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Featured An example of when bullying pushes someone too far

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by UberScout, May 15, 2018.

  1. UberScout

    UberScout How can I be so intelligent yet so ignorant?

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    Going to school, we had to deal with many things growing up. We had to deal with finding a date for the prom. We had to deal with solving that one really hard math problem on our homework. We had to deal with corrupt teachers and peers who let power over their respective classrooms go to their heads.

    But probably the worst thing we had to deal with, or face on our own, at least for me anyway...was the plague of bullies.

    We all know who they are; those kids who would follow us around, stealing from us, calling us horrible remarks, spreading lies and rumors, punching and kicking us when we didn't deserve it. We've done nothing at all to provoke these people and yet, they throw us around like a bored child with a ragdoll!! What do our peers do in the process? They stand by and watch, or worse, take their side!!!

    If we're unfortunate enough to have them on our path home from school, for those of us that walk home, they follow us there and continue their torment. Even outside of the halls of school, we weren't safe!

    And if you're like me, there are buttons that they push. Buttons that, when pushed, make all the bile inside us start to churn and poison us. And one day, they push the wrong button, and we get pushed over the edge. If we aren't brave enough to grab them by the shirt, yank them from their desk and throw them to the floor, punch-rushing them within an inch of their lives, we're smart enough to know what to say in a speech that makes THEM feel lower than society makes them.

    They have no right. They have no purpose.

    And this video is a perfect example of when someone gets pushed too far. Yes, it's from a sitcom, but this sitcom is designed to produce real situations.



    Your thoughts are welcome.
     
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  2. Mary Anne

    Mary Anne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Possibly heart wrenching and realistically well done. I am not sure what you need to get out of discussing this. I was bullied...I think most in these forums have been bullied. As a young person I was bullied and then went home to extreme physical and mental abuse too. I coped by cutting and injuring myself . This was a few decades before teachers or counselors even knew what self harm, or child abuse looked like.

    I had absolutely no means of escape. School and home were not safe.
     
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  3. tducey

    tducey Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, I went through bullying. It wasn't fun. I got through it but it wasn't fun to go to school and have to worry about being bullied every day.
     
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  4. ksheehan88

    ksheehan88 :)

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    I was bullied all through school into early adulthood. I fear this for my children so am teaching them to be resilient against name calling and to hit twice as hard when faced with physical bullying. All the "tell a grown up" nonsense is exactly that... nonsense. It doesn't stop the bullying, it only escalates it.
     
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  5. Mary Terry

    Mary Terry Well-Known Member

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    I agree. And, no doubt we are not politically correct in our views. I'm NT. NTs are bullied, too, especially those who are physically weaker or gay or "different" or meek and compliant when bullied.

    When I was a 5th grader, an older boy loved to bully me - a little girl - just because he could. One day on the school bus when he refused to close the window in a heavy rain storm and laughed because rain was soaking me, I snapped. I stood up, picked him up by the scruff of his neck, and threw him onto the center aisle floor of the bus. I then closed the window and sat down, glancing at the bus driver whom I was sure would get me in trouble, only to see the driver's eyes in the rear view mirror laughing about it. I did not get into trouble and became somewhat of a 5th grade heroine for standing up the 7th grader boy who was much larger than I. The bully did not bother anyone again, so embarrassed that a little 50-60 pound girl stood up to him and knocked the crap out of him. I vividly recall his subdued sheepish demeanor the next morning when the bus picked him up. Maybe he went on to become a criminal, a woman-hater, or an Incel, beats me. I just know I did the best thing possible to protect myself and the other little kids he picked on. And I learned a valuable life lesson to stand up for myself and others who needed protection.
     
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  6. WildCat

    WildCat and his scatterbrain V.I.P Member

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    Learn to set boundaries for yourself. Now. Forget what adults tell you in school, forget what authority tells you later in life...start standing up for yourself (within reason, obviously, I'm not saying act on your innermost dark fantasies here, don't do that) and start asserting yourself instead of being a doormat.

    Ugh...this is such a complex and touchy subject that I don't even know where to start, but if people really care about those they know with ASD all I can say is focus on practical solutions that work and build the person up, not knock them back down and set them up for more abuse. Bottom line.
     
