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Asbergers or just not into me or both ?

Auroradanileigh

Active Member
I've been off and on with a guy who has Asbergers undiagnosed for about a year. I am NT. It's been quite difficult to even date because while he obsessively messages me daily to tell me how amazing and beautiful I am and how badly he wants to be with me again, (we've been intimate in the past) he refuses to make plans with me and hides in his room all day marathoning tv shows.

He doesn't lie to me when I ask. There are no other women I'm competing with. I don't know what imcompeting with honestly. And while it hurts he always tells me the truth. The truth is that he wants to be with me but also does not and he's incredibly confused about what he wants. I wonder if it's a case of both asbergers and him not being that into me (but he has had this issue with the last girl - who I was good friends with - she was confused also and then after she left he obsessively stalked her social media for a good year and a half. He already stalks mine. He's been single since I've known him. But I know he wants to be with someone because he is quite lonely. He just has difficulty socializing and maintaining any romantic relationship.

I want to be his friend but also want to be with him. I don't know how to broach this with him at this point because I feel like nothing is changing and I keep getting hurt. I'm writing this because I'm about to walk away from him as a friend and love interest and just be with someone else.

I guess im wondering if this is even worth fighting for anymore? And do men with asbergers even give a toss if a woman they care for leaves them finally?

Is this a case of asbergers and he's not that into me? I don't understand that because he obsessively contacts me daily (have I become a routine?) and has told me what I mean to him and sends me explicit photos. What guy who wants to sleep with someone doesn't make plans?!? It's so confusing. And yes he definitely has asbergers.

If this has happened to anyone if like to hear how it worked out.

So confused and so tired
 
There are people who don't like to make plans because it takes energy and they are laaazy! I think the best thing you can do is be upfront, straight forward honest with him 1-1. If he cannot understand or if it's too much detail for him, or if you are afraid to confront him in-person, I would suggest a letter or e-mail so that he can linger and look over it longer. I've been with many NTs even who won't make plans except for what they want to make plans for if anything at all, so that I don't think is so uncommon unfortunately. I know it's disrespectful to our time and energy.

It's hard for us to say if he's in to you or not or changed his mind. Considering how lonely he's been, he might not be so picky about who he is with. He might also feel it's too much thinking and energy to change his routines even minorly, and only wants romance when he wants it last minute because it's easier for his temperament and asperger's. It seems being with this gentlemen means you have to choose this awkward life of affection and be specific with things that you don't realize you need to be specific about until you experience a lot of bumps. It is most likely he is faithful to you, but is not able to or does not want to change from what he does when he is alone.
What comes natural to you emotionally will not for many aspies.
Is this a temperament you think you could potentially be with for the rest of your life as a friend or a partner? Consider that.
Good luck.

Many aspies are very rigid like this, but not all. Each person is different.
 
I think that you might ask yourself how do you picture a relationship with this man playing out, over time? Do you see him becoming gradually more outgoing, willing to leave his routines behind for more time with you? Or do you think that things will go on just as they are? Just a thought.
 
Thank you these are both very good answers.
paloftoon, I have been forthcoming with him and very direct when he does something that upsets me. What I have found is that he can pick up on my emotional state remotely. when I am a bit angry by his actions, I am calm and state hey that is not ok please do not do that again,and he will not. But if I get incredibly upset I typically dont say anything I just cut the conversation short because I cant engage without crying and dont even trust myself to say the right words to him to convey how badly hes hurt me. When this happens, he knows and shuts down and I wont hear from him for days sometimes weeks, because he knows hes hurt me deeply again.

Sometimes I wonder if it is avoidance, him not caring or his AS kicking in where he has a shutdown out of shame and guilt. I really have no clue.
 
More likely avoidance ( to avoid more painful interaction) and his AS as well. The shutdown can come for shame and guilt, and its best to let him come around in his own time if that's the case. The question is, can you deal with this long term or do you want more from a relationship?

