Advice please. Thank you! :)

[PeacewithNature]

So I came back into someone's life again and he happens to be my old boyfriend. I ended up breaking up with him because at the time I had no idea what was going on with me and I needed to take care of myself but it killed me to leave him in the end. When I left him, he ended up finding a new girlfriend only to get heartbroken in the end and contacted me me over Facebook telling me about it. I talked to him right away and told him how sorry I was for leaving him the way I did and how horrible I felt, he told me it was okay and he forgave me but he needed me to be there for him right now. So we talked on the phone and he told me how he got with a girl, fell in love and how the girl ended up cheating on him with a guy she met over World of Warcraft, ended up leaving him for him, had a baby with him and married him and he had to take all his stuff out of the apartment. She used to use him as a personal bodyguard anytime she felt threatened by guys and used him for rides to take her places and he cried every time he left her house. Pretty soon he invited me over and picked me up and he brought up how much he missed me, how he cried when I left him and how he needed me in his life again because God told him to talk to me. He's Catholic and holds God really close to his heart and I see nothing wrong with that at all. I actually accepted God into my heart too recently. I know this isn't a religious Forum, but I'm going over everything he told me. Pretty soon he picked out small details about myself, analyzed things I did, said or how I was and mentioned it to me. At first I was hurt but it but in the back of mind I always remember how he used to do this when we used to be together and I decided to let it go, so I did. He's been Single for two years from his last break up. I noticed him liking me when he got a little close to me when he showed me his tires on his truck and he touched me lightly with his hand and moved me so I could get a better view. He even chuckled and looked away after he did this.

He ended up telling me about his disorder and I listened to him, told him I would be supportive and he held my hand. Than he mentioned once again, "Your such a good person." Pretty soon I had to go and I went to grab my bag for my computer and he picked me up showing me how strong he was. Once he placed me down and I was ready to go, he hugged me and he kissed me. Pretty soon we hung out everyday he greeted me every time with a hug and kissed me passionately. Than things go heavy. Once I told him I was moving things for me changed and I started getting sad because I didn't want to be far away from me. Ended up getting Kidney Stones and he visited me in the hospital and held my hand. Since than he got back into World of Warcraft and asked me to play with him and I agreed. For the longest time he couldn't played because of his old girlfriend. He invited me over his house twice and I stayed in the guest bedroom and we made love. He told how close he felt towards me. I know how emotions overwhelm him, I've been really sad since moving away and I hate saying Goodbye to him every time I leave his house. Believe my emotions overwhelmed him a little bit. A lot of my friends abandoned me due to things happening in my life and he said something to me online that was kinda blunt and it kinda hurt my feelings a little, I let him know and now he's being kinda distant. He mentioned being in a relationship a few times, than he pulls back and gets scared. Or he mentions how he's waiting for God to talk to him. He doesn't want to anger him. I'm not going to push anything on him. When I look at his eyes though, I see love, I see nothing but pure love. As we were cuddling on his bed he kissed my forehead and held me close to him and he told me how he's glad how I trust myself with him, how I'm not nervous and how he only wants me but nobody else and got upset when I mentioned getting a boyfriend and said how he just wants to run away by what I said. In the end I told him I just feel confused by him and he told me how sometimes he just likes to be alone and not talk to anyone, he kissed me and held me close to him. This is all very very confusing for me, but I'm very very supportive of him, I want to understand him, I want to be here for him and do whatever it takes. All I want is the best for him, that's all I want. All my ex boyfriend's didn't truly care for me, but when he looks at me it's different. It's real and I'm madly in love with him and I can't walk away from this. I won't give up on him. I've seen him have a angry once and after he cooled down, I gave him a hug and massaged his back. Over Facebook messenger he said, "I thank you so much for those!! " Well this is all I'm going to put for now. Just read everything you see here and tell me where I should go from here. Right now he's not talking to me and I'm trying not to push him to talk to me. I'm afraid the more I message him, the more he's going to ignore me. I miss him so much right now and I just want things to go back with how they used to be in the beginning. He even loved a band I showed him and he told me how much it relaxed him. I care so much about him.

 

[Cali Cat]

I'd like to be able to give you some advice, but you kind of lost me in the details of your post. Why is it exactly that he isn't talking to you at this point?

