niajames1999
New Member
Well when I was a kid like 5 and 6 I was very social and I was I guess a bit hyper of a child very affectionate. But then at about 7 things changed a little for one my speech changed I got a bit of a lisp for a short while and I forgot words easy words like fridge and microwave and stove. I relearned them again. But I was a good speller at this time even and academically did very well. I was not very emotional and I remember thinking if my mom died that I would be ok as long as financially and socially things were the same for me the only issue was my grandfather was a child molester so I didn't want to have to live with my grandparents ever. Especially after all that came out.
Anyhow when I was 10 I found out my mom had been told by like two other people that they thought I was autistic. The first one well I had swimming classes with other boys my age 8 and 9 years old and I was really really shy and I talked to no one made no friends whatsoever that whole year when I was 8. Well I tried at 8 to socialize and I'd get ignored and I felt weird because I started developing very early physically so I never felt I fit in and I was bigger than all of them and I was the fastest swimmer out of all them.
Anyhow the issue was I got bored and would do things I guess that were mischievous and I really sometimes just wasn't thinking and I would sometimes hit or pull pranks on people just to see a reaction. It was boring sometimes so like one time someone had shoes just lying and I poor a lot water in them just to see how long before they deteriorated. I really didn't think about if someone else owned them I didn't think of the owner of the pants I set fire to either I just wanted to have like a little fun in the moment.
Generally speaking I did some stuff to be outright funny like my swim teacher told me to move this way I would move the complete opposite way just to do it. Not like I didn't know what I was doing though. Then one day I was getting out of hand and I got so bold I did what I normally did in front of the teacher and kept going even after he told me to stop. I sometimes run on that same drive and can't stop until it's like done. That was the teacher who said he thought I had autism.
Then just a year later I went and told my mom when I was 10 that I was being sexually abused by her father. And that brought on hell. I was actually getting into ice skating I had for 2 years and I developed small friendships at that time all to be flushed down the drain because I opened my big mouth about something that hadn't happened for 5 years. And I had to stop all activities and was like in lockdown for what? Like 5 years? I'd say.
I noticed by 10 I would try to social and I'd get ignored. I guess I give off that vibe that I am an odd ball. I have never tried to hide away from people. People run away from me. During this point though I got extreme anxiety. My mom got all scared someone was going to abuse me and she wouldn't let me out of her sight.
On top of it I went to a therapist connected with the whole abuse thing and I didn't really want to talk about any of that and she would ask my mom if I was autistic because I didn't like to give eye contact. And honestly I don't like to give eye contact to people who have eyes I don't like to look at and naturally I never did give eye contact until I was told that's what people do and even then I didn't like to give it unless the person has brown or green eyes. I am literally obsessed with green eyes. I also really really liked lights. Like staring at lights up until like 8 years old that's what I did on a regular basis. I stared at them it really was like calming for me.
Added to that I had issues with like stuff as a kid under 10. I always have a thing I need to do. It changes and honestly I don't have any reason to explain why I need to do it. Rather it's just something I really really want to do. More like an idiosyncrasy. I had a big issue with anything with a stain on it. And it got so bad I started jumping and ducking at times until one day I was like **** it and stopped cold turkey. I had similar things but more in a guess sophisticated way above 10 up until now but they don't bother me much it only bothers if someone lives with me.
Then when I was around the same age I always struggled with the term before and after left and right etc... I am left handed so this I believe is somewhat common. But this causes a third person the detective to think I was special needs possibly autistic. At the same time I had no issue with academics at all. I had poor handwriting skills pretty good at science and math generally.
By 13 I was really starving for attention so I would prank call people and get them to stay on the phone for hours just talking about random stuff. I really really craved llike social interaction from men when I was an early teen and tween it made me almost emotional. This point of seclusion I kind regressed in a sense I would freak out really bad at that time when things didn't go my way just to get my way basically to scare my mom she'd give me my way and I'd go back to normal.
