Age differences

[SignOfLazarus]

I generally date homologously, socio-culturally speaking, preferring Caucasic British men of approximately my own age [59]. Reasoning is, I have the easiest time understanding others most like myself. [I’m not even sure my homosexual interest is natural...I’ve deliberately turned to men in older age for practical reasons, the aforementioned included.]

So, this said, imagine my surprise when I fell into a small affair with a 26-years-old lad, whilst on my most recent run abroad. He’s Canadian, as well. Handsome, fit, and intelligent. A special educational needs teacher, working internationally through a Lutheran missionary programme. What started as a platonic dinner out became a lovely week of full-time companionship. I didn’t seem to mind his relative youth whatsoever. It’s true to say, there were aspects of it that I rather enjoyed. We exchanged our details before I left town, and he made it clear he’s interested in carrying on with me long-distance, to meet again when we can manage it. We already did manage, actually, as he flew up to see me in another city on my itinerary for a two-day rendezvous.

Now that I’ve gone on my way, I’m wondering whether I should indeed pursue this relationship. It could be ideal for its lack of routine obligations, but I’m concerned about things I don’t know to anticipate, which makes me a bit nervous. I do find myself missing him.

What experiences have you had of partners with significant age differences? What related problems did you find, if any? When and how did those problems come into play? Would you consider another partner with a gap?

It's hard for me to bring in what i consider my relevant experience here- because I feel like it's all relevant.

I think that if you find yourself missing someone, it's a sign you should see where it leads.
If you miss someone and don't pursue a relationship- you still end up where you could be if you did pursue it and it didn't work out.

The fact that HE expressed the desire to continue to see you as able may be important- but only you can really suss that out.
What I find relevant in my personal experience here is that in my current relationship, we don't see each other all that often. We live not that far away, maybe a 45 minute public transit ride- but between health and sleep and all sorts of issues, there are weeks and weeks where we don't see each other.

For US- yeah physical presence and touch is imperative, but it can be put off. For a long time. This is seen as almost insane by some of our friends who boggle at the fact that we might not have seen each other for near on two months, for example.

I guess I bring all of that up because I wonder- what the "limit" might be for you two? At what point is there too much of a radio silence? You don't often know until it happens, right?

When I was younger I always kind of considered that unless you completely block off a person- if you are already missing them, you are already "in it" with them.

From what I read- there are a lot of reasons to pursue this: he has a position where he needs to be reliable and responsible. He has "his own thing" going on. He is used to traveling internationally, and as already evidenced, doesn't have a problem jumping on a plane- that seems pretty important.

I wouldn't ever say "age is just a number" because it's not. It's also a mentality and amounts to all of our experiences stacked upon each other. Some of the things you might run into here might be amounted to cultural differences, as Tom has mentioned. It is hard to say.

I can't really add more- but having been in a... confusion, I suppose with a man about 20+ years my senior I will say that the age wasn't really the issue in my case. The issue for me was that I had recently had my heart broken. When i say recently I mean about 6-8 months prior. It was still kind of hurting- but I didn't realize that until way beyond the confusion.

I would reiterate:

Somehow I don't think you'd have a lot of problems with this guy. He's apparently got your adventurous spirit, something akin to your unusual lifestyle, and your love of teaching.

Nadador my advice would be enjoy the experience but don't invest in it. Then see what happens. Keep an eye on social media too to make sure it doesn't appear there.

Right now, you are in the beginning stages of your crush. This is the time for looking at things rationally. Because things can get much stickier later on, when attachment has deepened and commitments have been made.

What do you really WANT to do? Do that haha.

 

[Nadador]

First off, good for you for finding someone to enjoy spending time with, that can be a rare thing.

…(edit) I think from my perspective, that I have a hard enough time relating intimately with people, and romantic interests in particular, that ANY difference can seem insurmountable. Not true, of course, but that is the root of my fear and discomfort.

Thank you, and good to 'see' you again, OTI.

Ah, here's a man with a similar problem to my own. I don't mean to be too cheerful about it, but I haven't met too many who admit to "fear and discomfort" straying very far at all from the most familiar demographic. It’s easy to think I'm the only one, as men so often won't share that sort of thing. I'm grateful to you.

I had an opportunity when I was quite young to experiment with an older woman, with right about the same gap as with you and your 30-something. Like you, I passed it up. I often wonder what that would have been like. My tremendous reluctance makes me wonder how it is that some youngsters are so much more willing to give it a go. Getting into the mind of this lad isn't easy.

Tell me, if you would...do you ever look back and regret not taking her up on her offer?

Nadador, my advice would be enjoy the experience but don't invest in it. Then see what happens. Keep an eye on social media too to make sure it doesn't appear there.

That's more and more of the plan, I think. And I hadn't thought about social media as yet, though that certainly seems to be a theme here since last I replied. Blimey. It seems I'll have to keep an eye on most everything.

…(edit) You seem a pretty straight-laced kind of guy, so it was a bit of a surprise to see you come by flirting with some hot young thing half your age, and corrupting a sweet little church boy to boot. Scandalous!

