AS Syndrome has ruined my life

[Slithytoves]

I'm coming late to this conversation, but I can tell you that you've been given great feedback from some of AC's best. I'm glad their counsel seems to have settled you down a little. It's good that you came here. Welcome! We can help with support, at least. I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated right now.

I'm 45, and I just found out I had Asperger's this year. I've had decades to adapt problematic traits and I've come a long way. Had I discovered my AS back when I was really struggling, I would have directed a lot of anger, even loathing, at that label. For that, I'm glad I didn't find out until much later.

Try to remember this as you work through your problems. Asperger's itself is neutral. It doesn't hate you, it doesn't thwart you deliberately, and it comes with gifts as well as liabilities. Unpacking your Asperger's and learning what advantages it gives you will help you feel a little better about the troubles it causes. And think about this: You do have the benefit of knowing you have it, which will help you understand yourself/find solutions if you embrace it and study up. Once you start to get better command of yourself, you may find that in many ways our NT friends will envy you. Some of my NT friends and family admire things in me that I can absolutely trace back to my AS.

While I'm being all sunshine and rainbows, here's a list of Asperger's Advantages to reflect on. Like everything in life, the attitude you choose will affect your progress, so it might as well be a good one.

You're obviously pretty smart because you knew to reach out to people who get it. So you do have a solid foundation to make a great life for yourself, whether you see it right now or not.

 

[Beverly]

I too did not have a name for my group of difficulties until I was older and, I am glad of that. had I been diagnosed at a young age, I would have raged and likely have became depressed, even suicidal over it.

Because I assumed that I was simply uneducated and, had not paid enough attention to learn the things I struggled with, especially socially, I was convinced that I could learn and, could stop having those problem. While it did not work entirely, to a great extent it did work.

When I froze on stage my junior year of high school, as the lead in a play. I didn't attribute it to Aspergers or, social anxiety - it was good old fashioned, run of the mill stage fright and, cursed myself for being an idiot about being on stage. I immediately found books that would teach me how to overcome stage fright.

The secret was to focus on something on stage, preferably neat the front of the stage so that I would appear to be looking at the audience when in fact I was ignoring them entirely. That sounds easy, but it take a lot of practice to master that technique. Still it is the same thing Aspieistj posted about earlier in this thread.

A lack of skills and knowledge did not cause my stage fright, misdirected focus did. I was focusing on whether the audience could hear me, if they would believe I was the character I was supposed to be or not, if they would all be able to hear me clearly, etc... Had I simply focused on an object on the stage and did what I knew I could do, everything would have been fine.

It is the same for me when it comes to being a perfect host, or a perfect party or ceremony guest, or even the perfect PR person. I know what to say and do but, if I allow my mind to focus on the possible reactions and opinions of others, I cannot do it. If I stay focused on myself, on being poised and appearing confident, I can do it flawlessly.

That is the core of the facade, the act that can allow me to pass for NT, I have to consciously remind myself of where to put my focus and, consciously block or stop thoughts that would cause me to fail but, once that is done, I do know what to do and how to interact, perform, give a speech or, whatever the situation might require me to do.

Its as if you were given a page filled with simple math problems that you could solve with barely a thought but, you were told to solve them while the ceiling over your head was on fire. There is no way you would get 100% correct answers legibly written on that piece of paper with you mind and body in near or full panic mode. Yet if you could slide a shield that you could not see the flames through between yourself and the ceiling, you would solve every math problem perfectly. Only in the real world you do not have a physical shield you can use so, you have to use what you do have to create the same effect in your mind.

That might be your shoes, a light in the room, a speck of dirt on a wall, the rose on a table, the light switch, anything you can focus on to prevent you thinking about all of the possible things that could go wrong and, might be construed as your fault or problem.

 

[nowwhat]

I feel for you. One thing I can promise you is that people here understand, and that we genuinely try to help and support each other. There isn't much of that to be found in our daily lives.

Sometimes it seems as though my life mainly consists of me ruining opportunites, relationships and every other good thing I'm fortunate enough to get a crack at. It seems the more I try, the worse I make things.

Yet, as I sit here drinking coffee, today is another day, welcome or not, and I must face it as best I can and try to give a good account of myself. Relax here. We get it.

 

[Progster]

Being 16 was a low point in my life too, but I did find that things got easier as I got older. I gradually learnt coping skills which allowed me to gain a bit of confidence. This in turn helped with my anxiety and depression, which in turn reduced some of the AS symptoms. AS is for life and it never goes away; you will face challenges throughout your life, but it does get better and easier to cope with, believe me. Don't despair!

 

[Suzanne]

You confirm to me that the older one gets diagnosed or realises, the better, unless you have an excellent support system going.

Like others, I am not going to offer you platitudes; but just say, that you could not have joined a better forum than this one, for hopefully, soon enough, you will see light at the end of the tunnel and see that you have hope.

 

[Elemental]

Reading through the responses here reinforces my gladness & gratitude at having found this site & it seems from your second posting that everyone's input helped to make you feel a little more level about your situation also & that's great

Whenever I hear someone talk about suicide, I feel compelled to say that logically, the best time to do this is when things are going great because things can only be less good from that point I'm not advocating this, I just think a fresh view can be useful sometimes.

I think that one key to stability is learning to accept & accommodate our autism; it was twenty years after my diagnosis before I acknowledged it, less still accommodated it & that was only two years ago. My inner & outer life were previously turmoil, with no support or knowledge / education about what my condition required to help me live more sanely.

So, I would suggest maybe finding out as much as possible about autism & how it is affecting you personally & how you might learn to manage it: from this site, from you-tube vids, online articles or maybe a library can even order in relevant books.

Learning about other people's autistic experience & recognizing similar aspects in ourselves & realizing that whilst this can feel like a lonely, isolated & solitudal existence, actually there are many people who struggle like we do sometimes, was good for me & maybe would be for you.

Also, having everyday access to our autism experience like we do makes us pretty expert about it; if this can be combined with some formalized training or study or just interest, then it might even be an area of work that would appeal?????

For the times that we need it, some type of sanctuary is essential imo, so I hope that you are able to work towards finding / establishing that for when you need it. That's very important I think; Good Luck