Annoyed with Boyfriend

[BirdsNest]

I'm mostly just venting here, to clear my own mind.

Really cross with my boyfriend. I posted about him before, we had a breakup but managed to sort it out and overall things have been a lot better. (He said he was a rubbish partner and what I wanted wasn't unreasonable.) He's made an effort to make changes -as have I- and for the most part things have been positive.

However!! I was never naive enough to believe we would be issue-free, and here are the current issues;-

-Apparently his ex came and stayed in his house while he was away, removed the last of her personal things from his house. They were on-off for a number of years. He didn't tell me this, I found out because I found her hairs in his bed. I have no way of proving what really went on here either way: I can either take his word for it, or break up with him. Because he'd made a real effort to work things through I decided to stay. However I found this unsettling and it has made me insecure in the relationship. This was only two weeks ago.

-Since that happened we've started having more arguments. One time I really needed to talk to him and he was very uncommunicative, just dropped off the radar. I thought he was doing something important but he wasn't, he just didn't think it was convenient to respond to me so did not. I wound up being very frustrated and upset and we had an argument over the phone. I told him that my insecurities were causing me to blow a small problem out of proportion and what I wanted was a happy and healthy relationship with him. He did apologise for being stubborn and unaccomodating.

-We also fought just this weekend, twice. It was his birthday. I'd made a big effort to make his day special. First off his brother wanted to come to visit him, my boyfriend almost ditched me to spend time with his brother because he felt wierd about me meeting his brother. We talked about it, he said he would rather spend time with me and so told his brother he already had plans. He said he felt weird about meeting each others family at this stage but meeting friends was ok, talked about 'things getting too tangled up'.

-That evening we went out for food with his best friend, whom I am already familiar with. We've hung out with his mates a few times now.

-On his actual birthday, in the morning, he was really rude to me. He tried to look at his phone while we were having sex, that really annoyed me. Then he refused to let me come along to his afternoon plans, which were to see a friend and their kid*, with whom he shares a birthday. I was really annoyed that I was being left out and also that he was treating me like some kind of secret or as if I am an embarrassment to him. I cried and just left his house. (*lol, not his.)

-Later, on the telephone, he started giving me all this rubbish about how he 'said he didn't want a relationship' (said over a year ago) and how he felt meeting each other's friends was too involved for him. This seemed really weird because for the most part he's been accommodating and willing to meet me halfway on issues and we've been hanging out with his friends recently! I don't know if this was a blip he just came out with because he was under pressure or if this is what he really wants. I basically just told him that if meeting each others friends and family was too much for him then this relationship isn't going to work for me.

What I really need is lots of TLC and extra attention while I calm down over this issue with his ex. He doesn't seem to get that its a source of insecurity - on the phone he tried to frame it as if I have a problem with him being mates with his ex period.

That wasn't true, although its becoming that way now. What I have an issue with is that I no longer 100% trust him to be honest with me about what goes on with her.

*sighs*

 

[Judge]

Unfortunately your post doesn't have what I'd consider the critical element to understanding what is really going on. That is, exactly why he chooses to compartmentalize his relationship with you to others. So I can only speculate as to why he wants to limit your exposure to others in his social circle.

As someone on the spectrum it's easy to point out that socialization, let alone all the social dynamics can go with it be tremendously arduous for us in general. This can involve a cumulative effect of simply one too many social interactions, or it can be more complex depending on the mix of individual personalities involved. Where some mixes within our social orbit work and others don't, or are perceived as precarious, making them potentially "toxic" for us with the possibility of a shutdown or meltdown. Causing us to compartmentalize some- but not all our social contacts.

Or perhaps it might really involve the simplest explanation being the most plausible one. That he has either pondered the notion or already decided to break the relationship and has selectively told others in his social orbit. With you perhaps being the last to be told. He may simply have been on the rebound and acted too quickly in jumping into another relationship and that what he is projecting to you may be his own remorse.

All compounded by your insisting in some particular way that he "change" which can come at great peril to most any relationship involving Neurotypical and Neurodiverse persons. From his perspective that may have been the "last straw". Though he has chosen for whatever reason not to put it all out there for you. Again if he's already on overload he isn't likely to push another outright confrontation with you. Not yet, at least.

Sorry to say this relationship appears to be dead on arrival, IMO. Though yes, it is just an opinion.

 

[dragoncat16]

I can either take his word for it, or break up with him.

I know you were just venting, but that's really what you need to decide. If you take his word for it, you can't keep bringing it up, because then he'll get upset that you don't trust him. If you don't believe him and you feel that you can't forgive him, then the only thing to do is to end it. You are just stressing yourself out by worrying about that, and obviously he has picked up on the fact that you haven't let it go.

