TouhouFan28
New Member
Heres the original song:
Thing - Steampianist
(A long but personal analysis)
What really resonates with me is the sort of desire for subconscious-instinctual human reactions. In the chorus,
"
I want hair like yours
I want hands like yours
I want fingers that curl in the cold like yours
I want eyes to stare
And to cry
When I'm feeling scared like you
Just like you
"
The envy of a human's hair and hands, an aesthetic attribute, is quickly juxtaposed by "fingers that curl in the cold." Showcasing an observation of human behavior rather than a desire for aesthetics. Your body shrinking to conserve heat is an automatic response–someone only deeply disconnected would take note of. This line speaks to me, as someone living with Autism as usually my jealousy and envy is unconventional. What I want feels unachievable because it’s rooted in neurological wiring rather than physical attributes. In other words, I don’t envy someone's athleticism in sports, I envy their drive for competition or empowerment when victorious. Anyone can have pretty hair, hands and face yet it's the subconscious curling of fingers that solidify you as a human. The repetition of the phrase "like yours" is impactful. It hones in the feeling of desperation, the raw envy developed only through astute human inspection. I am often comparing my behavior to others through an analytical lens. When I see someone angry: I first mentally note the scrunching of their face, the drop of their eyebrows, the heightening of their voice. The angry expression is foreign to me. I rarely feel anger, but when I feel like I should be angry I put up a facade. I scrunch my face, droop my eyebrows, add a stern tone to my voice. When I actually am angry, I freeze. I remain like a statue with anger being pent up inside. The first 3 lines of the chorus really put into words my desire to be ‘human.’ Not through masking but through genuine expression.
The line, “I want eyes to stare” heavily relates to me. Others may interpret it as the desire to be put in a scenario where you don’t attract attention. Which isn’t wrong, but to me, the connotation is being able to stare in general. I greatly struggle with eye contact. It is so difficult to look people in the eye without feeling an extreme sense of discomfort. So much so that I feel self-conscious that people see me as rude or dismissive when I'm the opposite. I’m very attentive and interested, it’s just I can’t look at you.
The last lines, “I want eyes to… cry when I'm feeling scared like you” connects to my envy for affective mirroring or empathy. Fear is a result of an external threat. The desire to react to something externally; even negative stimuli is something I've always felt insecure about. When my great grandma passed away, I saw my dad cry, my mom cry, my family in distress. I was surrounded by mourning and grief yet I felt nothing. My younger sister, although having no relationship with my great grandma, sobbed seeing my father cry. I envied that so much. When my grandpa passed away, my mom and aunt were crying for weeks. Yet, I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel grief, nor obligation to help or comfort my family. This isn’t to say I'm psychopathic, sociopathic or anything like that. I feel sadness and despair, but only when it happens to me and something that affects me. I want the ability to see someone in tears and cry with them. I don’t want to fake it, I want it to be genuine. I have faked it for so long. Having to fake cry to affirm and validate someone else’s despair is tiring.
The way the lyrics are written: the imagery displayed in the background, the removal of personal pronouns (no he, her), the separation to humanity all makes you believe that the narrator is not human. Though, it’s ambiguous whether they are or aren’t, it bonds with my experience as an autistic person. My envy’s, desires and mindset are so unconventional, unorthodox or unusual that it often feels like I'm an alien species. It’s hard not to feel alienated when it’s difficult to relate to the simplest of reflexes like crying when afraid.
The lyric, “My friends don’t struggle there is no point” being then elaborated upon with “struggling only makes the hug much tighter” reads to me as friends being emotional references rather than friends. Struggle is visible. You can see a person squirm to resist restraints. You can see the distress on someone's face when something is strenuous. The clear recognizability of struggle is significant. It’s this recognizability of an emotion that makes it able to be noted down in words. Much like an emotionally immature child, I learned reactions through my environment. When it’s hard to read someone's intentions or emotions I discard them. Only those with outward personalities, or display a heightened, usually exaggerated emotions are those that I usually keep the closest or feel the most comfortable with. With the rise in popularity of nonchalance and being emotionally unaffected, it’s been a big struggle to connect with people on an emotional level. Recognizable facial expressions like joy, sadness and struggle is something that is familiar and comforting. It makes conversations easier to navigate and our relationship easier to map out. It’s something that makes the ‘hug’ much tighter.
To conclude my rant: ‘Thing’ by Steampianist puts into words the experience of envying the subconscious behaviours of human beings. The feeling of being so emotionally detached that you observe, analyze and obsess over the reactions of neurotypicals. The realization that your emotional disconnect ostracizes you and is often socially inappropriate is something I heavily experience. The unsettling, desperate, plea of ‘I want’ that the lyrics repeat is haunting and reflects the constant struggle of masking.
The longing for authenticity is a struggle yet don’t let that ostracize yourself. It isn’t about becoming someone else, it’s about living without rehearsal. Living authentically like a human being.