You know I'm just teasing a bit. But I'd definitely recommend keeping it secret, those crazy loons in the gossip magazines would be vicious.

Yes, I suppose I am a bit straight-laced, at that. Perhaps you don't recall that I was once a sweet little church boy, myself. Whilst I may have kept some of my old angel wings, don't be fooled...we church boys are eminently corruptible.

More about the media. Terrifying. Thank you, though.

Since Harrison didn't grab this one, can I try?

…(edit) I don't think that circumstances usually matter, as far as how you meet someone. You can meet people anywhere, anytime who could want something from you other than just you, for who you are as a person. And from what I've heard, you don't have to "ferret out" an agenda as much as make it clear that agendas won't get anywhere.

I hope you never completely adjust to that mindset, from what I've seen of it. Being more self-protective would be good, but it's your lack of ego that makes you, You.

That’s very nice of you to say, Slithy. I've always said that I plan to die with my soul intact in spite of it all...no endorsements, minimal compromises, no tricks or gimmicks, and so on. So far, so good. It's only some of the interpersonal savvy I'm having trouble with. Quite obviously.

And good job on your stab at my question. I'll be able to use that. I'm afraid I did buy him dinner on our first evening, though he insisted on returning the favour at breakfast. He also didn't play about when he called to ask if I'd like him to fly up to see me. The fare was never discussed at all. I'm hoping that's all a good sign, but I'll heed everything you've kindly laid out for me. It's a shame I can't thank the original source, as well. If you still know him, ta from me.

 

[Nadador]

…(edit) this mess called fame is still a bit new to you so the media isn't going to be too harsh on you YET. And there is the operative word, the more you do, the more your name gets out there, the more cameras and, more mouths looking for a sensational scandal …(edit)

If you're not out publicly yet, it may be wise to get on that with your publicity people before the rumor's begin flying, follow their advise as to what to do. …(edit)

I know first hand how hard it is to adjust to life the proverbial fishbowl of notoriety. …(edit)

You have my gratitude for the insights. I thought I'd noticed someone new here is in the entertainment industry. I wasn't sure that was you, as you've posted twice as much in just over a month as I've done in ten! Good grief, you're prolific!

What I suppose you could call my 'fame' is only new-ish. I've been about for quite a long time, though it's only fairly recently that I've fully cracked the global markets. I haven't a publicist of my own. Splitting those duties between my production company and the network has worked quite well, and I don't like too many masters. Press contact is highly structured. Tight lid on my personal life. What helps is that I'm away shooting about half the year...holed up in the booth for post-production much of the remainder.

You’ve located my Achilles' heel, however. I'm not 'out' about either my sexuality or my AS, for contractual and insurance reasons, respectively. What works in my favour is, the lad I've taken up with is an Evangelical Lutheran. If he outs me, he outs himself and loses his mission, his church, and his whole bloody family. That's one hell of a lot to chuck in the bin, over for an affair with a staunch non-materialist with no taste for celebrity proper.

Postscript: We might have some things to chat about privately, at some point, if you wouldn’t mind.

...(edit) I think that if you find yourself missing someone, it's a sign you should see where it leads. If you miss someone and don't pursue a relationship- you still end up where you could be if you did pursue it and it didn't work out.

...(edit) I guess I bring all of that up because I wonder- what the "limit" might be for you two? At what point is there too much of a radio silence? You don't often know until it happens, right?

What do you really WANT to do? Do that haha.

Why, SignOfLazarus! Delighted to hear from you. Wasn't at all sure I would.

That was a great deal to take in. All of it useful...please pardon that I've got to be choosy for reply.

Middle item first. I'm always careful to explain two things to any new romantic interest. For one, I'm utterly inaccessible for half of every year, and am quite busy the rest of the time, so I'm not the ticket for the needy. Even more importantly: No human being will ever come first in my life, full stop. It didn't even before my obsession became my living. My special interest will not, under any circumstances, play second fiddle to a relationship. The trouble is in getting people to believe me. I reckon every new lover imagines they'll be the one to settle me down, and in that they are sorely mistaken. It may sound cruel, outrageous even, but it's how I've lived my life since I was a lad, and I'll not change it for anyone. When I rattled off my sermon, he smiled and nodded. He said he got it. I suppose we shall see.

Now, to the bookends. That's quite a curious thought, about missing and not pursuing. The first bit of that passage was easy to agree with, but I'm going to have to think on the other. I say it's hard to easily agree because the two real relationships I've ever had, both lasting less than a year, left me in a great deal of pain. The first nearly capsized my career. The second has me out of my home and a cherished relationship with my brother. It's difficult to imagine any of that being better than missing an opportunity in the form of a person. Some say it's better to have loved and lost, etc., but somehow I doubt it. I'm still not quite sure why I'm even slightly interested in trying again.

Except...for the answer to your last question. "What do you really want to do?"

Despite it all,

I want to be loved.

 

[Nadador]

Edit- Felt like too much amongst this thread, sorry for interjecting.

