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Featured Am I dumb?

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Brit, May 28, 2019.

  1. Brit

    Brit Active Member

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    This may be a silly post but I was just looking for some advice from you guys.

    I have been seeing an incredible guy for over 18 months. He doesn't want a girlfriend so we don't venture into that conversation anymore. It was a fairly turbulent start as I misunderstood his behaviour as 'gaming' (curt blunt messages, no phone calls, no relationship recognition etc.) I've come to terms with all that because I feel his love very strongly without all that.

    What I find very difficult now is that he is says very upsetting things to me. Almost Tourettes territory I feel. The c word, dumb b* etc. In fact when I looked especially hurt one day, that's precisely the link he made. He is incredibly funny so much of what he says does make me laugh, but then it gets to a point where its far too much and a little relentless.

    As im writing this I feel that perhaps ive led him to believe that all those comments are ok because by and large they make me laugh. I mean I never laugh at the really awful stuff, I just generally pull a very surprised/not impressed looking face. He sometimes explains in a half joking way that he says those things in order to create a balance. Im not sure what that really means.

    Im not very good at explaining how I feel myself, but last time he was being pretty offensive and I sort of started crying a little bit, he looked very hurt by my behaviour and made some comment about me trying to manipulate him with my tears. That wasn't my intention at all, in fact I didn't want him to see me crying at all because I know it stresses him.

    How do I fix this spiral? I love him, and suspect the change has to again come from me. Is there any advice you guys could give me? Do you think it is related to AS, or perhaps not even?
     
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  2. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just Enjoying Survival V.I.P Member

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    This guy is totally bad news.
    Sometimes we have to leave the ones we love.
    He will destroy you.
     
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  3. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Well-Known Member

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    Yes.

    Sorry, there's just no other way to put it.
     
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  4. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    At this point you're giving him signals that it's okay for him to call you names, and even worse, he has you feeling guilty when his inappropriate behavior makes you cry. He's the one that should be feeling guilty, not you. Crying because his words hurt you is not manipulative, and it should stress him out, because he's behaving out of line.
    You may not want to hear it, but that's abusive behavior right there. I suggest you move on and find someone that doesn't try to destroy your self-esteem.
     
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  5. Pinkie B

    Pinkie B Just Me

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    Maybe there's something you see that you're not expressing, but I can't see any reason to be involved with this person. I'm offending by how he is mistreating you. It sounds like classic misogynistic abuse to me. I would get away from him and to a safe place where you can get your head on straight and learn to see your own value. Guys like this will mess with your head.
     
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  6. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    Boundaries. Time for you to step up.

    ' I won't have you speak to me in that way.'

    Speak to me respectfully or leave.

    Try that.
    If he isn't abusive he will obey and/or realise (Blurry line,every is allowed emotions and mistakes)

    This is the life lesson it took me far to long to learn.

    Read all about boundaries.

    Practice it.

    Do it.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2019
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  7. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    What the hell does he mean by "balance"?

    Is it that if he's nice to you he thinks he must be equally nasty?

    Doesn't sound like a guy you should be hanging around for so far.
     
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  8. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Maybe I missed something but putting the behavior aside for a moment, is this guy on the spectrum? Or are you asking if he might be? Or are you on the spectrum?

    Sith philosophy?

    Palpatine-SWDestiny.jpg
     
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  9. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Brit, you're not dumb. You're being misguided by your heart. There's something about him that you are drawn to that you think is love. Maybe it's the need to win him over (not consciencely). But it's not going to improve. Matter of fact, the more comfortable he is mistreating you, the worse it will get. I hate to say it, but this thought also just occurred to me. He said he was not interested in a relationship - maybe he's trying to get you to stop pursuing him. I'm not saying you're actively pursuing, but he does know you wanted to be his girlfriend and he knows that doesn't just change, even if you've stopped talking about it. If you have any respect for yourself - get away from this guy.
     
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  10. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    It almost sounds like the OP is grasping at the notion of being able to maintain a codependent relationship of sorts. Not a good choice in any event. However in a nutshell, this isn't codependency, but simply abuse.

    You need to permanently separate this person from your social orbit and move on to meeting people who will treat you kindly- not abusively or co-dependently.

    IMO no relationship at all is better than maintaining much of any overtly toxic relationship.
     
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  11. Stardust Parade

    Stardust Parade Member

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    Sorry, but yes you are.
     
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  12. shysnail

    shysnail Well-Known Member

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    You say you "feel his love strongly" right at the beginning, despite his behaviour. This is a key part of the problem, I think. Love is not just a feeling. Love as a feeling is meaningless. Love is expressed through kindness, generosity and mutual respect. Nothing you've said in your post suggests he behaves towards you with any of those things.

    You're not dumb, but you're not in a good situation and it's not going to change. Even leaving aside that he thinks it's funny to refer to you in derogatory, misogynistic language, the fact that HE got annoyed when he pushed you to tears with his behaviour. No, no, no. That is an abusive dynamic right there.

