Any advice? I think I’m losing my mind

[Reality_sucks_mum]

Hello all,

I’m feeling so alone and desperately seeking advice. My son is almost 3 and level 3 autistic non verbal, so communication is a problematic area. We are still trying to get him interested in signing simple things but he has no interest.

He is becoming more violent and refuses to wear a nappy and pees absolutely everywhere, but mostly on everyone’s bed and couch. I’ve tried normal time out punishment and explaining, I’ve tried directing him to the bathroom, but unfortunately this always ends up in a meltdown. He is beginning to destroy things in the house by pulling things out and ripping pages out of books, taking out the stuffing from the couch etc. I don’t know how to discipline him in a mainstream way because he is not a mainstream kid. I have other children but he is my first Bub with autism and proving difficult. I feel like such a failure as I can’t leave the house with him, or let anyone sit him because of his meltdowns.

Oh and he can escape almost anywhere. We have had to hide the keys in new locations so he doesn’t open the front door when he knows I’m preoccupied with his younger brother. Any advice?

 

[Major Tom]

I have a son who is level 3 non-verbal autistic as well.(he's 6 now) All I can say is persistence and patience are key. Back when my boy was that age he was much the same, other than the refusal to wear diapers (probably a sensory issue for your boy). Anyways now at 6 he's a bit calmer and a little bit less destructive. He can sign some things and understand and (sometimes begrudgingly) follows basic commands. He's getting dressed by himself etc.
You just need to be extra patient and extra firm. Traditional punishments will not work, positive reinforcement is much better. If you punish, that just associates bad emotions to positive things and makes it all the more difficult/impossible to correct the behaviors.
My son can escape anywhere as well, and you can't ever take your eye off him for a second. That has not changed.
Do not shelter him or keep him away from other people because of bad behavior or meltdowns, keep exposing him and try to remain sane while doing it. Things will get better if you do that.
I hope that this helps just a little bit even. I can understand how you feel and keep your head up. You are not a failure, also it is not your son's fault or anyone's fault he is how he is. It was just a very unfortunate twist of fate that made things as they are.You also never know what the future will hold for him so don't give up! Accepting that can help too.
Good luck!

 

[Pinkie B]

Have you tried cloth diapers? They might be less upsetting to him.

I don't have kids, let alone autistic ones, but I had a pair of weasels that were my heart and everything good in my life and for 9 years my boy weasel just put pees and poops absolutely everywhere. One of his favorite spots was literally right next to the litter paper! Because I finally gave up on litter boxes and just used puppy sheets (btw, hospital bed sheets are like half the price and are the same thing as puppy sheets) on the floor, which meant the pee got sucked underneath them and I'd not only have to throw out an unused pad, but also wipe up pee that had been smeared all over the floor.

Weasels, like autistics, do NOT respond to negative reinforcement. You can't yell at them like you would a dog because they are non-verbal. What I mean by that is weasels do not communicate with sound. Their primary communication method is by smell. They also have terrible vision so hand signals are also limited with them. So I had to potty train my weasels using positive reinforcement ONLY.

It's a slow process that takes patience, persistence and itty bitty little steps, but it's a very simple process nonetheless. You basically have to preempt the potty urge. I started by putting my weasels in the potty immediately after they woke up and keeping them there until they went pee or poo (ideally both). Then I gave them play time. Eventually my girl figured it out, but my boy would just lie to me and say he didn't have to go, and then go in the middle of the floor as soon as I let him out. He was so much trouble!

I realize that you can't put your son in a cage no matter how much you feel like it would make your life easier (don't all parents wish that at some point?), but maybe because "discipline" isn't working and because you can't verbally communicate with him, you can focus on preempting the issue by taking him to the potty at regular intervals and just staying there for five minutes or so in the hopes that he goes?

The other thing that's important is to reward approximate successes, too. So you might reward your son even if he pees on the floor in the bathroom, as long as it's in the bathroom. Try to resist punishing him during potty lessons, too, because it will create a negative and stressful association.

Sorry I can't be of more help. I know you're having a rough time. Hang in there, though, because it WILL get easier!

 

[Suzanne]

I am not a parent, but I was once a baby lol.

I had constant rashes due to nappies. I think it probably was related to how tight against my poor little chubby thighs.

We become non verbal, because we are unable to explain what we want and the more verbal attacks come our way, the less able to communicate.

Can you try pointing to things, and watch his reaction? Can you say: does this hurt and nod you head in answer?

I would not have wanted to be bothered about learning signing, because the non verbal is not due to issues with the vocal cords; it is related to not being able to commicate other than simple terms.

Even neurotypical children cause messes if they do not get their own way or not listened to. So, when an autistic child does the same thing, you can guarantee it is due to frustration.

It is trial and error. Finding out what works.

Oh and with any child, you have to keep on the watch, because at that age, curiosity is flourishing and testing boundries.

I can understand the need to give a child something to occupy them, just so the parent can get some breathing space, but sadly, it will not bode well in the future.

Learn to interact with your child and your child will blossom.

 

[Pinkie B]

We become non verbal, because we are unable to explain what we want and the more verbal attacks come our way, the less able to communicate.

Can you try pointing to things, and watch his reaction? Can you say: does this hurt and nod you head in answer?

I would not have wanted to be bothered about learning signing, because the non verbal is not due to issues with the vocal cords; it is related to not being able to commicate other than simple terms.

I think in some cases it is a motor control problem that prevents speech. Still difficult.

 

[Reality_sucks_mum]

Thank you everyone. Interaction doesn’t fit very well with him unfortunately. He doesn’t look at where you point or what you try to draw attention to. He doesn’t like play with anyone, and if we attempt to play or bring a toy or sensory play (play doe etc) a meltdown follows. I’m trying to be patient I know it must be disgustingly hard for him, but he seems to be getting worse with his communication which was already bad. Where he has never talked or played he seems to be hating more interaction.