Apologies

[Au Naturel]

I'm not good at the social game. I am far from perfect. I am not everyone's cup of tea. Sometimes I feel like the proverbial bull in a china shop. The curse of Asperger's.

If I were to be sorry for everything I do wrong, every mistake, every time I did something that wasn't socially correct, I wouldn't have time for anything else. If I lived in fear of doing things that could "possibly" offend, I would be doing very little. I would go into hiding and go on a self-hate binge.

Serious apologies are for my own shortcomings as a human. When I blew it thru greed or anger or fear or lust. Lesser apologies are for my unintentional "oops" or annoying habits I may have. I will not apologize for my existence or the things that make me who I am or my claim on the same share of life as everyone else. I run out of patience when my "mistake" was just another person's opinion of what I ought to have done.

I am quick to forgive and forget the little unintentional slights that happen and I would appreciate that from everyone else. A tiny bit of instruction or just blowing it off is always a better response than feeling insulted. But I'm not naive enough to think that will always happen. Sometimes the slights are intentional. I use the nature of an intentional slight as a measure of the character of the person doing the slighting. Little insults are just annoyances and some people throw those all the time at each other. Not useful to get tweaked over. If it is egregious enough, I cross them off the list of humans-I'm-willing-to-put-up-with.

Just-say-you’re-sorry-and-move-on is the perfect philosophy but many people, both NT and ND, won't let things go at that. Their loss.

 

[Sherlock77]

...
If I were to be sorry for everything I do wrong, every mistake, every time I did something that wasn't socially correct, I wouldn't have time for anything else. If I lived in fear of doing things that could "possibly" offend, I would be doing very little. I would go into hiding and go on a self-hate binge.
...
Just-say-you’re-sorry-and-move-on is the perfect philosophy but many people, both NT and ND, won't let things go at that. Their loss.

I know what you're saying, depending on the situation, most people (even Aspies) will have trouble doing that

Quite often the situation that happens erodes into the aspect of trust, and once trust is lost - between two people - it's very difficult to regain, not impossible but very difficult...

As the situation gets worked out it can strengthen the relationship (create growth)... It can also permanently strain a relationship, or break it entirely apart

 

[Suzanne]

Oh I do envy your ability to think that way!

I was a child, or perhaps 5, when I first found out that if pushed, I can cause damage. I cannot remember what the argument was about, but male birth parent, had accused me of something that was not my fault and decided to blank me out for an entire month. Can you imagine a 5 year old up against that? I must have blown and in my anger, I punched a wall and it caved in. In fairness though, it was easy to do, since they were flimsy walls to begin with, but hang on! A 5 year old being able to do that? Of course, I had to apologise etc, but subconsciously, I detected something wrong and if I did not keep it in check, I could cause damage. And from that moment on, I have never used violence, although mentally, very much so lol

I also spent my life knowing that I have upset someone and it was so far and between, but the impact was so huge, that I have lived my life, being frightened to talk, in case I say something wrong and yes, it is terribly tiring and makes me want to hide, thus feel great with the covid situation.

My husband, who is a nt, actually is always saying controvesial things, but he doesn't care at all.

Just yesterday, I felt offended and my brain went off on a tangent, but for once, I did talk with it to my husband and he did help me reason on it and I was able to contact the person and got my point across and that person apologised to me, wow, that is a first for me.

It is very hard to deal with a situation there and then, because I feel so inferior.

 

[Wolfsage]

Forgive and let live.
Far easier then carrying your anger around all the time.
In this I can speak from ample experience.

 

[SusanLR]

Sorry is not in my normal vocabulary.
Small slights, yes, it comes natural to say.
Like everyday little things such as bumping into me in the grocery store,
accidents that are slight. Some people yell and curse over the slightest things.
I see these people as people that live with hate. Waiting for the least little thing to
insult someone for. They are like the 10 year old bully thinking they can be mean and no one
will stand up to them.

I don't say I'm sorry because I don't say something I don't mean.
The angry, insulting, big mouth types that will lie and say you did something you didn't
just to try to make you angry and take any opportunity to verbally or mentally abuse have a
problem.
Why should I just take it and move on?
It only makes them think if they got away with it once, they can do it again to you or someone else.
If they can't talk in a sensible manner over what ever the incidence was or admit they were
wrong, instead try to twist the words around to make you feel inferior.
Nope.

I don't feel inferior and I will stand my ground.
When this type, that thinks they are so superior, keep repeat offending to people, grow in
thinking they are the nobody messes with me types, do as I say, and no one speaks back...
they just get worse.
The world becomes their doormat. And usually they are really insecure inside, but, the
offensive appearance makes them feel big.

That's why letting it go and just moving on doesn't cut it for me.
I was prone to sudden anger that could be expressed as hitting the wall or breaking something, too.
But, now that I am reliant on others for most everything. Don't think that would be too good,
so, I have let that go.

With people I know, I try to work things out. But, how many strikes are allowed before you
call them OUT!

 

[Thinx]

I think it can be extra difficult for some if, despite being an Aspie, they are in many ways in categories that tend to be privileged. Such as middle class, heterosexual, white, male, etc. Boys are often socialised to be definite and direct, to assert their opinions etc, I suppose when the theory of the extreme male brain was current as an explanation for autism (now gone quiet) that's partly what it meant.