My husband and I are Aspie, and we can spend hours at opposite ends of the house doing our own things. Then we have this big reunion and talk each others ears off. :cool: This works because we both need that down time and it makes it easier to respect each others needs.
 
Thank you garnetflower13 that does make sense. Typically when he feels like enough time has passed and I have "cooled off" he comes back and will message me. Admittedly I get a better reaction when I tell him very bluntly things that upset me instead of holding it in. He just doesn't seem to know what to do or how to handle it when he's hurt me deeply. do I think that I can endure this at this level forever ? No because I want a relationship where I actually see the person and am intimate with them. Something he's fully capable of. But it's not sustainable . We spent a week together last year and it was amazing and we were so happy but once feelings started coming for him he freaked out and didn't even know what to do!

typically when a guy isn't interested in me he goes away or pulls a slow fade. And that's the end of it. They certainly don't message me everyday professing affection and love and saying how wonderful I am only to shut me out physically and not even see me.

I don't know how to get him to want to see me. I feel very unloved and like something is wrong with me that I'm so terrible to be around. But I know it's so far from the truth because I'm kind and loving and beautiful and have so much to offer. I am praying it changes soon. I can't take this feeling of rejection all the time is really starting to affect me.
 
. . . He just doesn't seem to know what to do or how to handle it when he's hurt me deeply.
You have to tell him explicitly. He probably should get it, but most likely does not understand. Even if it hurts, best to be forthright with him 1-1.

do I think that I can endure this at this level forever ? No because I want a relationship where I actually see the person and am intimate with them.
Based on this statement, I don't think you want something with this individual beyond casual or friendship unless your needs or expectations here change. It is most likely you have to initiate when to see the person and to ask him specifically for intimacy. Planning ahead and scheduling helps a lot. It may sound robotic and unromantic, but the romantic part is just entirely different. The scheduling thing for me personally and keeping to your schedule is a turn on for me because it shows diligence, trust, interest, and care about one's time and energy. Not saying that you are always in the moment or last minute because I don't know, but if you are, this is something strongly to consider. It's hard to break out of old habits good or bad. Any type of change- even for an NT. Is this a change you could adapt to if this is the case?


Something he's fully capable of. But it's not sustainable . We spent a week together last year and it was amazing and we were so happy but once feelings started coming for him he freaked out and didn't even know what to do!
It sounds like he gets overwhelmed too easily by what might be a small amount of information for most people, but not him to process. At least when it comes to emotions anyway. Feelings might be better expressed in typing/writing. Worth asking him directly if you're still going to try to make this work despite the above. For this to possibly work, you and him need to be able to somehow level off in this regard.


typically when a guy isn't interested in me he goes away or pulls a slow fade. And that's the end of it. They certainly don't message me everyday professing affection and love and saying how wonderful I am only to shut me out physically and not even see me.
Most likely, he actually loves you, but he might be scared to do anything physically. if you don't care how good he is in bed and you just like the effort, tell him that upfront. Ask him to try. It sounds like you've come to the point in your relationship where you need to take those next steps. Politely, but explicitly ask for these things if you have not already. If he won't try to make an effort after that, then it's time to move on.

I don't know how to get him to want to see me. I feel very unloved and like something is wrong with me that I'm so terrible to be around. But I know it's so far from the truth because I'm kind and loving and beautiful and have so much to offer. I am praying it changes soon. I can't take this feeling of rejection all the time is really starting to affect me.
The only thing that may need to change (or maybe not) that I can maybe see is if you're doing everything in the moment, not being explicit enough, and not planning things out. Most aspies like things planned out, like a routine or "temporary routine." You have to enjoy being a leader/master and directing him and continuing on this path of learning how to be explicit beyond what maybe many humans could not even imagine. It's a different kind of excitement as long as he follows through.

You sound like you still want to try, so if you haven't tried being explicit with all those things you say here, you need to do that with him 1-1. After that, if planning doesn't work out, or if you don't enjoy the thought of going through that process constantly, then it is time to move on. You could still consider casual, non-sexual flings if you and him are okay with that. Just discuss all the logistics beforehand in-person to minimize hurt, and be as open with each other as feasibly possible.
 
