Alter Egos

[The Phantom]

Hey guys,

so recently I have discovered something rather interesting about myself, to say the least (lol).
As some of you may know, while I on occasion enjoy 'girly' interests and fashion, usually I'm pretty neutral, and leaning towards masculine in clothing and general behavior. Especially my friends and sens of humor. I tend to crack a lot of jokes that people find really funny, but are definitely the kind of jokes made by boys (not as in toilet humor haha, I mean just things that would be funny for guys to say. It's kind of hard to explain)
But aside form that, especially when I'm acting more girly, I tend to be very shy, and in general have very low self-esteem. I also have very bad anxiety, especially when it comes to the internet, because the things I see and read about tend to scare me (as in news, or comments people leave). I tend to flip from being shy to witty, and that's a reason some people don't believe that I (possibly) have aspergers. But I've noticed that it's when I'm acting more masculine that I tend to be more confident, funny, and perhaps even a bit happier and not caring about what others think.
Also, something worth noting is my profile. While many female fans of Phantom of the Opera like to relate to Christine, I, as a girl, prefer to be like the Phantom. I just love the whole powerful voice + snazzy outfit lol. It's just more fun to imagine being him. Plus I can relate to the facial deformity and wanting to wear a mask (not actually deformed, but people can sure make me feel like it sometimes ) And in a lot of my drama performances I like to take on a male character, because I tend to find them more fun to play.
Anyway, moving on to the main point. Today I was looking around my closet, and i decided to dress as a boy. It's not something out of the ordinary, I do this occasionally (inside my house, never in public save for drama) and it's funny when my parents tell me I look like my cousin haha. I usually wear some baggy shorts and this old school jacket that's super huge, and pair it with a hat. I was testing on different hats (beanie, fedora, newsboy hat) and I tried on a flat-rimmed baseball cap. It didn't fit on my hair (Super thick hair) so I tried it on backwards. For some reason that flipped some sort of switch. I've done this before for a couple of minutes, but today I wanted to stay that way for the rest of the day. I had wished I had clothes that looked more authentic. It was odd, but i just wished I had stayed like that. I liked imagining myself with the same kind of humor, and making all those jokes, and hanging out with the guys like a guy would. I've always had this side of my personality, but it only comes out in situations where I"m acting more like a boy. I found myself looking in the mirror doing a heavy New Jersey (my home state) accent and acting like a hoodlum (LOL). I don't know how to explain, but it just really clicked with me and it fit so well. It was this different side of me that in real life would rarely (if ever) come out.
But the main point is, after I did that, I found that when I saw people being nasty on the internet (to each other, saying awful things about certain groups of people ) I really didn't care. I have been trying recently to acquire this attitude, but it was still hard when I saw people getting called awful things online. But at that point I was just thinking 'whatever, who cares about what you think.' and 'and felt like I could apply this to when other people were saying mean things to me.
My point being, I feel like this alter ego has brought out the stronger side of me, and is helping me cope with my feelings. Many people who know me as a shy kid are often surprised to learn about my sense of humor or that I do dance and drama, and people who know me as the performer are often shocked to learn how shy I am in person. This is because normally I'm quiet, but when I do drama it brings out this very confident, character-driven side of me. Today I've discovered an alter-ego who is really just a representation of another side of me, and who helps me cope with my feelings.
So I was wondering if any of you guys have alter egos/personas (would love to hear about them ) and possibly if like me, they help with your mental health. This also goes for nay fellow thespians/performers.

Thanks!

 

[Mia]

Hi Phantom

That's very interesting, that you feel stronger and in control when you take that persona on. Suppose that its a cultural thing too, as most of the movies and media portray men as more capable. It's good that you can do this, explore parts of yourself that are not as culturally stigmatized as they used to be. Although its still considered a 'no no' for males to dress as women, even though they do on occasion, mainly for comedic purposes.

Some women dressed in the last century as men, a few joined and fought in the civil war for example. Some female writers had male sounding pen names when they wrote, and some women and girls dressed in male attire so they could play sports.

