accomadations and strategies for pragmatic language issues?

[lightpollute]

hi there,
brand new member. i was wondering what works for you for improving communication with neurotypicals. it’s like we speak two different languages. i say one thing, they hear another. they say something that has a double meaning, i take it literally. most of what i try to say politely comes accross to them as being rude and too direct.

it’s especially becoming a problem at work and with my therapist, who thinks i constantly ask questions because i’m being defiant, oppositional, or wasn’t paying attention, when i’m just making sure i understood correctly.

are there accommodations that have worked for you? should i make a list explaining how i communicate and present this to my supervisor? is going to speech language pathologist worth it and if it worked for you what therapy strategies did you use? tia.

 

[Katleya]

This is a big one. I need a little more time to think about it before I can come up with a proper answer, as I face this problem quite often, too (I had posted about it a while back, maybe you'll find something interesting in this post: Explanations perceived as excuses ... at least, you'll see that a lot of us have communication problems, although in that case it was a different one).

 

[lightpollute]

This is a big one. I need a little more time to think about it before I can come up with a proper answer, as I face this problem quite often, too (I had posted about it a while back, maybe you'll find something interesting in this post: Explanations perceived as excuses ... at least, you'll see that a lot of us have communication problems, although in that case it was a different one).

thank you for sharing this thread! i did a quick search to see what others had posted but didn’t see this one. it is comforting to know i’m not alone. my gut tells me nts have to do half the work and the burden shouldn’t only be on us. i wouldn’t care about how they percieve me if it weren’t affecting my job.

i made a list of how to communicate better for nts, like don’t use metaphors or euphemisms, speak literally, ask clarifying questions if someone leaves out details, name emotional states instead of expecting people to read your body language, but that is like their entire communication system lol. and i don’t know if my supervisor would even take it seriously.

 

[OkRad]

I have learned to get onto their page fast. Or to be alone and sad. Those are my two choices. The sad part is that other Aspies do it, too, so we keep missing each other. Two aspies in a room, talking like NTs and missing out on any real conversation.

Now, I do not hate NTs. I like people and want to be a light in the world. I also suffer a lot and want so badly to connect. It can go well if it's just a smile and a few words and it can go GREAT if an NT wants to talk about cool stuff. They do sometimes.

But, it can crash badly if the NT has too many issues or likes to dominate or worse...those touch and go interactions. "Hey, how are you!?" and then they turn away and you don't even get a chance to say anything and to them, wow, what a great conversation!

I don't have advice because I just hop into their world because I hate to be so alone in my own. Often I just listen. Sometimes I just smile. Or fistbump. Or try to tell them they look nice. Or something nice about them because the ones I like are good people.

 

[Chance]

hi there,
brand new member. i was wondering what works for you for improving communication with neurotypicals. it’s like we speak two different languages. i say one thing, they hear another. they say something that has a double meaning, i take it literally. most of what i try to say politely comes accross to them as being rude and too direct.

it’s especially becoming a problem at work and with my therapist, who thinks i constantly ask questions because i’m being defiant, oppositional, or wasn’t paying attention, when i’m just making sure i understood correctly.

are there accommodations that have worked for you? should i make a list explaining how i communicate and present this to my supervisor? is going to speech language pathologist worth it and if it worked for you what therapy strategies did you use? tia.

I learned how to fake being an NT... It turned into the very nightmare that got me diagnosed...
So maybe thats not good advice...

If I had the answer for your question my gut tells me, I (or we) would be some very rich people.
My concept is oil and water, but there are compounds that DO allow them to mix... Things like common ground, respect for our differences, maybe not commenting even though your insides are screaming to do so...

My answer has always been to mostly be nonverbal and just stay out of the way... Later in life I became the GM of the company I run (long story)... I was terrified, but at the same time... It made accommodations where I get to set the narrative, which is much more forgiving than the dictator who was running the whole thing into the ground... (which is how I got my job)

Its just an area thats tough, and I have never quite mastered it. I just apologize when I mess up and move on and I try and ALWAYS know we are all different, and I expect no one to cater to me, but I don't want them using me either. : )

 

[lightpollute]

I learned how to fake being an NT... It turned into the very nightmare that got me diagnosed...
So maybe thats not good advice...

