A quickie intro

[Paianis]

Hi all,

I'm a 26-year-old from the UK and I had an aspergers diagnosis at age 5, so I've had a relatively long history of ameliorating problematic personality traits and nurturing coping mechanisms for external factors.

I don't seem to have 'special interests' in any particular topic anymore. But I have a lot of knowledge in topics that used to be interests, and I strive to use it to aid problem solving with very high attention to detail. Since a young age, these have included 'domino art', Windows CE HPCs, traffic (as in highway) engineering, SOX streetlights, Unix-like computer software, media formats in audio engineering. For some reason I liked synchronising music to sped-up road videos, I think the idea was the music theme or topic would somehow fit the journey or the politics of the featured road, this is a prime example. These days a large fraction of drivers use dashcams so it's not a novelty anymore. I have perfect/absolute pitch and a 'serviceable' singing voice, so when I have an idea that I think is special, I make an electronic music arrangement for it.

I have a long history of distrusting people and judging people on their perceived 'professionalism'. I also seem to be unable to have emotional or intimate connections with people. Cats yes, people, no. I feel uncomfortable when other people engage in it because I know this isn't a space that can mean anything to me. In an online community for instance, I can give words of comfort, and others might like me for it, but I don't feel any satisfaction from the exchange, or when anyone tries to comfort me. I am constantly aware that everything I do in front of people is a performance. If someone tells me a family relative of theirs died, I don't feel any repent for them. I get personally upset very rarely, one was when a family dog was put down in my presence, another was when I realised I'm non-binary.

Has anyone tried to get therapy for this kind of thing? Just to clarify, I'm not interested in curing my autism, my feeling is that I've locked away a kind of 'inner-child' that could do with being unleashed. I'm also aware that therapies made for neurotypicals might not have the desired effect on me.

Thanks for reading

 

[Tom]

Welcome!

 

[tree]

 

[Nitro]

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome! I hope you find what you are looking for here. Maybe you can finally unleash whatever has been locked inside. I have been to therapy and it has been helpful to me.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome. Sometimes I find that nature time can help me get back to basics.

 

[Tristan_USA]

Welcome! I enjoy driving videos set to music as well but not usually sped up. That video was nice though. I've gone to therapy for years and it really has helped me. You could try finding someone who specializes in or helps other neurodivergent individuals.

 

[Paianis]

Thanks for all your comments.

Two weeks of extra time to think and...I don't think I need therapy, but perhaps the OP didn't represent me as thoroughly or accurately as I thought it did.

You probably know that the UK is a relatively classist society and, having been raised in a family that takes formal education, professionalism and 'playing the game' quite seriously, I've sporadically reflected that attitude everywhere I've gone. That is, looking down on people who don't value such things. Going into secondary school, where exam results start to matter for white-collar and professional jobs, I held an assumption that kids who didn't care were from dysfunctional families that weren't stable enough to support and bring them up properly, or had something like ADHD (this may have been true for some, but I can't assume and they're not reasons to write them off). Not surprisingly I didn't make any friends at school, but I haven't started to understand why there was such a clash of cultures there until recently.

Of course, I have tried to pursue a professional career, but having completed an apprenticeship and then a degree, I've been in a state of limbo and crisis for over a year trying to follow them up. The two adventures were in different subjects and I'm perceived as uncommitted to either, over-qualified or under-qualified depending on the posts I get an interview for. I have also become internally conscious that everything I've drained my mental capacity on is ultimately meant to serve capital and the state in some way, so I guess one could say my heart isn't in it in the way it might have been in the past. On the other hand, I can't afford to disown my life journey, if I'm not careful I could be made homeless at moment's notice.

There's no real-life community I can truely call a home, I have no conviction I can be proud of and that's why it's hard for me to be hopeful.