Abusive Relationship?

[cfleischmann]

Hello Everyone:

Here we go now...

So I've been in a relationship with my soon-to-be ex since January of this year and let's just say that a recent training at my volunteer job got me thinking about her actions towars me. Here's just a short sample of them:

• She talks down to me: I say that my support team and I are saving for a new body-worn camera (I'll post a thread about it all as soon as I find the time), she says that's a stupid Idea.
• I say I identify as hologram she tells me to get back into reality
• It turns out she was using our joint bank account inappropriately and telling me she did not recognize the transactions I called out in question thus lying to me about the origin of such transactions
  
• she has issue with my companionship doll yet she doesn't want to hold hand s or give the hugs most of the time
• she has issues with me watching a crap ton of Abbie Videos (Yes, I'll admit I'm obsessed with those damn videos because I find a connection with Abigail Lorraine (the nonverbal autistic daughter of the guy who makes them and the person who my companionship doll is named after))
• She has issues with me wanting to identify as canadian and wanting to one day visit canada and possibly even one day move to said canada.
• and many others

In the training they played a short video on domestic violence intended to get teens and young adults familiar with the concept then did a presentation. I had to step out during the presentation because I was trying not to cry my eyes out on web cam in front of everyone. It just really struck home with me and I was wondering if anyone else can provide some degree of help...

If you're curious why on earth a tech support/web hosting company would have a training on domestic violence is because of the fact that with the high number of calls we get, if we hear something that might be off we could be the difference between someone getting out of a bad spot or getting further hurt. The tagline of this internal initiative is "if you see something, say something"

They really worked to target this one on special needs and autism as well so we can work to better assist those customer populations.

 

[Aspychata]

If you have been down the primrose path only to find out you have been lied to, manipulated, and devalued, then you may wade thru the denial ocean. It's as if we need to deal with the hurt and rejection of our authentic self first before we move to the next step. But you need to protect yourself always in life. Can you see what steps you may need to take to bring you back to a prior time when you were happy?

It may be possible to find someone who is more supportive of you and your particular likes, (doll, Canada), but this doesn't seem like a fit to me.

 

[GadAbout]

It definitely sounds as if you and your soon-to-be ex are incompatible in many aspects. The only bullet point that seemed inarguably "abusive" though was the one about the joint bank account, and as you extricate yourself from this relationship, you should be very careful about that area of potential conflict.

I truly don't mean to put you down, but you seem to have many features that other people would have trouble accepting in a relationship. It doesn't hurt to recognize that. For instance the relationship doll would be a deal-breaker for me. You also have a vivid internal imaginative life that might feel like it excludes another human as a partner.

Best of luck in your emotional and social lives.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

my soon-to-be ex

Good luck.

You may want to make a few changes going forward as suggested above.

 

[Thinx]

It doesn't sound like the two of you are well suited. If your partner doesn't understand or validate ways you identify, this can be a deal breaker.

I wouldn't say its abusive, it sounds like she doesn't understand or empathise, and maybe doesn't get you. How patient do you feel when you try to explain to her what you mean?

But it is true that if we are quite highly individual in the way we identify, this can make finding a partner who is understanding and compatible harder.

I've done a lot of work on myself over the years, and one bonus of this can be, that it helps to manage difficulties in relationships, as I can hang in there and be patient and curious about what is being said, and explore issues that seem difficult better than I used to.

I like the sound of the training you have been doing, it's an enlightened approach to offer this to staff.

 

[Pats]

Apparently you and your 'soon to be ex' do not share the same ideas. What you feel is inappropriate may not seem any more inappropriate to her as how she views what you do. Perhaps her spending came from a moment of resentment. Her saying to come back to reality sounds more of a statement of concern. Saying "That's stupid" is the only thing I would see as belittling - but only because I hate the word stupid, and feel that word alone is belittling, but not everyone feels as strongly as I do about using that word. I just have to say I would not be understanding at all over the companionship doll - even the term should explain why someone might have a problem with that. Your spouse is supposed to be your companion in all aspects, but has been replaced with a doll.
But if you're on your way out anyway, just wave bye to it all and how it makes you feel.