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  7. pjcnet

    pjcnet Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It's not great putting this in a sitcom that is supposed to be funny, it would have been better in a soap or something else more serious because it is serious and what was with the "fake" laughing at the end? This kind of crap can happen however, even if it's not a gun it can cause someone to suddenly fight back, I've done that at school where I was pushed too far by constant bullying, I had a full meltdown, attacked and literally throw desks at someone, it could have easily killed him and where would that have left me, but he of course deserved some of his own medicine.

    The problem is in real life the teacher might pretend be all sympathetic while he has a gun, but once the immediate danger is resolved they probably wouldn't want to know, except to get the lad with the gun expelled for good so they don't have to worry about him any more. I've known enough teachers not care about bullying at all throughout all my school days. Even if you tell them they often don't want to know or worse they have a go at you instead. In fact some teachers even bullied me themselves when I was at school, E.g. my PE teacher and more, but in my day teachers were legally allowed to hit children. Once I hit a teacher back in a meltdown after he slapped me on the head first, he shouted at me when I wouldn't sit back down when he wouldn't do anything to help when I complained about being bullied in front of him in his class, having my things taken and broken, the bullies were laughing that he wouldn't help too and it was just too much. They tried to suspend me for it even though the teacher hit me first wrongfully, but my parents went nuts, I shouldn't have been in a "normal" comprehensive school (senior school or any other standard school), it was against all expert advice and the head teacher said, "it's not Paul's fault, it's just that we are not trained to deal with Paul here", but my parents still got me sent back there for more harsh treatment, I had an awful time and was bullied throughout. They said they did it because I wouldn't have had the same opportunities at a special school.
     
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  8. Mr Allen

    Mr Allen Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I was bullied throughout my school life as well, I often fought back, sometimes physically, so I spent a lot of time on the "naughty step" in the Head's office.

    I hated school especially secondary anyway, if I hadn't made friends with my ex girlfriend back then I would've walked out and caught the Bus home at Lunchtime on the first day it was that bad.
     
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  9. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

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    I was picked on and ridiculed a lot in school, primarily because my emotional development was so far behind my physical and mental - I would have breakdowns over the smallest things. I don't say I was "bullied" because it's such a loaded term now, and I don't know how the "bullying" I experienced compares to "bullying" today.

    I dealt with them in my own ways:

    1) One kid challenged me to a fight. I said of course I would fight him ... if he could figure out how to get me mad. I told him he wasn't smart enough to figure out how to get me mad. For the next 20 minutes, he tried everything, and all I had to do to win was laugh at his attempts. As someone else pointed out before, he could have just come up and punched me - I'm guessing he was just posturing and really didn't want to fight, but didn't want to lose face in front of his friends.

    2) Another kid would punch my arm every time we passed in the hallway. One time he passed by and forgot to do it, so I called him over and made him do it. Then I dismissed him and said, "Make sure it doesn't happen again." At the time, it was just my way of exercising some control over the situation, but it took the wind out of his sails and he stopped doing it shortly afterward.

    3) That same kid as in 2, I knew exactly how smart he was and wasn't, and I got good at coming up with jokes and insults that everyone else on the bus would understand, but he wouldn't. It gave me a sense of power - you beat me physically, I'll beat you mentally. But in retrospect, I was just contributing to the problem.

    4) Our science teacher graded on a curve, and I'm good at the science stuff. So if there were any kids that picked on me in the class, I worked extra hard to get 100% and ruin the curve. Again, feeling of power, I could have been nicer and de-escalated the situation.

    5) And then there were all those times I couldn't deal, broke down, etc. On a few occasions, I considered extreme measures. Every time I considered them, a voice in my head said, "It will get better." I trusted that voice. I never imagined how much better it could get. Things are Better. With a capital B, underscored, bold, and italicized. I like my life now.

    Going through those memories decades later, I realized that:

    A) The "bullies" really don't have any idea of what effect their actions have. It's not just lack of empathy - it's a complete misunderstanding of each other. I suspect many of them would have been kinder if they truly knew the effects they were having on me. I am in contact with a few of them and they are much kinder people today. I haven't brought up any past resentments to them, because those resentments are gone.