 

[PeacewithNature]

He said he's emotionally drained by college and work. I'm not really sure to be honest. All I know is that he's acting really weird after we made love, I left his house and I live 2 hrs away from him and when I said Goodbye to him he hugged me and kissed me, but it wasn't as passionate as it was before when I got to his house. I tried to get close to him in his garage and he kinda moved away and said how he's not very clingy but he's picking up on me being clingy. It's been a very long time since I've been with anyone. I told him that next time I'll try not to cling onto him so much and give him his space.

Over Facebook messenger I wanted to get something off of my chest and due to my learning disability which I have one sometimes I tend to forget what I say sometimes and he analyzes every little thing I say and pointed it out to me once again to me how I was repeating myself. Than said something to me rather bluntly. He's very sweet towards me and cares, he just tends to say a lot of blunt and crazy comments which shocks people. He said he can deal with it because he's a lot stronger than most people. It's just something he noticed about me. In the end I told him I was a little hurt by his comment and since than he hasn't talked to me or hasn't returned any of my messages. So now I'm trying not to push it any further. Once I went to my therapist and explained everything to her, she told me to never take anything he says literally and next time he says something to take it with a grain of salt. I'm just really hoping he talks to me again. So did I ruin my relationship with him? What should I do when he comes back? Just act normal and have a light conversation? I don't want to keep pushing him away.

 

[Cali Cat]

Oh, I see ...

Well, I can tell you that you are well within your rights to let him know when he has hurt your feelings. If he is as strong as he claims he is, he should be able to assimilate the information and make adjustments accordingly. This is not something that should have upset him if he cares about you.

Forgive me if I did not catch it in your first post, but is this the first time you two were physically intimate? If so, and he is extremely religious, he may be having some feelings of guilt and shame. It is also possible that he is one of those guys who becomes distant after they get the physical contact they desire with a woman. Neither of those things is very good, and it kind of leaves you out in the cold wondering what's going on.

I wouldn't be worried about pushing him at this point. I would want some answers. Don't be afraid to talk to him. Even if he doesn't answer you, I would ask him the questions you have on your mind. If you start walking on eggshells with him now, you'll be doing it for the rest of your relationship. That is no way to maintain a successful relationship by the way. If you say something that can push him away, then he is not as attached to you as you might think he is. It's better to know now, than to get more attached yourself and find out later.

 

[PeacewithNature]

It actually wasn't the first time. It was the first time he made love to me and the first time he got dominate with me though. I won't sugar coat that because I hate lying and brushing it under the rug. When I mentioned getting a boyfriend before, he mentioned about running away and disappearing. He got extremely sad and started mentioning how people in his past cheated on him and hurt him. Once I got on the phone with him he relaxed and calmed down and forgave me. I told him I just didn't honestly know what was going on. Sometimes he acts like he wants me to be his girlfriend, even mentioned it once and than he freaked out because someone was on my Facebook that brought back terrible memories for him. Right now I believe that he's scared because his last girlfriend hurt him really badly. I've already let him know that I was sad and that it hurt my feelings. He's acting weird and distant now, he told me that it's hard for him to take in other people's emotions, especially sadness.

As for sex, yeah I think he feels guilty anytime he does it yet he always wants to and mentions it to me. I always ask him if he's sure and he says yes. I think he likes to be alone and not touched afterwards. I love to cuddle and he mentioned how he's not the cuddling type. Before hand we always cuddle and he always holds me very close and kisses me. Anytime he gets angry I always try to relax him. I explained to him how I have a mood disorder I'm just not sure what it is yet, so whatever he feels from me, to ignore it and to relax around me. He said he would do exactly that. My doctors haven't properly diagnosed me yet which kinda frustrates me to be honest. I'll try to talk to him little by little. As of right now though I think I'm going to leave him alone for a bit though because I sent him a message earlier and he ignored it. Everything was going so perfectly well. He got so close to me, he looked at me so intensely, he kissed me so sweetly, he was so caring, loving and sweet to me and now he seems very closed off, distant and hardly will answer me back. I doubt I can get my answers from him when he won't answer any of my messages. Hate to assume things, if I had to guess though I think he's scared. In his bedroom I even said out loud to him, "You just don't want to admit that you care." I needed to know answers from him and in the end he agreed. Before hand he told me he cares and then he acts weird. It's like pushing and pulling. Coming, coming close, coming even closer and then pulling back. It's a pattern that I'm picking up on it. Believe this all has to do with him being cheated on.

