Anxiety towards other sex!

[Sander]

This can be quite difficult, sometimes I find it even hard to talk to them, even if I don't have a crush on them.

I've thought about this quite a long time, asking normal questions isn't a problem, it starts to get a problem when I just want to chat with them, even to start a friendship.

The weird: I've got more female friends than male. But those friends knew me from the time I still wore diapers, that's about 14 years! And yes, I'm totally comfortable with them.

I'm just so frightened that I will fail talking to a girl or anything else than asking questions.

Even with Evy, I've grown quite comfortable with her, I'd tell her things others might never know, but holding hands, initiating a hug, or things like a kiss are just not possible, I get so nervous that in the end I won't do it.

Receiving a hug, kiss, whatever else, no problem. As long as I don't have to initiate it.

I'm sick and tired of it! Any tips?!
Edit: This only happens with girls around my age.

 

[Ereth]

Honestly, you just need to practice. Let the other person tell you if she's uncomfortable---that's at least half your worrying gone.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I'm quite anxious with my own sex. It's mainly people around my own age, of either sex, that I'm anxious around. People who are a lot older, or small children; I'm fine with.
I have no idea how people manage to kiss for the first time. That is one of life's great mysteries.

 

[Sander]

Honestly, you just need to practice. Let the other person tell you if she's uncomfortable---that's at least half your worrying gone.

Thank you Ereth, the problem is that only solves it for that person, I've got like 5 very good female friends, you might think that it's alot, and it is, but we only see each other once or twice a year.

 

[Sander]

I'm quite anxious with my own sex. It's mainly people around my own age, of either sex, that I'm anxious around. People who are a lot older, or small children; I'm fine with.
I have no idea how people manage to kiss for the first time. That is one of life's great mysteries.

For me it's actually people around my own age too, lol, forgot to mention that

 

[Ereth]

Practice with your mother if you have to, then. Do something to get yourself used to handshakes and hugs and such.

 

[Sander]

Practice with your mother if you have to, then. Do something to get yourself used to handshakes and hugs and such.

I think there is a bit of miscommunication going on between us
I can practice handshakes, hugs and such with my mother and best friends, but that doesn't make me less nervous/anxious towards other people.
And if I try it with someone new I don't know, it will only change for that person. Perhaps if there were like 15 girls I don't know where I'd have to shake hands, hug and so on, it might make it less, but where the heck do I get 15 girls I don't know and are willing to help me overcome my anxiousness?

 

[Ereth]

Have you considered that maybe the other people are just as nervous as you are? I'm not BSing you---if you try to practice, you'll get better at being able to proceed with handshakes and things with others. I had to do it myself.

 

[Sander]

Have you considered that maybe the other people are just as nervous as you are? I'm not BSing you---if you try to practice, you'll get better at being able to proceed with handshakes and things with others. I had to do it myself.

lol, come to think of it, I didn't. I've never thought about that since they all are so comfortable around each other, even if they've just met, at least that is what it looks like.
Thanks Ereth!

 

[Evy the Owl]

My advice:

Ereth is right, others (including me) are nervous as well. When it comes to physical contact, it takes practice. While I've had lots of physical contact with women, I haven't with men. You gotta just go with the flow, it's isn't bad if the girl takes the lead. And one step at a time, don't overdo it. Be clear about what's bothering you (It clicked why you weren't so physical when we met, when I read this).

And I'm pretty sure NT guys can be just as nervous about physical contact with the other (or same) sex for that matter. They have all the big talk about what they have done in their private time, but 70% is BS.

Also, you should work on that fear of rejection. Rejection is part of life (Think of getting jobs, friendships, deals, getting into schools, etc). Having the attitude of: "Hey, I can feel bad about this, but it's not going to ruin my day", is very important. It'll get you very far in life. Just keep in mind that I like you a lot, and that I'm not going to leave you all of the sudden either.

For the approaching girls thing, there are loads of vids about that on youtube. You might want to take a look at them.

 

[Evy the Owl]

Oh and: Practice in the mirror. Know what your posture looks like, practice looking confident and relaxed, smile at yourself. You don't have to look like a super confident dude, but you don't want to look insecure. So practice speaking and your body language.

This video says a lot of good stuff:

 

[gonzerd]

If you're like me you might think that the girl just sees you as one more guy who's trying to hit on her. Chances are you're not like those guys. Don't worry about that. There are a lot of people who struggle with this, and a lot of those people are girls. Usually it's still flattering if someone shows interest in you, even if that interest isn't reciprocal. Just talk and ask. But always be prepared to take no for an answer, without being a jerk about it! That's probably really important, so I'll say it twice: always be prepared to take no for an answer, without being a jerk about it! They'll respect you for it. (I think, maybe I'm all wrong about this. I'm not exactly good at these things myself.)

 

[Ste11aeres]

lol, come to think of it, I didn't. I've never thought about that since they all are so comfortable around each other, even if they've just met, at least that is what it looks like.
Thanks Ereth!

From what I've heard, I think a lot of people, and we're talking about neurotypicals, are nervous around other people. Even people who are socially skilled, and who appear great socially, are often feeling real nervousness on the inside. this isn't just my opinion, but based on what I've heard from others.

