Anger and anxiety

[camerartus]

Have you ever built up so much anxiety over a situation that you took it out on someone unfairly and it took you a long time to realize it?
If so, was it best for that person to keep responding to you in kindness, or just ignore you until you realized you're wrong?

 

[Harrison]

I have done this in the past, in fact, most of my past regrets involve those situations and where no resolution was found. Nowadays I pay more attention to where I direct my ire.

Those past instances are so vague now that I have no idea what the other person should, or shouldn't, have done.

 

[Slithytoves]

I did that a lot as a young adult. A few instances of being on the receiving end of the same behavior made me take a step back and reflect on my own pattern, and I've since been able to resolve it. I still may sound a little agitated when I vent about something, but I always offer a disclaimer to my audience that my tone is about the subject, not some sort of displeasure with them personally.

I actually liked it best when people were honest with me about the behavior they were witnessing. It helped me see what was going on, while quiet tolerance or unexplained disregard were just useless.

 

[Progster]

It's best that the other person remains calm with me and doesn't shout when I'm upset, because that will just make it worse. Then, when I've calmed down, the other person should tell me calmly how he or she feels. Then I will listen and accept my mistake and am not so likely to jump to conclusions, misinterpret or do other things which may lead to further misunderstanding.

 

[Beverly]

I'm Native American and, an angry squaw is a squaw on the warpath - you don't want to tangle with me when I'm in one of those moods. Even online I can hit hard verbally/with text when someone attacks me or those I care about.

One such incident got me to mobilize 200,000 odd people and, got a very prominent reporter for a major network fired within 24 hours. DO NOT get this squaw on the warpath unless you are in the war party - if you are, I hope you actually want results because I won't quit until I get them. Same applies one on one, once I decide you need to give, need to capitulate to me for a wrong you've done me or someone I care about, I will have an apology and, if warranted, restitution PERIOD.

I am not a doormat, neither are those I care about and, I'm not going to sit by and allow anyone to treat us as such for any reason. Beyond that not much puts me in mad squaw mode.

 

[cherryq]

Whenever I get overly anxious, whether from stress at school/work or with abrupt changes in my life like moving to new state, I tend to get more angry. Anxiety and anger are definitely connected, at least for me. I remember in high school, particularly junior and senior years (because I have most of my few memories from high school during these years), I would come home in a foul mood often. I would often snap and talk back to my parents, slam doors, yell, etc. If my parents yelled back and matched tone for tone with me, it would only make me more upset. I'd eventually storm up to my room to calm myself back down. After I had calmed down, though, my parents could then tell me why my actions and tone of voice were wrong. That helped me...talking calmly about the problem after the initial outburst was over.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

I thought the question and the diverse responses are first rate.
My POV is different so I will share.

Until I went to Vietnam, I guess that dates me, I was angry about as many times as I was happy. I had no control of any aspect of my life, parents had total oppressive control and they were simply not responsible for anything but their own miserable interests. I was without emotion, and apathetic. Books were my only friends.
Combat was liberating, because I was for the first time at least in part, responsible for my own life and death, not that I cared much either way.
I did two consecutive tours there, never even had a Nam dream. I guess it was not impactful enough to emotionally register.
Nevertheless I followed every obscure path that I came across and had many adventures but never actually hated anyone, or manipulated, betrayed or deceived anyone. I just never thought it was worth the effort.
My sole mission is to be a consistently decent human being.

My philosophies fit on bumper stickers, here are a few.
Love many, if you can.
Trust very few, be true to your values.
Enjoy the free buffet, eat your fill.

In the end as in the beginning many but not all, are the designers of our destiny and it really does not matter enough to get too worked up about.
Just another piece of the universe trying to understand the big incomprehensible.

 

[Maelstrom]

I have done this in the past, in fact, most of my past regrets involve those situations and where no resolution was found. Nowadays I pay more attention to where I direct my ire.

Those past instances are so vague now that I have no idea what the other person should, or shouldn't, have done.

Hi Harrison , yes I feel terrible if someone manages to corner me and get one of my triggers, being on this site has helped me try to think diplomacy first, response second. Learning not to get nuked in aspie land is good practice for the real world where sometimes you don't get a second chance.

There is something you can do however, it is swallow your pride, and think on trying to fix any unintended harm you caused to someone, and apologize and explain your triggers and autistic issues to them. I'm not much for the hiding the elephant thing, if you don't tell them they will keep hitting your triggers anyways until it goes so bad there is nothing left to repair, if they use it against you well they were never going to work out as friends anyways, but every once in a while you run into a person who will work with you and over look things, hang on to those like a handful of diamonds.

I'm not real big on the vendetta thing, it isn't the other persons fault I'm bad at the social stuff. And I have seen some pretty horrible things done in the name of being offended, when actually the offended person caused the situation with poor social reading skills. Attacking to cover for a weakness isn't kind, and generally ends up just making things much worse for both parties, a lose lose proposition. It takes more strength to resist the temptation to walk away,or attack, and try to reach out and fix and educate others so it goes better next time. And one has to forgive ones self when the triggers are caught off guard, we can't always win against mother nature, but we can try to minimize the damage as much as we can.

 

[Beverly]

I would agree, if it is your fault, let go and forgive then attempt to correct any harm you did but, there are people in this world that intentionally stomp on others for their own gain. I refuse to let them off the hook so easily. Had I done that I'd have become a doormat, used, abused and ignored.

Revenge has no place in my life but justified vengeance most certainly does have a place.

 

[Maelstrom]

Hi Beverly ,I hope you aren't offended by my post, the reason I cringe at such talk of getting even, is I have this lady, who has cheated me out of a chance for a wife, and a family, she has practically ruined things in my own family. She talks just like that, and has endless stories about how she is a victim and everyone is evil. she has a blood vendetta out on one of the sweetest kindest ladies you ever did see in my church. All that sweet lady supposedly did was roll her eyes or something for which she got chewed out to hell and back, (apparently chewing someone out doesn't count if she does it), and she blackballed the lady and her entire family for life, despite tearful apologies, and many good deeds having been done for her by the sweet lady in the past. I can give lists of personal violations, abuse, slander, attempted extortion and usury she did to me while I dated her step daughter, but if you met her at potluck at her church she would have you convinced before lunch was over I was a heartless monster and she is little Bo Peeps pet sheep. The irony here is I think some how she manages to believe every word of her twisted version, somehow white becomes black, and black white.

My point here isn't that you are like her, I have no idea what you are like, but there are times in the past when I missread the intentions of someone else because of my auti defences and triggers, and I reacted back far out of proportion to the offence, even if the offence had been real, and sometimes there really wasn't any offence at all, just a trigger that got stepped on accidently.

Basically I'm saying care should be taken not to scar some poor person for life with a over reaction, because it is often hard to be sure one has truly read the situation correctly. I hope I didn't offend you to much Beverly with my over honesty thing, it gets me in trouble all the time...please don't send your fan army after me... My life is hard enough with my own (NOT) fan club circling me looking for a weak point
Best wishes to you, Mael

 

[Beverly]

Oh definitely know the person and, once the issue at hand is settled, let it go, wait and see if the target/cause of the problem learned from the experience. I'm not going to go after blacklisting anyone unless I have repeated proof they need to be blacklisted.

Hearsay, second hand word of mouth means nothing to me but, If I see or hear it first hand and, it is hurting someone I care about I am not going to sit idly by and let anyone destroy my friends or loved ones.