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Featured 10 "Rude" Things Autistic People Do (And What They Really Mean)

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Hollow Horse, Jul 15, 2020.

  1. Hollow Horse

    Hollow Horse Well-Known Member

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  2. HidinginPlainSight

    HidinginPlainSight Well-Known Member

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    It's hard to really answer. I'm not sure if I'm the best judge of all my behavior. I may think that much of it doesn't apply, yet if you asked someone who knows me they may feel very differently.

    A lot of it falls under the category that if you knew you were doing it then you would stop doing it. I think people in general are oblivious to this sort of personal behavior if they engage in it.
     
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  3. Saphira

    Saphira Well-Known Member

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    I quite liked the article and it reminded my of how far I have come along over the years. It also made me laugh in some sections.

    This guy is still quite young and learning all the time. He is developing what he knows and relays it back online.

    Simple articles like this can help smooth away misunderstandings and I am all for that.
     
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  4. Karamazov

    Karamazov Active Member

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    Well, I definitely do some of those... particularly the volume level of voice (I’m either so quiet people struggle to hear, or very loud without having any awareness of it).
    A couple of others examples, yes that was me when younger: but a helpful human explained there’s a rule.

    Some of them just seem like a normal response to me: of course I want to know the full schedule before I commit to a social engagement, I want to know when the opportunities for hiding for ten minutes peace without messing it up for other folks involved will present themselves, and when I can leave without offending anyone. Why’s that a problem?
     
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  5. Magna

    Magna Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I thought it was good overall. My reactions to the 10 things:

    1 = yes
    2 = yes
    3 = no opinion either way.
    4= no. I guard my personal space very strongly and do not like people touching me. Conversely, I do NOT invade the personal space of others. I want people to keep their distance and vice versa. I do, however have a young niece who is also autistic and she seems to have this problem (e.g. sitting on people, laying over them, touching them, etc).
    5=yes
    6= disagree. Author seems to think that autistic people should get a pass and be allowed to prattle on even if asked to stop. Not stopping a monologue when asked to IS rude.
    7=yes
    8=yes
    9=yes
    10=yes
     
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  6. Hollow Horse

    Hollow Horse Well-Known Member

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    That's good then. I wasn't sure if anyone had seen this article and if it generates a healthy discussion and people's feelings on it then all's fine.
     
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  7. menander

    menander Well-Known Member

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    I did not like it, and here is why. It really pointed out our hypocrisy. Just go with me for a minute and please don't be offended. When I lived with an NT I got it, how they felt. This article is telling people to accept our loudness, rudeness, lateness, dropping appointments, getting into peoples' space, being offensive, etc and yet when THEY do it, WELL, MAN, I HAVE AUTISM----ACCEPT ME!

    NTs have feelings, too. We hate it when people touch us, are loud, mess up our schedule and are rude to us! But somehow we are supposed to elicit their compassion and understanding.

    My close relationship with that NT showed me a lot because they really loved me, but all that was NOT ANY EASIER for them to accept and tolerate than when they wanted to touch me or dropped a pan or whatever and somehow it was more wrong for them to do and less demand that I accept them! Always accept me but never me accept them

    We met in the middle and it worked-----but then they cheated and that was the end :-( But my point is, I REALLY got it, how the same behaviors are the same behaviors and hard on them, too.

    Just from the other side..................
     
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  8. Magna

    Magna Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You bring up some points worth considering. Autistic people shouldn't be exempt from trying to adhere to social rules that are designed toward common courtesy and social order. At the same time, I believe autistic people should be able to choose not to participate in social situations that are confining and produce stress and anxiety.

    I think it depends on the social rule/norm.

    Talking loudly, interrupting someone incessantly, prattling on about a specific special interest when asked to stop or change the subject are not ok to do no matter who the person is.

    Being asked to go attend a social function that NTs typically enjoy and declining because of the stress it would cause or even, frankly, because the person simply doesn't want to and wouldn't be interested in I have no problem with saying that's ok to decline whether it seems rude or not.

