AspieGamer91
Member
I play online games (hence my username). And I've found a handful of equally weird people from around Europe who I play with on an almost daily basis. (Mostly undiagnosed/NTs)
Whenever anyone of us is in distress for whatever reason, one guy usually steps up. He's our voice of reason, and he's earned the nickname The Therapist. He is a very calm and collected guy, who we all trust enough to share our thoughts with. Even when there's drama in our little group of misfits, usually because of misunderstood jokes, both parties independently of each other, turns to him for advice on how to proceed. And he's just there being neutral. The "more adult" adult. The voice of reason.
However, recently I've begun to think of him way more than I used to. And not in a romantic way. More of a: "I need to know everything about you. Everything!"
So I took to Google, to see if people could become a special interest, and lo and behold, they can.
My concern isn't that he has become my obsession. But the fact that I told him as much earlier. And now I'm afraid of pushing him away.
I'm considering writing him a DM, but I got nobody else to turn to for advice on my message. Like is this appropriate? Will it be misunderstood? Will he understand what I'm trying to tell him? And so on..
So I'm going to paste the message here, and just redact the personal stuff. Please let me know what you think, and if this seems alright.
Sorry to DM you this late, I really hope that I don't wake you up.
I just can't stop overthinking what I told you earlier, and I decided to do some research. Not on you, but on Autism Spectrum and having people as a special interest, as I never actually talked with my therapist about that, when I was still seeing her.
And after reading blogposts and forum posts about this, I've come to realise something... It's creepy as HELL for the person in question.
Especially this quote really got me to think:
You are a person (duh) and not an object. Which means that you are entitled to privacy, not answering questions, and a sense of security in your private life - just like me and anyone else.
I am sorry if my questions and attention has caused you any discomfort. And while I usually don't like making promises, since they can sometime be hard not to break by accident, I will promise you the following:
I promise that I will do my best at NOT scouring the internet for any information or details about you or your life. And if I, at any point, fails at this, I will inform you immediately about what I've done, what I've read/seen, and where I found that piece of information.
If you're wondering about exactly what I know about you so far, it's only really what you've told us.
Your name is [NAME] (some generic and common [ORIGIN] last name). You live in [COUNTRY], about 15 minutes from [PLACE OF HOBBY], which is located in the Southern part of [COUNTRY], and about 15 minutes from [WORKPLACE] where you work with [STUFF]. You drive a car, and you own a house. You're [NUMBER] years old. You're blonde and you have a beard. You're a calm and down-to-earth guy, despite having seen/experienced something (you never said what it was). You are licensed to operate some [BIG THINGS], which is also one of your interests. You also live close to your parents, whom you have a good relationship with. You're not a big fan of cooking, but will do so to stay fed. And you played [THING] as a kid.
This is all the info I could think of at this point. And if this is all you want me to know, I will respect that.
I don't want to push you away, because I value our friendship. So please let me know if I've crossed the line. I am sorry for being weird and not understanding social rules. Please let me try to do better!
My question to you guys is the following:
1. Is this even appropriate?
2. Would an NT misunderstand this?
3. Is it clear what I'm trying to tell him clear?
- That I value him as a friend.
- That I respect his private life.
- That I will NOT try to find out more about him, and if I forget and accidentally do - I will notify him.
4. Do you think this will improve his view of me, keep it neutral, or make it worse? (As long as it doesn't make it any worse, I am happy)
5. Is there anything I should add, rephrase or remove to meet the above criteria?
This is a long post, so thank you so much in advance!
Whenever anyone of us is in distress for whatever reason, one guy usually steps up. He's our voice of reason, and he's earned the nickname The Therapist. He is a very calm and collected guy, who we all trust enough to share our thoughts with. Even when there's drama in our little group of misfits, usually because of misunderstood jokes, both parties independently of each other, turns to him for advice on how to proceed. And he's just there being neutral. The "more adult" adult. The voice of reason.
However, recently I've begun to think of him way more than I used to. And not in a romantic way. More of a: "I need to know everything about you. Everything!"
So I took to Google, to see if people could become a special interest, and lo and behold, they can.
My concern isn't that he has become my obsession. But the fact that I told him as much earlier. And now I'm afraid of pushing him away.
I'm considering writing him a DM, but I got nobody else to turn to for advice on my message. Like is this appropriate? Will it be misunderstood? Will he understand what I'm trying to tell him? And so on..
So I'm going to paste the message here, and just redact the personal stuff. Please let me know what you think, and if this seems alright.
Sorry to DM you this late, I really hope that I don't wake you up.
I just can't stop overthinking what I told you earlier, and I decided to do some research. Not on you, but on Autism Spectrum and having people as a special interest, as I never actually talked with my therapist about that, when I was still seeing her.
And after reading blogposts and forum posts about this, I've come to realise something... It's creepy as HELL for the person in question.
Especially this quote really got me to think:
A special interest is an intensity of focus. It can be a subject, a person, an object or collection of objects, a book, a game, a shape, just about anything.
What happens is, there is an initial curiosity, followed by the desire to learn more. Which grows into the desire to learn everything and fully understand it.
When a topic becomes a special interest, you'll study it, read everything on the internet, enjoy talking about it. I have this with cellular biology.
When an object becomes a special interest, you'll collect it, notice them, seek them out. I have this with pens and old, gilded books.
When a person becomes a special interest, you'll think about them a lot, enjoy interacting with them, want to know everything about them... want to be them...
As mentioned in the above posts, the person category of special interests needs to be handled with care. Being interested in something is refreshing to us, special. We often don't see anything unusual about curiosity. But bizarrely, neurotypicals don't have this level of curiosity or focus of intensity. To have someone give their FULL attention, specifically an aspie, is unnerving and uncomfortable.
Can a person be a special interest?
You are a person (duh) and not an object. Which means that you are entitled to privacy, not answering questions, and a sense of security in your private life - just like me and anyone else.
I am sorry if my questions and attention has caused you any discomfort. And while I usually don't like making promises, since they can sometime be hard not to break by accident, I will promise you the following:
I promise that I will do my best at NOT scouring the internet for any information or details about you or your life. And if I, at any point, fails at this, I will inform you immediately about what I've done, what I've read/seen, and where I found that piece of information.
If you're wondering about exactly what I know about you so far, it's only really what you've told us.
Your name is [NAME] (some generic and common [ORIGIN] last name). You live in [COUNTRY], about 15 minutes from [PLACE OF HOBBY], which is located in the Southern part of [COUNTRY], and about 15 minutes from [WORKPLACE] where you work with [STUFF]. You drive a car, and you own a house. You're [NUMBER] years old. You're blonde and you have a beard. You're a calm and down-to-earth guy, despite having seen/experienced something (you never said what it was). You are licensed to operate some [BIG THINGS], which is also one of your interests. You also live close to your parents, whom you have a good relationship with. You're not a big fan of cooking, but will do so to stay fed. And you played [THING] as a kid.
This is all the info I could think of at this point. And if this is all you want me to know, I will respect that.
I don't want to push you away, because I value our friendship. So please let me know if I've crossed the line. I am sorry for being weird and not understanding social rules. Please let me try to do better!
My question to you guys is the following:
1. Is this even appropriate?
2. Would an NT misunderstand this?
3. Is it clear what I'm trying to tell him clear?
- That I value him as a friend.
- That I respect his private life.
- That I will NOT try to find out more about him, and if I forget and accidentally do - I will notify him.
4. Do you think this will improve his view of me, keep it neutral, or make it worse? (As long as it doesn't make it any worse, I am happy)
5. Is there anything I should add, rephrase or remove to meet the above criteria?
This is a long post, so thank you so much in advance!