1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

A brief History of Time

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by SteveJames0121, Nov 30, 2019.

  1. SteveJames0121

    SteveJames0121 New Member

    Messages:
    10
    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2019
    Karma:
    +15
    Hi all,

    I am mid 40's, and have had numerous diagnosis, I currently have a fantastic Pschciatrist.

    Previous diagnosis are depression, Borderline (EUPD), and Complex Trauma, along with Anxiety disorder.

    I think my psyc is clever enough that she has peeled back "me", to lead to this probable diagnosis, even if i have avoided and masked it from everyone since i was a kid, there is trauma hence the Borderline/complex PTSD diagnosis. I have done a lot of work on DBT, and it has really helped, I wouldnt be here if it hadnt.

    Im unsure how to finally drop the mask, ive worn it so long, its become "me".
    But I really want to try, not to get better, maybe to help the last few people that have stuck with me, feel they did the right thing and that I appreciate them for doing so.

    I hope any of this makes sence.
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  2. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    32,728
    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2013
    Karma:
    +23,053
  3. Nitro

    Nitro Admin/Immoral Turpitude Staff Member Admin V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    9,779
    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2014
    Karma:
    +17,220
    Hi SteveJames0121

    welcome to af.png
     
  4. clg114

    clg114 Still crazy, after all these years. Staff Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,840
    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2011
    Karma:
    +7,086
    Welcome to Autism Forums!
     
  5. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,679
    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2017
    Karma:
    +9,786
    Welcome! Your struggle with dropping the mask sounds really familiar to me. When I was in my mid-twenties I had no idea who I was, because my mask and I were one and the same. It caused a major depression and identity crisis. Therapy was of little use to me at the time because they couldn't tell me who I was either and I didn't know how to find out.
    It may sound a little controversial, but what really worked for me was going out to bars a lot and socializing there. Because alcohol makes me drop my mask and be unapologetically me. It helped me work out who I was a lot better to the extent that I can be me without alcohol these days as well. I still mask at work and at large family gatherings, but I mask less and less because I feel better about myself when I don't have to worry about keeping up appearances. And a lot of people like me better without the mask.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  6. SteveJames0121

    SteveJames0121 New Member

    Messages:
    10
    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2019
    Karma:
    +15
    Thanks for answering, really, its hugely appreciated, I have come to a very weird place, where I have had so many feelings, emotions and nightmares, in the last few days, that I am so exhausted I cant even express it, even to my pysc, and she, and one other person, are the only people I feel able to be truely authentic with. I have tried alcohol, but I cant control that, so I feel this isnt the answer for me, I am glad it worked for you, but "the door" out of this mess I feel is not that way. I am not saying its wrong or controversal, merely that its a path I have explored, and found complicates matters, for me.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  7. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,679
    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2017
    Karma:
    +9,786
    Hey, everyone’s path is different. I hope you find a way that works for you!
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  8. SteveJames0121

    SteveJames0121 New Member

    Messages:
    10
    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2019
    Karma:
    +15
    Thanks, Im trying, I guess thats all we can do at out lowest.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  9. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

    Messages:
    2,144
    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +3,845
    That's tough. My mask is such an internal part of me, l wouldn't know how to tell it to take a hike. Think l have broken it down to: Public persona, private persona. No excuses required. If my private persona goes to work, it really turns into Beavis and Butthead, bad-bad-bad. My coping skill for dealing with my upbringing is to laugh everything away. So my very proper public persona ie., mask, is my goto on my tool belt of uniforms. Maybe you can accept all of you and understand how these masks help you survive maybe? l don't know because l like to blend them together for crazy humor and people laugh at the absurdity of human behavior.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  10. SteveJames0121

    SteveJames0121 New Member

    Messages:
    10
    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2019
    Karma:
    +15
    My guess is that we all have something to deal with, others have multiple things, I am not saying one is better or worse, just different. I try not to judge myself, so I have no way of doing so to anyone I have never met, even the random person that laughs as they look at me, and I misinterpret, yes I understand I have a negative congnative bias, thats in my nature. I feel that after so long, after years of group therapy and finally finding a psyc that "works for a living", I dont want to let all the help I am being given down. So I feel so incredibly guilty that I need to undertsand, find an answer. But everytime I get close, I make a mess of it.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  11. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