 

[garnetflower13]

I for one would not know how to advise you on this matter. I once dated a guy who, in retrospect, had a great deal of emotional baggage! I made allowance after allowance for his erratic and weird behavior, only to get badly burned in the end. It was extremely traumatic and painful and put me off dating for a very long time.

Be sure you know what you are getting into. I have noticed that women, myself included tend to make excuses for their love interest early in the relationship. They even get to the point of bending over backward to keep a guy who is giving off signals of emotional instability, which it sounds like this guy is giving.

From your recounting of his courtship it sounded to me like he got you feeling sorry for him, then you were intimate,now he is giving you the cold shoulder. If someone really loves you, they want to be with you and not ignore you after they had sex. One can only excuse so much behavior then one has to ask themselves how much they will put up with in the name of love?

Here's something that sounds similar:http://www.yourtango.com/experts/virginia-clark/blindsided-when-you-date-runaway-man-expert-0

 

[PeacewithNature]

I for one would not know how to advise you on this matter. I once dated a guy who, in retrospect, had a great deal of emotional baggage! I made allowance after allowance for his erratic and weird behavior, only to get badly burned in the end. It was extremely traumatic and painful and put me off dating for a very long time.

Be sure you know what you are getting into. I have noticed that women, myself included tend to make excuses for their love interest early in the relationship. They even get to the point of bending over backward to keep a guy who is giving off signals of emotional instability, which it sounds like this guy is giving.

From your recounting of his courtship it sounded to me like he got you feeling sorry for him, then you were intimate,now he is giving you the cold shoulder. If someone really loves you, they want to be with you and not ignore you after they had sex. One can only excuse so much behavior then one has to ask themselves how much they will put up with in the name of love?

Here's something that sounds similar:http://www.yourtango.com/experts/virginia-clark/blindsided-when-you-date-runaway-man-expert-0

Yeah I'm leaving him alone for now actually because I can't handle anymore of the stress. He knows that I'm always here for him, he told me there's times where he likes to be alone where he doesn't like to talk. He spoke to me two days ago and now he's back to not speaking to me again. Right now I'm kinda backing away from him. We both still play World Of Warcraft and I'll most likely only will speak to him on there. He did tell me that he cares for me, that he still likes me and that he loves me and how I'm the first woman he's had sex with since his last girlfriend broke up with him. He kept telling me how he doesn't want anyone else and got upset when I mentioned how if he continues on acting weird I might move on and find somebody else. So as of right now I'm putting this on the back burner because I can't stress over this anymore. My niece is coming here in two days and if he wants to continue to act weird towards me than he can continue to act weird towards me. When I do talk to him again, I do plan on speaking my mind. Just right now I rather not get into it. If he truly misses me, he'll reach out to me himself. I'm done chasing after him.

 

[garnetflower13]

Sounds good to me! BTW, which of you are Aspie?

 

[PeacewithNature]

Sounds good to me! BTW, which of you are Aspie?

He is. I'm unaware of my what disorder is at this point. All I know is that after we made love he freaked out and got distant and here I am thinking I did something wrong. He told me I was the first girl he had sex with in two years and I believe him because he's an extremely picky person.

 

[garnetflower13]

That explains a lot! Aspies often get to a point where they withdraw in order to process experiences. Hopefully they surface again; but I can't be sure if that is what is going on with this guy that you are talking about. The important thing is this: Can you live with frequent disappearing acts? Because if that is what is going on, it isn't going to stop. I have made friends in past, had a great time with them, then began to feel overwhelmed by them. At this time I would just stop communication because I wasn't sure what was going on, except that I needed space. And of course these friends would get anxious and bombard me with texts and phone messages, which only served to make me want to avoid them more. I always picture socializing like a giant conveyer belt with various things on it, going into my mind. These things are made up of experiences that I am having with someone socially; conversations, smells, textures, etc. When the conveyor belt gets overloaded, it jams and I have to shut it down and sort through all the stuff on it, to make room for the next batch. The only way to do this is by retreating from all contact for awhile. Maybe he is doing this!

 

[Cali Cat]

The important thing is this: Can you live with frequent disappearing acts? Because if that is what is going on, it isn't going to stop.

This is a very good point!