    Saying that you "met in the middle" is key. Compromise. Not ok for autistic people to ignore any and all social rules and feel they "get a pass" to do so. Also not ok for the NT world to expect that autistics conform and contort themselves to fit all of their behaviors within the confines of the NT world.
     
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  9. Raggamuffin

    Raggamuffin Well-Known Member

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    I guess it's open to interpretation; as with everything. It'd be nice to have clear cut categories and interpretations, but it's called a spectrum for a reason. I read through the article and I understood why he focused on the 10 topics. For me, that is where the similarities ended - because my interpretations and experiences within these topics was extremely different to the author's. So much so, reading his assumptions was quite irksome.

    Still, I often go back to a moment where a friend described me as "a very particular person." Hits the nail on the head really. Stubborn too - that article referring to talking to a brick wall just made me visualise just how stubborn I often am. It's not that I'm not willing to change, or learn, but I feel like I have to be the instigator of said change. So much time spent in my own company and on introspection - when someone else butts in, it often leaves me feeling like tresspasors should be shot.

    tenor333.gif

    Ed
     
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  10. Els

    Els Well-Known Member

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    I do have the tendencies mentionned (except for invading personal space I think, and rarely for being loud, althrough it can happen if I'm in a loud space because I don't realize that other people don't have the processing issue and do actually hear me while I struggle to hear them).

    I don't know what to think about the article.
    I didn't know what I was doing was that rude. Most of the time for the points that are mentionned I think people tell me about it and I just stop, I never thought it was a personal matter. But it's maybe because for many years I didn't realize where it came from, I thought it was parts of my personality and I needed to adjust. So I just adjusted when someone was telling me something was annoying, like anyone has to do when 2 people are in a relationship I guess. If I laugh at an inappropriate moment and that makes the other person uncomfortable, I apologize, I don't need to be a jerk if I realize something hurted the other person or seems to really matter for them. I wouldn't like to be near a person - autistic or not - who screams in my ears while I tell the person that he/she is making too much noise and I can't stand it. I do care about the fact that it's not intentional, but it would really annoy me and I also exist. Same for physical contact. Intentional or not, there are stuffs people don't have to stand if they clearly state and remind the other one that it's annoying for them. It's just respect and showing consideration. I don't believe people have to accept all of my behaviours - as well as I don't have to accept all theirs.

    That being said, I realized I don't either need to craft my behaviour as much as I used to, but I was doing ONLY almost exclusively that and I was even meeting people just for the sake of practicing (yes, I did that). Crafting and correcting everything. I was doing it too extensively and following everything people were commenting that was "rude" or "disagreeable" for them, but that's not a life. At some point it completely killed my natural drive and authenticity and I was scared to do or say anything, so that's not okay either. Now I try to analyze whether I'm respectful or whether I'm not. If a behaviour someone would reproach me is none of this person's business, I won't bother anymore. Yet I need to bother with respecting the other person if I want to relate to someone, I just think it's showing consideration, I don't need to step on other people's boundaries if they ask me to stop. If I'm hurting them or putting them into bad situations I always try to consider it, but if it's just an unfair comment that isn't disrespectful or impacting the other person in any way, I won't care. Some people want you to shave your body because it's apparently highly horrible for them, or ask gay couples to hide because whatever, or get aggressive because there's a behaviour they just dislike without this to be hurtful for them or crossing any kind of real boundary, that is just BS and abusive behaviour. I try to see whether what I'm doing is just the other person disliking something unfairly and trying to reduce my freedom to exist or if it's really an annoyance and me being disrespectful, otherwise it's really extremely tiring.
    I tend to think that if someone was screaming while I ask to stop, laughing while I tell it's not funny for me, crossing my physical space if I tell I don't want, cancelling a plan last minute while I was getting ready, I really tend to think that's irrespectful, even more if I'm communicating about it. That happens enough in my life already, I don't need to act like that myself. If I do, I think it's just common sense for me to apologize and try to adjust, althrough it asks me efforts to remember to think about it and monitor it and I might not be able to always do that, okay.