Sometimes back then life felt more like games than anything like I wanted to win something no matter how insignificant that was to others. By 15, I kind of let that go because it stopped working my mom got a therapist and she diagnosed me with psychosis but failed to get me medicated because when I saw the psychiatrist I was completely calm and could lay how I truly felt instead of the repeated lies I had been telling my mother. Because at this point I needed to do the things I did well I wanted to do them my mom would raise issue with it so I would come up with any reason for her to let me do it.
Around this time I built an internet life and shortly before I turned 16 I got a boyfriend. Kind of secretly because my mother is and was a crazy religious zealot I wasn't even allowed to use the word gay. She'd make me use the word fairy to describe anything to do with lgbt people. Anyhow my ex introduced to some friends who introduced me to a place that his type of friends socialized at and it helped me socialize a little better but I always felt like people didn't like me being there that I was weird like I didn't belong like every time I tried to socialize that people ignored me. Then I got bad attention. Honestly though I loved the bad attention much more than isolation. Because I ended up breaking up with my ex and then some of the time I didn't know how to like turn someone down without like insulting them and then the whole turned it like a wild fire where no one liked me being there like I wasn't even tolerated so I was again solitaire.
But it did help me out of my shell also my last job helped with that as well. There I was pretty shy of people. And I like talked to no one. Like ever and stayed to myself but working like at what I do best which was with the customer I actually felt less uncomfortable with people irl.
But currently I see some commonalities in some ways for one I have at my current job I talk like one sidedly and really frankly I don't care anymore when it comes to the coworkers I'm usually trying to just waste time and they don't decide if I get paid so I don't care how they think of me. I don't really pay much attention to nonverbal cues I rather not pay attention to them I figure they're not going to be good. And I feel it'd something I can't change. I can't change how people feel about me or what they think of me.
So for me I never have been concerned about what someone is saying nonverbally because I figure the words matter more to otherwise if they want me to know they should tell me and if they won't then it's not supposed to be known to me. That's how I have always felt having accepted things the way they are. I just generally don't care I'd only care if I were like trying to manipulate someone and nothing in my life compels me to do that right now. So I don't see the point.
Also I read that people with autism are more likely to be lgbt. Which in part I always felt a little I guess simple compared to other people on that subject. Because for me I never understood gender. What it is to be a man or a woman. Since it's not about anything factual or tangible. Like sex is. For me gender expression has really made little sense. As it's something that changes from culture to culture it seems a bit made up to me.
Anyhow when I was 10 I found out my mom had been told by like two other people that they thought I was autistic. The first one well I had swimming classes with other boys my age 8 and 9 years old and I was really really shy and I talked to no one made no friends whatsoever that whole year when I was 8. Well I tried at 8 to socialize and I'd get ignored and I felt weird because I started developing very early physically so I never felt I fit in and I was bigger than all of them and I was the fastest swimmer out of all them.
Anyhow the issue was I got bored and would do things I guess that were mischievous and I really sometimes just wasn't thinking and I would sometimes hit or pull pranks on people just to see a reaction. It was boring sometimes so like one time someone had shoes just lying and I poor a lot water in them just to see how long before they deteriorated. I really didn't think about if someone else owned them I didn't think of the owner of the pants I set fire to either I just wanted to have like a little fun in the moment.
Generally speaking I did some stuff to be outright funny like my swim teacher told me to move this way I would move the complete opposite way just to do it. Not like I didn't know what I was doing though. Then one day I was getting out of hand and I got so bold I did what I normally did in front of the teacher and kept going even after he told me to stop. I sometimes run on that same drive and can't stop until it's like done. That was the teacher who said he thought I had autism.
Then just a year later I went and told my mom when I was 10 that I was being sexually abused by her father. And that brought on hell. I was actually getting into ice skating I had for 2 years and I developed small friendships at that time all to be flushed down the drain because I opened my big mouth about something that hadn't happened for 5 years. And I had to stop all activities and was like in lockdown for what? Like 5 years? I'd say.
I noticed by 10 I would try to social and I'd get ignored. I guess I give off that vibe that I am an odd ball. I have never tried to hide away from people. People run away from me. During this point though I got extreme anxiety. My mom got all scared someone was going to abuse me and she wouldn't let me out of her sight.
