Asperger's & Autism Forum

Xinyta

I think it's generally asked to see what 'excuses' people have, so they can be shot down. Unless there is a biological reason for not being able to, society expects it. Even then, the topic of adoption can come up.

It's like the idea of not wanting children is seen as a psychopathic notion. That you MUST somehow, someway, hate children to not want to have any. Even though that largely isn't the case.

AprilR

Its because they cant imagine people with invisible disabilities exist.

Xinyta

I can't argue that. That does seem like a large part of it too.

M

Misty Avich

I think it's disrespectful of people to judge or demand about you not having children. It's ok to ask but not keep on. Thought NTs had empathy and knew how to respect other people's circumstances?

Xinyta

That's what's muddled though. Anyone can be judgemental. NT or ND. This is one of those cases where no one is exactly singled out in this. Though it does mostly seem to come from NTs more.

Though I think the increase in outward judgemental behavior is more a symptom of the current times we are in. In which everyone is at each other's throats for being 'different'.

AprilR

What's even worse is that they ask me "oh what will happen when you got old and have no one to look after you?" LOL imagine having children to ensure having a caregiver. What kind of shamelessness and selfishness is this?

Xinyta

I personally have never got that either.

Though the logic looks to be that having children is considered a 'safety net' in some way because of familial love. Though I think it's on the basis of imposing familial guilt. That and generally self-serving/narcissistic people look to others being in service to thier needs.

I have met older folks that live great, healthy, lives. Disproving this belief.

Aspychata

Plus across my street are two adult children just waiting for their mom to die so they can grab her house. There are no guarantees in life. Plus you stress over them until they get a job. The son doesn't even take the garbage out.

blue_bird

I get asked about marriage a lot. They don't see a disability.they assume that we have the same lives and ambitions, since they don't face the same social barriers. I can't say I'm a nervous mess with no social life,so I just say that when the time is right I'll get married. I don't think it's meant to be judgemental. it just seems strange to them that there is this normal person who is behaving "abnormaly".

oregano

@Xinyta the general idea seems to be that one's children will take care of their parents once the parents are too old and feeble to look after their own affairs. Elon Musk (who has like 10 kids) has said that the childfree are "forcing" other people to take care of them in their old age.

oregano

The bulging dockets of lawyers who handle elder abuse cases should be a stake through the heart of that idea, but it's not. And then of course there are the adult kids who are trying to "throw momma from the train" to get her money/stuff like @Aspychata noted. There is no guarantee that your kids will always love you.

M

Misty Avich

Reading these comments have made me feel more guilty about not having children. I already am in a crisis of a jealous state of my peers for being (mentally) able to grow these little beings in their tummies and produce a family. I feel useless.

AprilR

@oregano: also lets not forget that autism is also genetic, i am p. Sure my father's side of the family is largely neurodiverse. Ofc every autistic person is different but i know for sure that i would not be able to take care of a child who might be like me, or less able to function in society.