If I had the answer for your question my gut tells me, I (or we) would be some very rich people.
My concept is oil and water, but there are compounds that DO allow them to mix... Things like common ground, respect for our differences, maybe not commenting even though your insides are screaming to do so...

My answer has always been to mostly be nonverbal and just stay out of the way... Later in life I became the GM of the company I run (long story)... I was terrified, but at the same time... It made accommodations where I get to set the narrative, which is much more forgiving than the dictator who was running the whole thing into the ground... (which is how I got my job)

Its just an area thats tough, and I have never quite mastered it. I just apologize when I mess up and move on and I try and ALWAYS know we are all different, and I expect no one to cater to me, but I don't want them using me either. : )

wow! how did you fake being nt? was it exhausting or stressful at all? i do make an effort to make at least some eye contact especially because my job involves a lot of interpersonal interaction, but i can only do so much before becoming tired.

what i would ideally like to do is make a list of accomadations i can officially submit to my employer. i have one from when i was diagnosed adhd but they don’t address communication issues. i do worry that it will backfire and they’ll think i’m not able to do the job.

 

[Chance]

wow! how did you fake being nt? was it exhausting or stressful at all?

I learned to fake it by studying other people. I watched every move they made. I watched their posture. I watched what their faces looked like in certain conversations... I was still never really good at it, for the simple reason I didn't know what the emotions went with the expressions... Sure I knew anger, and laughter, but my dog knows that much... and lots more.

People say we are "emotionless" and in that one regard I agree, BUT in all honestly we may in fact have more emotions than others, and no way to fully express them... I have always kind of wondered if that is the root of ASD? I get really upset when they say we are heartless and stuff like that... In my case and the case of many others on here, that is simply not true.

Faking it:
Yes, it was exhausting, but I was young and I just basically thought I was doing what every one else had to do also... I didn't know at that time that it was just natural for other people, but by the time I hit my early 20's I knew deep within me that something was really messed up.

Later I started getting super depressed. I would lash out at people who changed my schedule. I would just go blank and sort of not know where I was at times... Then I started having massive panic attacks (later called panic disorder) and the Tourettes showed back up... On the third visit to the ER I was referred to a specialist after they couldn't find anything physically wrong with me... They knew I needed to get the panic disorder and then shutdowns back in order... and then I was branded ASD + other stuff, and the rest is history.

Overtime, I noticed that in one form or another, we are all actors - until we cant hold who we really are in anymore...

 

[Katleya]

what i would ideally like to do is make a list of accomadations i can officially submit to my employer. i have one from when i was diagnosed adhd but they don’t address communication issues. i do worry that it will backfire and they’ll think i’m not able to do the job.

As an Aspie, I totally get your intention, and how you're trying to improve the situation for yourself and possibly the rest of your team, by extension.
BUT
As an Aspie who submitted a list of difficulties I could meet, and how to circumvent them, to a very diplomatic, quiet NT boss... the best intentions can backfire badly. Unless you are absolutely certain that they will NEVER use it against you, that you won't ever change managers and end up with a less understanding manager who would see the list as a checklist of defaults to look for in your work and reason to terminate your employment, don't do it. Personally, I mistook the diplomacy and quietness for... not for kindness, but I thought it couldn't mean adversity. Turns out he was just being super fake like he had learned he was supposed to be in society.
It didn't end well for me, and I didn't get a single one of the suggested accommodations, none of which were costly, but it fueled even more bullying.

The only solution I can think of for accommodations is going through another organization, not sure what country you're in, but sometimes there are medical visits for work, and those doctors can have a say in what you need to do your job. Check what bodies exist to regulate accommodating disability in the workplace, and get in touch with them, rather than taking the initiative (which is ironic, because people are usually praised for initiatives).