells me I am good on the AS stuff....I just take it as compliment for all the effort I put into being a nice person. I feel that me trying to be nice and thoughtful is what they really see and like. And everything does get all tangled up like a plate of spaghetti on this autism people stuff, it can be very hard to sort selfishness from OCD, and autism issues sometimes.

This is why I say autism is not a excuse for not being nice, yes we miss social clue things, and have shutdowns, and some have even worse meltdowns, but at the end of the day there is a moral obligation to try to make up for any accidental damage with acts of love, friendship, and thoughtfulness, if we can.
If we give into the temptation to write off any hurtful thoughtless things we do as AS then the whole relations thing will slowly slide into Hell.

Basically keep trying to be nice, and try to be kind enough, and loving enough, to make up for any damage to others.

Really what other option do we the world is never going to really understand us, the best we can hope for is to earn some mercy and tolerance, by going the extra mile on friendship and love.

Best wishes Mael....I hope life is treating you well in Norway

 

[Ylva]

I don't get offended if someone tells me I am good on the AS stuff....I just take it as compliment for all the effort I put into being a nice person. I feel that me trying to be nice and thoughtful is what they really see and like.

A true compliment would sound like "you are good at x", not like "you are good at x for an aspie". No one is saying to not be nice, but it goes both ways. You can't just be neurotypical no matter how nice someone thinks it would be.

Auroradanileigh, I just thought it needed to be pointed out.