A question about not being able to speak

[Lyrielle]

My personal experience does not sound like 'selective mutism' as it's not related to anxiety or a freeze reaction, but I sometimes have moments where I really want to communicate or to answer someone, but in that moment the action of moving my mouth and pushing air through my vocal cords is utterly loathsome, like I feel like I would hate myself if I were to make a sound. I'll feel perfectly willing to communicate if only it could be done via telepathy. It happened a lot more in childhood than now, and most often in the morning (I've never been much of a morning person, but it isn't that I'm just not alert or feel too tired). It feels rather like how in fairy tales someone will be cursed to not be able to speak about their curse, like I've got some kind of spell preventing speech, or like there's a horrible doom on me if I utter a sound in that moment. But it's not a feeling of actual fear, it can happen with someone I'm perfectly comfortable with and know that whatever it is I want to say would be well recieved.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing?

 

[Rodafina]

I have a phrase for when this happens to me and I tell people, "word brain dead." By now, people that I am close to (who can sometimes be very easy to talk to) know that for whatever reason when I say "word brain dead" that it will be difficult for me to communicate with words for awhile. If I still really want to communicate, I will use pictures and they will do their best to interpret what I am saying.

For me, it's typically a situation where I am over tired, experiencing sensory over stimulation, or I have already talked too much in a day.

 

[vergil96]

Yes, it sometimes is realter to fear but more often it's not. I find it hard to talk when tired or overwhelmed.

 

[marc_101]

@Lyrielle

Sounds familiar. I'd put it into the shutdown category. Selective mutism is similar. I find it hard to distinguish between the two. When it happens to me, I don't feel anxious. I just can't talk. It's hard to explain. I think, though, that I'm probably very anxious but I can't recognize the anxiety because it does come with elevated heart rate or blood pressure.

From the descriptions of meltdowns on this forum and in books, it seems that meltdowns and shutdowns have the same origin and sensation but differ in how they are expressed. During a shutdown, one gets paralyzed. During a metldown, the emotions come out in an explosion.

 

[Tom]

I haven't heard that particular situation before.

Was wondering if there was something in common about the subject when it happens? Like does it tend to be conversations about people, or personal feelings or money, etc. Or can it be about anything?

It's interesting it started in childhood.

 

[Lyrielle]

I haven't heard that particular situation before.

Was wondering if there was something in common about the subject when it happens? Like does it tend to be conversations about people, or personal feelings or money, etc. Or can it be about anything?

It's interesting it started in childhood.

Often it would be something simple like my mom said good morning to me, and I wanted to say good morning back but couldn't, or we'd be in the car on the way somewhere and she'd be talking about the day and ask me some question that I didn't mind answering but I felt like I just could not make a sound even though I wanted to engage and not be rude. These days it could be something like my daughter asks if she can play a video game, and I'm cheerfully thinking 'yes, sure honey' but I just cannot say it, sometimes it even feels like I'm forbidden to nod or make any other communication by some invisible force so I sit there just trying to will my thought into the other person's head.

Yeah... the example memories I can think of are all in the morning, hmm... It's possible it has to do with being overwhelmed by sensory things in the morning, though it doesn't feel the same as other times when I feel sensory overload. I do know I have a much lower tolerance for things in the first couple of hours after waking up although the no talking thing isn't accompanied by a chaotic feeling.