It's all right. I responded, above.

Any thread started on these forums has room for whatever experiences any one of us wants to bring to it.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Yes, I suppose I am a bit straight-laced, at that. Perhaps you don't recall that I was once a sweet little church boy, myself. Whilst I may have kept some of my old angel wings, don't be fooled...we church boys are eminently corruptible.

I guess ya gotta hold your halo up with something, and devil horns works just as well.

 

[Nadador]

I guess ya gotta hold your halo up with something, and devil horns works just as well.

What the Devil are you doing up at, what, round 2 or 3 in the morning?

 

[AsheSkyler]

I'm terrible at derailing threads. XD

To keep myself semi on topic, I didn't like dating people younger than me because at the time they were jail bait. Still are if I go too far. At my age, it doesn't take much for somebody younger to be in an entirely different life stage. I'm outta highschool now, I'd like to stay out. I didn't mind people too much older than me. I was pretty fond of music a decade or two older than me and I didn't mind watching older TV shows, although I wouldn't have the same memories of enjoying them when they were new like an older partner would have. I wasn't worried about a decline in health as they aged, I've proven to be a pretty steady caregiver a few times. But I was worried about spending too much time alone when I got old. While women are catching up to men, the old rule was that women outlived men by about seven years if something terrible didn't happen to change that. So the older I picked a guy, the more likely I was going to outlive him. And if I got really attached, I'd also have to deal with that lethal 2-5 year span after a spouse's death that seems to claim elderly widows and widowers, so that had a chance of shortening my own life span. Eek!

My husband is actually outside of my comfort zone. He's nearly seven years older. Which isn't outrageous, but that's a potential 14 years alone in my twilight years if disease, war, or accident doesn't change that. And with a few other factors, I shouldn't bet on a 50th wedding anniversary. I probably could throw one anyway, but I'll probably have to celebrate it alone.

What the Devil are you doing up at, what, round 2 or 3 in the morning?

Aye, 3AM right now. Can't sleep. Fighting the evils of comorbids. The interoceptive end of SPD insists I have a rotating sleep schedule and I could cycle through all hours of the day two or three times a year. By this point, I think I just have SPD and the autism is the comorbid rather than the other way around. Right now I have semi year-round diurnal duties, so it's pretty painful trying to fight it by doing weird stunts like trying to stay up for over 24 hours or only get 3-4 hours sleep to try and force myself to sleep at night. And my kid insists on synchronizing his sleep schedule with mine no matter what stage of sleep either of us are on, and it's that much harder to try and keep it consistent. Like all little kids, he doesn't like to go to bed unless he's been good and worn out with hard play, and it's been much too hot and humid to let him rip and roar outside so he'll go to sleep at a decent hour.

 

[Nadador]

Aye, 3AM right now. Can't sleep. Fighting the evils of comorbids.

This post will take more energy than I've got just now. Getting quite sleepy, and I have a PM or two still on the schedule.

I'll be back tomorrow. Tell the comorbids to shut it and go to bed.

 

[King_Oni]

I guess I can chip in here, even if I didn't have these large age differences compared to some. But I suppose, if you're in your late 20's or early 30's there's only so much you can go back in terms of dating younger people, right?

My first girlfriend ever was the closest in terms of age to me; 2 years older, then someone 4 years older and eventually I ended up with someone 9 years younger and after that I ended up with someone 11 years younger.

Like some pointed out, you have some differences in whatever you reference and perhaps like, if it's a decent gap. Heck, I dated an 18 year old about 5 years ago who stared at me when I told her I used to borrow cd's from the library, pretty much thinking all music came from the internet. Well, granted, she wasn't too bright at times, lol... but it does fall in line with plenty of people that grew up with the internet. They don't even know what was going on before the internet.

I wish I could say that age was a problem for me, but here's the fun thing I've noticed more and more. Perhaps it's that I'm a certain age, where I don't "age" that much anymore in terms of outlooks, future perspectives and responsibilities. Now, dating someone in her late teens, or early 20's, they're still at the start of adulthood and contemplate all these things of adult life and see where they want to go... and I just know that I'm the worst companion for that because I'm just that... a relatively irresponsible 30-ish year old who probably gives young adults a run for their money in terms of party antics. And that's where age becomes a problem; mind you, people knew how and what I was like, but apparently some people change over time if you're together for a few years and much akin to that "itch" many people have where they start to consider having kids, responsibilities, for a lot of people are a similar itch I suppose. It's when people expect me to get my sh*t together, but that train has long departed... easily 5 years ago.

One of the few things I could attribute to age is that I've seen so much ridiculous things happen in my personal situation (bleak outlooks on support, employment and so on), one can't help but understand that I might be a bit bitter about some things (and considering; I'm not half as bitter as I should be). If you date someone at the early stages of adulthood (and even more intresting, an aspie, who is in a similar situation, like you were a decade ago), you're really a black cloud to some because you know how screwed one might be. While you might not speak out on it on a daily basis, seeing someone struggle and go through the same things as you did, and similarly, your partner seeing where and how she might end up isn't the best perspective. Talk about a major buzzkill.

