Are the safe choices bad?

[Gomendosi]

I often complain how bad life is... but these chains are of my own making, I make choices to protect myself, to continue feeling good, to prolong my happiness, and these things, (I think) I do them to fit in with my being Aspergical.
These same choices are each weighted and it seems the safer the choice the heavier the weight in the long run!

Do you do things to be safe in the now, that end up being harmful to your development in the end?

 

[Mitch]

Absolutely!
But mostly because there are only small wins to gain when I would choose to do these things and there are greater things to loose when it goes wrong. At least it is from my point of view. So I end up choosing the safe less harmful way. I don't need small gains if I risk a change of making a mistake that will harm me more. Does this make sense?

 

[Aalo]

I don't really believe in comparisons like "good life vs. easy life" or anything like that.
Of course if one really hopes for something certain, not reaching to that can be seen as invidious. If it won't seem like such at the time, It'll feel that later on assuming that one still hopes for that certain issue. That in mind it would always be the best to fully execute every plan. But as there're no way to assure that one ever would be happy with outcome anyway nor reliable quantity to measure effects of these actions to environment or even to personal gains, I'd say it's irrelevant what we really do. Also at now and perspective for further on. But maybe it's important to do something and believe in something for the sake of own sanity. As life still should be meaningful at some rate.

 

[Firnafth]

It's possible that had I done things differently in the past, I'd be in a better place now. People often make short-sighted choices, and I am no exception.

But I don't worry about it. When I make a choice, I do so based on the information I have at my disposal and weigh the pros and cons. Sometimes I make the wrong decision and I know it in the future. Then I watch carefully to not make that mistake again. But I really don't think I can fault myself for the choices I make because I do what I feel is best at the time. I don't have the ability to look into the future and see how destructive that choice could be.

 

[Tarragon]

Oh boy. How I have made wrong decisions in the past......!!!!!!!!

If I could do one good thing for every aspie, it would be to make sure they never have to go through life not knowing about their condition. If I'd have known about this early on, I would at least have had a fighting chance of not making deductions short term which lead to awful consequences.

The same probably could be said for everyone looking back with hindsight, but its even worse to know that undiagnosed aspies have the potential to make wrong turns so much more.

Or maybe it is just me!!!

We can all make mistakes, but knowledge can at least reduce the chance and severity of these mistakes hopefully.

 

[Vanilla]

If life is a risk, then surely being too safe is only half-living. I used to do things to be safe, but I've learned that there's such a thing as being too cautious.

 

[Kuribo]

With me, it's not so much an active choice, but a subconscious one to make my current situation as "safe" and comfortable as possible, usually by avoiding risks and the unknown. Many of the bad things in my life are beyond my control, but I've recently come to realise that others are exclusively a result of these small decisions, and that they have made many of the things beyond my control even worse.

In order to live a fulfilling life, taking risks is necessary. I'm taking small steps to fix the mistakes I've made and prevent them from happening again.

 

[King_Oni]

I guess it depends on what you see as "safe" to some extent. I guess for me there's a part of "sane" as well that might make it look like I'm going the "safe" route.

Currently I'm trying to live a life where I'm trying to not only minimize risk, but minimize damage. Some might see this as "safe" but I don't think anyone in their right mind would choose to start any activities that will harm them for sure... unless of course, that is your thing.

Obviously it took me quite a while to realize that what I was doing did more harm than good and by that time it was already long past due.

Because of this I tend to be a bit more critical before I get myself into certain situations. I don't feel I should be digging a deeper hole for myself.. nor should I help others while they're digging that hole for me.

 

[Vanilla]

I guess it depends on what you see as "safe" to some extent. I guess for me there's a part of "sane" as well that might make it look like I'm going the "safe" route.

Currently I'm trying to live a life where I'm trying to not only minimize risk, but minimize damage. Some might see this as "safe" but I don't think anyone in their right mind would choose to start any activities that will harm them for sure... unless of course, that is your thing.

Obviously it took me quite a while to realize that what I was doing did more harm than good and by that time it was already long past due.

Because of this I tend to be a bit more critical before I get myself into certain situations. I don't feel I should be digging a deeper hole for myself.. nor should I help others while they're digging that hole for me.

So true. It's definitely something that requires weighing in. If you feel the outcome of a failed attempt is too severe, and out ways the chance of success, then it's not ideal. If you want success enough, and are willing to risk failure, then it's the risk is a bit more worthy.

I myself am taking a huge risk just by studying. There's no guarantee I'll get a job afterwards, and I will end up with a huge debt, whether I'm successful or not, but I love what I'm doing too much not to take that risk. It all depends on how important it is for you. I think the question everyone should ask is, can I live without what I want, and can I live with the consequences.

 

[King_Oni]

So true. It's definitely something that requires weighing in. If you feel the outcome of a failed attempt is too severe, and out ways the chance of success, then it's not ideal. If you want success enough, and are willing to risk failure, then it's the risk is a bit more worthy.

I myself am taking a huge risk just by studying. There's no guarantee I'll get a job afterwards, and I will end up with a huge debt, whether I'm successful or not, but I love what I'm doing too much not to take that risk. It all depends on how important it is for you. I think the question everyone should ask is, can I live without what I want, and can I live with the consequences.

Oh, I totally agree that if you want something bad enough it might be a risk worth taking.