    Run, don't walk from this one. I promise you, there is actual love out there for you. This is not it.
     
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  13. the_tortoise

    the_tortoise Lost Soul V.I.P Member

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    You can't change how he treats you. Only he can change how he treats you.

    All you can do is decide whether or not you're going to continue to put up with being mistreated.

    Mistreating/abusing your partner is not a normal part of being autistic.

    Even if the way he treats you is tied into things like extreme difficulties with perspective taking and emotional immaturity, that doesn't make it acceptable nor does it absolve him of responsibility for his behavior.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2019
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  14. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    So, he's trying to make you feel guilty for being upset when he is being verbally abuse towards you? Because what you are describing IS abuse, followed by gaslighting techniques to get away with it and make you feel like you are over reacting. This has nothing to do with AS. Not to say that autistic people can't be abusive and manipulative, but rather that autism is irrelevant to this, it is not an excuse for being an a**hole.

    The only way to "fix this spiral" is to remove yourself from the toxic relationship.
     
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  15. Pinkie B

    Pinkie B Just Me

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    That's seriously not cool to say.
     
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  16. GadAbout

    GadAbout Active Member

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    This is a confusing and difficult place to find yourself, Brit, but I'm sorry to say you are not being treated well and you should leave the relationship. Saying things like "I feel his love" is a smokescreen. Long story short, my dear - you can do better. You are way too young to settle, especially for an abusive guy.
     
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  17. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    I know. He didn't even give her a maths problem or anything...
     
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  18. JDShredds

    JDShredds Well-Known Member

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    First of all - no, you're not stupid. A bit too agreeable for your own good, though.

    I think this has more layers than we on the forum can truly understand - so I will not be one to just make a black and white statement demonizing his behavior. Also, your relationship dynamic seems ambiguous: would you call it a friendship? It sounds like you're interested and he's not, which can lead to some unhealthy dynamics in of itself.

    It sounds to me that while what was once an amusing friendship has turned into a bit of a tyrant dynamic, where you let him walk all over you with him saying whatever he wants because its "funny," and you letting him get away with overstepping boundaries that you didn't have the courage to enforce.

    Also, you have not specified if he is or is not on the spectrum, so that leaves us unsure how its relevant to this forum in particular. Someone on the spectrum (particularly young males) would be prone to leaning in that direction if they're not "told" they're overstepping boundaries, though.

    I have friendships that lean very heavily in the "blunt/crude" direction with humor, but its almost always from one male aspie to another, so we get its in good fun and a way of teasing each other. But that's also a typical male to male friendship dynamic. Its never so far that someone would get pushed to crying - and if we WERE upset by something (rare) we would bluntly retort with a fire back defending ourselves. Your dynamic, on the other hand, sounds WAY "out" of the "balance" that he seems to be aiming for.

    So, in short, you need to stand up for yourself. If he suddenly becomes a non-friend at that point, he was never your friend to begin with. You learn a lot about someone when you call them out on their crap. You need to set boundaries and be ready to walk away.

    As an aside: "I feel his love" sounds quite naive given the situation.
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2019
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  19. Nauti

    Nauti Well-Known Member

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    I agree with everything everyone has said here, even if, as you, say, you are happy in the "friend zone", he's not being a friend to you to treat you like that, he's not being kind and he's not valuing you the way you need to be valued by someone who is claiming friendship.

    Plus, if one person wants more than the other, well, you need to be brutally honest with yourself, isn't what you want, a relationship? He said that's not what he wants, so isn't it about time to free yourself up to find someone who does want to be with you, in that way?
    You, my dear, are not dumb, but you are not facing reality, because the reality hurts, but it's like when a band aid needs to come off, you just have to rip it off, it will hurt for a little while, but in the long term, you can heal better and you will find life richer and freer and having more promise for that short term pain.

    Short term pain for long term gain.

    My Aspie bf didn't want a relationship, at first, and I had to give him space, I had to break up with him, he wasn't ready. He genuinely wanted the friendship though, and we got there in the end. I had to back off. I couldn't be clingy because that made him feel trapped. I was a good friend, but I had to be a better friend to myself and not allow myself to be devalued by the situation. I'm still a good friend, and although our relationship isn't "conventional", we are besties and he treats me very well, most of the time.

    On the occasions he shouts at me, I have to stick up for myself, give him space, stand my ground, and he always apologises and is very sorry and loving afterwards. He never calls me names though, is never disrespectful like that. I couldn't allow myself to tolerate that.
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2019
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  20. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    Saying this abusive language is a way to create balance, I think, is like saying he is "putting you in your place". Knowing you care is another reason this type of person thinks they can be abusive.
    You care or love him so he knows he can abuse without fear of retaliation.
    I can understand you not wanting him to see you cry as that would probably just bring an angry
    statement of you being weak and earn another duragatory name sent your way.

    This will not change. Abusive people thrive on abuse and the feeling of power over others it gives them.
    Find a way out before you get so attached you might end up actually believing you deserve to be spoken to
    in this manner. Psychologically that can happen.
     
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