 

[On the Inside]

I'm pleased to have you around again, Nadador.

Tell me, if you would...do you ever look back and regret not taking her up on her offer?

Yes, I hesitate to say it, I look back and regret many such opportunities, regardless of demographics, even gender in one case. Always thinking of what might go wrong; how do I end it if I have to, could I ever let go if they had to end it (apparently, no). As you said at the end of one post....I want to be loved. Regrets, at things done and not done (not just in love), have been my most difficult sticking point, and they continue to pile up, though the rate has slowed considerably.

While I left my faith and belief as soon as possible, I have always behaved like a good little church boy. I have just switched teams, Buddhist, Taoist, Earth-lover. I am unable to deal with being in trouble, so I stick pretty much to the straight and narrow. When I have strayed, the hammer has always fallen pretty hard, it seems to me.

I am another case where no other human being comes first, except my son, but even that, out of necessity, can't always be the case. My 87 year old spinster neighbor has a saying "after me, you come first". This attitude, if that is all it is, has not sat well in the relationships I've had. It isn't malicious in any way, and I don't think of it as selfishness. It's not that I wouldn't and haven't done anything heroic or altruistic, I have, it's just the old basic survival instinct I believe. I think people who believe they don't think this way are in denial/ignorance about their base motives.

 

[Beverly]

Nadador Well that settles the how careful to be publicly question - hide any relationship entirely in public. (While cursing the contracts and insurance companies under your breath. ) I'm an asexual aspie but, publicly I'm a straight, NT so, yeah similar situation.

As for all of my posting, that's because I took a break form fame and am working as a freelance writer only right now but, I've got a new business venture in the works and, it's going to bring me back to center stage in the next 12 to 18 months, I would estimate. Perhaps sooner, if a project I want to work on gets the funding it need. (as of now only I and the lead actor from part one are interested in making it either a feature film or a movie.)

I've got people to handle almost everything but, I am very hands on with post production of my work. I've been accused of being a persnickety post production diva LOL. It's my work, it will be right or it won't be released.

Regional and national markets are one thing, that's the slow going part. Once you hit the global markets, it's a fast ride to the top - if you're good and you are. Feels good to be there, now all you have to do is do what you do best, and keep finding ways to make it even better. Let the network and production company worry about promotion and, if you have not done a personal "Do Not Ask." list for interviews, do one and, make sure orientation and relationship status are on that list. Toss in a few other things so it doesn't look like you are hiding something and looks like you are just a very private person. Things like how many siblings you have, where your parents live, pet's names, personal vacation information.

Another good trick to keep unwanted noses off your relationship, go have coffee or even dinner with a female friend or co-worker. Keep them guessing, they can't pin anything on the friendly guy that has coffee with whomever is available to have cover with, be that male or female. Suggest your S.O. do the same. Beats having to be in a now 5 year long engagement to a woman because your photo of a compromising situation with his boyfriend. (It is happening to a friend of mine now who also cannot be out for contractual reasons.)

The big thing is be sure your S.O. understand how vital it is that you not be outed, even accidentally and, understands why you two cannot be affectionate at all in public. I'd guess he has no clue about a life of notoriety and how easily something innocent can be twisted into something risqué and scandalous but certain segments of the media.

Feel free to PM me and, if you like, remind me to give you my personal email and cell, those might be easier for you when you're shooting.

[Side note, funny one that happened to me: After an award show that I was invited to "crash", I went to a hotel with Gene Simmons, rooms were full so, he and his wife offered me the couch in their suite. No big deal but, OUCH, what the tabloids did with one picture of us entering the room together. It's funny now, years later but, it wasn't so funny at the time. I did not appreciate being accused of either being a hussy or, a home wrecker - depending on how they chose to edit the photo.]

 

[Ste11aeres]

I want to be loved.

You are loved here. Even if an internet community doesn't satisfy all emotional needs.

In all honesty, I like that you are keeping both your dating of men (I'm not saying your orientation, because in previous posts you've implied that it might not be a hard and fast orientation thing, exactly) and your probable AS private. And it's not because of my opinion of same-sex stuff, and definitely not because of my opinion of AS. It's because it's one thing for someone to "come out" to family, friends, co-workers, etc. It's quite a different thing for someone to "come out" when they are somewhat famous, and that coming out means being splashed all over the front covers of tabloids, and having thousands of strangers you've never met, people who don't love you and couldn't care less about you as a person, discussing you.

Anyway, lots of hugs.

 

[Nadador]

...(edit)I was pretty fond of music a decade or two older than me and I didn't mind watching older TV shows, although I wouldn't have the same memories of enjoying them when they were new like an older partner would have.

It suddenly occurs to me that if I dated someone much older than myself, there would literally be no older favourite TV shows to which I wouldn't be able to relate! At least I'm not older than rock-and-roll. That would feel quite odd, nowadays.