    I think there's a middle ground and, well, not everyone can please everyone else either.
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2020
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  11. Hollow Horse

    Hollow Horse Well-Known Member

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    What does that mean? What other side?
     
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  12. Giraffes

    Giraffes Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Ok check out the link and do most of the stuff outlined, so need/ want to be me and be loved and accepted balanced with ‘masking’ me to fit in and be accepted, almost impossible and problematic, best I do is develop my right to be alongside others perspective and try to filter those who judge/ label due to my vulnerability.
     
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  13. HeroOfHyrule

    HeroOfHyrule Chicken Chaser

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    The article is a fine article. The only thing I don't particularly like about it is that they use language that makes it seem like every autistic person experiences these things the same and views them the same way.

    I have experience with some of these issues, but not all of them. Even the things I have experience with I've probably dealt with differently and can be expected by others to do things other autistic people might not be able/willing to do, like the author acting like autistic people will just keep prattling on about their interests. If you ask me to stop talking about something I will make an actual effort to stop talking about it, and people shouldn't be expected to just let me continue to ramble because they've heard autistic people will just keep doing it.
     
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  14. Karamazov

    Karamazov Active Member

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    ^ Yes with the rambling on!
    I don’t notice if people have lost interest/had no interest to begin with: so I do need to be told “it’s time to stop blathering K”, but I don’t carry on regardless after that (always hurts a bit, but that can’t be helped).

    I must confess to struggling to cope with not finishing the sentence I was on though... :oops:

    Odd that it doesn’t mention the super-fast way people shift from subject to subject whilst conversing: that one always throws me and leaves me silent & confused. o_O
     
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  15. Running Girl

    Running Girl Well-Known Member

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    I do some of these, especially talking too loud, which my old mom loved to point out by "shhhhhsh"ing me, after i drove 3 hrs to visit her. Which one of us was rude again?
    I didnt feel the article was condescending, but it didnt seem to allow for the differences between different people on the spectrum. The author did nail it in a few places for me, I'd say.
     
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  16. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Yes, yes, yes again. So like to be able to cancel or walk out and leave because l am anxious. Yes, l want it organized down to the last detail, so l always planned out family vacation but it was always perfect.
    But I don't late to stand to close but l am better at turning off a conversation now.
     
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  17. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    It's a childish and silly article.
     
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  18. Hollow Horse

    Hollow Horse Well-Known Member

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    I got that impression too and of course it simply isn't true.

    Run along and find something else to read then.

    Head-scratch time.
     
  19. Ezra

    Ezra Relax, it's just chaos.

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    1. We don't listen: Auditory processing difficulty.

    2. We seem distrustful: I usually just tag along on shipping trips etc. "I'm going to the mall in couple hours, wanna come with?" "Sure". No prep needed.

    3. We laugh at inappropriate moments: Nope. I might chuckle to myself during a long car ride if I think of something funny or if see something I think is funny.

    4. We space invade: Nope I keep my distance.

    5. We cancel plans at the last minute: Nope I usually stick to the plan.

    6. We seem condesnding: I have experienced people being condescending in autism forums.They say I act antagonistic towards them in response to it.

    7. We're too honest for our own good: Yep. I am too straightforward.

    8. We leave conversations abruptly: Not really applicable to me.

    9. We are loud: Also not really applicable to me.

    10: We don't always follow the rules: True for me.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2020
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  20. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    Most of those things apply to me except for not listening.
    I am a good listener unless my mind starts drifting off onto things of it's own during a long winded story.

    I don't space invade or leave conversations abruptly.

    My speech can become loud without notice if I get really absorbed and excited over something
    being talked about. Otherwise I'm pretty quiet.

    The rest pretty much fit. Especially trust issues.
     
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