As for me personally I am in touch with both aspects of self, the female and the male side. Likely because I never understood the differences that keep both sexes apart and distinct from one another. Have done many unconventional things, because I am interested in many things and if you told me that I was not able to do something I would want to do it even more. My Mother used to tell me that I was 'just like my Father' she meant it as an insult and to this day I think of it as a compliment. So it really is important to discover these things.

 

[karen70]

Through my childhood/adolescence I had always felt that I should have been a boy and my dream (if you like) was to join the army and shoot the enemy.
Upon leaving school I went to the careers office and was totally mortified to find that women had to join a 'career' in the army and not simply become a soldier. Gutted.
I can be feminine but can't really keep it up, all that messing about without make-up to look female is quite a drag (pardon the pun) however i'm not a boy either.

Odd. But yes I get what you're saying.

 

[The Phantom]

Hi Phantom

That's very interesting, that you feel stronger and in control when you take that persona on. Suppose that its a cultural thing too, as most of the movies and media portray men as more capable. It's good that you can do this, explore parts of yourself that are not as culturally stigmatized as they used to be. Although its still considered a 'no no' for males to dress as women, even though they do on occasion, mainly for comedic purposes.

Some women dressed in the last century as men, a few joined and fought in the civil war for example. Some female writers had male sounding pen names when they wrote, and some women and girls dressed in male attire so they could play sports.

As for me personally I am in touch with both aspects of self, the female and the male side. Likely because I never understood the differences that keep both sexes apart and distinct from one another. Have done many unconventional things, because I am interested in many things and if you told me that I was not able to do something I would want to do it even more. My Mother used to tell me that I was 'just like my Father' she meant it as an insult and to this day I think of it as a compliment. So it really is important to discover these things.

Hi Mia ,

that's definitely a good point you make about cultural norms and such. That could very well play a part, though I of course have never bought into the idea of only men being able to do certain things, thankfully . I do take on this side of my personality without the alter ego, especially when I was a bit younger and much less controlled (especially when I had more confidence) but it was a bit out of control for a young girl my age, and earned me a bit of teasing. I would yell, kick, slap, anything. But now with this alter ego I really feel like a boy, and feel like I can hang out with them without them seeing me as different. This is not just a gender thing, I also mean different as in my race (sadly, the boys in my school that are my age don't consider girls how aren't white attractive, so without being a girl my ethnicity wouldn't matter to them) as well as personality (because I'm considered 'weird' or 'creepy' to some, but with this persona I can both turn those parts of me into comedy, as well as not really care about what the other kids say, because with this alter ego I'm tougher, funnier, wittier, and I know I'm better than the stupid kids around me
This kind of reminds me of what you said about women dressing as men or acting as men in society in the past to do things they couldn't do otherwise. In an odd way, that does sound like what I'm saying.
Like you, I've done things that girls aren't supposed to do, such as saying things or making certian jokes. While people are okay with it, they definitely get really shocked lol.
Funnily enough, just like you, I've been told I'm just like my father, though it was an insult. I take my overly-sensitive nature from my mom, but at the same time I'm hot-blooded, hot-headed, and sometimes very unapologetic, just like my father. This angers my mother sometimes, because of her sensitivity, but sometimes I can't help it, and I don't care. While both my parents are good people of course, I rather be like my father in that sense (provided, with some slight moderation) because he doesn't need other peoples approval of himself to be happy, he just doesn't care. That's what I've been trying to do for a long time.

Through my childhood/adolescence I had always felt that I should have been a boy and my dream (if you like) was to join the army and shoot the enemy.
Upon leaving school I went to the careers office and was totally mortified to find that women had to join a 'career' in the army and not simply become a soldier. Gutted.
I can be feminine but can't really keep it up, all that messing about without make-up to look female is quite a drag (pardon the pun) however i'm not a boy either.

Odd. But yes I get what you're saying.