You have to tell him explicitly. He probably should get it, but most likely does not understand. Even if it hurts, best to be forthright with him 1-1.

paloftoon, I try to be explicit with him, but perhaps I am not direct enough..

Based on this statement, I don't think you want something with this individual beyond casual or friendship unless your needs or expectations here change. It is most likely you have to initiate when to see the person and to ask him specifically for intimacy. Planning ahead and scheduling helps a lot. It may sound robotic and unromantic, but the romantic part is just entirely different. The scheduling thing for me personally and keeping to your schedule is a turn on for me because it shows diligence, trust, interest, and care about one's time and energy. Not saying that you are always in the moment or last minute because I don't know, but if you are, this is something strongly to consider. It's hard to break out of old habits good or bad. Any type of change- even for an NT. Is this a change you could adapt to if this is the case?

paloftoon What is interesting is that our relationships started out as a close friendship, but transitioned into a very sexual one. I try to initiate contact and making plans yet he always says "bad timing" when it doesn't work out. its not bad timing its him not following through or him making other plans. He thinks about it though, because hell invite me somewhere and then reneg last minute. The few times he has invited me somewhere or asked my plans, he cancels on me! I told him how infuriating it was when he invited me somewhere and then canceled, and it was important to follow through and now he doesn't invite me anywhere. We had tentative plans for a few weeks from now and then he made other ones. I personally am a long term planner. I think that maybe he just doesn't want to be near me anymore honestly. This has been going on for months now. it makes me feel like used trash.

It sounds like he gets overwhelmed too easily by what might be a small amount of information for most people, but not him to process. At least when it comes to emotions anyway. Feelings might be better expressed in typing/writing. Worth asking him directly if you're still going to try to make this work despite the above. For this to possibly work, you and him need to be able to somehow level off in this regard.

paloftoon , I rarely get the chance to tell him any feelings in person since he wont see me. They are always relegated to text message or other social media messaging services. I try to be clear and not speak in terms he wont relate to. I try to avoid overwhelming him but the littlest things will set him off into shut down mode. a few weeks ago he was sending me incredibly explicit messages and when I responded he shut down for two weeks and said It was too intense for him...He was the one who initiated it!

Most likely, he actually loves you, but he might be scared to do anything physically. if you don't care how good he is in bed and you just like the effort, tell him that upfront. Ask him to try. It sounds like you've come to the point in your relationship where you need to take those next steps. Politely, but explicitly ask for these things if you have not already. If he won't try to make an effort after that, then it's time to move on.

paloftoon , He may love me, but I dont know if he realizes what love is at this point. We have been intimate, we have had tons of sex, marathon sex, amazing wonderful sex. This is a guy who historically loves sex. Hes all over dating websites and having these silly one night things, probably not as many as I make up in my head, but Im a female and I get jealous and know hes getting sex somewhere since its not from me. But now he wont be with me, which blows me mind because whenever had a problem attracting sexual attention or getting men to go out of their way to be with me. Im a catch to basically everyone else except him. He has already been there so I dont know why he would now be scared of me sexually. I told him I need more physical contact with him, specifically ,intimate contact and he replied that if we wind up seeing eachother great and if we wind up sleeping with eachother great otherwise he said maybe hed be ok being just friends. But I am not putting my life on hold for someone who wont even see me and "maybe" likes me "maybe" doesnt, "maybe hes too scared. It hurts too much. I cry about it nearly everyday now.


The only thing that may need to change (or maybe not) that I can maybe see is if you're doing everything in the moment, not being explicit enough, and not planning things out. Most aspies like things planned out, like a routine or "temporary routine." You have to enjoy being a leader/master and directing him and continuing on this path of learning how to be explicit beyond what maybe many humans could not even imagine. It's a different kind of excitement as long as he follows through.

I do try to plan way in advance but he never is available or never follows through.