 

[Jason Bennett]

First, I want to acknowledge how lonely and neglected you have felt over your lifetime. I am not diminishing the trauma you may have received, high anxiety, PTSd, depression, etc.. I would like to suggest that your ween yourself from the companionship doll. Would you please give more details on your doll? What unmet needs and desires does your doll fulfill? The answers to those questions will help you grow from needing an inanimate object for care, and be vulnerable enough to be in intimate and affection human relations. I don't know your current level for humans, but if you desire a human to live your life with, you will want to prioritize them in who gets your attention, affection, and intimacy. It will be very difficult to find someone okay with your time and affections going to an inanimate object. I presume that your doll is like a safety blanket from the scary world out there. Part of growing as a human, is to live in reality, and love people from a vulnerable position.

 

[cfleischmann]

To answer some questions:

The doll doesn’t serve to replace a human, but rather extend the human. What I mean by this is that when human is not available for hand holding and hugs out of respect for her own health concerns and desires for alone tome, immediately redirect those actions to the doll until further notice. The doll serves as a fallback destination for hand holding/hugs thus avoiding potentially dangerous situations that could wind me in the jail due to me being starved for such hand holding and hugs.

The details of this condition are if I’m starved for hugs or hand holding beyond a certain point I begin searching out the next closest destination and yhat could not end well in certain rare circumstances.

 

[Aspychata]

To answer some questions:

The doll doesn’t serve to replace a human, but rather extend the human. What I mean by this is that when human is not available for hand holding and hugs out of respect for her own health concerns and desires for alone tome, immediately redirect those actions to the doll until further notice. The doll serves as a fallback destination for hand holding/hugs thus avoiding potentially dangerous situations that could wind me in the jail due to me being starved for such hand holding and hugs.

The details of this condition are if I’m starved for hugs or hand holding beyond a certain point I begin searching out the next closest destination and yhat could not end well in certain rare circumstances.

Oh my gosh. l never judged you. You have a very valuable need for this *friend* and l am glad that this doll is there for you. l love to hold hands. l have no idea why, but it makes me soar to the highest heights. It's good to meet someone else besides me that loves hugs and handholding. Thank you for sharing this very private part of you. Just curious, did you suffer any neglect as a infant or young child?

 

[Kalinychta]

You are not in an abusive relationship, no. Abuse involves cruelty and violence (emotional and/or physical). Your relationship just sounds like it's on its last legs.

 

[Bolletje]

With the exception of the money issue, it doesn’t sound like an abusive relationship to me. Just like a bad match between two people.
To be honest, I wouldn’t feel comfortable if my boyfriend had a companionship doll, especially if he’d named it after someone he’s obsessed with.
And if my boyfriend mentioned identifying as a hologram I would probably question his sobriety.

Anyway, there’s probably someone out there willing to tolerate your doll, but I think you’ll have to look for a while because it’s not that common.

 

[cfleischmann]

Oh my gosh. l never judged you. You have a very valuable need for this *friend* and l am glad that this doll is there for you. l love to hold hands. l have no idea why, but it makes me soar to the highest heights. It's good to meet someone else besides me that loves hugs and handholding. Thank you for sharing this very private part of you. Just curious, did you suffer any neglect as a infant or young child?

to answer your question more along the idea of 10+ years of sexual abuse and other forms of abuse from at lease age 8 moving forward. Add to that not many hugs or hands to hold growing up who didn't want to harm me in some ay

 

[Darwin]

I would try to fix the issues the relationship was going through, and, if nothing worked, I would end the relationship but only if I would feel better being single for some time.

She talks down to me: I say that my support team and I are saving for a new body-worn camera (I'll post a thread about it all as soon as I find the time), she says that's a stupid Idea.

You need to ask her why she thinks it is stupid. Does she want to buy something else for herself? I think you said in another post that the camera is for your safety when you are alone. I think this should have the priority. Does she understand what the camera is for?

I say I identify as hologram she tells me to get back into reality

I would agree with her on that. It seems to me that you have had very bad experiences with people. Identifying as a hologram (half-existing) probably makes you feel safer, but is it the best solution, though? You should get a specialist's help.

Until you have found a solution to that, I think she should support you, especially, since identifying as a hologram was probably a result of abuse in the past. (I am very sorry to hear that.)

It turns out she was using our joint bank account inappropriately and telling me she did not recognize the transactions I called out in question thus lying to me about the origin of such transactions

Are you sure she was lying?
If she actually did that, it was not acceptable. For me, relationships are supposed to involve respect. But you need to make sure it was her.

she has issue with my companionship doll yet she doesn't want to hold hand s or give the hugs most of the time

I think that holding hands and hugging are important in every relationship. You should ask her why she doesn’t want to do that. Is she autistic? Is she ok with touching?