If you’ve read this far, thank you!
Thing - Steampianist
(A long but personal analysis)
What really resonates with me is the sort of desire for subconscious-instinctual human reactions. In the chorus,
"
I want hair like yours
I want hands like yours
I want fingers that curl in the cold like yours
I want eyes to stare
And to cry
When I'm feeling scared like you
Just like you
"
The envy of a human's hair and hands, an aesthetic attribute, is quickly juxtaposed by "fingers that curl in the cold." Showcasing an observation of human behavior rather than a desire for aesthetics. Your body shrinking to conserve heat is an automatic response–someone only deeply disconnected would take note of. This line speaks to me, as someone living with Autism as usually my jealousy and envy is unconventional. What I want feels unachievable because it’s rooted in neurological wiring rather than physical attributes. In other words, I don’t envy someone's athleticism in sports, I envy their drive for competition or empowerment when victorious. Anyone can have pretty hair, hands and face yet it's the subconscious curling of fingers that solidify you as a human. The repetition of the phrase "like yours" is impactful. It hones in the feeling of desperation, the raw envy developed only through astute human inspection. I am often comparing my behavior to others through an analytical lens. When I see someone angry: I first mentally note the scrunching of their face, the drop of their eyebrows, the heightening of their voice. The angry expression is foreign to me. I rarely feel anger, but when I feel like I should be angry I put up a facade. I scrunch my face, droop my eyebrows, add a stern tone to my voice. When I actually am angry, I freeze. I remain like a statue with anger being pent up inside. The first 3 lines of the chorus really put into words my desire to be ‘human.’ Not through masking but through genuine expression.
The line, “I want eyes to stare” heavily relates to me. Others may interpret it as the desire to be put in a scenario where you don’t attract attention. Which isn’t wrong, but to me, the connotation is being able to stare in general. I greatly struggle with eye contact. It is so difficult to look people in the eye without feeling an extreme sense of discomfort. So much so that I feel self-conscious that people see me as rude or dismissive when I'm the opposite. I’m very attentive and interested, it’s just I can’t look at you.
The last lines, “I want eyes to… cry when I'm feeling scared like you” connects to my envy for affective mirroring or empathy. Fear is a result of an external threat. The desire to react to something externally; even negative stimuli is something I've always felt insecure about. When my great grandma passed away, I saw my dad cry, my mom cry, my family in distress. I was surrounded by mourning and grief yet I felt nothing. My younger sister, although having no relationship with my great grandma, sobbed seeing my father cry. I envied that so much. When my grandpa passed away, my mom and aunt were crying for weeks. Yet, I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel grief, nor obligation to help or comfort my family. This isn’t to say I'm psychopathic, sociopathic or anything like that. I feel sadness and despair, but only when it happens to me and something that affects me. I want the ability to see someone in tears and cry with them. I don’t want to fake it, I want it to be genuine. I have faked it for so long. Having to fake cry to affirm and validate someone else’s despair is tiring.
The way the lyrics are written: the imagery displayed in the background, the removal of personal pronouns (no he, her), the separation to humanity all makes you believe that the narrator is not human. Though, it’s ambiguous whether they are or aren’t, it bonds with my experience as an autistic person. My envy’s, desires and mindset are so unconventional, unorthodox or unusual that it often feels like I'm an alien species. It’s hard not to feel alienated when it’s difficult to relate to the simplest of reflexes like crying when afraid.
The lyric, “My friends don’t struggle there is no point” being then elaborated upon with “struggling only makes the hug much tighter” reads to me as friends being emotional references rather than friends. Struggle is visible. You can see a person squirm to resist restraints. You can see the distress on someone's face when something is strenuous. The clear recognizability of struggle is significant. It’s this recognizability of an emotion that makes it able to be noted down in words. Much like an emotionally immature child, I learned reactions through my environment. When it’s hard to read someone's intentions or emotions I discard them. Only those with outward personalities, or display a heightened, usually exaggerated emotions are those that I usually keep the closest or feel the most comfortable with. With the rise in popularity of nonchalance and being emotionally unaffected, it’s been a big struggle to connect with people on an emotional level. Recognizable facial expressions like joy, sadness and struggle is something that is familiar and comforting. It makes conversations easier to navigate and our relationship easier to map out. It’s something that makes the ‘hug’ much tighter.
To conclude my rant: ‘Thing’ by Steampianist puts into words the experience of envying the subconscious behaviours of human beings. The feeling of being so emotionally detached that you observe, analyze and obsess over the reactions of neurotypicals. The realization that your emotional disconnect ostracizes you and is often socially inappropriate is something I heavily experience. The unsettling, desperate, plea of ‘I want’ that the lyrics repeat is haunting and reflects the constant struggle of masking.
The longing for authenticity is a struggle yet don’t let that ostracize yourself. It isn’t about becoming someone else, it’s about living without rehearsal. Living authentically like a human being.
If you’ve read this far, thank you!
