Another thing at school (apologies to those of you who are sick of these threads I know I do a lot.)

[the_tortoise]

Even if it is difficult or you feel it is impossible to talk to him, if you could just go stand with him in a supportive manner. Non threatening. I have had people do that with me before. I could feel their support (if that makes sense) but then I am very sensitive. Sometimes words may not be the best option,

Standing near him is a good idea for showing support if you feel unable to say anything.

It does put you at risk of becoming entangled in a bullying situation, though -- bullies might go after you or the boy in question might be so upset that he thinks you're coming to bully him, too (some of that would depend on timing, I think) or he might just feel so vulnerable that he would want to be alone (that's an individual preference, I have no idea, it's just a possibility)....BUT, I still think it is a good idea and it might work really well.

You could also combine this idea of communicating without words (or at least, without speaking) with the idea that @Isadoorian had about giving him a little first aid kit. You could write something on a sticky note or a piece of paper taped to the case that said something like, "I wish I had this when I saw you cut your knee the other day and the teacher wouldn't let you clean up the cut (that teacher is a jerk, they should have let you go clean it up). Thought maybe you could use it someday. If you ever need a friend, I'm here for you." Then you could just hand it to him without saying anything, and there would be no pressure on him to respond at all.

 

[onlything]

Quietly reporting the in-school incidents to the authorities, not only helps him, it helps others like him and discourages some of the bullying (if they get paranoid enough about the cameras).

Only if the authorities care enough to do something with it. In my experience, they often don't.

 

[Crossbreed]

Only if the authorities care enough to do something with it. In my experience, they often don't.

It is a first step. She can escalate to the police, if they won't act.

 

[the_tortoise]

Only if the authorities care enough to do something with it. In my experience, they often don't.

It shouldn't hurt to try, though -- if you can report anonymously then there is nothing to lose.

 

[onlything]

I think it's a mix of both. I do feel really bad for him. But he also looks like he needs a friend and he seems nice enough.
I realize I might get into a couple sticky situations, but I already do. I am basically the living definition of bad luck. So I don't really care about that.
Maybe I should just butt out. But does this really count as being overly nosy? I am genuinely concerned for this guy.

I just want you to think it through and decide with clear mind. If this is how you feel and if this is something you want to do, I won't discourage you. Just be careful. Who knows, maybe you'll get quite a good friend in the process.

 

[onlything]

It shouldn't hurt to try, though -- if you can report anonymously then there is nothing to lose.

Good point.

 

[Crossbreed]

After Columbine (1999), I think that these things are taken more seriously.

 

[Fino]

Not acting because you fear it may not work out the way you want it to is the definition of cowardice, isn't it?

 

[the_tortoise]

Not acting because you fear it may not work out the way you want it to is the definition of cowardice, isn't it?

"Cowardice" means lack of bravery or courage......it also has derogatory connotations, though; I have only seen "cowardice" and "coward" used to shame or ridicule people.

I do hope that OP reaches out to her classmate and/or reports the things she has witnessed to authorities, but I will not use the word cowardice if she does not because I do not think she deserves to be shamed or ridiculed for her fears/anxiety in this situation. (Not trying to say that you are attempting to shame her, but because I see the words "coward" and "cowardice" as words used to shame/ridicule people or to describe something disgraceful/shameful, I would not use them.)

 

[onlything]

Not acting because you fear it may not work out the way you want it to is the definition of cowardice, isn't it?

That's a bit harsh. Consequences here can be quite tough and long-lasting, so proceeding with caution or even avoiding action is completely understandable. Isn't the survival instinct a natural thing for every living being, after all? OP has no obligation to act, especially seeing how young she is and how much she already has on her plate. Some would call not acting in this situation cowardice, others - pragmatism. Again, there's more than two ways of looking at the situation, so let's not jump into extremes

Do we really have the right to judge OP for the decision she makes? I think we can only encourage her and support in the consequences that come out of it. Although, I have to say I'd be happy if even that one boy got out of the miserable situation with a help of a friend but it's still OP's decision. It's easy to talk, after all, and much more difficult to act without getting discouraged along the way.

 

[Fino]

You're both right! Thank you for responding so nicely! I had wanted to write something much longer but was just about to head to work, so I probably shouldn't have commented at all, yet.

Just to be safe, @Horsegirl I had no intention of shaming, just the fact that you made this thread about it makes me respect you very much. All your posts that I've read have been wonderful, and I've had the thought several times that you "seem so fun and sweet, you shouldn't be having social problems, I'd love to be your friend."

What made me think of the sentence and the word I used and how I worded it was:

Stay away from him and don't interfere.

This will end badly, as if things couldn't get any worse.

The immediate, unequivocal, two-sentence seemingly emotionless response to do nothing for someone who needs help bothered me slightly, so that's what led to it.

Agonizing over and discussing the situation and then deciding to do nothing is quite different, in my opinion, from seeing it and going "whatever, I can't help," and moving on. Even though it's the same result.

So I guess my problem was actually with that scenario, of immediate indifference and/or defeat, but OP has already gone past that, so my comment hardly applies.

