ETA: I missed a line here...
I've already canceled and then UNcancelled, my next appointment with psych and appointment with new neuro- both next week.
These actions were not like, "nothing is wrong [why aren't you asking me what is wrong?!]" kind of thing. They are avoidance type compensation, how I deal with rumination, obsession, fear.
But, i was trying to like, not give in to that. So I told them I 'made a mistake' and to please reaffirm those appointments. I IMMEDIATELY had a fear response.
ok, alright.
uh... so now I've been like, on constant freak out. Even when not freaking out, freaking out haha.
I got to see babies today, though so that dulled the roar temporarily. yay babies.
Only, now it's just getting to the point where my response to the trigger of having an appointment is to CANCEL THE DAMN APPOINTMENT. No, it's ok to laugh.
I've been trying to talk it out and come up with some sort of plan with Nal [BF] and I was like [via IM] "I am trying to not freak out right now but I am currently so freaked out I am typing to yyou withouth looking and crying with head buried in blanket, not looking at screen..."
And thinking about that, it's kind of a... thing where you go "huh" and look at that weird no-space that is like up and to the side of your head, in the air... where there is never actually anything floating that could possibly provide you any inspiration or sudden answer.
So I think about that, and also how my roommate asking if I had seen some cups, and also that i wasn't sure about whether or not i had some cups [all three things] had made me just flip out totally...
What is the plan here? I need to get to appointments, to have appointments.
I decided to not try to cancel a second time. Because that's then just setting me up, makes sense. It's actively missing appointment.
I'm worried I won't go. NOT because i don't want to- please understand.
Because I can't get there and utterly flip out.
Because it's not guaranteed I will actually make it through my own front door right now. Issue being also that my biggest OCD compensation is to avoid, basically.
So, I could cancel the appintment, but chacnes of me ever calling to make anotehr appointment would be slim.
This is not planned behavior, but these are things I'm kind of afraid of. I undersad it can be really hard to "get". I want to go, why not just go?
If you are drowning, you want to breathe, why not just breathe?
Maybe that helps.
I' not drowning, but... it's starting to seem like maybe it's a better idea to just stay in my room until July, where I go stay with a friend at the beach with Nal. When I got upset tonight I couldn't just leave everything- my roommate, my living situation, etc etc. That inability to do that, to take those actions, that helpless feeling?
painful.
I got new brushes though. Painting with tiny brushes is kind of meditative. I wish I'd done more of that today. But hey, new trick for tomorrow.
I've already canceled and then UNcancelled, my next appointment with psych and appointment with new neuro- both next week.
These actions were not like, "nothing is wrong [why aren't you asking me what is wrong?!]" kind of thing. They are avoidance type compensation, how I deal with rumination, obsession, fear.
But, i was trying to like, not give in to that. So I told them I 'made a mistake' and to please reaffirm those appointments. I IMMEDIATELY had a fear response.
ok, alright.
uh... so now I've been like, on constant freak out. Even when not freaking out, freaking out haha.
I got to see babies today, though so that dulled the roar temporarily. yay babies.
Only, now it's just getting to the point where my response to the trigger of having an appointment is to CANCEL THE DAMN APPOINTMENT. No, it's ok to laugh.
I've been trying to talk it out and come up with some sort of plan with Nal [BF] and I was like [via IM] "I am trying to not freak out right now but I am currently so freaked out I am typing to yyou withouth looking and crying with head buried in blanket, not looking at screen..."
And thinking about that, it's kind of a... thing where you go "huh" and look at that weird no-space that is like up and to the side of your head, in the air... where there is never actually anything floating that could possibly provide you any inspiration or sudden answer.
So I think about that, and also how my roommate asking if I had seen some cups, and also that i wasn't sure about whether or not i had some cups [all three things] had made me just flip out totally...
What is the plan here? I need to get to appointments, to have appointments.
I decided to not try to cancel a second time. Because that's then just setting me up, makes sense. It's actively missing appointment.
I'm worried I won't go. NOT because i don't want to- please understand.
Because I can't get there and utterly flip out.
Because it's not guaranteed I will actually make it through my own front door right now. Issue being also that my biggest OCD compensation is to avoid, basically.
So, I could cancel the appintment, but chacnes of me ever calling to make anotehr appointment would be slim.
This is not planned behavior, but these are things I'm kind of afraid of. I undersad it can be really hard to "get". I want to go, why not just go?
If you are drowning, you want to breathe, why not just breathe?
Maybe that helps.
I' not drowning, but... it's starting to seem like maybe it's a better idea to just stay in my room until July, where I go stay with a friend at the beach with Nal. When I got upset tonight I couldn't just leave everything- my roommate, my living situation, etc etc. That inability to do that, to take those actions, that helpless feeling?
painful.
I got new brushes though. Painting with tiny brushes is kind of meditative. I wish I'd done more of that today. But hey, new trick for tomorrow.
