Advice about a friendship situation

[AuroraBorealis]

Hi, this might seem a silly thing to worry about, but I've had some bad experiences in the past with my friendships getting entangled with each other, and I'm afraid of this repeating itself.

My current situation is that all of my friends have no close connection between each other, they are, so to speak, "independent" friends. This wasn't intentional, but I like it this way, since in the past I had problems when almost all of my friends knew each other very well and were also friends between each other. One girl liked to talk about others behind their back, something I said got put out of context, misunderstandings arose - highschool clique trouble, I guess. I'm glad not to be in such a situation anymore.

Now, I got to know a person, let's name him Jack, a while ago, he was/is friends with my current best friend (let's name her Lisa). We met at our joint birthday party. At the time, Jack and Lisa were very good friends, and Jack and I really hit it off at the party. We had several shared interests and, in general, got along very well. Since then, Jack and I have been texting and have been talking about meeting for some video games or just to hang out. It never happened until now and the text conversation isn't extremely frequent, since Jack suffers from depression and finds it hard to answer to messages, but I like him and would like to keep the connection.

Now, Lisa and Jack have started to have problems for a while now. I think Lisa got too worked up in trying to solve Jack's (depression-related) issues for him and got impatient when he couldn't be as problem-solving and practical as she usually is. They have also had some disagreements about other things. And Lisa wanted to get included into Jack's group of old school friends, something Jack didn't really want and this hurt Lisa's feelings. Now, apparently they had some other disagreement (I don't know any details, though), and Lisa told me that she wants some space from Jack. It's possible that their friendship won't last much longer.

As far as I know, Jack hasn't behaved intentionally mean or in some way that I would find unacceptable. It seems to me that they simply had different views about different things. I know Lisa and I know that she can be a bit difficult to deal with sometimes, same way as I expect that Jack can be. I understand Lisa when she tells me stuff about this, and I also understand Jack. I would like to continue this developing connection Jack and I seem to have, despite the problems Lisa and Jack seem to have with each other. However, I don't want to get entangled in this. I don't want to hurt Lisa's feelings by staying in contact and being friends with Jack. Lisa has been my friend for a few years now and she is important to me. But I don't meet people often whom I connect with well, and I would find it sad to cut off the connection with Jack only because he and Lisa are no longer compatible as friends. From what Lisa has told me, I don't think their "problems" would be an issue between Jack and me, since Lisa and I are very different people with different needs in friendships. But I don't want to cause some sort of "friends entanglement", or her feeling betrayed by me.

I know this is sort of silly highschool stuff I should have outgrown by now. But, as I said, I had some really unpleasant experiences with friendships.

Do you have any advice?
Why does this have to be so complicated? Why do people have to feel betrayed or like you're disloyal when you simply understand both sides in an argument?

Thank you for reading and for your help.

 

[marc_101]

From the outside, the issue seems clear to me. Neither Lisa nor Jack have any say on your choice of friends. So the best strategy is to be honest with both and continue your friendships. If they don't get along, you can always listen, but they would be in the wrong if they get upset because you decide to remain friends with both of them.

Honesty is usually the best thing in these situations. And some strength on your part so you don't feel guilty.

 

[Thinx]

It sounds like you think Lisa would feel betrayed if she distances from Jack and you don't, or if you become more friendly with him? Maybe she has said that would be hard for her? This is awkward for you.

Friendships aren't static are they, so there is a possibility that Lisa would distance from you aswell, I suppose. But then what's the alternative? You may get frustrated with Lisa's attitude if she can't let you be friends with him. All you can do really is talk it through if it comes up.

The difference should be, you are not in school and are all older and wiser, and can see each others different perspectives. But it could be you are better at that than Lisa?

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Thank you both for your help. You are right that the issue seems clear and that Lisa shouldn't "forbid" me from being friends with Jack. I'm not expecting her to. But it is entirely possible that she would feel hurt and like I am disloyal to her.

