Aggressiveness in Aspergers Children and Teens

[Pedro]

Aggressiveness in Aspergers Children and Teens
23.8.11

Question

My son will be 11 in September. There are so many issues, but the biggest concern now is the aggression associated with his meltdowns. The aggression is getting worse, both physical and verbal. He uses foul language, hits, kicks, spits and threatens to kill me. I am desperate for a solution of some kind. I don't know what I should do when these meltdowns occur. They start the minute I pick him up from school. He does not have this problem at school. Since school started back last week he has had a major meltdown every day. I know that school (he's at a new school this year) is a major stressor. He's completely uncooperative with homework and as I said above, the aggression associated w/ these tantrums is escalating. I am desperate for help.


Answer

Many Aspergers kids do not have the social skills or self-control to manage their behavior. These must be taught. When kids can?t find the words to deal with aggressive feelings or are not encouraged to express themselves, they become frustrated. At other times, kids cannot cope with growing levels of anger in themselves or in others. In both cases, kids need to learn acceptable ways to assert themselves and to learn coping skills.

For Aspies to outgrow their aggressive ways, they need positive, consistent, nurturing discipline. They need to learn positive problem-solving techniques. Parents need to place kids in environments that offer a setting and support for learning positive social behavior rather than aggressive, hostile, antisocial acts.

Try some of these options:

1. Observe to get the facts. Keep a log to find the theme of what triggers the acts of aggression ? then help the youngster steer clear of these activities.

2. Share your notes or journal with the teachers. Compare to see if similar behaviors are triggered at home and at school.

3. Take a look at the environment. Is some activity or room arrangement causing anxiety or frustration? Does the youngster feel crowded, or is he bored for too long? Does the youngster have enough personal space?

4. For school-age kids, write a plan of action for what the youngster will do when the negative behavior occurs.

5. Make a list of activities to do ?instead? (play with Play-Doh, run around the house, vacuum, draw, take a bath, etc.). Use a picture graph if the youngster can?t read.

6. Recognize success. ?Even though I could tell you were mad, that was a great way you controlled your anger!?

7. Teach the youngster deep breathing and visualization relaxation exercises.

8. During a calm time, talk with the youngster so he understands the consequences of actions. Bedtimes are often quiet times for talking.

9. Accept your youngster and understand his unique temperament. While his behavior will be challenging at times, remain patient and supportive.

10. Tell your youngster how you expect him to behave. You will need to keep telling the youngster. Be specific and positive. Rather than saying, ?Don?t hit,? ?say, ?Hitting hurts. Please use your words.?

11. Be consistent so kids know what to expect.

12. Organize the home environment; set limits on what the youngster may use.

13. Limit access to aggressive toys (e.g., swords, guns).

14. Monitor television for aggressive shows.

15. Watch television with your youngster, and comment on the content.

16. Sing songs and tell stories about feelings and frustrations. Talk about what anger may feel like.

17. Allow some independence by providing a help-yourself shelf with blocks, art supplies, puzzles, or other things. Define where kids may use these materials. Provide enough materials so kids don?t have to wait to use them and become frustrated.

18. Allow transition time between activities; give a five-minute warning that the activity will change or it is ?time to come in from play.?

19. Be a model for controlled behavior, and avoid angry outbursts and violence.

20. Monitor out-of-home activity. Know where they are and whom they are with.

21. Avoid extreme permissiveness, laxness, and tolerance OR too much structure and too many demands.

22. Figure out what the youngster needs?attention, security, control, or to feel valued. Try to fill the need so he won?t continue to act undesirably.

23. Use closeness for control. When you sense your youngster is about to lose control, quietly and gently move close. Often your calm presence is enough to settle your youngster.

24. Help kids talk to each other to solve problems. Ask open-ended questions to help them think about options to solve their own problems.

25. Give kids choices so they feel empowered. Offer two acceptable choices.

26. Redirect your youngster. If your youngster is pushing, hitting, or grabbing, move him in another direction and into another activity. Stay by his side until he is positively engaged.

27. If your youngster is misusing a toy or destroying it in an aggressive manner, remove it. Get out Play-Doh, arrange an interlude of water play, or direct your youngster to his sandbox. These tactile experiences often magically quiet aggression.

28. Remove your out-of-control youngster from the scene. Hold the youngster, go for a walk, or go to another room. Stay with him until all is calm.

29. Be your youngster?s control. If your youngster is hitting another, your words may not be enough to stop the aggression. You must move in and gently but firmly stop the behavior. You provide the control your youngster lacks. In time, your control transfers to your youngster. Say, ?I?ll keep you from hitting your sister.?

30. Note improved behaviors: ?I like the way you used words to solve that problem.?

31. Avoid difficult situations. If you know going to the park where there are lots of children sends your youngster into an aggressive tirade, avoid going. Find a less-stimulating setting where your child can achieve more social success.