I think privilege can be hard to see around, for us, and we think it's just who we are, we may not see a different way of doing things. That can be hard luck on others, as we aren't motivated to change autocratic, dominant, overly assertive or controlling behaviours which actually are changeable by efforts of self denial, pulling ourselves in a bit, not being so certain about everything, waiting to hear others ideas and views, and giving them airtime.

 

[simetra]

If I were to be sorry for everything I do wrong, every mistake, every time I did something that wasn't socially correct, I wouldn't have time for anything else. If I lived in fear of doing things that could "possibly" offend, I would be doing very little. I would go into hiding and go on a self-hate binge.

A sadly accurate description of so many autistic lives.

 

[Aspychata]

Yes. l left a party last nite. It was super crowded. I felt outside of my comfort zone. I lasted awhile. It was intense, the sounds and people. l felt l could hear every single conversation. So they needed some expertise in sound absorption or such. But l always have a choice of leaving. And l did. Only to get lost in the most confusing downtown for at least an hour. l am not good at the social game either. I don't feel like a failure, l just don't like crowds. But l have plenty of experience in dealing with crowds from various jobs.

 

[Streetwise]

I'm not good at the social game. I am far from perfect. I am not everyone's cup of tea. Sometimes I feel like the proverbial bull in a china shop. The curse of Asperger's.

If I were to be sorry for everything I do wrong, every mistake, every time I did something that wasn't socially correct, I wouldn't have time for anything else. If I lived in fear of doing things that could "possibly" offend, I would be doing very little. I would go into hiding and go on a self-hate binge.

Serious apologies are for my own shortcomings as a human. When I blew it thru greed or anger or fear or lust. Lesser apologies are for my unintentional "oops" or annoying habits I may have. I will not apologize for my existence or the things that make me who I am or my claim on the same share of life as everyone else. I run out of patience when my "mistake" was just another person's opinion of what I ought to have done.

I am quick to forgive and forget the little unintentional slights that happen and I would appreciate that from everyone else. A tiny bit of instruction or just blowing it off is always a better response than feeling insulted. But I'm not naive enough to think that will always happen. Sometimes the slights are intentional. I use the nature of an intentional slight as a measure of the character of the person doing the slighting. Little insults are just annoyances and some people throw those all the time at each other. Not useful to get tweaked over. If it is egregious enough, I cross them off the list of humans-I'm-willing-to-put-up-with.

Just-say-you’re-sorry-and-move-on is the perfect philosophy but many people, both NT and ND, won't let things go at that. Their loss.

Oh this a lecture thought it was an apology

 

[Au Naturel]

I think it can be extra difficult for some if, despite being an Aspie, they are in many ways in categories that tend to be privileged. Such as middle class, heterosexual, white, male, etc. Boys are often socialised to be definite and direct, to assert their opinions etc, I suppose when the theory of the extreme male brain was current as an explanation for autism (now gone quiet) that's partly what it meant.

I think privilege can be hard to see around, for us, and we think it's just who we are, we may not see a different way of doing things. That can be hard luck on others, as we aren't motivated to change autocratic, dominant, overly assertive or controlling behaviours which actually are changeable by efforts of self denial, pulling ourselves in a bit, not being so certain about everything, waiting to hear others ideas and views, and giving them airtime.

I have problems with calling it "privilege." That's a word that was chosen because it has powerful negative connotations. You get to use it as an epithet against anyone with more than you. It is designed to polarize.

It is not a privilege to be treated decently and fairly. It is a fundamental human right. Being white or male or working-class or heterosexual offers me no privileges. OTOH, people who are not so lucky - and it is the luck of the draw what you are born to - are not being allowed their fundamental rights. It is a more accurate way of viewing the same situation that does not polarize.

The "privileges" construction is also a dangerous one. Privileges are something given and taken at the whim of the authority in charge. In China, everything is a privilege, subject to one's "social credit." I would not care to live there.

Pragmatically, if you instead take the "rights" approach, you aren't trying to fight an in-group, you are trying to lift up an out-group. That does not threaten most people or cause them to entrench to protect what they have now.

 

[Aspychata]

Think privilege is defintely a loaded word. But it also has it's place in the English language. But as we polarize as Americans becoming more ethically diverse, privilege is still around us, and it will just be more diverse in the future.

 

[Thinx]

I have problems with calling it "privilege." That's a word that was chosen because it has powerful negative connotations. You get to use it as an epithet against anyone with more than you. It is designed to polarize.

It is not a privilege to be treated decently and fairly. It is a fundamental human right. Being white or male or working-class or heterosexual offers me no privileges. OTOH, people who are not so lucky - and it is the luck of the draw what you are born to - are not being allowed their fundamental rights. It is a more accurate way of viewing the same situation that does not polarize.

The "privileges" construction is also a dangerous one. Privileges are something given and taken at the whim of the authority in charge. In China, everything is a privilege, subject to one's "social credit." I would not care to live there.

Pragmatically, if you instead take the "rights" approach, you aren't trying to fight an in-group, you are trying to lift up an out-group. That does not threaten most people or cause them to entrench to protect what they have now.

I rest my case.