    B) I learned that what they do is about them, not me. It's what they are trying to do to make themselves feel better. Any target would have sufficed, and I just happened to be there.
     
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  10. onlything

    onlything something something V.I.P Member

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    There's one truth only: if you don't fight for yourself, no one will. That's just it. People can sing praises and babble about beauty and acceptance but in the end... For most it's a dog eat dog world and the stronger you are, the higher you stand.

    The harsher you fall.

    I'm not taking part in this rat race anymore and to hell with those that want to make me do all this again. If people don't give me a safe place, I'll create it. If they don't stop trying to hurt me, I'll leave them behind. I'm not proud of the time when I retaliated like an angry dog towards those foolish enough to attack me but if someone makes me, I'll do it again.

    Although I'd rather not have to step over my edge again. When you look into dark too long, it starts looking into you. If you cross the edge too often, it starts coming back on its own, without a reason like before. And the more it comes back, the less hesitant you are to cross it again... the less possible it is for you to come back at all.

    I don't want to connect as much as I used to. I just want to be left alone in peace and do my thing. You do you, I do me, we don't do each other, right? Live and let live. If only more people would be at least tolerant.
     
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  11. onlything

    onlything something something V.I.P Member

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    I wonder how many of these 'I snapped' stories are out there. In middle school, there was a girl that liked making fun of me as well, just because she could and found it funny, and I was too different in her little world of 'normal people' and 'freaks'. But yes, it's only so long you can ignore assholes around. Ironic that it was that little pitiful girl that pushed me over the edge with some stupid 'joke' that was to render me half-naked and humiliated before whole class. It was such an angry reaction that I realised what I was doing only after beating her to a pulp.

    I definitely wasn't a heroine afterwards though. More like this scary, crazy girl that has hurt poor P. Oh well. At least I was left alone. You know Suzanne Vega's 'Luka'? Yeah, sometimes it's better to be alone.
     
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  12. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    Nice little quote from Nietsche hidden away in there..
     
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  13. onlything

    onlything something something V.I.P Member

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    ;)
     
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  14. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

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    Want to enlighten those of us whose only exposure to culture is in yogurt?
     
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  15. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    I think his word was the abyss :
    So paraphrase.
     
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  16. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative

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    Yeah, I went through this crap myself. It did change me quite a bit, and those changes stuck.

    I got bullied alot starting in junior high. It was pretty miserable. I was always the weird geek that never spoke (why converse with idiots?) and so was constantly pestered. As always, the teachers never seemed to notice. Well, most. There was the occaisional one that I thought was deserving of some sort of prize, but the vast majority seemed to never spot the issue.

    Well.... until a point.

    See, I've never been a physical person, really. I was never big and tough, or heavy and difficult to push around. Frankly, if anything, I'm kinda feminine for a male (fine by me). So physical confrontation was out. Beyond that though, I felt that solution was bloody stupid. So, I came up with a different solution.

    Control. The idea was simple: If a bully will effectively self-destruct when they attempt something... they may learn to stop attempting it. They may learn that it's not such a bright move to mess with me after all. I still remember when this idea first came to me. It was in junior high, and for whatever reason the main hallway was mostly empty. I was probably off to my locker to get something I'd forgotten or who knows what. But I had my bookbag with me... I always had it with me. Because it was mine, that's why. As always though, jerks appeared. They snatched the thing, running off. The intent was obvious... get me to chase them like a damn fool. They ran down the stairs. I was about to run, but then had an idea. I watched from the railing as they reached the bottom, and stood near the door taunting me to come down. Glared at them for a second.... and then dashed in the opposite direction. I knew they werent very bright, and knew exactly what they would think: That I was simply going to go get help from one of the teachers who knew me. What I actually did though was simply run about 7 steps and then duck behind one of the huge doors. As expected, they quickly dashed back up.... and right past me. They stood there looking rather confused. I simply walked up behind them, and snatched the thing. The looks on their faces... priceless. They were dumb, but they still understood what happened: I had taken control from them, gotten them to do what I wanted, and without much effort.

    From then on, this was how I dealt with most situations. By simply controlling everything. Not that I did this constantly... even back then I was a fairly passive person. I tended to just ignore idiots like that. But if they got too annoying, I got nasty. I'd manipulate things into a situation where I would win by default, and they'd lose, with it being very apparent that I'd spent nearly no effort in making it happen.