As much as do believe I'm fairly youthful, in many respects, I'm not keen on newer music and television. My taste is almost utterly confined to my own era for music [60s and 70s], and while I do enjoy some recent television dramas, the comedies defy me, and some of the more...what I guess one would call 'edgy' styles of direction and camera work make me edgy. My own show is actually quite jarring to me. I might not watch it, were it someone else's.

The movies I like best are all old classics. Not that any of this is relevant. Except in the sense that my new little flame likes very contemporary fare in all aspects of his entertainments, and I simply can't relate at all. Hmm.

...(edit) But I was worried about spending too much time alone when I got old. While women are catching up to men, the old rule was that women outlived men by about seven years if something terrible didn't happen to change that. So the older I picked a guy, the more likely I was going to outlive him. And if I got really attached, I'd also have to deal with that lethal 2-5 year span after a spouse's death that seems to claim elderly widows and widowers, so that had a chance of shortening my own life span. Eek!

Not a word of a lie, I wouldn't ever expect a younger partner to stay with me into very old age. I would feel far too selfish. I reckon I assume that any relationship with a particularly large gap wouldn't take me that far, anyway. In case I haven't said it, I hold no illusions about this current experiment having any potential to be very long-term.

I also wouldn't want to have a partner die on me, regardless of why. It's always a possibility, and it's true to say I'm at quite a high risk for dying on someone else, but the thought of surviving a lifemate won't even register, it's so unpleasant. Even when that partner is only hypothetical.

My mother died at the tail end of that 'danger zone' you've mentioned, after my father's own passing. Her health and attitude declined quite sharply. It took us all by surprise. We'd never imagined her as a depressive widow, or leaving us even nearly so soon.

I never knew Sensory Processing Disorder included troubles with sleep pattern. Sorry to hear it. [/QUOTE]

...(edit) But I suppose, if you're in your late 20's or early 30's there's only so much you can go back in terms of dating younger people, right?

I'm relieved to know you feel that way, Oni.

You're quite a maverick, so you would actually be a good one to ask this: What would be the largest gap you think you would ever consider [at any age]?

...(edit) Heck, I dated an 18 year old about 5 years ago who stared at me when I told her I used to borrow cd's from the library, pretty much thinking all music came from the internet. Well, granted, she wasn't too bright at times, lol... but it does fall in line with plenty of people that grew up with the internet. They don't even know what was going on before the internet.

At first I shuddered at the thought of dating an 18-years-old girl when I read this, then it struck me that by comparison to your age and hers, my situation is actually much worse. This lad might just as well be 18, honestly. Once the water is so far over your head, does it matter how deep it is?

There's no way I could date a young person were I not tech savvy. This new lad and I haven't discussed such things, but as I was watching him texting a friend, I gave some thought to just how oblivious he is to the leaps in technology I've seen in my lifetime. For him, backwards to early childhood, it's the distance from Windows 10 to Windows NT. For me, it's the distance from Windows 10 to a manual typewriter and the public sodding library.

...(edit)And that's where age becomes a problem; mind you, people knew how and what I was like, but apparently some people change over time if you're together for a few years and much akin to that "itch" many people have where they start to consider having kids, responsibilities, for a lot of people are a similar itch I suppose. It's when people expect me to get my sh*t together, but that train has long departed... easily 5 years ago.

Try being 59. Nobody's itching for kids, but not having my sh*t anywhere near what my normal dating pool calls 'together' is nearly insurmountable. It might be better now that I'm living in my own, furnished house, but until this spring, I had to explain to anyone interested in me that I lived in a shed behind my brother's, sleeping on the only furniture I owned, a second-hand, 30-years-old futon. [Yet, somehow, I was always puzzled that anyone found it unacceptable.]

...(edit) While you might not speak out on it on a daily basis, seeing someone struggle and go through the same things as you did, and similarly, your partner seeing where and how she might end up isn't the best perspective. Talk about a major buzzkill.

Oni, you've made a resounding point, here. Something entirely new to the conversation. What if I have to watch this youngster go through any of the things I did, so many years ago? How does one resist the temptation to over-advise?

Luckily, being a foreshadow of where he might end up shouldn't be a problem.

Yes, I hesitate to say it, I look back and regret many such opportunities,...(edit)

...(edit) I think people who believe they don't think this way are in denial/ignorance about their base motives.

On the Inside, would you mind if I messaged you privately to respond to some of this? There's a lot in it that I would like to discuss. No trouble if you'd rather not.

 

[Nadador]

As for all of my posting, that's because I took a break form fame and am working as a freelance writer only right now but, I've got a new business venture in the works and, it's going to bring me back to center stage in the next 12 to 18 months, I would estimate. Perhaps sooner, if a project I want to work on gets the funding it need. (as of now only I and the lead actor from part one are interested in making it either a feature film or a movie.)

So you're into both music and film? Any professional actor's training? It's been suggested that I could get into acting, as I'm sufficiently telegenic, and, I suppose, distinctive-looking, but I haven't any desire for it. My interest in the industry is exceptionally focused. Sometimes I'm not even sure that I will take on another project once this one ends, which will likely be next year. It's important to know when you've driven a vehicle just far enough. Or, frankly, a career. I'll not become a caricature of myself.

