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Afraid to get close to people?

BradT

Well-Known Member
Hi, I'm a college student who's an aspie, I have a problem, everytime I want to get close to people and have relationships, I back out. For example, I want to add friends on my facebook, but then before they get the chance to add me I go back and cancel the request. My feelings would be hurt if they don't add me or I'm blocked. Is afraid of getting super close to anyone a part of my aspergers syndrome?
 
Hi, I'm a college student who's an aspie, I have a problem, everytime I want to get close to people and have relationships, I back out. For example, I want to add friends on my facebook, but then before they get the chance to add me I go back and cancel the request. My feelings would be hurt if they don't add me or I'm blocked. Is afraid of getting super close to anyone a part of my aspergers syndrome?
nah its just fear of rejection its happens to anyone who is very insecure
i think if youre on the AS its seems more intense
 
How is it though when I look at people profiles, they have over 1,000 friends? their is no way anyone knows over 1000 people? Is it a popularity contest and they just add random people?
 
i think its a subjective term as in Facebook!!!! friend not real life friend more just wanting limited contact
think its designed around 30 somethings to make socialising while a distance away much easier
think followers agree with some things or all the things you communicate
How is it though when I look at people profiles, they have over 1,000 friends? their is no way anyone knows over 1000 people? Is it a popularity contest and they just add random people?
 
A lot of people view Facebook as a popularity contest indeed. As a result, many of them accept just any request that they receive, without vetting them or even actually knowing the people.
I have no idea why one would think that's a good idea? Sharing personal things with people you don't actually know (unsafe to me), and even worse, having a feed crowded with stuff from people you don't give a crap about?

I'm on the same page regarding fear of rejection. I always convince myself I did something wrong (and if I find no wrong I could have done, then it must be because something terrible has happened to them. Never do I think that maybe people just have... a life? Or poorly organized email?)
 
How is it though when I look at people profiles, they have over 1,000 friends? their is no way anyone knows over 1000 people? Is it a popularity contest and they just add random people?
They are likely adding lots of people they don't actually know on a personal level to give the illusion that they have thousands of real friends.
I am quite perplexed as to why people do this and I find that NTs do it often. For many people, the pursuit of popularity is a major driving force.
When I was on Facebook (I have since deactivated my account, because drama), I kept my friend requests strictly to people I knew on a personal level (and even that backfired in the end).
The people you are talking about probably have no idea who some of their Facebook friends are in actuality and probably never will.
It is better to keep your circles small and only maintain contact with people that you know well and have positive relationships with imo.

As far as getting close to people goes, I have a similar problem, which is that I don't let anyone get close to me because I don't trust that they aren't going to hurt me or turn on me. I don't think that is necessarily an Aspie trait per se, although many Aspies may end up developing trust issues as a result of having been bullied or abused.
 
I find it very difficult to get close to people, and 'friends' always seem to assume I'm closer to them than I really am, I honestly don't overly care about the majority of them. I don't know if that's an aspie trait or not.
 
I find it very difficult to get close to people, and 'friends' always seem to assume I'm closer to them than I really am, I honestly don't overly care about the majority of them. I don't know if that's an aspie trait or not.
I could count on one hand the few people that has called me friend and that's because I don't really care that much for them either. Only two come to mind that I call friend and I really liked being with. Same with dates. I've gone out to dinner or a movie and such with a lot of guys, but, only two did I really feel care and enjoyed.
Trust is a big issue. You can't let yourself care much if you can't trust. That's just letting yourself in for a let down and pain.
 
Is it a part of aspergers? It could be, but it might not be.

I am like this with potential friends. I fear rejection, because of the times I have "reached" out and misunderstood the intentions of the other person and left feeling just awful and so, rather not make the effort, than risk feeling burned out.

My husband said to me a few times: you are actually quite good with making friends; you just have no idea how to keep those friendships going.

I also think it is a very low self esteem on my part. I do not want to assume that the person wants to hear from me and it always is a huge surprise when someone says they are glad to have heard from me.
 
Is afraid of getting super close to anyone a part of my aspergers syndrome?

Related. The relevant official symptoms, as you probably know, include

a) propensity for sensory overload, not needing to seek comfort from other people and not having many close friendships. Uncomfortable in crowds.
b) a social awkwardness whereby we do not follow the heard and perhaps act and speak differently. We are independent and self directing.

So if that is the baseline of your brain, one or the other could result in you pushing people away. Maybe you are a) pushing them away in advance to avoid overload or b) pushing them away because you have been on the fringe (outside looking in) before and have been uncomfortable and want to avoid this happening again?
 