    By senior year, none of them were dumb enough to get in my way anymore. Well... with one exception. The worst one that hounded me and many others non-stop no matter what. One of the very last things I remember doing at highschool is dealing with him. I came up with a plan that I now just refer to as "the petition". I wont go into details, but... without breaking any rules, I was able to get much of the faculty on my side... including the principal. They all knew me at this point, and getting them to intervene in exactly the way I wanted wasnt too hard. A bit complicated, but not too hard. What's more, I'd made it so that none of the other students would help the bully out. He was on his own. I'll never, ever forget the look he gave me at the end, when he realized who orchestrated the whole event.

    ....Also another thing that helped was my tendancy to carry a golf club everywhere in junior and senior years. Yes, an actual golf club. Walked all over school with the thing. I was in a seperate PE class, and we'd often go to the local driving range to hit golf balls... this was on tuesdays and thursdays. On those days, I brought my own club, but rather than put it in my locker I simply brought it everywhere. And I mean *everywhere*. Lunch, math class, the freaking bathroom. Tuesdays and thursdays, thusly, were the days I didnt need to manipulate a bloody thing. Oh, the faculty all knew me at that point... nobody thought I'd actually do anything with the club other than carry it around, and they were right. Bullies however were about as bright as a sack of hammers and never bothered to learn anything about me, so to them I was "unpredictable". The thing was never out of my reach for that reason... to give the impression, to the idiots, that I wouldnt hesitate to use it in my defense. Keep in mind that this was a very different time... the late 90s (I graduated in 2000). Nobody would get away with something like that these days, but.... yeah, things were different back then. And when I think about it, the club really was just another type of control.

    And that's become the thing. It's easy to get addicted to that type of control. I got so good at manipulating the hell out of everything that nobody notices when I'm doing it. Back when I used to work actual jobs, I'd use it to GET the job in the first place. And I remember the one time my boss (at a theatre I was at, at the time) tried to get me fired over HER mistake, I took her down with me. I realize, really, it can be kinda nasty... but honestly it's sort of a part of me now. The lasting effects of what those snotballs back in highschool did to me.

    People like that, they never care. They dont think of what long term effects they might be having. Maybe they should. But again, bright as a sack of hammers. As sensible as a box of hair. Thinking was never their strong suit, was it....


    There, that's my story, that probably accomplished bloody nothing, but I told it anyway. Yay.
     
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  17. ksheehan88

    ksheehan88 :)

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    This is pretty much how I ended up being left alone. Once I fought back I wasn't a vunerable target anymore.
    A group of "popular" girls started so I ended up in a fight with one of them. It was the last time they picked on me.

    Another girl who kept pretending to be my friend pushed me over the edge and I smashed her up against a wall by her throat and said in a low toned voice if she ever picked on me again I would leave her brains spattered on the wall. Last time she picked on me.

    Sure, it didn't gain me friends - but it meant I wasn't (at least openly) bullied anymore.
     
  18. onlything

    onlything something something V.I.P Member

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    Happy birthday Rex! It was rather loosely quoted. In original it's if I remember correctly more of a 'He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee.' Got sentiment for this one.
     
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  19. UberScout

    UberScout How can I be so intelligent yet so ignorant?

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    Yes...YES! This! This is what I dreamt of as a child! People who felt the same pain as me, coming together and rising up against the corruption! People who know what the better cause is and uniting as one to fight for it! I never got the chance to have this in school; it was me and me alone fighting the battles that chose me... And now, twelve years later, my wish is finally granted!

    We cannot let this fire of justice burn out. Let us take a stand against any kind of naysayer or wrongdoer that dares to cross us with disbelief! Let's begin the uprising!

    The Aspergers Uprising!
     
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  20. pjcnet

    pjcnet Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Autism is not a tribe, both NTs and people with autism should learn to accept and have tolerance of each other, threatening violence is not the best way forward, education, especially as children grow up is. Teachers and other adults should also be educated and should be there to step in when there's bullying and also be there for victims, this unfortunately seldom happened in my day.
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2018
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