Someone reached out to me on a whim that I hadn't interacted with in over a year. Surprised they remembered me at all. Also found out we're the same age and could relate to each other's rocky school experiences. Fun.
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We're a couple months into the year of no new years resolution now. It's emptier in one sense, because I've not been tackling the self improvement business. But it's also felt very full? I'm unoccupied and can throw my whole being into anything that comes my way.
I think I understand why I end up here on occasion. I have no autistic people in my life. I am always needing to explain and justify my behavior, motivations, ideas, the whole lot. And I often need to ask for far more context of others too. It is an isolating feeling in the end so there is here to read about some vague experiences where I really don't need to question the logic. I already understand.
I was watching some folk online play a silly card game with rather loose rules, and I found myself getting upset at the lack of clarity very fast haha. It felt unfair when advantage could be created simply by being more insistent. They played for the fun of it of course, but I couldn't turn off the game-logic side of my head to enjoy it too.
It's been a little bit, I'm still kicking. Today I booked an appointment with the doctor and went there alone for the first time, then embarrassed myself at the pharmacy because it was my first time inside one. Feeling alright though, people are nice here. Bit by bit the things I couldn't do because of a truly crippling anxiety are being chipped away at.
I just cut my finger on my headphones through the sheer force with which I hit an edge on it when hand flapping hahaha
I was wrong lol, this ain't burnout. I realized I can still do things, I simply don't feel like it. I guess that makes it a depressive episode instead. It's almost refreshing to have non-autism related problems. It's a been-there-done-that type of deal too so there's no despair.
Burn out again, body seeks out nocturnal living because this forces minimal interaction and activity. The internet circumvents this strategy a little bit though. I'm sorry body, I just get too lonely too quickly. It's not easy to do nothing, even when it's all you're meant to do.
Slowly falling in love with flying more each time I do it. Spent a lovely 4 days in Copenhagen, it was my first time traveling alone but both the preparation and actual trip were executed to perfection. Feeling powerful haha
Your bi-monthly dose of burn out is here. I'd love to say it's because I've been busy again but I really haven't done anything this time. Or more accurately I haven't done anything for myself. It's more like a fuel leak. I told myself at the start of the year I was going to take days off every weekend, but I simply forgot I was doing so.
In context to my last post, and because I still have no one else to turn to with this, I have decided to ever so slowly make getting a therapist an attainable and desirable course of action for my partner. This is probably the most complex social interaction I've ever had to go through.
Alright wew. Massive 1 hour+ confrontational relationship talk. I soldiered through it. Mostly kept my calm, mostly said what I think were helpful things.
I really shouldn't be the support for some of these things but when you're too scared to even consider a therapist it's not like I'm not gonna try do what I can.
Made a wrong assumption in conversation and ended up hurting someone. Very sad about it, they had enough to deal with as is.
Had a terribly frustrating shut-down that I then literally beat myself out of. Fought myself periodically while doing chores and taking a shower. Whole scenario was so absurd I laughed. I count it as a victory.
some bitcoin phishing scams going around again, I know most people don't fall for these as they rely on you mistaking it for actual bitcoin stuff you're doing but still
careful fellas
Was called "just a little bit insane" today. I do wonder if the "little" was added in to spare my feelings haha.
I had such a busy October that November was entirely spent recovering and sleeping a lot. The price to pay of the boundary crossing mentioned in last post.
Incidentally I wrote some great music this month as a result too. Composition has a weird bond with turmoil.
Still in the burnout, however no outburst seems to be coming. Mindfulness seems to almost completely block it from happening, like how you can't subconsciously stim if you focus. Granted I've been resting up.
I re-read an old short story of mine from 3 years ago. It's the most explicitly written-during-burnout story I have. It's so aggressively against the very idea of feeling things at all. Made me a bit sad. I'm also sad that I still understand it. I almost shut down so I had to put some topics off-limits today, even with my partner. I don't want to think about it right now. -
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