On top of it I went to a therapist connected with the whole abuse thing and I didn't really want to talk about any of that and she would ask my mom if I was autistic because I didn't like to give eye contact. And honestly I don't like to give eye contact to people who have eyes I don't like to look at and naturally I never did give eye contact until I was told that's what people do and even then I didn't like to give it unless the person has brown or green eyes. I am literally obsessed with green eyes. I also really really liked lights. Like staring at lights up until like 8 years old that's what I did on a regular basis. I stared at them it really was like calming for me.
Added to that I had issues with like stuff as a kid under 10. I always have a thing I need to do. It changes and honestly I don't have any reason to explain why I need to do it. Rather it's just something I really really want to do. More like an idiosyncrasy. I had a big issue with anything with a stain on it. And it got so bad I started jumping and ducking at times until one day I was like **** it and stopped cold turkey. I had similar things but more in a guess sophisticated way above 10 up until now but they don't bother me much it only bothers if someone lives with me.
Then when I was around the same age I always struggled with the term before and after left and right etc... I am left handed so this I believe is somewhat common. But this causes a third person the detective to think I was special needs possibly autistic. At the same time I had no issue with academics at all. I had poor handwriting skills pretty good at science and math generally.
By 13 I was really starving for attention so I would prank call people and get them to stay on the phone for hours just talking about random stuff. I really really craved llike social interaction from men when I was an early teen and tween it made me almost emotional. This point of seclusion I kind regressed in a sense I would freak out really bad at that time when things didn't go my way just to get my way basically to scare my mom she'd give me my way and I'd go back to normal.
Sometimes back then life felt more like games than anything like I wanted to win something no matter how insignificant that was to others. By 15, I kind of let that go because it stopped working my mom got a therapist and she diagnosed me with psychosis but failed to get me medicated because when I saw the psychiatrist I was completely calm and could lay how I truly felt instead of the repeated lies I had been telling my mother. Because at this point I needed to do the things I did well I wanted to do them my mom would raise issue with it so I would come up with any reason for her to let me do it.
Around this time I built an internet life and shortly before I turned 16 I got a boyfriend. Kind of secretly because my mother is and was a crazy religious zealot I wasn't even allowed to use the word gay. She'd make me use the word fairy to describe anything to do with lgbt people. Anyhow my ex introduced to some friends who introduced me to a place that his type of friends socialized at and it helped me socialize a little better but I always felt like people didn't like me being there that I was weird like I didn't belong like every time I tried to socialize that people ignored me. Then I got bad attention. Honestly though I loved the bad attention much more than isolation. Because I ended up breaking up with my ex and then some of the time I didn't know how to like turn someone down without like insulting them and then the whole turned it like a wild fire where no one liked me being there like I wasn't even tolerated so I was again solitaire.
But it did help me out of my shell also my last job helped with that as well. There I was pretty shy of people. And I like talked to no one. Like ever and stayed to myself but working like at what I do best which was with the customer I actually felt less uncomfortable with people irl.
But currently I see some commonalities in some ways for one I have at my current job I talk like one sidedly and really frankly I don't care anymore when it comes to the coworkers I'm usually trying to just waste time and they don't decide if I get paid so I don't care how they think of me. I don't really pay much attention to nonverbal cues I rather not pay attention to them I figure they're not going to be good. And I feel it'd something I can't change. I can't change how people feel about me or what they think of me.
So for me I never have been concerned about what someone is saying nonverbally because I figure the words matter more to otherwise if they want me to know they should tell me and if they won't then it's not supposed to be known to me. That's how I have always felt having accepted things the way they are. I just generally don't care I'd only care if I were like trying to manipulate someone and nothing in my life compels me to do that right now. So I don't see the point.
Also I read that people with autism are more likely to be lgbt. Which in part I always felt a little I guess simple compared to other people on that subject. Because for me I never understood gender. What it is to be a man or a woman. Since it's not about anything factual or tangible. Like sex is. For me gender expression has really made little sense. As it's something that changes from culture to culture it seems a bit made up to me.