Feel free to PM me and, if you like, remind me to give you my personal email and cell, those might be easier for you when you're shooting.

That's extremely kind of you, Beverly. Thank you

Not sure how to answer this, here...but it might appear rude not to, when it's where the invitation was extended. I'm afraid I'm a bit awkward about this sort of thing. [I've been here since October last, but, still, this is my first experience of this kind of social environment.]

I prefer to build relationships gradually, so it’s a bit soon for me to accept contact details. There are a number of people here who do know me quite well, some beyond AC, so I’m by no means averse to heading in that direction...I’m merely a bit more reserved a person than you are. Lessons learned the hard way, and all that. Not at all personal. Do keep an eye on your Inbox for Step One. It's quite interesting having someone else from my industry about the place.

You are loved here. Even if an internet community doesn't satisfy all emotional needs.

...(edit) having thousands of strangers you've never met, people who don't love you and couldn't care less about you as a person, discussing you.

That's very nice of you to say, Ste11aeres. It means more than you could know.

I do miss you all when I'm away.

The first time I became aware that anyone of the general public was discussing me, it was on a forum pertaining to my special interest. I froze stiff, seeing my full name spelled out in someone's post, knowing that it wasn't just a coincidence of someone sharing it. I can't remember anything of the content of the message, but I still see the font, and the colour of the page behind My Name. I don't know what I expected to happen, once my programme started to catch on. My experience of the process of getting to television was that of someone who never honestly watched any. I thought of nothing at all but the back end of it. [Were you to see my first-ever series, which I funded and created almost entirely on my own, I suspect you would readily see my utter naiveté on the back end, as well. ]

To be terribly honest, had AdamR not joined here before me, and posted about my dilemma over coming out publically and becoming an advocate, I wouldn't likely have chosen to be known here as someone with a profile in entertainment. It's made it easier for me to talk about some things, but I'm always a bit nervous. I've said a great deal that's sensitive on these forums. Some might say I trust too much, even with my name withheld. I reckon my need for the company and support of other Aspies is stronger than my fear. That trust has only been rewarded, so far.

 

[King_Oni]

I'm relieved to know you feel that way, Oni.

You're quite a maverick, so you would actually be a good one to ask this: What would be the largest gap you think you would ever consider [at any age]?

I never really thought about it I guess, but I think at some point things become impractical. Not sure if I'm that interested in dating someone who is close to retirment when I still, technically will have to slave in labor at least a period equal to my age now.

Not to long ago I got a message from a woman in her early 50's on a datingsite, showing interest in me. I'm not entirely sure why I wasn't interested... or, to put it differently; I don't know if seeing her age actually made me perceive her differently.

What I've always kept in mind is both the notion of "you're as old as you feel" but also how "youthful" you come across. Plenty of people way older than me claim to be relatively youthful still... and while they might be right, in their own perception, it might differ from what I consider someone to be like that.

So really, I don't know... at least I know where the cut-off for me is in going down (or younger), upward I don't know... 40? 45? 50?

Granted, that I do feel there's also a bit of physical attractiveness. While I want someone who is awesome as a person, I can't help but have a certain idea of what I think is attractive. Superficial as it may seem... and with that, I've found an interesting stasis for me personally. No matter what age I am... or was, for some reason anyone I end up with always looked a certain age... somewhere between 20 and 25. That seemed to be my visual thing to some extent. Back when I was 17, I dated someone who fit that age, and in my late 20's, I'm still being more into that... well, visual age category. It's funny how that's actually a really odd constant for me. Suppose with that said, if you're 45 but look like a 23 year old, and you're an awesome person, I might actually be a bit more interested, lol.

At first I shuddered at the thought of dating an 18-years-old girl when I read this, then it struck me that by comparison to your age and hers, my situation is actually much worse. This lad might just as well be 18, honestly. Once the water is so far over your head, does it matter how deep it is?

There's no way I could date a young person were I not tech savvy. This new lad and I haven't discussed such things, but as I was watching him texting a friend, I gave some thought to just how oblivious he is to the leaps in technology I've seen in my lifetime. For him, backwards to early childhood, it's the distance from Windows 10 to Windows NT. For me, it's the distance from Windows 10 to a manual typewriter and the public sodding library.

"Once the water is so far over your head, does it matter how deep it is?" Hah.. I like this one. I guess it doesn't matter, but hey... from my experiences, especially when talking age and younger partners, there's only so much I'd do until water turns into something else you're really deep into

To clear it up, I'm not particularly interested in hooking up with someone still in high school anyway, lol... from my dating days back in the day, I've had my share of dating high schoolers; when I was still in my late teens... and all that "he's really weird and probably a bad influence" up to "he's the devil" I heard from parents about me, I'm really, really, really done with that kind of stuff and never hope to end up with such situations anymore anyway

Try being 59. Nobody's itching for kids, but not having my sh*t anywhere near what my normal dating pool calls 'together' is nearly insurmountable. It might be better now that I'm living in my own, furnished house, but until this spring, I had to explain to anyone interested in me that I lived in a shed behind my brother's, sleeping on the only furniture I owned, a second-hand, 30-years-old futon. [Yet, somehow, I was always puzzled that anyone found it unacceptable.

