Are your relationships transactional or inspired?

[pamelaperejil]

I think people can come to believe they have to keep doing things (or NOT doing things) in order to earn others' love. That the affection/esteem/value others have for them depends solely on their own output, service, or productivity: how they perform, what they produce, how well they please, what they bring to the table. As opposed to the idea that they, simply by themselves, have an obvious and intrinsic value. That they are worthy of love and esteem for their own sake. That they don't have to "sweeten the deal" to make themselves more palatable to others.

"Performance" seems to be the male equivalent of the girl who wears racy clothes and lots of makeup. Puts out a little too easily. She's trying to sell herself to win male approval, but doing it in the wrong way. And attracting precisely the wrong kind of attention, the wrong kind of people.

When you act like that, the message you're sending (to yourself and to others) is that you believe yourself to have little value, on your own. And if that's what you demonstrate you believe about yourself, then of course others will come to believe it of you, and to treat you accordingly.

I (we?) may also be oversimplifying this. Without meaning to sound cynical, aren't all relationships, at their core, a question of self interest or of transaction? If there's compatibility, all that really means is that two people are getting what they need from another person while offering something of value that that person is willing to accept in exchange.

If one or the other decides that what is on offer (physical attractiveness, conversation, sex, companionship, insight, validation, sympathy, attention, character) isn't enough to compensate them for what they're giving... or if the other person's foibles/vices are aggravating enough to sour an otherwise sweet deal, then there will be problems. If those are serious enough or go unresolved for long enough, then the relationship may weaken or even dissolve.

So it may not be entirely accurate to say that people should love you for who you are, and not for what you do for them.

Which of these quotes applies to your romantic relationships? If the last, then doesn't that make you a kind of prostitute or mercenary? If the first, then why do you suppose relationships fail? Because people change? Or because they fail to change? And if that's so, if there's something missing that's a "deal breaker" then doesn't that mean the relationship was transactional all along?

Which of the two points of view applies to your friendships? Which to your relationships with family? Which to your relationship with your employer? Do accept people wholly for who they are, or does the relationship come with strings and conditions attached?

 

[Bolletje]

I think all relationships are inherently transactional. I’ll respond more in-depth later, but I’m currently at work. My relationship with my boss requires me to be outwardly productive in exchange for his ongoing approval

 

[Judge]

Interesting question.

I have to agree with Bolletje on this. In fact it reminded me of a quote from one of my political science professors long ago. She said, "All human relationships are inherently political in nature."

That human interactions constitute manifestations of compromise of one kind or another. A premise that inevitably permeates all social interactions.

"Quid Pro Quo" - A favor or advantage granted or expected in return for something. The foundation of diplomacy itself. That we "go along to get along"- all in our own self interest.

 

[Gritches]

It seems like an inescapable truth that we can all agree on to say that relationships are inherently transactional.

But I certainly don't like to think of my relationships as some banal bartering of tit-for-tat.

It would be a mistake to think you know the entirety of what you contribute to a relationship. You'd also be overestimating your insight if you thought you understood every last bit of what you got out of the same.

These things can't be accurately measured. Only roughly felt. It's when you start asking "what's the score?" that relationships start turning sour.

Ungh, feelings.

 

[Judge]

It seems like an inescapable truth that we can all agree on to say that relationships are inherently transactional.

But I certainly don't like to think of my relationships as some banal bartering of tit-for-tat.

Agreed, there's no reason to assume we are all looking for exactly the same things in any social interactions. Only that we seek something...whatever it may be to the individuals in question.

 

[pamelaperejil]

I've been wondering about this concept of a friend who "accepts you how you are". (There was a really good Youtube about it from Asperger's from the Inside... but I can't find it now). The idea that most social interaction involves putting on a mask or playing a role in exchange for approval (social skills), and how Aspies learn to view themselves as fundamentally damaged/unloveable because they're always being expected to change who they are or at least pretend to be different than they are in order to be accepted. That's it's important for Aspies to be liked for themselves, to have friends who accept them uncritically.

I just lost a friend (Aspie friend) for being too honest when what he wanted was sympathy and validation.

I'm not sure who failed who, or if it was just a mismatch of needs. I needed to be sincere and he needed to be accepted uncritically for who he was. For me, friends (especially intelligent friends) are very hard to come by, and I'm feeling the loss. I can't help but kick myself that I didn't put on enough of an act. Perhaps another way of saying that was that I was too focused on my own needs and not aware enough of his? Not mindful of the need to compromise. Or perhaps it's the other way around, and he didn't give me enough credit for trying to help/needing for there to be no barriers or things left unspoken between us.

My friends are few and far between, and frequently it ends because of something like this... both parties trying their best to compromise but still not finding a middle ground where both people are getting their needs met. But then, I've been reemed before for being too mercenary in my relationships, not showing enough reciprocity, so...????

I don't know. In these transactions, am I just asking for more than I can get? Undervaluing what's on offer? Not seeing the big picture? I'm really kind of paranoid about this.