 

[GadAbout]

Many of us do have a need for reassurance and connection, and satisfy that need with a pet. Of course, an animal does have certain needs which might make it impractical to own, such as regular feeding, exercise, clean-up, and veterinary care. I grew up with a house full of dogs and cats, and would find it very hard to live without a pet. (currently, two cats.) My daughter similarly felt it was very critical to stabilize her life enough to support a cat, and misses the cat greatly when away from it.

The companionship doll is a new concept for me and, evidently, for several of the people commenting on the thread.

 

[Aspychata]

to answer your question more along the idea of 10+ years of sexual abuse and other forms of abuse from at lease age 8 moving forward. Add to that not many hugs or hands to hold growing up who didn't want to harm me in some ay

Completely understand now. Thats a lot to go through, and l am glad that you have shared that because it's a very important piece of your lifestory and how you handle forth- coming relationships.

You and l have a hard time judging and accepting and understanding because our views of people are messed up to begin with. l feel l can't really depend on anybody for anything, yet people have decided to lump me in the co-dependency box. You don't feel any connection to people at all l guess. And that is okay. You must have some feelings for this person. Are you torn inside about leaving them? How do you feel about them, can you acknowledge your feelings about them? Do understand that if you end this, it's no reflection on you, there is no good or bad, no right or wrong, maybe it's just a time to do something else? Are you afraid to end this? You are still human and real and you do exist and you and l know this, okay?

 

[Jason Bennett]

So very sorry to hear about sexual abuse from the age of 8. I, too, was sexually abused as a young child and to this very day, I have a hard time trusting anyone. My hope for you is to find a person that accepts you as you are, supports in good and bad times, and encourages you to seek healing from past trauma.

 

[cfleischmann]

I would try to fix the issues the relationship was going through, and, if nothing worked, I would end the relationship but only if I would feel better being single for some time.



You need to ask her why she thinks it is stupid. Does she want to buy something else for herself? I think you said in another post that the camera is for your safety when you are alone. I think this should have the priority. Does she understand what the camera is for?


I would agree with her on that. It seems to me that you have had very bad experiences with people. Identifying as a hologram (half-existing) probably makes you feel safer, but is it the best solution, though? You should get a specialist's help.

Until you have found a solution to that, I think she should support you, especially, since identifying as a hologram was probably a result of abuse in the past. (I am very sorry to hear that.)


Are you sure she was lying?
If she actually did that, it was not acceptable. For me, relationships are supposed to involve respect. But you need to make sure it was her.


I think that holding hands and hugging are important in every relationship. You should ask her why she doesn’t want to do that. Is she autistic? Is she ok with touching?

So I'm going to try and address things:
1. I know she's lying about the ATM transactions because the Bank has security cameras on the ATM and as a result she was caught being "fully engaged" with the transaction not just waiting in line or something.
2. to answer the thoughts about the hand holding/hugs she gives it but most times withholds it from me. I understand that she's got her own back issues, etc. that limits the hand holding and hugs; but only one hug or two in a month... that's not back issues, that's I don't know.
3. She's well aware of the reasons why the body-worn camera is necessary as it's a safety system due to my own medical issues, but her own personal views on it are causing this "it's a stupid idea" comment because she thinks I cannot run my body cam in environments like McDonalds, a store, etc. with running to every person and getting a signed consent. I've raised this up to the police who also wear body-cams and they said "in a public space like a store, the park, a restaurant, etc. you're good and no consent is needed specially because they're already being recorded in most of those cases by the vendor's own cameras and it's not going onto like YouTube or facebook so it's not publicly accessible. private residences are a whole different issue entirely." I've tried explaining this away and she is not taking it.

Completely understand now. Thats a lot to go through, and l am glad that you have shared that because it's a very important piece of your lifestory and how you handle forth- coming relationships.

You and l have a hard time judging and accepting and understanding because our views of people are messed up to begin with. l feel l can't really depend on anybody for anything, yet people have decided to lump me in the co-dependency box. You don't feel any connection to people at all l guess. And that is okay. You must have some feelings for this person. Are you torn inside about leaving them? How do you feel about them, can you acknowledge your feelings about them? Do understand that if you end this, it's no reflection on you, there is no good or bad, no right or wrong, maybe it's just a time to do something else? Are you afraid to end this? You are still human and real and you do exist and you and l know this, okay?