    Messages:
    2,144
    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +3,845
    Can you give yourself an answer(s), otherwise searching for the holy grail may never happen. The guilt, l believe you should never feel guilty about getting better as a person, unless hanging out and feeling guilty is your nirvana. I am not knocking that belief system. However, it's okay to rely on yourself minus the guilt. l probably should have more guilt, sadly l don't. Hope this didn't come across offensive in any manner, it's simply a different view with zero judgements.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  12. SteveJames0121

    SteveJames0121 New Member

    Messages:
    10
    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2019
    Karma:
    +15
    Searching is what I do, but you are so right, every time I go down this path it ends in questions, never answers. Your post is in no way offensive, it makes perfect reason. I thank you for your honesty. sincerely.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  13. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,469
    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +9,012
    I could just say ditto to @Aspychata remark. lol
    I'm 62 and I'm not sure where my mask ends and I begin. I've said it over and over, but my insides and outsides have never matched up, which, in itself, makes life hard. But I don't know how to fix it. Actually, it doesn't completely go away when I'm alone, either, because there are still rules that I have to stick to, as if someone could be watching. But I have learned one thing with learning about the autism. All those years I spent in fear, feeling like I was hiding and afraid someone would find me out. I never knew what it was before - just felt like a bad person trying to cover up the best I could (even to myself maybe). Upon learning about autism, I've gone a little easier on myself and a little more accepting of things about me that I always tried to fight and have let up the fight a little. For me, that might be the best I can do.
    I count on humor to survive around anyone and everyone. If I can't make people laugh I'm at a complete loss. One of my problems working all those years, I think - working with some people that had no humor and some that didn't understand mine and it created more problems, but that's all I knew to survive. But when I get into a group of serious people is when I freeze and want to run away as fast as I can - just as soon as I can unfreeze myself. :)
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  14. SteveJames0121

    SteveJames0121 New Member

    Messages:
    10
    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2019
    Karma:
    +15
    OK, huge amount there that I could talk about, firstly, thankyou, Isolating myself is the best and worst thing I always do, last time it ended badly, next week Im going to help in my comunity, its a santa thing, a voluntary thing that scares me, because I will be with people I dont trust, and I seem to be ovely honest in those situations.

    My unconcious rules seem to bind me, its, not great, I can see others difficulty when I am honest, so I stop talking. This is all kind of new to me, even though I knew it, which sounds crazy? I guess I have known longer than I care to admit, I just didnt want to listen to myself.
     
    • Informative Informative x 1
  15. Isadoorian

    Isadoorian Well Known Chat Member, Welcomer of Newcomers V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,649
    Joined:
    May 16, 2018
    Karma:
    +2,660
    Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process! :)
     
    • Like Like x 2
  16. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    167
    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2010
    Karma:
    +233
    I'm interested in your story Steve, welcome to the site.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  17. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    2,773
    Joined:
    May 22, 2017
    Karma:
    +4,966
    Welcome to the forums, Steve.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  18. SteveJames0121

    SteveJames0121 New Member

    Messages:
    10
    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2019
    Karma:
    +15
    Thankyou so much to everyone, Feeling welcome in a strange place, is, well strange.
    If I could add something about not talking, I dont know if this is just me, but a long time ago now, back at Uni days, I used to say things like, ""I have to commit that to memory", it made perfect sense to me, if something, some fact, didnt just go into my head, then I had to "commit it to memory", its difficult to explain, and when I "commit something to memory", the fact remains as an unbreakable fact. For example a fact needed to pass an exam.

    People would look at me like they were confused at best, like I was mad at worst. So i stopped talking, my mask kind of stuck, now my psychiatrist questions if I trust her, and I do, way more than I can explain, lets say top three. But the mask is so ingrained, even now though I want to take it off, its stuck.

    I hope that makes some sense to anyone; looking for how to be, when you cant see other people eyes is difficult.
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2019
    • Like Like x 1
  19. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

    Messages:
    2,144
    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +3,845
    Think maybe you are very empathic and with this curse or gift, you do need time off to recharge because just picking up energy of those around is draining. You need to understand how to not connect because it's unrealistic and your boundaries need to be firmly established.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  20. SteveJames0121

    SteveJames0121 New Member

    Messages:
    10
    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2019
    Karma:
    +15
    I think so, I felt OK enough, then my parents threw me a curve ball, so I spent all night examing it, and then ended up trying to alienate my ex (best friend), and my entire pysc team.
    And now am wondering If I am forcing myself to do something to prove a point, but I am not sure who I am trying to prove that imaginary point to, or if everything that has happened in the last few weeks, should be something I should try to remember, or something I should lose.
    I am so tired, people shouldnt be this tired.