After yesterday’s blog I posted about choices I had a sudden moment of clarity. I have these moments from time to time… out of nothing. One thought becomes the next… and I had it when reading a comicbook; one, I didn’t like (which is why I stopped reading it and writing here). So maybe what set my process off is the notion of finding something I don’t like… again.
It dawned upon me that my brain is such a snob, such a connoisseur, that easily over 75% of the things fired at it don’t connect to me. I guess I can be blessed that speech, communication, language and all that work for me otherwise I might very well be mute. And when I say, they don’t connect with me, I’m not saying “I just don’t like it”. I really, do not have the slightest understanding of what I’m looking at. It’s why, despite wanting to watch movies regularly, it’s often a chore where I turn them off because it’s the utmost confusing thing for me.
I’m really happy if I find things I connect with, things I enjoy and as a result I tend to excel in these. At least, I perform above average in these things. I once rambled on about how there are some skills in me that might be more akin to savant skills. That’s probably an overstatement, but still, the train of thought is easy to be linked to the notion I just addressed. My frame of functioning and being pretty good at a handful of things is because they connect with me most… or, because they connect at all. And that’s pretty much how a savant brain works as well. To most their mind is so wired and focused on this one specific thing they are really good at it. To them I might be a jack of all trades, master of none, to plenty of “normal” folks I might still be considered really skilled in a handful of things… and a failure in a lot of other things.
I’m sure this stretches to a big spectrum in life. If people ask me what my skills are I can give them a short rundown of things I’ve been told I was pretty adept in. Miniature painting is something I have been told to be really decent in. And even here, I know that certain styles of models and thus suitable styles are more my forte… so really, that’s how narrow the frame is. I’m already good at a niche, and within that niche, I’m even more specific.
Similarly, I’ve been told I can do some really cool stuff with music. I was in bands in the past, I did my thing. The main thing I brought to the table was my unique view and approach. And while everyone is unique in its own right, it’s… to paraphrase multiple people with whom I collaborated “you’re a bit more unique than others”. I’m really not a great person to collaborate with, but for some reason a handful of people thought that my stubbornness was a good trade-off for the fresh approach I brought to the creative process.
Want a funny example of what works for me? I once was in the bus, a woman got in and for some reason motivated me enough to take my iPad out of my bag (I never leave home without it) and started working on music through some music apps I have on there. My creative process be set off by just seeing a random, attractive, person. Those were 10 great minutes. Also a good reason why public transport is better for me, lol.
Similarly, I once was in the park, sat on the bench bent on writing some stuff and clearing my head out. By now I’ve found that certain angles from certain benches just trigger me more to get my thoughts out. I’m not much outgoing to sit in the park, otherwise I can totally see these Sheldon-esque situation arise where I ask people to move since they’re in my spot… that’s the curveball my brain apparently throws me all the time.
I feel my brain is reverse engineered for functioning.
For me to do something, to be somewhere, I need to have all resources at the ready. However, for most people life works the other way. Work hard and you’ll get somewhere. I need to be somewhere to remotely be able function.
This kinda puts a limit on how functional I’ll be as a person… now, and in the future I feel.
Add in that; at this age, I’ve come to a bit of a problem. I’m way, way too tired to even start thinking about what I want. The frame is so small, the skills I might have are so limited and my mind just doesn’t operate the way it apparently should. My mind kinda works on this “let’s fire options at it and hope something sticks” approach. If it’s only a hobby or leisure activity thing, a thing can be said about “well, figure some fun things out in life when you have the time”. Granted, it would be an exhausting and depressing venture. It’s when responsibilities put you on the spot that you have to function, it’s a problem… my mind just goes “$#$)*#$)(*$#)(*#”. It’s like waking up on mars… it’s a sense of utter confusion, while trying to find some solace and safety in the things you do know. Something not particularly odd in terms of human behavior.
It makes me wonder how adaptable I am. Honestly, I don’t think I am. At all. I’m stubborn and probably pretty vocal about it. I’m not changing.
On the other hand; I can adapt, as it seems, but just not when it’s imposed. There are plenty of “changes in plans” and they never upset me. They were often intrinsic, often pre-planned, well considered. They are choices I supported 100% and those are choices I consciously made. That’s how I make choices, by supporting them, by being informed, by having the right feeling about them. If I have to make a choice because “you’re doing it wrong, do something about it” I’m pulling straws on my way to another failure or setback. It’s the situation I was in every time around the summer in my early 20’s, when I dropped out of school, had no real plan and just figured “let’s apply for another year somewhere, get a student loan and I’ll see…”
Thinking back about that, while writing this, something that comes to mind now, which I guess is fairly interesting.