You sound like you still want to try, so if you haven't tried being explicit with all those things you say here, you need to do that with him 1-1. After that, if planning doesn't work out, or if you don't enjoy the thought of going through that process constantly, then it is time to move on. You could still consider casual, non-sexual flings if you and him are okay with that. Just discuss all the logistics beforehand in-person to minimize hurt, and be as open with each other as feasibly possible.

paloftoon , unless I see some indication that he 1. loves me 2. will actually make plans to see me then Im probably not going to try much longer. Unfortunately, I am not interested casual non sexual flings because to me that is not really a fling, thats a friendship and that wont meet my relationship needs. I can go back to friendzoning him, but to waste my life and cast my needs aside to be someones text girlfriend and nothing more would devastate me and depress me beyond belief. Hes chipped away at my self esteem and self worth over this past year where I feel so broken and unloveable. I have given this a deadline and it rapidly approaches. Id rather spend time alone at this point because technically I feel alone anyway since he wont see me.

I will however take your advice for the next couple of weeks and when I hit my deadline, I will have to let him go permanently. I will update you if it makes a difference or helps him relate better.

thank you so much
 
paloftoon , unless I see some indication that he 1. loves me 2. will actually make plans to see me then Im probably not going to try much longer. Unfortunately, I am not interested casual non sexual flings because to me that is not really a fling, thats a friendship and that wont meet my relationship needs. I can go back to friendzoning him, but to waste my life and cast my needs aside to be someones text girlfriend and nothing more would devastate me and depress me beyond belief. Hes chipped away at my self esteem and self worth over this past year where I feel so broken and unloveable. I have given this a deadline and it rapidly approaches. Id rather spend time alone at this point because technically I feel alone anyway since he wont see me.
. . .

thank you so much

You are definitely on the right track now. The deadline idea is a great idea. You have a plan, and a schedule. If it doesn't work out at this point, you're ready to move on. (thumbs up)
 
He may not only be on the spectrum, but he may also have executive function disorder that is comorbid to his ASD. Perhaps an exotic guess on my part, but it just seems very odd to me that he cannot fundamentally make such plans that can so easily impact a relationship.

Does he seem to lack executive functioning in general, in your opinion? Does he have issues in the following areas?

  • Manage time
  • Pay attention
  • Switch focus
  • Plan and organize
  • Remember details
  • Avoid saying or doing the wrong thing
  • Do things based on your experience

 
He may not only be on the spectrum, but he may also have executive function disorder that is comorbid to his ASD. Perhaps an exotic guess on my part, but it just seems very odd to me that he cannot fundamentally make such plans that can so easily impact a relationship.

Does he seem to lack executive functioning in general, in your opinion? Does he have issues in the following areas?

  • Manage time
  • Pay attention
  • Switch focus
  • Plan and organize
  • Remember details
  • Avoid saying or doing the wrong thing
  • Do things based on your experience
Interesting , I have never even heard of this disorder. He absolutely exhibits traits above. He will do things based on his experience and previous interactions with me , and he always avoids doing or saying the wrong thing. The rest he seems ok but I do not have access to him many of the times he would be making these decisions .

In general he makes plans with his small group of friends or I suspect one night stands he meets on dating websites. (That's based on how I remember him when we were just friends years ago. I'm sure not much has changed) For the rest of us, he'll see us when he sees us. He's basically the worst friend ever and the worst dater. I'm surprised he actually has friends by then again many of his friends are questionable and a bit off as well from both my observation and several other sources confirming.

What's strange to me is that the few dates he has been on (that I can see) he never follows up and then gets upset when he sees these same girls in a relationship. He's never once taken me on a date. Yet also absolutely refuses to let me go. So when it comes to decisions he makes none in the romantic sense , ever. He's always stuck in limbo. It took him two years to finally stop online stalking the last girl he was into even though they haven't even seen eachother or really spoken in over a year. He basically did the same thing to her. Over the course of a year they only saw eachother a handful of times , he was sleeping with other women but was obsessed with her but never made any effort or a decision. He and I are much closer and have a much closer bind than they did so I can only imagine what I will go through when I walk away.
 
