After a bit of a back and forth with my careercoach and therapist I've come to the point where they think I cannot make choices. Perhaps they're right.
Here's the thing though; I can easily tell what I don't want (which IMO is a choice as well). It just takes a bit longer to eliminate everything you don't want. That's obviously a bit of an issue since... well, life has a set clock. I don't have 500 years to explore everything and see what I don't want. Not to mention things bring expenses, so going on about what I don't want is a costly endevour.
It's not that I can't make choices at all I think; I make plenty of choices every day. However, they're not really choices that make a huge impact. But choosing if you want Pepsi or Sprite, and making a consicious choice over the flavor of said softdrink, still is a choice.
Further down the line, last month I bought a new guitar, and obviously it was a choice to buy a new guitar, to settle with the amount of strings on said guitar, settle with the color and so on. For the money spent, it should be a properly considered choice.
In the past I've burnt my fingers way too often in making a bad choice, which was carefully considered first. Back in 2006 when I signed up for journalism school I thought that would be a great career. Almost 8 years later, I'm still scarred by the notion of "news", I don't feel any affinity with newspapers in general anymore and I have a way more "I don't care what's going on in the world today" attitude ever since. I guess one can call it trauma from being exposed to something that's probably way, way more toxic than it should've been. Why my mind processes these things that way... beats me. Perhaps the negatives for me outweigh the positives (and even if I try really hard, I can barely find a positive, let alone make it feel more important and worthwhile).
Hence, my process of choice means I need to burn my fingers to exclude it.
An underlying issue apparently is; my therapist is about to finish up my sessions because I can't be helped. Unless I have a clear goal in what I want, they can't offer me a thing.
I liked how she told me that my situation is like "walking into the Baker's and telling him; I don't really feel like eating bread, what should I eat today?".
Yeah, that behaviour doesn't make a lick of sense. However, in defense against that analogy; I'm not going to the Baker's for that. I feel that in my situation, I'm being sent there. Expectations have been put upon me, as a member of society and the notion that I should be contributing. And now they berate me for not having a clue what I should do with my life.
Furthermore; if I give them a rough outline of what I want in life. I'm being told "well, that's not realistic".
And that's why making choices might be hard. Making choices is one thing, but making viable, sustainable, affordable and realistic choices... too many variables. Beep! Beep Does not compute!
Taking all the variables out again;
All things considered; Do I know what I want in life? I think I do, be it in a passive way.
The frightening part is; when I'm taking a turn and knowing what I want in a pro-active way. I'll get there... but it also means that I have a mindset that's pretty much "I will kill to get what I want". It's the same kind of zeal to reach my goal as a suicide bomber... excuse the morbid analogy. Perhaps it's good I don't have a clear goal right now, since I'm sure it would hurt a lot more people around me and backs will get broken and teeth cracked.
Going back from my fundamentalist view to achieve goals, back to those variables quickly. When I asked my therapist as well as my coach; "how about you help me figure out what's realistic to achieve in my situation.". They were stumped... it's the kind of question they cannot deal with. Beep! beep! Does not compute!
(PS; thus far I haven't regretted buying that guitar)
Here's the thing though; I can easily tell what I don't want (which IMO is a choice as well). It just takes a bit longer to eliminate everything you don't want. That's obviously a bit of an issue since... well, life has a set clock. I don't have 500 years to explore everything and see what I don't want. Not to mention things bring expenses, so going on about what I don't want is a costly endevour.
It's not that I can't make choices at all I think; I make plenty of choices every day. However, they're not really choices that make a huge impact. But choosing if you want Pepsi or Sprite, and making a consicious choice over the flavor of said softdrink, still is a choice.
Further down the line, last month I bought a new guitar, and obviously it was a choice to buy a new guitar, to settle with the amount of strings on said guitar, settle with the color and so on. For the money spent, it should be a properly considered choice.
In the past I've burnt my fingers way too often in making a bad choice, which was carefully considered first. Back in 2006 when I signed up for journalism school I thought that would be a great career. Almost 8 years later, I'm still scarred by the notion of "news", I don't feel any affinity with newspapers in general anymore and I have a way more "I don't care what's going on in the world today" attitude ever since. I guess one can call it trauma from being exposed to something that's probably way, way more toxic than it should've been. Why my mind processes these things that way... beats me. Perhaps the negatives for me outweigh the positives (and even if I try really hard, I can barely find a positive, let alone make it feel more important and worthwhile).
Hence, my process of choice means I need to burn my fingers to exclude it.
An underlying issue apparently is; my therapist is about to finish up my sessions because I can't be helped. Unless I have a clear goal in what I want, they can't offer me a thing.
I liked how she told me that my situation is like "walking into the Baker's and telling him; I don't really feel like eating bread, what should I eat today?".
Yeah, that behaviour doesn't make a lick of sense. However, in defense against that analogy; I'm not going to the Baker's for that. I feel that in my situation, I'm being sent there. Expectations have been put upon me, as a member of society and the notion that I should be contributing. And now they berate me for not having a clue what I should do with my life.
Furthermore; if I give them a rough outline of what I want in life. I'm being told "well, that's not realistic".
And that's why making choices might be hard. Making choices is one thing, but making viable, sustainable, affordable and realistic choices... too many variables. Beep! Beep Does not compute!
Taking all the variables out again;
All things considered; Do I know what I want in life? I think I do, be it in a passive way.
The frightening part is; when I'm taking a turn and knowing what I want in a pro-active way. I'll get there... but it also means that I have a mindset that's pretty much "I will kill to get what I want". It's the same kind of zeal to reach my goal as a suicide bomber... excuse the morbid analogy. Perhaps it's good I don't have a clear goal right now, since I'm sure it would hurt a lot more people around me and backs will get broken and teeth cracked.
Going back from my fundamentalist view to achieve goals, back to those variables quickly. When I asked my therapist as well as my coach; "how about you help me figure out what's realistic to achieve in my situation.". They were stumped... it's the kind of question they cannot deal with. Beep! beep! Does not compute!
(PS; thus far I haven't regretted buying that guitar)
