Earlier this week I posted about a pending date with a woman with whom I’ve been mailing on and off for the past few months. I’ve gotten to quite like her over a variety of factors. I didn’t see a picture of her before so it was pretty much a “blind date” for me. And that in turn made it a bit more interesting for me, since I gotten to like someone without the superficial “she looks hot/gorgeous/sexy/nice” notion going around in my head. It seems that’s often one of the criteria for dating of some sort with someone.
So, this week we finally found a place and time to meet up and went out for a coffee (and another one)… and yes, I’ll spare you any double entrendres about muffins.
We had a great conversation for easily 3 hours in one go without really going on about topics that actually got us together (we met on a forum through a mutual interest). As it seems she was studying at the university, lived in the same city we decided to meet up and more of the generic stuff, that for some reason, in the past 5 months never really came up cause we were having a lot of fun with the most random topics and conversations through the forums private messaging system.
So, as with most situations where people decide to get closer, we exchanged phone numbers before we met up, just so we could text or phone so we wouldn’t miss out on each other when meeting. Granted, I’m not hard to miss, but since I didn’t know what she looked like I suppose it’s a bit up to her to seek me out, still she’d need a phone number.
Aaaaaaaanyway…
The next morning after our coffeedate I got a message in the earliest of morning when I was barely snoozing where she told me she’d rather keep some distance and I reminded her about her ex-boyfriend a lot. And the topic of ex-boyfriends (as well as my ex-girlfriends) did come up during our online exchanges and she did tell me she wasn’t really sure how she felt about her ex-boyfriend, implying she wasn’t really over it. And that’s pretty much why she wanted to keep distance with me as well.
Now… I won’t push it and I’ll silently accept it (but I will analyze the f*** out of it in a blog like this, lol). I won’t argue it, since I don’t have to have an argument over everything. Yes, I can be a riot, but even I need my peace and quiet.
So, it made me think of something else in the process, last night as I was at the gym. Because; at the gym, I rather think about this stuff than making sure I don’t drop anything on my feet… ouch!
What I realized about this particular woman (and I might be totally wrong here) from an aspie point of view is something quite interesting.
Most of us know how “eye for detail and missing the big picture” is something that’s pretty much a part of being on the spectrum.
See, her “rejection” in my mind is exactly her seeing a big picture. To her, the combination of a lot of things I do (and don’t) reminds her of someone else, rather than looking at the best qualities some individual has. And honestly, it’s not the first time I realized something when I was dating someone (or something of that nature). The inherent focus of the big picture and deciding “it’s not right” because of that big picture is something I can’t get into.
I’m willing to say that she’d even got in contact with me over those same qualities she found in her ex-boyfriend subconsciously and only realized this 5 months later after we met in person for the first time. Yeah… I reckon that’s a rude awakening for her.
For me, as an aspie I tend to focus on details, on personality traits, that entice me enough to be around someone and take the best qualities and enjoy those. Perhaps it’s why I tend to get along with aspies very well. Rather than seeing people as a fully fleshed out thing exclusively, I can, but don’t neccesarily only, focus on the most pleasant qualities while leaving the less pleasing ones at bay. It doesn’t mean I have a total lack of seeing someone as the person he/she is. Probably comes down the notion of “all X are Y but not all Y are X”.
While listening to a song by Eminem the other day I got thinking about something that adds up to this story here. In his song Rap god, he pretty much says that considering all the “bad luck” with women it’s not weird he’s that bitter, and if people would just put that in perspective they would be a bit more sympathetic about his view on women.
If I were to go on to see the big picture with my experience with ex-girlfriends, I would be so utterly despicable and would harbor a really bitter hatred for anything female. Some members on this forum know some of my personal situations with women I had, but still I date women, perhaps because I can, and perhaps even have, the ability to let go of that big picture and look at pleasing qualities way, way easier than some people not on the spectrum.
I reckon the “disability to see the big picture” actually has a pretty good redeeming quality to it, even if it is not to give up all hope when it comes to dating and even “regular” social interaction.
So, this week we finally found a place and time to meet up and went out for a coffee (and another one)… and yes, I’ll spare you any double entrendres about muffins.
We had a great conversation for easily 3 hours in one go without really going on about topics that actually got us together (we met on a forum through a mutual interest). As it seems she was studying at the university, lived in the same city we decided to meet up and more of the generic stuff, that for some reason, in the past 5 months never really came up cause we were having a lot of fun with the most random topics and conversations through the forums private messaging system.
So, as with most situations where people decide to get closer, we exchanged phone numbers before we met up, just so we could text or phone so we wouldn’t miss out on each other when meeting. Granted, I’m not hard to miss, but since I didn’t know what she looked like I suppose it’s a bit up to her to seek me out, still she’d need a phone number.
Aaaaaaaanyway…
The next morning after our coffeedate I got a message in the earliest of morning when I was barely snoozing where she told me she’d rather keep some distance and I reminded her about her ex-boyfriend a lot. And the topic of ex-boyfriends (as well as my ex-girlfriends) did come up during our online exchanges and she did tell me she wasn’t really sure how she felt about her ex-boyfriend, implying she wasn’t really over it. And that’s pretty much why she wanted to keep distance with me as well.
Now… I won’t push it and I’ll silently accept it (but I will analyze the f*** out of it in a blog like this, lol). I won’t argue it, since I don’t have to have an argument over everything. Yes, I can be a riot, but even I need my peace and quiet.
So, it made me think of something else in the process, last night as I was at the gym. Because; at the gym, I rather think about this stuff than making sure I don’t drop anything on my feet… ouch!
What I realized about this particular woman (and I might be totally wrong here) from an aspie point of view is something quite interesting.
Most of us know how “eye for detail and missing the big picture” is something that’s pretty much a part of being on the spectrum.
See, her “rejection” in my mind is exactly her seeing a big picture. To her, the combination of a lot of things I do (and don’t) reminds her of someone else, rather than looking at the best qualities some individual has. And honestly, it’s not the first time I realized something when I was dating someone (or something of that nature). The inherent focus of the big picture and deciding “it’s not right” because of that big picture is something I can’t get into.
I’m willing to say that she’d even got in contact with me over those same qualities she found in her ex-boyfriend subconsciously and only realized this 5 months later after we met in person for the first time. Yeah… I reckon that’s a rude awakening for her.
For me, as an aspie I tend to focus on details, on personality traits, that entice me enough to be around someone and take the best qualities and enjoy those. Perhaps it’s why I tend to get along with aspies very well. Rather than seeing people as a fully fleshed out thing exclusively, I can, but don’t neccesarily only, focus on the most pleasant qualities while leaving the less pleasing ones at bay. It doesn’t mean I have a total lack of seeing someone as the person he/she is. Probably comes down the notion of “all X are Y but not all Y are X”.
While listening to a song by Eminem the other day I got thinking about something that adds up to this story here. In his song Rap god, he pretty much says that considering all the “bad luck” with women it’s not weird he’s that bitter, and if people would just put that in perspective they would be a bit more sympathetic about his view on women.
If I were to go on to see the big picture with my experience with ex-girlfriends, I would be so utterly despicable and would harbor a really bitter hatred for anything female. Some members on this forum know some of my personal situations with women I had, but still I date women, perhaps because I can, and perhaps even have, the ability to let go of that big picture and look at pleasing qualities way, way easier than some people not on the spectrum.
I reckon the “disability to see the big picture” actually has a pretty good redeeming quality to it, even if it is not to give up all hope when it comes to dating and even “regular” social interaction.