Related. The relevant official symptoms, as you probably know, include

a) propensity for sensory overload, not needing to seek comfort from other people and not having many close friendships. Uncomfortable in crowds.
b) a social awkwardness whereby we do not follow the heard and perhaps act and speak differently. We are independent and self directing.

So if that is the baseline of your brain, one or the other could result in you pushing people away. Maybe you are a) pushing them away in advance to avoid overload or b) pushing them away because you have been on the fringe (outside looking in) before and have been uncomfortable and want to avoid this happening again?
B is the right answer. In junior high I felt I was never really accepted, surprisingly in high school I was since I went to a small private school, but the memories of junior high still haunts me to this day to some extent. It got so bad back then I went to a psychiatric hospital to get treatment. I developed severe depression, that's when I realized I had to make a change and get away from those people and start over to a different high school and make new friends. I mean I saw a girl who bullied me working as a waitress and ironically she was my waitress, she avoided me like I was the plague so I didn't tip her sorry ass. I told some people this and they say well maybe she didn't recognize you. I don't care though, when I saw her, my blood started to boil.
 
Hi, I'm a college student who's an aspie, I have a problem, everytime I want to get close to people and have relationships, I back out. For example, I want to add friends on my facebook, but then before they get the chance to add me I go back and cancel the request. My feelings would be hurt if they don't add me or I'm blocked. Is afraid of getting super close to anyone a part of my aspergers syndrome?
This is one of the reasons I found Facebook too difficult - just one, though. In general, it caused too much social anxiety - not knowing if/how people would respond, and when they did, it might be totally different from what I would have expected because they misunderstood me, different people's ideas of their level of friendship with me ad whether they should be able to see my photos, etc - the meaning of liking vs not liking someone else's post or them doing that for mine and all the hidden social meanings of these things - it was too much for me to handle. It was sooooo stressful for me. I feel much better after I quit Facebook. But that is just me. I found the constant buzz from all of these people posting silly things an added distraction, as well.
 
I couldn't agree more with Ambi, I felt the exact same way about it, and I fail to see the point of feeling stressed out & overwhelmed by things, pictures and events that I don't even care about in the first place. So why bother? I'm doing myself a favor.
(And somehow, after 2 years playing dead on facebook, I still have people who view me as friend -why???- who keep on reaching out to me. Can't they see I've run away, dammit? It's called avoidance for a reason ;) )
 
This is one of the reasons I found Facebook too difficult - just one, though. In general, it caused too much social anxiety - not knowing if/how people would respond, and when they did, it might be totally different from what I would have expected because they misunderstood me, different people's ideas of their level of friendship with me ad whether they should be able to see my photos, etc - the meaning of liking vs not liking someone else's post or them doing that for mine and all the hidden social meanings of these things - it was too much for me to handle. It was sooooo stressful for me. I feel much better after I quit Facebook. But that is just me. I found the constant buzz from all of these people posting silly things an added distraction, as well.
I just don't get why it's so important to have over 1000 friends, I guess if you have to feel popular, it's a good thing I guess. Doesn't that sorta imply though they have to have all those friends or they will feel insecure?
 
I just don't get why it's so important to have over 1000 friends, I guess if you have to feel popular, it's a good thing I guess. Doesn't that sorta imply though they have to have all those friends or they will feel insecure?
I knew one person who felt bad turning down people's friend requests, so they would always add them - and people added for random reasons, like, just if they happened to meet them at a party or an event. Actually, there was one person whom he didn't even know - it was this "mystery" guy who had added himself to various people we knew, but I bet nobody even knew who it was, lol!

Now, I think most NTs don't confuse the "facebook friend" with real, actual friend - so he didn't really think much of it. And I know other people who just add "facebook friends" as contacts/network, so it's just useful for them.

Now, another person I knew had over 3000 friends - and she was always posting pictures of herself in a bikini, licking ice cream, all kinds of shots that showcased her beauty, and then she had male and female admirers alike flattering her like she was a goddess. Everything she posted, whether it was happy or sad, was entirely focused on herself, and gaining people's reactions. I think she was a narcissist, very unpleasant to deal with underneath those lovely, heavily lined eyelids! She could come off however she wanted online, but she was so awful in person, I'm sorry. Perfectly happy when all attention was on her and when she was getting everything her way - but the slightest deviation from worshipping her, and watch out! Once she was unfairly attacking me, and her husband stood up for me - well, that was that. After that she was so mean to me it was awful, she actually even accused me of harboring the devil. SO. (This was one of the crazy people that aided my decision to get off of facebook. She even pestered me about why she couldn't access my photos when I was dealing with my mother's funeral arrangements.) Those are the two sides of the spectrum when it comes to why people have 1000 "friends"! I think most just think of it as a network, not real friends - others are totally self-centered and want a private audience to show off to.
 
