23 year old, self - diagnosed with aspergers

[Queeninshadow]

Hi everyone! I'm 23 year old girl, and very likely an aspie. Never spoke to everyone about it, I just want to share my story with you and some of my thoughts.

Life was always hell for me. Never had friends, people always rejected me, or/and make fun of me. When I was a child, I lived in my own world : I was interested in topics that were atypical for my age and of course, I annoyed other kids, and it took me a while to realise it. I'm also very clumsy and much slower than average person and untalented for any kind of sport, even the most obese girls are faster and more fit. You know how hard is to be the worst kid in all kind of sports in scool? Easy target for bulling. They bullied me constantly so, I became very shy and withdrawn. I never went out in a club, never celebrated new year, and other things normal people do.

The older I am, I have more and more trouble with myself : I already lost one job due to my shyness and withdrawn behaviour and i hate myself for it. I hate myself with passion for not being like any average person, incapable of doing things normal people took for granted. I behave really awkward around people, I often misheard them in conversation, or say something wrong in the wrong time. I'm not witty and I don't have typical sense of humor, so if I tell a joke it turns very awkward. People often provoke me, because of my strange behavior, but I don't know what to say and do in such situations. I can analyse for hours stupid awkward things I've said and done. It drives me crazy, and cause me a lot of frustrations, so I'm trying to avoid any kind of socialising.

My ex - boss even said, It doesn't matter if I don't know my how to do my job, it's most important how I behave. I'm alone with my problem, I don't have any support from my family. My mom said, she always wanted assertive, sociable athletic daughter, as herself, not autistic weirdo like me.

Not a single day passes without suicide thoughts. I don't have any motivation to do things, I'm constantly sleeping in my free time, or doing something useless on the internet. I probably suffer from depression, but I don't have time for a therapy, I'm forced to do a minimum wage job, and therapist only works in the morning. At least i can earn my own money and contribute to my family, so this one of the few positive things in my life. I have a hard time, but I don't want to be jobless burden on anti - depressants, so I take even the worst jobs.

After searching for a while, I finally found a job suitable for my skills and knowledge. They said they will call me for an interview soon. I'm already afraid of it, because one of the requirements are good communication skills. I'm afraid, If I get this job, I will loose it soon because of that. Is there any way I could improve my social skills? I don't have much time, maybe month or two. I don't want to loose another job. I wouldn't stand it.

I also have horrible space orientation. When I'm in new town/ building it took me a while to remember directions. I doubt I will ever be able to drive a car. Is that one of the asperger symptoms?

I don't have sensory overloads, I'm not sensitive to voices, bright lights and textures, I don't have special routine I have to follow everyday, like most of the aspies have to.

Sorry for a long post and bad english. I hope someone will find some time to read my ramblings, and give me some advice

 

[tree]

 

[Nitro]

Hi Queeninshadow

 

[clg114]

Welcome to AutismForums!

 

[Trailblazer24]

Hi Queeninshadow. I can tell you that I've struggled with a lot of the same things you have. I've over-analyzed things, misunderstood people, and have had very few friends. One thing I think has helped me is trying to socialize even if it feels hard or impossible. Find a group of people online that like to do the same things you do. That has helped me quite a bit recently.

As for your family, don't try to live up to your mom's expectations. You aren't her, and you have to set reasonable expectations for yourself. Find support from people that have a similar personality as yours. I hope that helps.

 

[kbb0]

Welcome! I have struggled with a lot of the things you mentioned as well, and though it's never easy (the world just wasn't made for us) with the help of a label to understand yourself better, a community to guide you and celebrate with you and vent with you, and time to figure out your strengths it does get significantly easier. It sounds like you already know a few of your strengths since you found a job suited to them, even if there is one challenge that may present itself. What is it about communicating that you find difficult? Is it figuring out what is polite and what is rude? Or is it that you have trouble using words to convey what you mean? Or maybe you have a hard time understanding what others mean?

 

[Queeninshadow]

Welcome! I have struggled with a lot of the things you mentioned as well, and though it's never easy (the world just wasn't made for us) with the help of a label to understand yourself better, a community to guide you and celebrate with you and vent with you, and time to figure out your strengths it does get significantly easier. It sounds like you already know a few of your strengths since you found a job suited to them, even if there is one challenge that may present itself. What is it about communicating that you find difficult? Is it figuring out what is polite and what is rude? Or is it that you have trouble using words to convey what you mean? Or maybe you have a hard time understanding what others mean?

Yes, I often can't understand what people meant to say, yes, sometimes I offend them. I remember, my co - worker was crying because she had too much job and she couldn't do it properly because she was ill. I told her to go home and take some rest, she was angry, because "I don't undersrand how much job she has, she can't take a rest". I don't know how to approach people if they are crying, for example

 

[Starfire]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[AO1501]

Yes, I often can't understand what people meant to say, yes, sometimes I offend them. I remember, my co - worker was crying because she had too much job and she couldn't do it properly because she was ill. I told her to go home and take some rest, she was angry, because "I don't undersrand how much job she has, she can't take a rest". I don't know how to approach people if they are crying, for example

What you are describing here is very typical for those of us on the autism spectrum, and while knowing - or strongly suspecting - that you are on the spectrum too won't suddenly just 'cure' you of these difficulties, it should help you build a better understanding of yourself and your circumstances to then begin improving your life and life experiences.

That may seem improbable to you as things are right now, but many of us here have experienced similar problems and issues that you are describing, and subsequently discovered they were on the spectrum. In my own case, the knowledge of my ASD made it not just necessary, but possible, to adjust my expectations of myself, to better interact with the world - on my own terms to a much greater degree than I could have without knowing that my oddities and difficulties were all the result of that one thing: ASD.

But there is also another reality, and that is that there will always be problems in interactions with some people, regardless of how hard we all might work to avoid these problems. Language is imperfect, people have moods, sensitivities and insecurities, and different abilities to 'read' what is being said or done - all of which can modify their perception of others' behaviour or comments. Sometimes, when an interaction goes wrong, the best thing to do is simply put it down to the other person failing to get it right because it isn't always us, by any means.

 

[Tom]

Hi & Welcome,
A lot of people are self-diagnosed. It takes time to be sure though. Interacting with other Aspies is a useful part of that analysis I believe. It was important in convincing me.