32. Seek support yourself when you need a break.

33. Banish punching bags. If you have a youngster who is aggressive, realize that the effect of ?hit the punching bag, not Jo,? has not proven effective for reducing aggressive attacks.

34. Prepare the youngster. Before your youngster meets new friends, tell him what behavior you expect. With young kids, remind them that people don?t like to be hit or pushed.

35. If all of your strategies have been used to no avail, seek counseling or assistance in developing a youngster/family plan to learn aggression management.

Source/Original article: My Aspergers Child: Aggressiveness in Aspergers Children and Teens

 

[epath13]

I wouldn't say I was aggressive all the time but lots of times. Some of the techniques might work but usually they don't...we don't leave in an ideal world where everybody highly intelligent, respectful and understanding. But I can tell you which ones could work for me and for my older son (who displays very similar type of aggressiveness sometimes)


3. Take a look at the environment. Is some activity or room arrangement causing anxiety or frustration? Does the youngster feel crowded, or is he bored for too long? Does the youngster have enough personal space? -

6. Recognize success. ?Even though I could tell you were mad, that was a great way you controlled your anger!? - works very well at least for us

7. Teach the youngster deep breathing and visualization relaxation exercises. - just wanted to mention - good luck with that, some kids will find it interesting, some will say:"what's the hell?" you do have to be emotionally and intellectually ready for that kind of stuff

8. During a calm time, talk with the youngster so he understands the consequences of actions. Bedtimes are often quiet times for talking.- also...it's not that easy as it seems. kids might tell you anything just to get rid of you


18. Allow transition time between activities; give a five-minute warning that the activity will change or it is ?time to come in from play.? - yes

19. Be a model for controlled behavior, and avoid angry outbursts and violence. - absolutely

20. Monitor out-of-home activity. Know where they are and whom they are with. - kids might not like it but yes.

22. Figure out what the youngster needs?attention, security, control, or to feel valued. Try to fill the need so he won?t continue to act undesirably.- yes, but sometimes it's none of it, it's not psychological at all

27. If your youngster is misusing a toy or destroying it in an aggressive manner, remove it. Get out Play-Doh, arrange an interlude of water play, or direct your youngster to his sandbox. These tactile experiences often magically quiet aggression. - that's interesting actually, I wish my patents new that lots of my toys might have not been destroyed


What do you think about this article, Pedro and anger management in people on the spectrum?

 

[Pedro]

Epath, I will be honest with you. It seems to me the person who wrote this tried to translate animal training to education of kids with Asperger's. I guess he or she would like to have the kid on a leash. In my honest opinion, my generation (I'm 29) was raised by a generation who had no clue about parenting. I can't explain why my parent's generation is like that at the moment. I do have some ideas, but I still think about it. The question that strikes me the most is: how could the previous generation completely forget what it is to be a kid!? For Heaven's sake people are treating youngsters as babies. That can't do any good. To make myself brief: I wished my parents talked to me a lot more. But not about how my day at school was. I needed them to talk about life. I strongly believe that kids from a very early age are able to grasp concepts much deeper and meaningful than those they're told about nowadays.

To be more specific: if I had a kid who like me had a bad temper, I would have a lot of conversations. Real talks. I'd show my kid what life is from my point of view, from others' points of view, what it can be. I would be very clear about my what is expected of him/her and why (which is the most important part and also the most neglected). I would never tether my kid or remove a toy that's being wrecked. As for the hitting and kicking, if the situation has come this far, it's the parent's fault. No wonder the only solutions the "doctor" comes up with are physical. I believe a small lady can be pretty imposing without raising her voice or laying a hand.

But what do I know?

 

[epath13]

Epath, I will be honest with you. It seems to me the person who wrote this tried to translate animal training to education of kids with Asperger's. I guess he or she would like to have the kid on a leash. In my honest opinion, my generation (I'm 29) was raised by a generation who had no clue about parenting. I can't explain why my parent's generation is like that at the moment. I do have some ideas, but I still think about it. The question that strikes me the most is: how could the previous generation completely forget what it is to be a kid!? For Heaven's sake people are treating youngsters as babies. That can't do any good. To make myself brief: I wished my parents talked to me a lot more. But not about how my day at school was. I needed them to talk about life. I strongly believe that kids from a very early age are able to grasp concepts much deeper and meaningful than those they're told about nowadays.

To be more specific: if I had a kid who like me had a bad temper, I would have a lot of conversations. Real talks. I'd show my kid what life is from my point of view, from others' points of view, what it can be. I would be very clear about my what is expected of him/her and why (which is the most important part and also the most neglected). I would never tether my kid or remove a toy that's being wrecked. As for the hitting and kicking, if the situation has come this far, it's the parent's fault. No wonder the only solutions the "doctor" comes up with are physical. I believe a small lady can be pretty imposing without raising her voice or laying a hand.

