Advice on dealing with other half.

[Kevin L.]

My girlfriend and I live together, and bought a home together.

She is very obsessed with getting the house exactly the way she wants it.

She doesn't understand my need for reserved, subdued colors. It's just as much my house as it is hers, yet she threatens to leave me if I put my foot down on certian things regarding decorating.

She seems to intellectually understand autistic sensory issues, but doesn't accept when it gets down to the wire of deciding how things should look.

How does someone in my position resolve this issue?

Thank you in advance for your ideas.

 

[Mia]

Have that same need in the way of colour in my environment, the colours in my home are not bright or trendy. Ask her to compromise, whatever she picks, using a colour palette chip, calm down that pick by using the bottom choice of the same colour chip. If it's something you can live with.

Using this as a means to get her own way, and saying she will leave you is ridiculous. It seems childish to leave someone simply because you don't agree on the decorating. Request that you both agree on the colour choices so that you pick these particular things together. Then back off on the rest of it. If she refuses, then call her on her decision to leave as a manipulative all or nothing stance.

Another thing you might try, go shopping at a brightly coloured home furnishing store. And sit on the furniture and spend some time there. Ask her how she feels about bright colours after that. I've lived with bright colours in apartments I've rented, and soon after discovered they made me anxious and I began to dislike certain hues afterward.

 

[Tom]

What color does she want to use that you object to?

 

[Misery]

she threatens to leave me if I put my foot down on certian things regarding decorating.

Wait, what? Who DOES that?

This bit here sounds like more of a problem than anything else, if it turns out she actually means it. Though, even using that as a bluff is bad enough.

Something tells me this is only the beginning of your troubles.

 

[GadAbout]

Unmarried people buying a house together are usually asking for a messy separation down the road.

But never mind that. See if you can get her to compromise, and here's what I mean: If the walls and ceiling can be painted a neutral or quiet color, perhaps the trim work could be a bright color. Or use brightly colored accent pillows, lamp shades, or art.

 

[Fino]

Unless decorating is just unusually important for her, it's likely more about control than it is about decorating.

 

[Peter Morrison]

If this is her first house, and yours too, then you shouldn't be fighting over anything. You should both understand the purpose of making decisions that make you both happy. Putting the house together should be a joy, even though it is a real task. You should both be able to give a little. If she is insisting on making all the decisions, then take her up on the offer to leave. Is a split-up and a fight over real estate worth the cost of having brightly colored walls? The color will be toned down a bit once you hang pictures and add some tree-like plants. A bright color is a strong commitment, so work together on choosing a color or shade you can both be comfortable with. Fear not, you will get through this. Some people's needs can be very severe. I sense control in this equation. I don't necessarily think she is trying to hurt you by having a color that prompts anxiety, but her need for color seems to be quite intense. She needs to be reminded that you should OK the final color. She might produce something that you are comfortable with, even if it is brighter than sandy beige. Also, I hope she realizes that the color on a little paint swatch will be significantly more monstrous once you put it on a wall. Your next defense: what goes with your furniture and artwork? Discuss the color issue while focusing on agreement. People change their minds about color often. That's why it is a task. Don't argue if you can help it. This should be enjoyable and exciting.

 

[Aspychata]

How about you pick rooms and you decide each how your room looks. If she wants living room then you get to decide bedroom. If she wants kitchen you get spare office. Then maybe you both will comprise a bit so it doesn't end up looking haphazard. If she really cares about you, she should include you in all decisions.

The part about leaving is sad. This smacks of a control issue to me. My way or the highway,not conducive to longterm relationship. Please tell her when she says that- it is disrespectful to you. So sorry that she isn't more mature. l like joint decisions because it keeps the peace, and two heads can have great ideas.

Another idea, buy identical decorating magazines, maybe 2 each of the same. Take your two magazines, cute out the rooms you like best. Throw in some fav stuff. Have her take out her mags, have her do the same. Then compare to see if you both picked something the same. Then the decorating can lean in the most liked similar pictures, and you have learned to compromise and be a mature couple. (sorta, except for the toliet seat dilemma).

 

[Kirsty]

My mother loves to have pink decoration all around the house. Now she’s moved in with her new partner, she wants to turn his lovely neutral coloured home into pink. I said don’t let her.

 

[Graphin]

To me this seems like something that mostly can over be resolved before buying a house.

 

[Aspychata]

My mother loves to have pink decoration all around the house. Now she’s moved in with her new partner, she wants to turn his lovely neutral coloured home into pink. I said don’t let her.

If it's already done in beige,she probably just leave as such. Pink and beige are not the best combo.

 

[paloftoon]

If she doesn't properly compromise with you, leave before things get worse. Make sure you're entitled to either half or whatever percentage of the home you put your money in to and leave. Being in a relationship and being together is about being together. Not about being controlled unless you want to be controlled in this manner- which is apparently not the case.

As for the idea of having her sit around brightly colored furniture, just because the boyfriend gets annoyed by bright colors doesn't mean the girlfriend will. In fact, that would just give her an ego boost most likely and she would revel in the bright colors even more. Remember, no two people are necessarily quite alike, and that's okay. It's about two people and how they treat each other, and knowing when to stand up for yourself for respect and when to compromise. It should be more of a balance.

Once you're married, it's much harder to get out. She doesn't understand a key thing about yourself. This is important. Look for a reference she can read on how bright colors can affect some individuals.
You should at least have some rooms you can hide out in. Maybe a color like all white would work well and the bright colors could match up the other rooms.

Having such color contrast differences could de-value the home if the colors don't flow properly. Maybe you should call in one of those home experts on a TV show if you and your girlfriend don't mind being televised. It could make for good tv, and you could get help you need whether it's a home that works for both of you or a good sign to get out of this bad relationship while you still can (it's okay to try to stay friends with her if that is possible.)

 

[Kirsty]

If it's already done in beige,she probably just leave as such. Pink and beige are not the best combo.

Decoration as in pink wallpaper, curtains, sofas and floors. The wallpaper is definitely on her thoughts. Don’t know about the rest yet, but we had a house like it in the past.

 

[OrangeSquash]

I don't have an constructive answer for you unfortunately, but I can empathize as my ex said she always understood that I don't like passive touch (her hand on my thigh etc) but she insisted on it anyway. We split up.

 

[Shenandoah]

If she threatens to leave you over this for real than maybe leave she should. Even if you didn't have the sensory issues.

 

[paloftoon]

Could a basement room be added where the room is specifically cushioned and/or made sound proof? Maybe a room without windows and bright colors? Something where you are willing to take on the full cost of such an addition? Just a thought that could possibly work.

 

[Jason Bennett]

You'll probably want to sit her down and explain how colors affect your peace and comfort. If she really cares, she will hear you, and be glad to compromise. If she doesn't care enough about your struggles with color, she will insist on her way. If she understands your struggles and still disrepects your input, I would consider that she may not be the best fit for you. If she is willing to disregard your color struggle, I can only imagine how many other things she will control in your relationship/life.