Oh, that entire "get your sh*t together thing... it's funny though, since if I bring it up on say... a dating website, I'm quite sure that possible interests might get away as far as they can. It's when people talk to me, hang out with me, and know more about me, where they seem to be a lot more cool about it.

Perhaps it's because I'm a cool guy (ahem) and perhaps it fits well into how I am personalitywise, since increasingly people notice that while I don't have my sh*t together... I'm also not the person who wants to have it together either. And then it's hard to blame someone for not having it so. Being a responsible adult only goes that far IMO... and having everything perfectly together, just for the sake of "because that's what makes you a functioning member of society" seems to be the biggest bull to me anyway.

For the record; this one time, I was dating someone who actually thought I lived in a trailer of sorts which doubled as a methlab, lol. Yeah, for some reason, some people don't even expect me to live in a "regular" house with a neat little garden. While she was wrong about the trailer.. and lab, it amuses and pleases me that at least some people don't put up expectations of normalcy with me.

Oni, you've made a resounding point, here. Something entirely new to the conversation. What if I have to watch this youngster go through any of the things I did, so many years ago? How does one resist the temptation to over-advise?

For one, don't give out advice when no one asks but then again, I've always made it clear "if you don't want me to talk to you about it and don't want me to chip in my 2 cents as advice, don't bring it up". But since employment and education was a major thing for some of my partners that went beyond "hey, I can't hang out, I have to be there and there" but more along the lines of full days planned with coaches, social workers... it's hard to ignore what goes on in ones life. But still, saying that someone should discuss it with his/her social worker or anything seems a lot better advice at times. While I (among others) might be resourceful, I've always learned that my resourcefulness is the opposite of what jobcoaches can offer, lol. That's experience as well.

 

[AsheSkyler]

It suddenly occurs to me that if I dated someone much older than myself, there would literally be no older favourite TV shows to which I wouldn't be able to relate! At least I'm not older than rock-and-roll. That would feel quite odd, nowadays.

As much as do believe I'm fairly youthful, in many respects, I'm not keen on newer music and television. My taste is almost utterly confined to my own era for music [60s and 70s], and while I do enjoy some recent television dramas, the comedies defy me, and some of the more...what I guess one would call 'edgy' styles of direction and camera work make me edgy. My own show is actually quite jarring to me. I might not watch it, were it someone else's.

The movies I like best are all old classics. Not that any of this is relevant. Except in the sense that my new little flame likes very contemporary fare in all aspects of his entertainments, and I simply can't relate at all. Hmm.

The beauty of older films is that while the equipment was likely more hardy, the film was more delicate, and required a steady hand. I watched a home video on YouTube yesterday of a man chasing a pig, and his ability to hold the camera steady while running was on par with a lot of modern shooting looking about. I dare say he had better film skills because he stayed properly zoomed out instead of so close we didn't even get to see a whole head in half the shots. These extra-close close-ups and extra shaky shooting styles make me dizzy!

I hear complaints on music all the time. Subject matter can be somewhat excused since people don't have to be so cryptic when writing love songs (or flat out horny songs, which I find the bluntness to be a bit boring), but experimenting with instruments and tempo makes it harder to identify by genre. Mostly things seem to gravitate to a rock or pop sound, or plain ol' weird. The first time I listened to "death metal" I felt like a perfectly normal and well-balanced individual in comparison.

I can't really relate to any of the reality shows though. If they're somewhat educational like Filthy Riches or Dirty Jobs With Mike Rowe, I enjoy them. But stuff like The Bachelor makes me grumpier than usual.

Not a word of a lie, I wouldn't ever expect a younger partner to stay with me into very old age. I would feel far too selfish. I reckon I assume that any relationship with a particularly large gap wouldn't take me that far, anyway. In case I haven't said it, I hold no illusions about this current experiment having any potential to be very long-term.

Corrupting that sweet little good Samaritan with a fling of all things! Oh so naughty~ I think one too many trips to America has ruined this proper gentleman's morals.

I don't see how you put up with me.
(But let me know if I start to get on your nerves.)

I also wouldn't want to have a partner die on me, regardless of why. It's always a possibility, and it's true to say I'm at quite a high risk for dying on someone else, but the thought of surviving a lifemate won't even register, it's so unpleasant. Even when that partner is only hypothetical.

I honestly don't know what I'd do if the situation came. There's always a chance I'll go first, what with the crazy traffic around here and all, but the odds lean much more toward my husband. I still have four grandparents and two parents, I have no way of knowing how I would handle a major loss, especially one I've had to invest a lot of care, nurturing, and nagging in.

My mother died at the tail end of that 'danger zone' you've mentioned, after my father's own passing. Her health and attitude declined quite sharply. It took us all by surprise. We'd never imagined her as a depressive widow, or leaving us even nearly so soon.