I know from my own experience it takes a very secure and self-reliant man to have a relationship with me, especially in the beginning. I am very likely to disappear for days or weeks when I get overwhelmed. Even after the relationship is established, I've been told I emotionally withdraw and become preoccupied frequently.

It's not something we "get over."

 

[PeacewithNature]

That explains a lot! Aspies often get to a point where they withdraw in order to process experiences. Hopefully they surface again; but I can't be sure if that is what is going on with this guy that you are talking about. The important thing is this: Can you live with frequent disappearing acts? Because if that is what is going on, it isn't going to stop. I have made friends in past, had a great time with them, then began to feel overwhelmed by them. At this time I would just stop communication because I wasn't sure what was going on, except that I needed space. And of course these friends would get anxious and bombard me with texts and phone messages, which only served to make me want to avoid them more. I always picture socializing like a giant conveyer belt with various things on it, going into my mind. These things are made up of experiences that I am having with someone socially; conversations, smells, textures, etc. When the conveyor belt gets overloaded, it jams and I have to shut it down and sort through all the stuff on it, to make room for the next batch. The only way to do this is by retreating from all contact for awhile. Maybe he is doing this!

Yeah I can live with it. This is why I came here. Because I love him so much and I want to understand him better. He's done this to me twice already so far since I visited him. I live 2 hrs away from him and he got extremely sad when I moved away. There was even a time when he would send me text messages, "Are you back in town yet? Can you please tell me when you come back in town." Than I was at Walmart buying stuff and I sent him a text telling him I was in Walmart and once again he sent me a text, "You mean you're in town? I want to see you!" He says he's not clingy, yet there's times where he is clingy but I never point it out to him. There's never a time where I ever point out things he does out to him ever. I simply let it go because I know he does things randomly.

If there's anything else I need to know I'll simply post about it in another section. To be honest I plan on ordering a book off of amazon and reading it so I can fully understand this. I usually understand things whenever I read books. I think it'll help me understand him more. He said how his last ex girlfriend never cared about him. He told in person how caring, nice and what a good person I am which I am. I just have a learning disability and I was very confused as to what was going on. I found this Forum last night and I'm glad I did. I care about him a lot and I'll do whatever it takes for me to understand him, support him and be by his side. His ex was actually my friend at one time and she mentioned it to me, but I dropped her as a friend once I got depressed because I had precancer on my cervix and got depressed and felt suicidal at one point. She couldn't be there for me at all, but yet the person who has asperger's was there for me and then I dropped his ex as a friend. The reason she started talking to me was cause she wanted to know what I wanted with him which wasn't really any of her business after she cheated on him with another guy. I know emotions and all this information is a lot for you to take in all at once and thanks for listening. Just wanted someone to understand.

 

[garnetflower13]

Sure, no problem! He's lucky to have been involved with you, however it all turns out. I had to learn to accept this thing about needing space, but since my husband and I are both on the spectrum, we just retreat into different rooms and play video games or watch stuff. Sometimes one of us is more needy than the other and we somehow work it out.

I think your decision to focus on the visit of your niece is good. Maybe when he is ready, he'll communicate.

 

[PeacewithNature]

Sure, no problem! He's lucky to have been involved with you, however it all turns out. I had to learn to accept this thing about needing space, but since my husband and I are both on the spectrum, we just retreat into different rooms and play video games or watch stuff. Sometimes one of us is more needy than the other and we somehow work it out.

I think your decision to focus on the visit of your niece is good. Maybe when he is ready, he'll communicate.

Yeah I think the next time I'm over there and he's doing his own thing, maybe I should too. He never wants me to leave the room since I live 2 hrs away and hardly see him. Just think I should read a book, play a game online, watch a movie or do something else so I'm not thinking that I did something wrong and worrying constantly. Once he saw me passing out on his bed and he did wake me up gently and told me if I was tired to go get changed and lay down and sleep. I even remember him setting up my bed, setting the pillows up in a certain way and as he closed the door as I was laying down he chuckled and said, "Goodnight."