But what do I know?

I agree with you on some parts. My dad is most likely an Aspie himself, talked to me only about science. My mom, who is great so as my dad, but she's made one mistake when tried to teach me about life disregarding my position completely. I was one of those kids who needed long talks. I was an analytic but not that many people was interested in my analysis. My son is a little different though, sometimes he likes talking but he's more of an observer. He observes and accepts whatever he thinks he observes. In his case conversations rarely work even though he's still young (he's going to be 6 in September). When he has a meltdown he describes it as if his brain falls apart and he can't stop it. At this point the only thing that works is removing him from the situation and placing him in a quiet environment. It always works. Lots of times I just tell him no matter how much he screams, to go to a quiet place and relax, then he comes back happy as if nothing happened. I know how it feels. As a kid I had not only regular melt down but also anger outbursts which most likely connected to temporal lobe issues, one moment I would be calm and in a second destroying toys and heating walls. Sometimes kids just have to be directed and shown what to do in those situations.

OK my comment is kinda scattered but I think what I'm trying to say is that talking is important but sometimes you just need to show your kid different ways to deal with frustration, like a quiet place, sensory toys (like play dough, sand) might actually work as well, pressure will work for some kids (like simple hug might work, or as we call it in my family "squeezy hug") or anything else like that. Breathing techniques can be useful but my son for instance found the idea silly.

hope you can make sense out of it all

 

[Pedro]

I agree with you on some parts. My dad is most likely an Aspie himself, talked to me only about science. My mom, who is great so as my dad, but she's made one mistake when tried to teach me about life disregarding my position completely. I was one of those kids who needed long talks. I was an analytic but not that many people was interested in my analysis. My son is a little different though, sometimes he likes talking but he's more of an observer. He observes and accepts whatever he thinks he observes. In his case conversations rarely work even though he's still young (he's going to be 6 in September). When he has a meltdown he describes it as if his brain falls apart and he can't stop it. At this point the only thing that works is removing him from the situation and placing him in a quiet environment. It always works. Lots of times I just tell him no matter how much he screams, to go to a quiet place and relax, then he comes back happy as if nothing happened. I know how it feels. As a kid I had not only regular melt down but also anger outbursts which most likely connected to temporal lobe issues, one moment I would be calm and in a second destroying toys and heating walls. Sometimes kids just have to be directed and shown what to do in those situations.

OK my comment is kinda scattered but I think what I'm trying to say is that talking is important but sometimes you just need to show your kid different ways to deal with frustration, like a quiet place, sensory toys (like play dough, sand) might actually work as well, pressure will work for some kids (like simple hug might work, or as we call it in my family "squeezy hug") or anything else like that. Breathing techniques can be useful but my son for instance found the idea silly.

hope you can make sense out of it all

First of all, you're not as confusing as you might think. Ok, sometimes it looks like you write as you'd speak, but that's cool. So no worries.

Second, of course you know your son, but I guess his analyzing his environment as he observes. Critical analysis come from careful observation. Perhaps, his just no too verbal on that. I'm sorry about his meltdowns. I never had one, I think. But sometimes I feel overwhelmed by crowded places where people are loud and voices echo. I can keep cool, but I'll go somewhere else as fast as I can. So, I enjoy quieter places too.

Finally, I didn't mean that a constraining hug can't calm down an agitated kid, or a time-out wouldn't be helpful for that purpose. But it seemed kind of odd that the specialist's instructions assumed that a kid is completely irrational. At least this is how I read it. Anyway, if my son didn't respond to some talk, I wouldn't feel discouraged.

 

[epath13]

First of all, you're not as confusing as you might think. Ok, sometimes it looks like you write as you'd speak, but that's cool. So no worries.

Second, of course you know your son, but I guess his analyzing his environment as he observes. Critical analysis come from careful observation. Perhaps, his just no too verbal on that. I'm sorry about his meltdowns. I never had one, I think. But sometimes I feel overwhelmed by crowded places where people are loud and voices echo. I can keep cool, but I'll go somewhere else as fast as I can. So, I enjoy quieter places too.

Finally, I didn't mean that a constraining hug can't calm down an agitated kid, or a time-out wouldn't be helpful for that purpose. But it seemed kind of odd that the specialist's instructions assumed that a kid is completely irrational. At least this is how I read it. Anyway, if my son didn't respond to some talk, I wouldn't feel discouraged.

I actually noticed that in many articles psychologists and other specialists tend to use this animal training like approach, I'm not sure if it comes from misunderstanding or desperation, they just don't know what else they can do... but it might only look that way though. Like when I thought my younger son's speech therapist was trying to train him as a dog, later when we talked a little I realized, that it wasn't the case at all. but I do agree with you Pedro, kids do understand more that some adults might think.