It's a unique phenomenon. Almost as if after years together your life force gets linked and you're pulled into the afterlife with them. And of course there are the complete opposite cases. There was one funeral I visited since the were some how distantly acquainted with my family, and this poor old man had buried his wife, all his children, and I think at least one grandchild. Might be a bit too optimistic of me considering the diseases of childhood, but nature didn't intend for parents to bury their young.

I never knew Sensory Processing Disorder included troubles with sleep pattern. Sorry to hear it.

SPD has become one of my fascinations and I'd be glad to rattle your ears off about it in a PM if you are interested.

 

[Karin]

I don't have much personal experience in age difference, only husband being 7.5 years younger, but reading this thread I keep thinking of the books of Armistead Maupin. Do you know them, Nadador?

They are semi-biographical, following the diverse gender crowd of San Francisco through the decades. The author's alter Ego, Michael, is gay and around age 50 he strikes it up with a younger lover and it's described quite detailed how they live their lives together and how he deals with the age difference. Might be something to read. They are fun books in any case - and all about my favorite city

The reason I see the male-male relationship different from at least male-female in terms of age difference is you rarely have to worry about the question of children messing it up.

 

[Beverly]

Nadador Mostly music, which of course does require a bit of acting - especially when you've got to do the wind up that night. I did write one screenplay, never got beyond a local theater but I enjoyed doing it. I tried acting in my H.S. play, got the lead, bombed on stage. I could do it now, I'm sure but, it would take a lot to get me to act on camera - the right friend, working with the right director, on the right story, begging me hard enough might do it though.

As for the info I offered, I explained how that is safe for me to share in a PM. there are ways to keep the personal and professional separate and, keep the personal from revealing your location.

 

[Slithytoves]

I don't know if anybody else has noticed this, but this is a really nice thread. It started as one person's situation but has become a very comfortable, fluid discussion with a good group of people. I wish more threads were like this one. The word "cozy" comes to mind.

I wasn't worried about a decline in health as they aged, I've proven to be a pretty steady caregiver a few times. But I was worried about spending too much time alone when I got old.

I had to be a caregiver one, very unexpectedly. I was terrified that I couldn't do it, but I wasn't half bad. I've had to give up on any thoughts of being widowed because of my "thing" for much older men. I just want to make the most of the time available, with no regrets later. A few really good years with someone is better than decades that are just okay. I think I've chosen wisely for my preferred outcome. Harrison's health problems (no secret here) do concern me, but there's never been a question that anything that comes later will be worth the extra effort/work.

I also wouldn't want to have a partner die on me, regardless of why. It's always a possibility, and it's true to say I'm at quite a high risk for dying on someone else, but the thought of surviving a lifemate won't even register, it's so unpleasant. Even when that partner is only hypothetical.

My mother died at the tail end of that 'danger zone' you've mentioned, after my father's own passing. Her health and attitude declined quite sharply. It took us all by surprise. We'd never imagined her as a depressive widow, or leaving us even nearly so soon.

Trust me, it's awful. There is nothing in the world like it. Losing a partner is a very special kind of Hell.

It's always interesting to see how people are once they lose a partner/spouse. I've been surprised many times, in both directions. I'm worried about how my own mother will be. She's a very strong woman but seems more and more dependent on my stepdad as time goes on.

Yes, I hesitate to say it, I look back and regret many such opportunities, regardless of demographics, even gender in one case.

I have a couple of regrets over missed opportunities. I'm bisexual but I only meet one woman I'd ever be interested in for every 25-30 men. There was one slightly younger girl I really liked who was an employee of mine back in the 1990s; she identified as hetero but she told me rather suggestively once that she was interested in experimenting. She meant too much as a friend and was way too good of an employee to risk it. Bi-curious people can be a real headache, anyway. Sometimes it really is just curiosity, and very brief.

I also passed up an opportunity to date a very cute Vietnamese boy in highschool. He spoke no English at all, but his friends whose English was passable kept telling me the kid liked me. I look back and kick myself for not going for it. It could have been very cool overcoming the language barrier together.

Sometimes going with our instincts can lead to a lifetime of "What if I had?" As long as it doesn't cause pain, though, I actually like pondering what could have been. I bet it's often better than the memory of an actual attempt would be.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I had to be a caregiver one, very unexpectedly. I was terrified that I couldn't do it, but I wasn't half bad. I've had to give up on any thoughts of being widowed because of my "thing" for much older men. I just want to make the most of the time available, with no regrets later. A few really good years with someone is better than decades that are just okay. I think I've chosen wisely for my preferred outcome. Harrison's health problems (no secret here) do concern me, but there's never been a question that anything that comes later will be worth the extra effort/work.

That's how I feel about my husband. Any "above and beyond the call of duty" work put in to him is worth it because he's special to me.

I wonder, would Aspies be good in nursing fields and stuff? A lot of may not be good with words or facial expressions, but our actions can clearly show meticulous care and concern.