I'd like to share some of the things I've learned from a lifetime of seeing bullies in action, both up close and at a distance. They really are quite interesting (if repulsive) people. Unfortunately there is a lot of BS written about them. This is meant to empower you so that you can learn something about them.
Basically, a bully is a predator, and like any predator, needs prey to live. Therefore, their energies and their attention are directed towards finding prey. I am not saying that every morning a bully leaps out of bed and says, gee, I need to find someone to pick on today, who can I pick on? What I am saying is that bullies have developed a sixth sense about these things and they are constantly on the alert. They may not be thinking about it 24/7 but they are subconsciously scanning the horizon for victim signals. Yes, victim signals. There are things that bullies look for and are quick to pick up on.
Now I have been told that bullies don't have high self-esteem. I think that is a dangerous myth. There are lots of people with poor self-image and confidence who don't go out of their way to bully people. Bullies do what they do because they know that they can get away with it. That doesn't sound like lack of confidence to me. And the reason that they can get away with it is that bullies are in a very real sense society's enforcers. They are willing to do and say the things "polite" people don't say or do openly. Bullies never pick their targets at random. They look for those who are on the fringe, those who are considered second-class, those who nobody really cares about. That is one reason bullying is so hard to eradicate. Because bullies serve a purpose. Nobody likes to talk about it, everyone pretends that that isn't the case, but if society were serious about eliminating bullies it could. When did you last hear of a bully that was shunned and ignored, who had no friends? Bullies work together and have hangers-on. So society really approves of bullying even though it claims otherwise. And that is sending a powerful message to those who are the targets. Yes, if you are being bullied, you have been judged and found lacking. You may find people who will say that they sympathize and that really you do have friends, but you will find DAMN few who will take the step to confront the bullies and make them stop. Why is that? It is because deep down inside they agree with the bully's judgement.
If I were so inclined, I think I could make a pretty good bully. After being bullied for so long I have developed an eye for the kinds of things bullies look for in a victim. You know that advice about "be yourself?" Well, what if "being yourself" makes you socially unacceptable? You never hear anyone talk about that. I am going to go out on a limb and say if "being yourself" makes you socially unacceptable, then maybe you ought to re-evaluate "being yourself." I know people who complain that they have no friends, that they can't get anywhere, but when I make suggestions, they get angry at me and blow me off. How dare you! I don't want to do that! You can't tell me! That's just not me. Meanwhile the bullies are waiting in the wings.
And that is not the worst of it. The worst of it is because the bullies are social, they have connections. They know who to know and how to charm. Isolation does not lead to success. Isolation only leads to isolation.
Listen to the bullies around you. They may very well be telling you things about yourself that the rest of society is too polite or too indifferent to let you know. If a bully is making fun of something that you can change, change it!
Basically, a bully is a predator, and like any predator, needs prey to live. Therefore, their energies and their attention are directed towards finding prey. I am not saying that every morning a bully leaps out of bed and says, gee, I need to find someone to pick on today, who can I pick on? What I am saying is that bullies have developed a sixth sense about these things and they are constantly on the alert. They may not be thinking about it 24/7 but they are subconsciously scanning the horizon for victim signals. Yes, victim signals. There are things that bullies look for and are quick to pick up on.
Now I have been told that bullies don't have high self-esteem. I think that is a dangerous myth. There are lots of people with poor self-image and confidence who don't go out of their way to bully people. Bullies do what they do because they know that they can get away with it. That doesn't sound like lack of confidence to me. And the reason that they can get away with it is that bullies are in a very real sense society's enforcers. They are willing to do and say the things "polite" people don't say or do openly. Bullies never pick their targets at random. They look for those who are on the fringe, those who are considered second-class, those who nobody really cares about. That is one reason bullying is so hard to eradicate. Because bullies serve a purpose. Nobody likes to talk about it, everyone pretends that that isn't the case, but if society were serious about eliminating bullies it could. When did you last hear of a bully that was shunned and ignored, who had no friends? Bullies work together and have hangers-on. So society really approves of bullying even though it claims otherwise. And that is sending a powerful message to those who are the targets. Yes, if you are being bullied, you have been judged and found lacking. You may find people who will say that they sympathize and that really you do have friends, but you will find DAMN few who will take the step to confront the bullies and make them stop. Why is that? It is because deep down inside they agree with the bully's judgement.
If I were so inclined, I think I could make a pretty good bully. After being bullied for so long I have developed an eye for the kinds of things bullies look for in a victim. You know that advice about "be yourself?" Well, what if "being yourself" makes you socially unacceptable? You never hear anyone talk about that. I am going to go out on a limb and say if "being yourself" makes you socially unacceptable, then maybe you ought to re-evaluate "being yourself." I know people who complain that they have no friends, that they can't get anywhere, but when I make suggestions, they get angry at me and blow me off. How dare you! I don't want to do that! You can't tell me! That's just not me. Meanwhile the bullies are waiting in the wings.
And that is not the worst of it. The worst of it is because the bullies are social, they have connections. They know who to know and how to charm. Isolation does not lead to success. Isolation only leads to isolation.
Listen to the bullies around you. They may very well be telling you things about yourself that the rest of society is too polite or too indifferent to let you know. If a bully is making fun of something that you can change, change it!