For me, its the relationship part that is extremely tiring. The whole trying not to say the wrong thing and remembering things. I have the executive functioning issues as well. But I have a very understanding wife and while we still have our minor fights and disagreements, and then end of the day we still care for each other. It takes a very self sufficient women to be in a relationship with someone on the spectrum as there are some traits that can never be changed, only managed and lived with. My wife had a few sessions with the therapist that diagnosed me, so she understood that many things about me that she cannot change and trying would only make the situation worse for both of us. That to connect with me by trying to enjoy what I enjoy and to allow me my down time after anything that was socialy overwhelming. Going to a busy and loud store is overwhelming for me. There are many books on relationships with someone on the spectrum that are geared toward the NT person in the relationship. I highly recommend reading one or two if you really want to try to get that connection with him and persue the relationship. Good luck with which ever way you decide to go. Mike
 
Thank you , it's nice to hear from a different perspective. My confusion lies in wondering if when he does these things it's AS or if he just doesn't want to be with me. The executive functioning part perhaps hinders his ability to make the plans. I'm not sure what is and is not tiring for him. He certainly goes out with his friends but does not go out with me. It's hard to tell where the line is sometimes. I think If there were certain behaviors I knew were due in fact to AS I could certainly learn to deal with them and accept them. He says one thing yet does another.

For me, if a guy doesn't care , he goes away and doesn't contact me unless it's like 2am for a booty call. This one says he cares and messages me consistently every day or every other day first thing when he wakes up until he goes to bed sometimes . He flirts with me and makes sexual innuendos but I've been trying to ignore them since I know he'll never make plans with me. He told me he was confused and didn't know what he wanted and not to wait for him to make up his mind. But he also won't let me go. My options are cut him off, friendzone him and ignore the flirting, or stay and hope he one day can man up and make a real effort to be with me. I know if I walk away it'll hurt him, but all other options hurt me.

I'll read up on how to remedy this issue. Perhaps
 
If he is anything like I am, the day he will "man up" will probably never happen. Took my wife persuing me more agressively once we were together, I finaly got tired of it and her parents complaning about living together and not being married to ask her to marry me. This was long before I was diagnosed. For him to better deal with his issues, he needs to want to get diagnosed or atleast see a therapist, of which many can do the diagnosis. This is how mine came about, we were seaking help for our marriage, which was on the rocks at that time. She was enabling my violent meltdowns and I did not have the proper coping skills to understand and deal with my emotions. To this day, even with coping skills, anything that deals with socializing, relationships ect, its extremely tiring and mental overloading for me. I am just able to know when to cut it off and go to another room for down time, and she knows that I am not "running away" and to not keep pushing the issue at that time. I dislike being held or hugged, after intimate time, I want to be alone and away from people, no cuddle like she wishes I could. She has had to accept that this is who I am and that it will never change. You need to read books on being in a relationship with someone that has Asperger's, its ups and downs and what sacrifices you as someone who is NT will have to make. Only then can you really make an informed decision whether to persue him to see what his true intentions are.
 
Interesting , I have never even heard of this disorder. He absolutely exhibits traits above. He will do things based on his experience and previous interactions with me , and he always avoids doing or saying the wrong thing. The rest he seems ok but I do not have access to him many of the times he would be making these decisions .

In general he makes plans with his small group of friends or I suspect one night stands he meets on dating websites. (That's based on how I remember him when we were just friends years ago. I'm sure not much has changed) For the rest of us, he'll see us when he sees us. He's basically the worst friend ever and the worst dater. I'm surprised he actually has friends by then again many of his friends are questionable and a bit off as well from both my observation and several other sources confirming.