Hi Karen,

interesting story! I always identified more with boys in books I've read, though I don't really know why.
In the end, my dreams and goals aren't very masculine, but I've always wanted to act that way in everyday life with my friends.
That's really terrible that you learned you couldn't do what you had dreamed up. And i get what you're saying about keeping up with being feminine, I only do that when I have the time and feel like putting in the effort. Some days I dress rnadomly or with no effort (or just very plainly) because school is a place of learning, not a fashion show
Like the pun

Thanks!

 

[Tom]

In some respects, as an Aspie I feel like a large portion of my life in the presence of others is an act. Sometimes it is probably an alter ego. But is that just an act that I happen to like playing? Other times it is clearly an act I would not assume except it seems necessary in the circumstances.

But there is logic and utility to acting in life for all people. For example, you are expected to act professionally on the job, you are expected to act tough on the sports field, you are expected to act as the Romans do when in Rome.

I believe however that what you are inside, is not simply the sum of your acts or your default one.

 

[karen70]

Hi Mia ,

that's definitely a good point you make about cultural norms and such. That could very well play a part, though I of course have never bought into the idea of only men being able to do certain things, thankfully . I do take on this side of my personality without the alter ego, especially when I was a bit younger and much less controlled (especially when I had more confidence) but it was a bit out of control for a young girl my age, and earned me a bit of teasing. I would yell, kick, slap, anything. But now with this alter ego I really feel like a boy, and feel like I can hang out with them without them seeing me as different. This is not just a gender thing, I also mean different as in my race (sadly, the boys in my school that are my age don't consider girls how aren't white attractive, so without being a girl my ethnicity wouldn't matter to them) as well as personality (because I'm considered 'weird' or 'creepy' to some, but with this persona I can both turn those parts of me into comedy, as well as not really care about what the other kids say, because with this alter ego I'm tougher, funnier, wittier, and I know I'm better than the stupid kids around me
This kind of reminds me of what you said about women dressing as men or acting as men in society in the past to do things they couldn't do otherwise. In an odd way, that does sound like what I'm saying.
Like you, I've done things that girls aren't supposed to do, such as saying things or making certian jokes. While people are okay with it, they definitely get really shocked lol.
Funnily enough, just like you, I've been told I'm just like my father, though it was an insult. I take my overly-sensitive nature from my mom, but at the same time I'm hot-blooded, hot-headed, and sometimes very unapologetic, just like my father. This angers my mother sometimes, because of her sensitivity, but sometimes I can't help it, and I don't care. While both my parents are good people of course, I rather be like my father in that sense (provided, with some slight moderation) because he doesn't need other peoples approval of himself to be happy, he just doesn't care. That's what I've been trying to do for a long time.



Hi Karen,

interesting story! I always identified more with boys in books I've read, though I don't really know why.
In the end, my dreams and goals aren't very masculine, but I've always wanted to act that way in everyday life with my friends.
That's really terrible that you learned you couldn't do what you had dreamed up. And i get what you're saying about keeping up with being feminine, I only do that when I have the time and feel like putting in the effort. Some days I dress rnadomly or with no effort (or just very plainly) because school is a place of learning, not a fashion show
Like the pun

Thanks!

Just goes to show us aspies especially the younger generation NEED educating, else we just stay in our little dark boxes!!!!

I went to college to learn how to cook, though my washing the dishes and ironing skills were bang on... I got brought up with those SKILLS.

 

[Tom]

Through my childhood/adolescence I had always felt that I should have been a boy and my dream (if you like) was to join the army and shoot the enemy.
Upon leaving school I went to the careers office and was totally mortified to find that women had to join a 'career' in the army and not simply become a soldier. Gutted.

If you are in USA that has recently changed. I believe all military jobs are now open to women, including combat specialties like Infantry, Special Forces, etc. Some like Navy Seals are still in implementation process however.

 

[Jimbo]

My daughter, who you can see in my avatar, has always dressed like a boy. Camo jacket, jeans and tee shirt. She also has always liked boy toys Iike trucks and guns. She plays baseball in a mostly boys league and is one of the best players. I'm pretty sure she is an aspie as well as I am. She was adopted so she didn't catch it from me.