I acknowledge the way she makes me feel, I acknowledge what I think I should do... but I don't want to be guilt tripped into rescinding that action item as she'll often hold threats of suicide or adverse health events over my head and that I'll have the bool on my hands if it goes through that process. I don't want to be the cause of her killing herself or the cause of her having an adverse health event

 

[Darwin]

So I'm going to try and address things:
1. I know she's lying about the ATM transactions because the Bank has security cameras on the ATM and as a result she was caught being "fully engaged" with the transaction not just waiting in line or something.
2. to answer the thoughts about the hand holding/hugs she gives it but most times withholds it from me. I understand that she's got her own back issues, etc. that limits the hand holding and hugs; but only one hug or two in a month... that's not back issues, that's I don't know.
3. She's well aware of the reasons why the body-worn camera is necessary as it's a safety system due to my own medical issues, but her own personal views on it are causing this "it's a stupid idea" comment because she thinks I cannot run my body cam in environments like McDonalds, a store, etc. with running to every person and getting a signed consent. I've raised this up to the police who also wear body-cams and they said "in a public space like a store, the park, a restaurant, etc. you're good and no consent is needed specially because they're already being recorded in most of those cases by the vendor's own cameras and it's not going onto like YouTube or facebook so it's not publicly accessible. private residences are a whole different issue entirely." I've tried explaining this away and she is not taking it.



I acknowledge the way she makes me feel, I acknowledge what I think I should do... but I don't want to be guilt tripped into rescinding that action item as she'll often hold threats of suicide or adverse health events over my head and that I'll have the bool on my hands if it goes through that process. I don't want to be the cause of her killing herself or the cause of her having an adverse health event

It doesn’t seem like a good relationship to me. 1 or 2 hugs a month? This must be very hard for you as someone who likes hugs!

So, the reason why you don’t wanna leave her is because she threatens with suicide?
Talk to her about what you don’t like in your relationship. If she doesn’t listen, and nothing changes, break up with her, and tell the police about the suicide threat so they prevent it or, if it occurred anyway, you wouldn’t be responsible.

 

[Kalinychta]

So I'm going to try and address things:
1. I know she's lying about the ATM transactions because the Bank has security cameras on the ATM and as a result she was caught being "fully engaged" with the transaction not just waiting in line or something.
2. to answer the thoughts about the hand holding/hugs she gives it but most times withholds it from me. I understand that she's got her own back issues, etc. that limits the hand holding and hugs; but only one hug or two in a month... that's not back issues, that's I don't know.
3. She's well aware of the reasons why the body-worn camera is necessary as it's a safety system due to my own medical issues, but her own personal views on it are causing this "it's a stupid idea" comment because she thinks I cannot run my body cam in environments like McDonalds, a store, etc. with running to every person and getting a signed consent. I've raised this up to the police who also wear body-cams and they said "in a public space like a store, the park, a restaurant, etc. you're good and no consent is needed specially because they're already being recorded in most of those cases by the vendor's own cameras and it's not going onto like YouTube or facebook so it's not publicly accessible. private residences are a whole different issue entirely." I've tried explaining this away and she is not taking it.



I acknowledge the way she makes me feel, I acknowledge what I think I should do... but I don't want to be guilt tripped into rescinding that action item as she'll often hold threats of suicide or adverse health events over my head and that I'll have the bool on my hands if it goes through that process. I don't want to be the cause of her killing herself or the cause of her having an adverse health event

Banks don’t release ATM footage to the public. Only the police and courts can get it. Did you file charges against her or something?

I agree with Darwin. Tell the police and her family about the suicide threats. She’s not your responsibility.

You’re in an unhappy, oppressive relationship. You can either stay in it or break it off. It’s as simple as that.

 

[cfleischmann]

I haven’t seen the ATM footage as they won’t release it to me. However, because of this whole mess my old account was frozen to prevent further loss so one of my advocates called them to get it unfrozen and there wrre a lot of questions asked of me and my advocate such as:

1) does the girlfriend have siblings? If so what do they look like?
2) what does the girlfriend look like?
3) do you have any reason to believe someone other than Carly or the girlfriend could have gotten access to the account?
... and others I don’t remember.

All the questions were answered, my aevocatw even gave a timeline of me asking her about the transactions via text, mage a timeline of all the history with her identify being stolen, etc. and based on everything myself and advocate provided along with them seeing the ATM footage in the bank rep’s own words “based on everything you’ve shared with me and the video, we believe that beyond a reasonable doubt that Carly’s girlfriend was responsible for those charges...”

As for the suicide threats, there hasn’t been anything recently but it’s been known to happen as both her mom and her family know