 

[OlLiE]

Situation:
- you and another kid are being bullied
- teachers aren't helping when they should

Possible courses of action:

-1- direct intervention:
- upside: doubtful, if they've ignored protestations up till now, one extra person won't make a change
- downside: you may increase your visibility as a target

-2- soft approach, try to befriend the bullied kid, this may make you more of a target:
- upside: a united front of 2 which may discourage some bullies as they will lose a degree of anonymity
- downside: you may increase your visibility as a target and open up new fronts of pestering

-3- 'a cunning plan' (black adder reference): Both keep a journal
- upside: keep a ledger of who has bullied, whom, when and how, in parallel always flag it to whichever teacher is responsible for bullying and what actions they have and haven't taken, it is possible that if other bullied kids hear about this that they may do the same, keep this up until you have documented proof of systematic bullying by specific students and a dereliction of duty by specific teachers > give it to your parents or just send it to the entity that is responsible for controlling your school OR as people realise what you are doing they may be forced to change their behaviour
- downside: while forcing change (they won't have kept records and will have difficulty proving their point of view if both you and your friend have similar ledgers), it really won't make you any friends in the faculty and the students as soon as they find out what you are doing

-4- buddy system:

(A) aggressive: more or less the same as -3-, but always maintain a buddy system so you have a witness than can confirm what you write, but rather than keeping a log, create an anti bullying website, report every single event with date, time bully, what they did, teacher who did nothing, witness

(B) passive: strength in numbers: identify people that are being bullied and maintain a buddy system so bullies can't get you alone, and so that you always have a witness, when reporting to teachers, always have a buddy with you, it will be harder for them to do nothing if there is a witness

hang up posters around school about the website and exactly what it does
this will make you a very high profile target right away though

basically the more aggressive the action the higher the risk of increasing your profile as a target

 

[AloneNotLonely]

End badly how? For me or for him? I can see it possibly not ending all that well for me. But I already hate school and people are already mean to me, so what have I got to lose. And I think the same goes for him.
Would you please explain? I'm not sure what you mean, but I miss the point a lot so maybe this is one of those times

Was mostly thinking along the lines of you. But it could possibly get worse for him as well.

So you have kids that tried getting closer to you (Either as part of bullying or they thought you might let them do as they please) and you rejected them in a very clear manner. Now you suddenly decide to get close to a boy whose social standing is clearly in the gutter. Hell hath no fury like a teenager scorned.

The immediate, unequivocal, two-sentence seemingly emotionless response to do nothing for someone who needs help bothered me slightly, so that's what led to it.

Agonizing over and discussing the situation and then deciding to do nothing is quite different, in my opinion, from seeing it and going "whatever, I can't help," and moving on. Even though it's the same result.

So I guess my problem was actually with that scenario, of immediate indifference and/or defeat, but OP has already gone past that, so my comment hardly applies.

No, that's not at all what it is. It's very easy to put someone else on the chopping block for what you believe is right, but wrongs are not up to people in already precarious situations to fix. You are in this situation no better than the teachers that shout "End bullying! Social justice!" from all the rooftops and then proceed to look the other way when a kid in their class is being bullied or decide to exert their power over a bleeding kid.

If this ends badly for her, she's going to be the one suffering for all these years. She is a student, and not even a particularly popular one. It's not up to her to fix the world, and even if she did decide to fix the world... the first lesson to be learned is to not be the one on the chopping block. A dead hero is of use to nobody.

 

[Fino]

A dead hero is of use to nobody.

Then what would make the person a hero? Something later..?

 

[Ezra]

If I told my parents about something like that going on, they would report it to Child Protective Services without getting me or themselves directly involved.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Then what would make the person a hero? Something later..?

Is this rhetorical?

It's very simple: Why should she risk getting her life ruined when there's perfectly capable adults doing nothing? It's not her job and it's not like she can accomplish anything anyway except get dragged along in the misery.

 

[Mary Terry]

Sometimes you just need to be a friend, take a risk, show someone who needs a friend that you are there. Please don't shun the boy out of fear that something weird will come from it. It's okay and a good thing to let him know that you were concerned about him being injured and asking if he is okay. I wouldn't give him a first aid kit. It would feel almost like a joke to me if someone gave one to me under those circumstances.

And who are the people who claim that aspies lack empathy? Horsegirl has more empathy than many NTs I know.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Sometimes you just need to be a friend, take a risk, show someone who needs a friend that you are there. Please don't shun the boy out of fear that something weird will come from it. It's okay and a good thing to let him know that you were concerned about him being injured and asking if he is okay. I wouldn't give him a first aid kit. It would feel almost like a joke to me if someone gave one to me under those circumstances.

And who are the people who claim that aspies lack empathy? Horsegirl has more empathy than many NTs I know.

It's a dumb myth. The majority of aspies have empathy and lots of it, we just have a hard time expressing it because we don't always recognize when somebody's upset or follow the social norms, but we're certainly able to feel other people's pain and sadness.

 

[the_tortoise]

It's a dumb myth. The majority of aspies have empathy and lots of it, we just have a hard time expressing it because we don't always recognize when somebody's upset or follow the social norms, but we're certainly able to feel other people's pain and sadness.

Or at least able to care about it and have a desire to provide comfort and support, for those who do not actually feel the pain and sadness of others inside of themselves when made aware of it.