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A dating guide for neurotypicals who love someone with Aspergers

I don't usually do long reads (outside of my special interests ;) ) but was interested to see what you had come up with, having been in an ASD/NT relationship about 35 yrs. Overall I think it was pretty well done, which is saying a lot since it is a complicated subject. I did differ in opinion on a few points, but not many. As you mentioned in the article you followed commonly occurring traits. I suspect that many if not most on the spectrum vary quite a bit from it, having some, but not others. You will for example, I believe, find quite a few 'Aspies' that lie quite frequently and are quite good at it. Autism is I think one set of broad tendencies a person may or may not have but many other aspects of personality and conditions play a big part as well in the final result.
 
Very informative. Must have taken a lot of time, research, planning & endless editing! But I do confess to just skim reading atm. Maybe later...:(
 
sisselcakes said:
Hi Everyone,

Wanted to share my latest blog post. I'm so excited about it.

Much of it is born from my personal experience. I have learned a ton from the amazing members on this forum! And I've also read my little heart out!

Hope you like it :)


Aspergers Relationships: A Guide for the Neurotypical | The Mental Health Blog
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I read through this blog and shared it with my wife, because you "nailed" me in describing Aspies. I mean everything you wrote applies to me, even to my inability to tell a lie even when it is to my advantage to lie. I thought it was very well done.

By the way, I did notice one typo. In writing dialogue between the Aspie asking his wife why she took a longer route driving he asked, "But why?". The typo is it says, "Buy why?" or something close to that. Not a big deal, but I wanted to mention it in case you wanted to correct the typo.
 
Rasputin said:
I read through this blog and shared it with my wife, because you "nailed" me in describing Aspies. I mean everything you wrote applies to me, even to my inability to tell a lie even when it is to my advantage to lie. I thought it was very well done.

By the way, I did notice one typo. In writing dialogue between the Aspie asking his wife why she took a longer route driving he asked, "But why?". The typo is it says, "Buy why?" or something close to that. Not a big deal, but I wanted to mention it in case you wanted to correct the typo.
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Thank you so much for your encouraging words, I really hope that this can help some neurotypicals who are in a mixed relationship. Also, thanks for calling out the typo. I will fix that.

I have to tell you that my ASD bf tried to lie to me once and he was just abysmal at it. I figured it out before he had even finished the sentence!

I would like to do the same type of articles for Aspies, but not sure how well I will be able to write about NTs since I am one!
 
Tom said:
I don't usually do long reads (outside of my special interests ;) ) but was interested to see what you had come up with, having been in an ASD/NT relationship about 35 yrs. Overall I think it was pretty well done, which is saying a lot since it is a complicated subject. I did differ in opinion on a few points, but not many. As you mentioned in the article you followed commonly occurring traits. I suspect that many if not most on the spectrum vary quite a bit from it, having some, but not others. You will for example, I believe, find quite a few 'Aspies' that lie quite frequently and are quite good at it. Autism is I think one set of broad tendencies a person may or may not have but many other aspects of personality and conditions play a big part as well in the final result.
Click to expand...

Thank you for doing the long read! I appreciate your feedback a lot. It is really tough to describe common traits of people on the spectrum without generalizing and stereotyping. I've read a lot but my primary inspiration was my own experience, so it's definitely biased by my own history.

I found your observation about people on spectrum lying really interesting and it's made me reconsider how to present it. I think there are different types of lying and I wasn't speaking of lying for an intentional ulterior motive. It's probably different from lying in a positive relationship. I hadn't considered there might be different types of lying when i was writing about that.

That's an interesting thing for me to realize and will take it into account in my future writing. I hope to write a guide to NTs for Aspies in "mixed" relationships.
 
sisselcakes said:
Thank you so much for your encouraging words, I really hope that this can help some neurotypicals who are in a mixed relationship. Also, thanks for calling out the typo. I will fix that.

I have to tell you that my ASD bf tried to lie to me once and he was just abysmal at it. I figured it out before he had even finished the sentence!

I would like to do the same type of articles for Aspies, but not sure how well I will be able to write about NTs since I am one!
Click to expand...

I think you are very insightful, and your boyfriend is one lucky guy. I also read your blog about your experiences dating Alan. I am 61 and have been married the past 28 years to a NT woman (my second marriage). Your description of Alan reminds me of myself, and I was only diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder on January 30, 2020. I had no clue that I was like this until about a year ago.

Regarding your idea about writing a blog from an Aspie point of view, that intrigues me. I have had some academic research articles published, but I don't know if I would be able to write a blog as skillfully as you. If you ever do want to write such a blog, I might be willing to collaborate by sharing some of my Aspie experiences. It's just an idea.
 
Thank you for your kind words. Diagnosed at 61 years old. Wow. How was that? I bet it explained a lot.

I actually have an area on my blog for personal experiences, if you wanted to write something that would be great; or maybe there could be a way I could link to your academic articles.

Since you seem interested in the idea of a "guide" to understanding NTs in relationships, I'd appreciate your input. Are there things about your NT wife that still perplexes you? OR are there things you wished you had understood about NTs when you were younger, in terms of dating/relationships?
 
sisselcakes said:
Thank you for your kind words. Diagnosed at 61 years old. Wow. How was that? I bet it explained a lot.

I actually have an area on my blog for personal experiences, if you wanted to write something that would be great; or maybe there could be a way I could link to your academic articles.

Since you seem interested in the idea of a "guide" to understanding NTs in relationships, I'd appreciate your input. Are there things about your NT wife that still perplexes you? OR are there things you wished you had understood about NTs when you were younger, in terms of dating/relationships?
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I think I might write something about my experiences on your blog. I might even let you link to my articles; I am not as concerned about revealing my identity now as I was before I was diagnosed for some reason. When I was diagnosed, it was only after I had seen several specialists for chronic insomnia. Eventually, I was referred to a psychiatrist and I have been learning ever since.