To be honest, I am mostly just frustrated about this. I have never in my life understood why people get worked up about who their friends are friends with. I also never understood why, for example, it's "girl code" that you aren't friends with your friend's ex-boyfriend. Dating them, okay, I guess I understand that. But just being friendly with them if you get along well? I'm not talking about people who have done something really bad and hurtful. But just people who had a disagreement, did not see eye to eye and split up. Why do I have to despise someone just because you two had a disagreement? Why am I disloyal to you if I understand both your views and want to stay out of it and still like that person?
And the same thing with friends.
I guess I know what the recommended thing here would be: I talk to Lisa about this and explain why I would like to remain in touch with Jack, despite them not being friends anymore, and Lisa should understand this, and we all move on.
But I'm frustrated as to why it's even necessary that I think so much about this and plan this through. Why can't people just see things rationally? Why can't people differentiate between what they feel and what's objective?
Sorry for the rant. This is just something that frustrates me because it makes things so unnecessarily difficult.

 

[Kitsuna]

Dating them, okay, I guess I understand that. But just being friendly with them if you get along well? I'm not talking about people who have done something really bad and hurtful. But just people who had a disagreement, did not see eye to eye and split up. Why do I have to despise someone just because you two had a disagreement? Why am I disloyal to you if I understand both your views and want to stay out of it and still like that person?
And the same thing with friends.
I guess I know what the recommended thing here would be: I talk to Lisa about this and explain why I would like to remain in touch with Jack, despite them not being friends anymore, and Lisa should understand this, and we all move on.

I don’t think this is silly to bring up since there is sometimes a code that you’re talking about. I agree with you about it possibly being out of bounds socially if Jack was an ex, but she doesn’t have any wiggle room when it’s a friend situation. It’s better to rant here than actually do something wrong while venting at Lisa.

 

[Tom]

Are or were they in a relationship? The wording makes it sound like it never progressed between them into more then friends.

If it was a relationship I would say not to break off from him but keep it chill and not move into a relationship yourself (if that was desired) until you are certain things are over and done between them.

If it was just a friendship I think you could progress as you wish but it might be good to let her know about your friendship (if she doesn't already) so you aren't hiding anything.

I think it noteable he did not wish to introduce her to his old friends. That would have hurt my feelings if I was her. I don't know why that was the case but it is easy to come up with negative meaning to it.

 

[marc_101]

I guess I know what the recommended thing here would be: I talk to Lisa about this and explain why I would like to remain in touch with Jack, despite them not being friends anymore, and Lisa should understand this, and we all move on.
But I'm frustrated as to why it's even necessary that I think so much about this and plan this through. Why can't people just see things rationally? Why can't people differentiate between what they feel and what's objective?
Sorry for the rant. This is just something that frustrates me because it makes things so unnecessarily difficult.

Keep in mind something, though. You're the one who is reacting and worrying. They did not ask you to do so.

Sometimes it's helpful to realize that you have a choice. You could choose to do whatever is right to do for your well-being, and you can also choose not to worry about it.

I try to tell the same to myself. I try to practice selfishness.

 

[DaisyRose]

Make sure you have people around you who support your well being. If you have people who are disregarding you, cut them off. You can always find better people to hang out with.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Keep in mind something, though. You're the one who is reacting and worrying. They did not ask you to do so.

Sometimes it's helpful to realize that you have a choice. You could choose to do whatever is right to do for your well-being, and you can also choose not to worry about it.

I try to tell the same to myself. I try to practice selfishness.

... Yeah, you're spot on with this. It's one of my weaknesses, to get worked up about things that, for now, exist only in my head. Usually it's fuelled by past experiences, so it's not like it's completely without foundation, but often the situation I worry about hasn't even happened yet. I am trying to worry less, but it's hard because often it happens by itself.

I think it noteable he did not wish to introduce her to his old friends. That would have hurt my feelings if I was her. I don't know why that was the case but it is easy to come up with negative meaning to it.

He did introduce her to his old friends and they did all hang out together and did things. But the thing was that she, as his friend, wanted to get completely included into his old friend group and become a fixed part of it and be asked join in any activities they did, while he wanted to keep things a bit more separate. I understand both, in this case.