We both play World Of Warcraft. I was playing the game earlier tonight and during me playing the game he logged on. I didn't try to message him or anything. As I was playing the game I got a really bad headache due to sound sensitivity and it just got done storming which made my headache much worse. My eyes were closing and I logged off from playing the game. As I went to sleep and woke up, I kept noticing how he was from available, to away and then back to available again. I'd message him at this point in time, I think it's best for me to give him the space he needs so I don't push him further away from him me. As I was on Facebook I noticed how he posted something at 4 AM in the morning and he's usually asleep by then. There's just little things I'm picking up on by the net and in a way I feel that he does miss me and that he's thinking of me, I just think right now he has a lot on his mind and needs to be alone.

In the past I remember him doing this kind of thing to me and I always used to get upset at him. He however didn't know about his disorder and neither did I. In person after finding out about his disorder I told him I might get emotional and it might be a lot for him to take in. He just told me to get it out and talk to him. I asked him if he was sure and he told me to get it out before it ends up exploding and getting worse. I cried and told him how sorry I was for the way I acted in the past and he told me to drop it and to let it go, that he forgive me and that everything I did was nothing to what his ex did. That's when he told me what a good person I was and how he wouldn't be talking to me again if he saw me as a threat.

I'll update if I need too. Thanks again for everyone listening to me.

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

To be perfectly honest, I read all of the original post and a few posts to follow. I see a few people stumped and can understand that. I hate to say this but I have quite a bit of advice for you but I would put money on you not liking it or even taking it.

To be blunt, you have reasonable concerns because there are some majorly obvious problems with some pragmatically simple answers but you do not show any signs of wanting to do anything difficult, you just want things to go your way. Have you considered that the advice you need may not be the advice you want? And don't lie because I'm good at spotting these things and I don't give advice when it seems obvious that it won't take. I don't say this to be mean but I am a very thorough and observant person and you gave much material to observe and process. I have an idea on where you can start but I'm not naive either, this isn't my first rodeo. I can tell when a girl's heart is in pain but not ready for the sting of sterilization. I'm prefacing any advice with a choice in order to be nice.

I would like to help but it starts with you showing a willingness to take a few sacrifices to your personal ideals. Otherwise, feel free to tell me you aren't interested in what I have to say, it honestly won't hurt my feelings. I'd rather not spend an hour typing for someone who doesn't want to hear what I'm going to say.

 

[PeacewithNature]

To be perfectly honest, I read all of the original post and a few posts to follow. I see a few people stumped and can understand that. I hate to say this but I have quite a bit of advice for you but I would put money on you not liking it or even taking it.

To be blunt, you have reasonable concerns because there are some majorly obvious problems with some pragmatically simple answers but you do not show any signs of wanting to do anything difficult, you just want things to go your way. Have you considered that the advice you need may not be the advice you want? And don't lie because I'm good at spotting these things and I don't give advice when it seems obvious that it won't take. I don't say this to be mean but I am a very thorough and observant person and you gave much material to observe and process. I have an idea on where you can start but I'm not naive either, this isn't my first rodeo. I can tell when a girl's heart is in pain but not ready for the sting of sterilization. I'm prefacing any advice with a choice in order to be nice.

I would like to help but it starts with you showing a willingness to take a few sacrifices to your personal ideals. Otherwise, feel free to tell me you aren't interested in what I have to say, it honestly won't hurt my feelings. I'd rather not spend an hour typing for someone who doesn't want to hear what I'm going to say.

I want things to go my way? Absolutely not. I'm not the controlling type at all. All I wanted to know was about his disorder which is asperger's which is why I came here for. Listen no offense, I don't really care to hear what you have to say if you're going to be like that. I came here for support. I think I'm done here.

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

You misunderstand my tone. I have every intention of being supportive but often I spend hours trying to advise people and they just go off on me. And if you are going to "be done" with this whole forum due to one post you really aren't giving the rest of these great people much of a fair chance now are you?

If you want to know about aspergers the first thing you cannot do is bristle up at anything less than bubbly and sweet. But don't worry, I won't give you any more time myself.

 

[Cali Cat]

All I wanted to know was about his disorder which is asperger's which is why I came here .... Listen no offense, I don't really care to hear what you have to say if you're going to be like that. I came here for support. I think I'm done here.

Now you are beginning to understand what Asperger's is like. Perhaps you would fare better by finding a nice neurotypical fellow who is skilled in sugar coating the truth? Not all Aspies are this blunt, but we all have our moments. Good luck to you.

 

[Maelstrom]

9 to 1 he is a touch sensitive

 

[garnetflower13]

I think the OP is done here.