I have often wondered if she will pick up a different identity at some point. Being an aspie myself I have noticed that other people seem to be real. They know who they are and in most cases they don't have to act.

Up until recently I never really knew who the real me was, but I'm sort of figuring it out and am learning to be my real self instead of something I'm not. I have to say, I kind of like the real me.

I would urge you to discover who the real you is and run with it. If you are pure tomboy like my daughter then so be it. Be the best you that you can be. I'm sure you are a beautiful person.

 

[Crossbreed]

I think this is similar. As a caregiver for my LFA 21yo daughter, I have to get into a womanly frame of mind to manage some of her needs like her period, PMS, bras, etc. Mom is still on hand to help, but not an official guardian. I am not particularly grossed out by her blood, but I still try to avoid it as it is hard to clean out of clothes. I have no desire to turn into a woman, otherwise.

 

[karen70]

If you are in USA that has recently changed. I believe all military jobs are now open to women, including combat specialties like Infantry, Special Forces, etc. Some like Navy Seals are still in implementation process however.

Now, that's a bummer as I am now too old ha ha

 

[The Phantom]

Just goes to show us aspies especially the younger generation NEED educating, else we just stay in our little dark boxes!!!!

I went to college to learn how to cook, though my washing the dishes and ironing skills were bang on... I got brought up with those SKILLS.

Agreed!

Being honest I'm not very good at any of those, though I'm alright at washing dishes. But thankfully I still have time to learn

My daughter, who you can see in my avatar, has always dressed like a boy. Camo jacket, jeans and tee shirt. She also has always liked boy toys Iike trucks and guns. She plays baseball in a mostly boys league and is one of the best players. I'm pretty sure she is an aspie as well as I am. She was adopted so she didn't catch it from me.

I have often wondered if she will pick up a different identity at some point. Being an aspie myself I have noticed that other people seem to be real. They know who they are and in most cases they don't have to act.

Up until recently I never really knew who the real me was, but I'm sort of figuring it out and am learning to be my real self instead of something I'm not. I have to say, I kind of like the real me.

I would urge you to discover who the real you is and run with it. If you are pure tomboy like my daughter then so be it. Be the best you that you can be. I'm sure you are a beautiful person.

Interesting point about 'real' people. I get what you mean by that some people are tury themselves, know who they are, and don't feel the need to change. I'm still trying to become like that, but hopefully I will someday. ANd thank you so much for the kind words

I think this is similar. As a caregiver for my LFA 21yo daughter, I have to get into a womanly frame of mind to manage some of her needs like her period, PMS, bras, etc. Mom is still on hand to help, but not an official guardian. I am not particularly grossed out by her blood, but I still try to avoid it as it is hard to clean out of clothes. I have no desire to turn into a woman, otherwise.

That is similar, taking on a different frame of mind to be able to do certain things. Good point!

In some respects, as an Aspie I feel like a large portion of my life in the presence of others is an act. Sometimes it is probably an alter ego. But is that just an act that I happen to like playing? Other times it is clearly an act I would not assume except it seems necessary in the circumstances.

But there is logic and utility to acting in life for all people. For example, you are expected to act professionally on the job, you are expected to act tough on the sports field, you are expected to act as the Romans do when in Rome.

I believe however that what you are inside, is not simply the sum of your acts or your default one.

Now that I think of it, my whole school life could very well be an act, because on someday I act as socially apt as my other friends. Needs some investigation though.

 

[Tom]

Now that I think of it, my whole school life could very well be an act, because on someday I act as socially apt as my other friends. Needs some investigation though.

At age 15, taking advantage of a move and change of schools, I devoted myself entirely to fitting it/socializing. At the time it seemed the most important thing in the world to me, and I dropped having goals, caring about grades, etc, etc. Rather then have one single group, I tried to gain acceptance into as many as possible. So I was actively morphing (and aware of it). Although somewhat sucessfull, it was also derailing and dead-endish. I did finally have a realization, on my first trip outside of the country, that there was a big world out there, and it was time to move on.