 

[Ste11aeres]

If you're like me you might think that the girl just sees you as one more guy who's trying to hit on her. Chances are you're not like those guys. Don't worry about that. There are a lot of people who struggle with this, and a lot of those people are girls. Usually it's still flattering if someone shows interest in you, even if that interest isn't reciprocal. Just talk and ask. But always be prepared to take no for an answer, without being a jerk about it! That's probably really important, so I'll say it twice: always be prepared to take no for an answer, without being a jerk about it! They'll respect you for it. (I think, maybe I'm all wrong about this. I'm not exactly good at these things myself.)

Amen. I've been approached by many guys I didn't want to talk to. The guys who wouldn't take no for an answer, I hated them. But with the guys who were nice and respectfully accepted my no, I thought highly of them. (didn't change my mind about talking to them, but i respected them, and hope they found someone eventually.)

 

[josolito]

I'm quite anxious with my own sex. It's mainly people around my own age, of either sex, that I'm anxious around. People who are a lot older, or small children; I'm fine with.
I have no idea how people manage to kiss for the first time. That is one of life's great mysteries.

I feel the same way when it comes to feeling that way around people my own age and all. People younger I feel as though they are less knowledgeable and look up to me regardless and older people I feel are more laidback with certain things and find me very interesting due to my maturity. Kissing on the first meet well thats freaking amazing though!! It kinda breaks a lot of icw and atleast you know that person is interested in you!

 

[Daniel]

Lots of good insights on this thread!

Good piece of advice I received recently--don't worry about outcomes. Anxiety is fear, in this case, as was mentioned earlier, the fear of rejection and failure. But it's not about the success/failure outcome. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy being alive! That way, no matter what happens, you've had a successful experience.

When you can enjoy being yourself while enjoying a woman being herself, that's when it clicks.

 

[Elsbett]

Just let her know it's up to her to start and that you'll follow her lead. If she likes you, she will be reassured.

Last year I fell in love with an Aspie, but at that time I didn't know he had Asperger and I didn't even know what Asperger was. I immediately noticed he enjoyed a lot being with me when I was taking the initiative, but turned totally passive if I abstained, therefore I started fearing he didn't like me.

That's when I got really lucky and found a book about Asperger. I really wished he had told me about it.
This book saved us, but I'm often still quite confused. I wish he could tell me what he needs and how he needs it. Maybe one year is still a short time for him to open up to me.
He always mentions friends he's been knowing for decades and I fear I can't compete with them, even if we've been more than friends.

Another thing I want you to know
is that people who love you
are not going to be discouraged by any mistake you might make. They have seen your value, and love is so much stronger than resentment.

Just don't avoid dialogue, that's the only real mistake a person can make, and this is true for everyone, including neurotypicals.



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[Daniel]

Just let her know it's up to her to start and that you'll follow her lead. If she likes you, she will be reassured.

Last year I fell in love with an Aspie, but at that time I didn't know he had Asperger and I didn't even know what Asperger was. I immediately noticed he enjoyed a lot being with me when I was taking the initiative, but turned totally passive if I abstained, therefore I started fearing he didn't like me.

This resonates with me completely--though from the other side! It's nice to know I'm "normal"--for an Aspie!

That's when I got really lucky and found a book about Asperger. I really wished he had told me about it. This book saved us, but I'm often still quite confused. I wish he could tell me what he needs and how he needs it. Maybe one year is still a short time for him to open up to me. He always mentions friends he's been knowing for decades and I fear I can't compete with them, even if we've been more than friends.

I'm less than two years into understanding that I'm Aspie, and that there's even anything different about me. So I'm in the position of having to figure out what I need, as well as figuring out what it is that other people need, as well as what those differences are and how to make sense of them.

In my situation, my marriage just ended, so I'm not emotionally available by any means, but for future reference, I'm curious--why do you wish he could tell you what he needs and how he needs it? What need of yours is that? I'm only asking because I honestly don't know, and I'm interested in learning!

Another thing I want you to know is that people who love you are not going to be discouraged by any mistake you might make. They have seen your value, and love is so much stronger than resentment.

That's great to know. It sure doesn't feel like it most of the time! I want to remember that.

Just don't avoid dialogue, that's the only real mistake a person can make, and this is true for everyone, including neurotypicals.

This was something that I see now that I would do in my marriage--I would shut down if she got upset with me, and that just made her more upset. Eventually, I explained that I don't work well in the moment, because it takes time for me to process my feelings--especially if someone is disappointed and frustrated with me. I don't even understand myself in the moment half the time, and if I open up, all my frustration comes out. But it took me a long time to even understand that that's what was going on.

 

[GoofKing]

I dunno if I ever felt anxiety against the opposite sex as I sort of now-a-days but was girl crazy when I was a teenager. I guess being girl crazy is when your teenage hormones make it where you just want to with girls and can't get enough of them. I think my eyes used to light up when I was around girls. It was more than being a dumb and horny teenager, I also loved hanging out with them ... In fact I've had more girls as friends than guys.

 

[Sander]

Last Saturday Evy stayed at my house, we had a good time, well if you don't look at the more intimate part.... Eyv kissed me, I wanted to kiss back, if only I could force myself to do it even if it were a split second our lips touched. But something inside me couldn't. I wanted it so badly but I just couldn't. And even now I'm having trouble with the fact I couldn't kiss her.