For me personally though, studying/choosing a career wasn't something I cared for, it was something that people just do at some point. So wanting it wasn't my motivation (I guess, not wanting it was more of a motivation then). In a sense I guess I felt it was forced upon me... that's not the best motivation (for anything in life I guess). Though that might be a totally different discussion alltogether.

I know that if I want something enough I will take a risk eventually. And I guess the consequences of some risks, meh... I can put it in perspective and deal with it. I mean, I once took out a loan at the bank to acquire some instruments I needed for live gigs when I was in a band. Did it pay off? Nope.. but it was well worth a try. For me it came down to the entire thing of "it's just money"... and if it's within reason to pay off a loan I have no issues with such risks.

On the other hand, no job and perhaps a debt probably relates to financial and materialistic things a lot. Try putting it in a perspective where it's not the materialistic aspect that's the problem, but the final assessment on damage is heavily impacting your mental health (and I'm not even talking about excessive worrying because of bad future perspectives... imagine ending up with PTSD or something along those lines). Don't think you can put a pricetag on that... though that's another form of damage coming from taking risks. It's also one of the few things many people overlook.

 

[tree]

When I think of a "safe choice" it's not one that damages me.

A safe choice for me is often a food choice: deciding to go with
what I know won't hurt me by messing up my blood sugar, rather
than try something that *sounds good* but doesn't have a proven
track record.

 

[hiraeth]

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” - Tony Robbins

I've come to find this to be the case in all major "life choices" I've faced: that there is actually only one decision to make - whether to honour myself and my own truth or not. The most stubborn states of confusion usually stems from lack of self-understanding that is relevant to the situation (more so than lack of information about the decision paths itself). Most of the time when I have a clear awareness of what is true for me - my life path, interests, strengths and weaknesses, values, .... etc - which specific way to go at the fork in the road is very obvious. Occasionally I will find that either direction honours myself equally well - but that tends to be quite rare.

For a long time I held back from doing anything new because "stability" and "risk-aversion" were my values; it was where I was at during that period of self-development, and its importance towered over everything else that I felt was important. I realised that I sincerely disliked this about myself, that it stemmed from childhood trauma which I was sick of having continued influence over me, so I resolved to change it - and did. The part of me that always held back was just the surface - something else was there which ran much deeper, and refused to be destroyed over many years - it was only waiting in hiding for me to be out of immediate danger and ready to acknowledge it.

Before having that realisation I was constantly confused and mad at myself over having self-contradictory behaviours. Wanting to do something new, talking about it all the time, getting so excited over it; only to never ever do it, and not knowing why it kept happening.

Some people are naturally risk-averse - nothing wrong with it, if it's your truth it can be empowering to recognise it and own it - but it wasn't mine.

 

[Sab]

I also get that worry sometimes. I think that it's really important to know respect your limits and to listen to yourself. I've found that sometimes it's been good to push myself and that good things have come from that but I've also drained myself a lot by pushing myself at the wrong moments. What I try to do is ask myself how I might feel after making a certain decision. If something feels hard, am I going to feel better choosing what feels comfortable (this is often the case if I'm feeling tired, or low energy or have poor mental health) or do I feel like it's a good moment to challenge myself (what could be possible positive outcomes of deciding to take the risk?). I think it's really good and wise to know that there are risks to things and to evaluate those. I also know from personal experience that sometimes it's just not a right time to challenge myself because of the effect that it may have on my health. But that other times challenging myself or trying something new can be really really rewarding and energizing. This may not be super helpful but yeah, I guess my advice would be to listen to yourself, to your body and to keep track of your energy levels.

 

[Theta.G]

I often complain how bad life is... but these chains are of my own making, I make choices to protect myself, to continue feeling good, to prolong my happiness, and these things, (I think) I do them to fit in with my being Aspergical.
These same choices are each weighted and it seems the safer the choice the heavier the weight in the long run!

Do you do things to be safe in the now, that end up being harmful to your development in the end?

Yea some things. This is very broad.

Development usually involves risk taking and diving into the unknown / facing perceived (or actual) dangerous challenges.

What we think is safe usually isn't so much. There will be a dangerous side to it. There are so many angles to "safe" things that at some point it just becomes completely convoluted. There's good and bad in everything and you cannot hold enough information in your pre frontal cortex to consciously map every single aspect of the "things" interactions with other things.

I guess in the end the things that make us feel safe are just the things that make us comfortable. Yes, they are safe in some situations but dangerous in others.

Spoiler

You could have a grenade locked up in your basement in a 4 inch thick steel safe. which is a very good mob deterrent and a safe choice for property defense. Yet one day you have a psychotic break and blow yourself up along with anyone else in the house with that same grenade. Or you have a curious kid who gets ahold of it and and rips out the pin thinking it's a toy. Or perhaps your impulsive and emotionally immature gf opens it up, rips the pin and throws it at you.

Certain drugs and alcohol use have many benefits and drawbacks. Sobriety has many benefits and drawbacks. At the end of the day they're fairly balanced. One does not get health simply by quitting either of those things unless they have a core belief that they will / placebo. When it comes to this people (too often) use their own anecdotal evidence as fact and can't see why (sobriety) would be good or why (drinking or x drug) is good.

 

[dragstone]

Do you do things to be safe in the now, that end up being harmful to your development in the end?

Yes, I have. It resulted in harm to my well-being and long-term career prospects. To take necessary risks is to grow. That being said, I still find myself taking the "safe" route in some aspects of my life. I'm not sure that I will ever be living life to the fullest in comparison to some others. That is due to a combination of choice, temperament, anxieties, and finances.