The things that my wife complains about are the same things you write about. She starts venting about a problem or situation, and I instinctively start trying to solve her problem, rather than just listening.

She also has a large family that are always hugging, kissing, and getting together for endless family gatherings. I try to participate, but eventually I reach sensory overload and have to get away. So I have excused myself from.things like wedding receptions after 10 PM, and went back to my hotel room. Meanwhile my wife and her siblings would stay out past 1 AM, which does not bother me. More recently we had a family outing for Christmas where everyone got rooms out of town and celebrated. The same thing happened when everyone decided to go bar hopping at 11 PM, and I had to retreat to my hotel room. When my sister-in-law tried to stop me, I reacted angrily because I could not hear due to loud talking and music.

I am sometimes blunt and brutally honest in interacting with people, and my wife gets angry with me. She gets angry for lesser things perceived as lack of good manners, when I didn't even think I had done anything. So the things you wrote about, I sometimes do at age 61 after being married 28 years. And it frustrates my wife because I have two Masters degrees and a PhD;she doesn't understand why I have difficulty with simple things that come natural to most people.

But overall, I know she loves me. I certainly hope she knows I love her. Above all else, I value loyalty and trust - and we have mutual trust. Not many women would have tolerated me all these years, so I am very thankful to have her as my wife.
 
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Thanks
Rasputin said:
I think I might write something about my experiences on your blog. I might even let you link to my articles; I am not as concerned about revealing my identity now as I was before I was diagnosed for some reason. When I was diagnosed, it was only after I had seen several specialists for chronic insomnia. Eventually, I was referred to a psychiatrist and I have been learning ever since.

The things that my wife complains about are the same things you write about. She starts venting about a problem or situation, and I instinctively start trying to solve her problem, rather than just listening.

She also has a large family that are always hugging, kissing, and getting together for endless family gatherings. I try to participate, but eventually I reach sensory overload and have to get away. So I have excused myself from.things like wedding receptions after 10 PM, and went back to my hotel room. Meanwhile my wife and her siblings would stay out past 1 AM, which does not bother me. More recently we had a family outing for Christmas where everyone got rooms out of town and celebrated. The same thing happened when everyone decided to go bar hopping at 11 PM, and I had to retreat to my hotel room. When my sister-in-law tried to stop me, I reacted angrily because I could not hear due to loud talking and music.

I am sometimes blunt and brutally honest in interacting with people, and my wife gets angry with me. She gets angry for lesser things perceived as lack of good manners, when I didn't even think I had done anything. So the things you wrote about, I sometimes do at age 61 after being married 28 years. And it frustrates my wife because I have two Masters degrees and a PhD;she doesn't understand why I have difficulty with simple things that come natural to most people.
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Thanks for sharing all that.

I’ve had to be careful on my blog because I’m a clinical social worker who writes about mental health stuff who also happens to be dating an aspie. Well, he’s undiagnosed but we pretty much have figured it out. That’s not a problem, it’s just that I’d like to share my experience but not in such a personal way.

The thing is that I post on FB where my bf and I have mutual friends and he hadn’t shared this with anyone. That’s why “Paul” story was by a “contributor” to the blog. I don’t want to call him out when no one knows.

My bf is rather social but does his fair share of inadvertently offending people.I can’t say my family is super fond of him but they accept him because we are together. I hear you about the overstimulation. I think that’s why my bf goes on his phone in the middle of family events- so he can escape. I’ve seen him at the end of social gatherings. Por guy looks absolutely exhausted.

hopefully your wife can become a bit more understanding now that there’s a known reason that you do things differently.
 
sisselcakes said:
Thanks


Thanks for sharing all that.

I’ve had to be careful on my blog because I’m a clinical social worker who writes about mental health stuff who also happens to be dating an aspie. Well, he’s undiagnosed but we pretty much have figured it out. That’s not a problem, it’s just that I’d like to share my experience but not in such a personal way.

The thing is that I post on FB where my bf and I have mutual friends and he hadn’t shared this with anyone. That’s why “Paul” story was by a “contributor” to the blog. I don’t want to call him out when no one knows.

My bf is rather social but does his fair share of inadvertently offending people.I can’t say my family is super fond of him but they accept him because we are together. I hear you about the overstimulation. I think that’s why my bf goes on his phone in the middle of family events- so he can escape. I’ve seen him at the end of social gatherings. Por guy looks absolutely exhausted.

hopefully your wife can become a bit more understanding now that there’s a known reason that you do things differently.
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I totally understand. I haven't shared this with many people either. The thing I wanted to convey to you is it can work. I think it is good that I was not diagnosed at a young age, because I wasn't made aware of my limitations.
 
Rasputin said:
I totally understand. I haven't shared this with many people either. The thing I wanted to convey to you is it can work. I think it is good that I was not diagnosed at a young age, because I wasn't made aware of my limitations.
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I wasn't made aware of my limitations. That's an incredible outlook. Make a lot of sense!
 
Being on the spectrum- this was a excellent article. When things are spelled out , actual examples, then it comes together. The funny thing for me is l stumble over my words talking to a spectrum friend compared to talking to NT. Emotion does side swipe us but think we are better at this now.
 
Thankyou for this article. My partner has aspergers, while we've been together 18 months we are having challenges where I'm feeling like I'm doing or saying something wrong everyday. Or how drained I'm getting in having to focus and make sure he is looked after in regards to eating etc. Or if im smothering him. Communication has been a struggle where I've had to learn to speak up but he tends not to. I'm not sure where it's leading but I feel like our ship is sinking and we can't get through this
 
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