If he's rude to you and doesn't want you to meet his friends and family, then it might not be worth staying with him anyway.

 

[clg114]

Trust is a very important part of any relationship. It does not make any difference why you do not trust him, just the fact that you do not trust him is enough to jinx the relationship.

 

[BirdsNest]

Trust is a very important part of any relationship. It does not make any difference why you do not trust him, just the fact that you do not trust him is enough to jinx the relationship.

I know you were just venting, but that's really what you need to decide. If you take his word for it, you can't keep bringing it up, because then he'll get upset that you don't trust him. If you don't believe him and you feel that you can't forgive him, then the only thing to do is to end it. You are just stressing yourself out by worrying about that, and obviously he has picked up on the fact that you haven't let it go.

I know. We talked about this. He has said he is sorry.
I have said it would take time for this to go away.
While I believe his story I don't trust that he would choose to be honest with me about other difficult things in the relationship, y'know- things that I would want to know about.... I think he would just keep quiet to keep the peace.
Really I need more than just an apology from him to get past this. :/

In recent months we have spent more time with some of his friends. When were fighting about his brother coming on his birthday he said he hasn't really met my mates. I asked how many people/whats a good place and he surprised me by saying we could go to the pub together. (He seems to hate pubs so I've never invited him out to the pub.)

But yeah then on the phone last night he started saying meeting each other's friends and family was all too involved for him. So I don't get where he really stands with this, as he's said two different things.

 

[Judge]

But yeah then on the phone last night he started saying meeting each other's friends and family was all too involved for him. So I don't get where he really stands with this, as he's said two different things.

Ask him if he equates different social dynamics with different people. It's quite possible for us. With different people and different combinations equating to different levels of stress. Some we might be able to handle and others that we can't.

 

[Ambi]

I am sorry you are going through this :-( I hate to sound like a broken record to others, but this might possibly help you decide what is best for you in this and in other relationships: attachment theory as applied to adult romantic relationships. The book i read was called "Attached" by Amir Levine (totally changed my understanding of myself and Mr. Right), but you may be able to google relevant info.

 

[Tom]

Really, this sounds like more time will just bring more heartache to you. Not really a case of adjusting to anything so much as moving on to something else entirely.

 

[Fitzo]

I'm sorry you're obviously hurt and upset, but it seems to me you're the one putting all the effort into the relationship. He clearly isn't willing to make a commitment.
And wanting to look at his phone while you're having sex? Really?
I'm sorry but I think you're heading for heartbreak if you keep seeing this guy.

 

[BirdsNest]

Yeh it's not a good situation I agree.

I'm always skeptical of advice given out by strangers online. Esp within this community it's often very negative. Can understand why - people like myself come to places like this to exorcise their worst demons.

He's actually been a good partner and made real efforts to accommodate me since we got back together, for the most part. As I said in my initial post. Some commentators seem to have overlooked that... I chose to stay and try and work it out with him because he'd been making an effort.

 

[BirdsNest]

That said I am totally in agreement with the consensus that this current behaviour is just not acceptable and is hurting me.

 

[Tobs]

I don't want to tell you whether I think you should stay or go. That's something everyone decides for themselves.

My observations from your original post are that there are a couple of unspoken issues at play.

I don't appreciate it when my partner has a close friendship with an ex either. It often indicates the inability to let go of emotional bonds, even when they're determined not healthy. Her hair should not be in his bed. It is ambiguous. He could have been seeking comfort, or more. The conclusion will never be certain.

You are unsure why he does not want you to meet his brother. There are many plausible reasons for this. (For me it would be that my brother has problems understanding boundaries.) It could be that he considers you oil and water, and that mixing the two of you would make it difficult for him to interact with either of you.

It does sound like your insecurities convinced him not to spend time with his brother.

You should clearly state "No electronic devices during sex.", if it's something that bothers you. But he either hasn't realized it's troubling to you he doesn't think it shoul be a problem. If it were my hypothetical girlfriend, I'd get out of bed and play a video game or something. Personally, I appreciate non-ambiguous signals more than kindness. And it's important to stand up for yourself.

For you personally, it seems like insecurity is the biggest obstacle to a relationship. He left once, so you feel as if you might not be good enough. On top of that, he is close with another female and you feel as if, regardless of whether he is available, she wishes to pursue him.

And I know it's a cliche. But you have to love yourself before you can accept someone else loving you. Regardless of whether he truely loves you.