Accidentally embarassing people?

[granolaturtle]

I feel horrible. My friend was telling me about how she didn't have money to buy food and that she went most of the day without food until she was too nauseous not to eat.

Of course, my aspie brain was like, if someone doesn't have food and they're your friend (plus drive you around places and plus I was wearing a shirt she had bought me months earlier), you get them food. And so when we stopped at a store, I got her some Ramen, which she likes.

And before she left my house she was like, "oh, don't forget your food."

And I was like, that's yours. And she was like, no, it's yours. She ended up taking one of the two bowls for her brother but i went ahead and took the larger pack.

I feel bad. Like, really, really bad.

What the heck is wrong with me?

 

[Hartley]

You did nothing wrong

 

[Judge]

I feel horrible. My friend was telling me about how she didn't have money to buy food and that she went most of the day without food until she was too nauseous not to eat.

Of course, my aspie brain was like, if someone doesn't have food and they're your friend (plus drive you around places and plus I was wearing a shirt she had bought me months earlier), you get them food. And so when we stopped at a store, I got her some Ramen, which she likes.

And before she left my house she was like, "oh, don't forget your food."

And I was like, that's yours. And she was like, no, it's yours. She ended up taking one of the two bowls for her brother but i went ahead and took the larger pack.

I feel bad. Like, really, really bad.

What the heck is wrong with me?

Don't beat yourself up over that. One thing I'm inclined to think happens to many of us on the spectrum is that in real-time social situations we can't necessarily process social issues as well as we'd like to. Especially if such situations catch us by surprise, as this one likely did.

You did the most important thing. You got her food. But what may have confused it all was her pride, and perhaps a bit of passive-aggressiveness. She didn't want charity, despite how she went into detail about going hungry. She may ultimately not have accepted the larger pack even if you made a point to give it to her.

It put you into an awkward position...and I would have likely gone into a mental loop of sorts myself. In real-time it would have confused me as well. But in Aspie fashion after the fact is when you probably gave it much more thought and then proceded to beat yourself up over it. Hey....I do that too. We aren't perfect.

 

[granolaturtle]

Don't beat yourself up over that. One thing I'm inclined to think happens to many of us on the spectrum is that in real-time social situations we can't necessarily process social issues as well as we'd like to. Especially if such situations catch us by surprise, as this one likely did.

You did the most important thing. You got her food. But what may have confused it all was her pride, and perhaps a bit of passive-aggressiveness. She didn't want charity, despite how she went into detail about going hungry. She may ultimately not have accepted the larger pack even if you made a point to give it to her.

It put you into an awkward position...and I would have likely gone into a mental loop of sorts myself. In real-time it would have confused me as well. But in Aspie fashion after the fact is when you probably gave it much more thought and then proceded to beat yourself up over it. Hey....I do that too. We aren't perfect.

You don't know how much better I feel reading that. It's so reassuring to know that someone understands my thought process.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh the paradox of showing kindness and feeling horrible!

It is a case of both of you feeling embarrassed. She felt it because perhaps when she said it, she said it as a statement and felt really embarrassed when you took her literally ( as I would).

Recently someone did something pretty amazing for me and I feel to "forget" it, would be an insult and so, I was spreading what she did for me and much to my horror, she said that I was embarrassing her and said: I did what a christian should do, Suzanne, but because you keep mentioning it, I am feeling so embarrassed and I was MORTIFIED but managed to actually side stepped my usual shame and said: well, I can't stop, because you did do a wonderful thing and so, to compromise, I will not mention your name! I cannot figure out whether she was ok or just pretending to be.

The thing is that it is inevitable that embarrassments are going to occur and we are not the only ones to feel that.

 

[garnetflower13]

You did a splendid thing, and if it wasn't received well, at least you meant well. It is hard to know what other people are thinking, but you certainly don't need to beat yourself up about it. You did nothing wrong!