What's strange to me is that the few dates he has been on (that I can see) he never follows up and then gets upset when he sees these same girls in a relationship. He's never once taken me on a date. Yet also absolutely refuses to let me go. So when it comes to decisions he makes none in the romantic sense , ever. He's always stuck in limbo. It took him two years to finally stop online stalking the last girl he was into even though they haven't even seen each other or really spoken in over a year. He basically did the same thing to her. Over the course of a year they only saw each other a handful of times , he was sleeping with other women but was obsessed with her but never made any effort or a decision. He and I are much closer and have a much closer bind than they did so I can only imagine what I will go through when I walk away.

I just can't imagine someone expressing their emotional and sexual desires for another yet be unable to "seal the deal" unless they have some pronounced deficit in executive functioning. Something beyond autism concerns alone and into the realm of a comorbid condition such as this.
 
If he is anything like I am, the day he will "man up" will probably never happen. Took my wife persuing me more agressively once we were together, I finaly got tired of it and her parents complaning about living together and not being married to ask her to marry me. This was long before I was diagnosed. For him to better deal with his issues, he needs to want to get diagnosed or atleast see a therapist, of which many can do the diagnosis. This is how mine came about, we were seaking help for our marriage, which was on the rocks at that time. She was enabling my violent meltdowns and I did not have the proper coping skills to understand and deal with my emotions. To this day, even with coping skills, anything that deals with socializing, relationships ect, its extremely tiring and mental overloading for me. I am just able to know when to cut it off and go to another room for down time, and she knows that I am not "running away" and to not keep pushing the issue at that time. I dislike being held or hugged, after intimate time, I want to be alone and away from people, no cuddle like she wishes I could. She has had to accept that this is who I am and that it will never change. You need to read books on being in a relationship with someone that has Asperger's, its ups and downs and what sacrifices you as someone who is NT will have to make. Only then can you really make an informed decision whether to persue him to see what his true intentions are.


I agree I need more information to make an informed decision
 
I just can't imagine someone expressing their emotional and sexual desires for another yet be unable to "seal the deal" unless they have some pronounced deficit in executive functioning. Something beyond autism concerns alone and into the realm of a comorbid condition such as this.

Well last night he finally spilled the beans and told me he loved me and attempted to see me. However I had other plans and wasn't about to break them. So perhaps things are coming along. However I do agree that something else may be at play here.
 
Well last night he finally spilled the beans and told me he loved me and attempted to see me. However I had other plans and wasn't about to break them. So perhaps things are coming along. However I do agree that something else may be at play here.

Yeah. I think this goes beyond autism considerations alone. He may have real issues with executive thinking that impairs his social life and perhaps other aspects of his life that keeps him somewhat isolated, even when he does reach out to others.

Though IMO part of autism is a very complex combination of wanting to be around people, and being repelled by them. And sometimes within the same time frame. It makes no sense, but then human behavior regardless of neurological considerations isn't exactly the flower of logic either.
 
I guess im wondering if this is even worth fighting for anymore? And do men with aspergers even give a toss if a woman they care for leaves them finally?

Is this a case of aspergers and he's not that into me? I don't understand that because he obsessively contacts me daily (have I become a routine?) and has told me what I mean to him and sends me explicit photos. What guy who wants to sleep with someone doesn't make plans?!? It's so confusing

Sometimes I wonder if it is avoidance, him not caring or his AS kicking in where he has a shutdown out of shame and guilt. I really have no clue.

Well, aspie guys do care, they just hide it extremely well. I think what Judge said about executive functioning holds true; just making plans costs a lot of energy. I have to do it in intervals. Spoon theory explains it pretty well.

But besides being aspie he is also a guy, and most guys are just too used to getting away with doing zero emotional labor and still feeling entitled to attention. Aspieness can contribute, of course, but given that aspie women can do emotional labor, the men have no excuse. You did the right thing in not cancelling your plans, in my opinion; however, if he really has trouble making far-ahead plans (you have no idea how long three days can feel for an anxious person), you might have to find some sort of compromise where you make plans for the same day or agree to always be spontaneous, or maybe where you are the one initiating.

If he won't do anything but marathon Netflix, has he asked you to marathon with him?
 

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