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How is it though when I look at people profiles, they have over 1,000 friends? their is no way anyone knows over 1000 people? Is it a popularity contest and they just add random people?
Probably. And it is dangerous to do that. You might get some help for your fear of rejection at www.aspergerexperts.com. they have quite a bit of free help and advice, as well as some paid programs. Don't let anyone tell you it is a scam site. They have Asperger's themselves and can help you with lots of issues, and understanding why you are that way. Good luck!
 
I knew one person who felt bad turning down people's friend requests, so they would always add them - and people added for random reasons, like, just if they happened to meet them at a party or an event. Actually, there was one person whom he didn't even know - it was this "mystery" guy who had added himself to various people we knew, but I bet nobody even knew who it was, lol!

Now, I think most NTs don't confuse the "facebook friend" with real, actual friend - so he didn't really think much of it. And I know other people who just add "facebook friends" as contacts/network, so it's just useful for them.

Now, another person I knew had over 3000 friends - and she was always posting pictures of herself in a bikini, licking ice cream, all kinds of shots that showcased her beauty, and then she had male and female admirers alike flattering her like she was a goddess. Everything she posted, whether it was happy or sad, was entirely focused on herself, and gaining people's reactions. I think she was a narcissist, very unpleasant to deal with underneath those lovely, heavily lined eyelids! She could come off however she wanted online, but she was so awful in person, I'm sorry. Perfectly happy when all attention was on her and when she was getting everything her way - but the slightest deviation from worshipping her, and watch out! Once she was unfairly attacking me, and her husband stood up for me - well, that was that. After that she was so mean to me it was awful, she actually even accused me of harboring the devil. SO. (This was one of the crazy people that aided my decision to get off of facebook. She even pestered me about why she couldn't access my photos when I was dealing with my mother's funeral arrangements.) Those are the two sides of the spectrum when it comes to why people have 1000 "friends"! I think most just think of it as a network, not real friends - others are totally self-centered and want a private audience to show off to.
Yes, just like when I refused to tip that girl when she was a bully to me. I may of came off as a jerk, but I felt good about it, because I wasn't 2 faced. I wasn't going to pretend everything was A okay. I sort of know this girl, she's serving beers while I'm getting an education, so maybe I'm the one that's better than her.
 
I have problems with letting people in too,I think being abused and bullied also escalated this bit I do find it hard to connect with many and I don't even have Facebook,but yes I do have issues with making friends.
 
I've seen people go to pieces because they were "unfriended" by someone on Facebook.

I was one of these people for a long time. Since I'm literal I understood the word "friend" on Facebook in a sort of wrong way and considered my "friends" on it to be my real friends. Let's also keep in mind that I was really tired of being lonely all the time and wanted to be friends with pretty much all my college classmates. I had so many people remove me eventually, and based on the mutual friends it was only me that they removed. People did not understand me fully, they had no idea just how much that would crush my self-esteem; many of them just assumed that I was a jerk. I got extremely offended and just kept confronting those people for their actions. Some of them said that it was because I posted too much, others said that it was because they "they had nothing in common with me". I had quite a few of them block me as well and made even greater drama out of it. Not only would I confront the people who removed/blocked me, but I would also go around my other classmates and complain to them about how people always remove me, and that grew extremely tiresome. No wonder so many people winded up hating me. Eventually people started lying to me, saying that they have no idea how that happened, that it's a Facebook bug, blah blah. I know that because some of those lies have later been unraveled, but I decided to eventually...eventually...stop confronting those people for removing/blocking me as well as lying to me. Even after understanding that a Facebook friend is not necessarily a friend, it still hurt me a lot whenever a classmate would remove me and ONLY me, evidenced by the mutual "friends" we still have. I regret the way I've been behaving in college, both online and IRL and thus losing so many potential friends, and I keep worrying about possibly regressing into that - and I have nearly done so more than once. Facebook was just not for me, that's all - and joining it was one of my regrets. Right now I'm barely using it, actually; I just share some funny programming jokes on it from time to time.
 
I find it very difficult to get close to people, and 'friends' always seem to assume I'm closer to them than I really am, I honestly don't overly care about the majority of them. I don't know if that's an aspie trait or not.
i think its natural for autism
for me personally all i want is the relationship.i had with my mother before i began to be educated outside of my home
maybe we find it very hard maintain a deep friendship
i think maybe people perceive a message from people at hf end of as that says hardwork not shallow friendship or a person to lean on
so they put a wall up
 

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