All the years I’ve “escaped” back to school, one could say “you’re running away”. And perhaps I was. But what exactly am I running away from? Responsibilities in life? If so; as it turns out, and even therapists have pointed it out, I’m really not the most functional person to deal with responsibilities people my age do. So with that I wonder, was I really running away? Most likely, it was a plan all along to buy myself time to figure out what works and what doesn’t… I just was a bit short on time. Being “adult” in every sense of the word doesn’t apply to me, nor will it ever I think. It’s not that I have no notion of being responsible; if I was, I’d probably ended up with kids already… contracted a handful of STD’s, burnt the house down… and I might have been in prison. But the idea that I might’ve been running from responsibilities while I’m clearly not ready for those responsibilities is the worst argument anyone could hold against me. Luckily it’s just myself, so I don’t have to sock someone in the nose over it. But I guess it’s worth wondering.. anyone who reads this. If people tell you, you’re running away from responsibilities, can these people confirm that you’re actually ready (or ever will be) to deal with that pressure?
It dawned upon me that my brain is such a snob, such a connoisseur, that easily over 75% of the things fired at it don’t connect to me. I guess I can be blessed that speech, communication, language and all that work for me otherwise I might very well be mute. And when I say, they don’t connect with me, I’m not saying “I just don’t like it”. I really, do not have the slightest understanding of what I’m looking at. It’s why, despite wanting to watch movies regularly, it’s often a chore where I turn them off because it’s the utmost confusing thing for me.
I’m really happy if I find things I connect with, things I enjoy and as a result I tend to excel in these. At least, I perform above average in these things. I once rambled on about how there are some skills in me that might be more akin to savant skills. That’s probably an overstatement, but still, the train of thought is easy to be linked to the notion I just addressed. My frame of functioning and being pretty good at a handful of things is because they connect with me most… or, because they connect at all. And that’s pretty much how a savant brain works as well. To most their mind is so wired and focused on this one specific thing they are really good at it. To them I might be a jack of all trades, master of none, to plenty of “normal” folks I might still be considered really skilled in a handful of things… and a failure in a lot of other things.
I’m sure this stretches to a big spectrum in life. If people ask me what my skills are I can give them a short rundown of things I’ve been told I was pretty adept in. Miniature painting is something I have been told to be really decent in. And even here, I know that certain styles of models and thus suitable styles are more my forte… so really, that’s how narrow the frame is. I’m already good at a niche, and within that niche, I’m even more specific.
Similarly, I’ve been told I can do some really cool stuff with music. I was in bands in the past, I did my thing. The main thing I brought to the table was my unique view and approach. And while everyone is unique in its own right, it’s… to paraphrase multiple people with whom I collaborated “you’re a bit more unique than others”. I’m really not a great person to collaborate with, but for some reason a handful of people thought that my stubbornness was a good trade-off for the fresh approach I brought to the creative process.
Want a funny example of what works for me? I once was in the bus, a woman got in and for some reason motivated me enough to take my iPad out of my bag (I never leave home without it) and started working on music through some music apps I have on there. My creative process be set off by just seeing a random, attractive, person. Those were 10 great minutes. Also a good reason why public transport is better for me, lol.
Similarly, I once was in the park, sat on the bench bent on writing some stuff and clearing my head out. By now I’ve found that certain angles from certain benches just trigger me more to get my thoughts out. I’m not much outgoing to sit in the park, otherwise I can totally see these Sheldon-esque situation arise where I ask people to move since they’re in my spot… that’s the curveball my brain apparently throws me all the time.
I feel my brain is reverse engineered for functioning.
For me to do something, to be somewhere, I need to have all resources at the ready. However, for most people life works the other way. Work hard and you’ll get somewhere. I need to be somewhere to remotely be able function.
This kinda puts a limit on how functional I’ll be as a person… now, and in the future I feel.
Add in that; at this age, I’ve come to a bit of a problem. I’m way, way too tired to even start thinking about what I want. The frame is so small, the skills I might have are so limited and my mind just doesn’t operate the way it apparently should. My mind kinda works on this “let’s fire options at it and hope something sticks” approach. If it’s only a hobby or leisure activity thing, a thing can be said about “well, figure some fun things out in life when you have the time”. Granted, it would be an exhausting and depressing venture. It’s when responsibilities put you on the spot that you have to function, it’s a problem… my mind just goes “$#$)*#$)(*$#)(*#”. It’s like waking up on mars… it’s a sense of utter confusion, while trying to find some solace and safety in the things you do know. Something not particularly odd in terms of human behavior.
It makes me wonder how adaptable I am. Honestly, I don’t think I am. At all. I’m stubborn and probably pretty vocal about it. I’m not changing.
On the other hand; I can adapt, as it seems, but just not when it’s imposed. There are plenty of “changes in plans” and they never upset me. They were often intrinsic, often pre-planned, well considered. They are choices I supported 100% and those are choices I consciously made. That’s how I make choices, by supporting them, by being informed, by having the right feeling about them. If I have to make a choice because “you’re doing it wrong, do something about it” I’m pulling straws on my way to another failure or setback. It’s the situation I was in every time around the summer in my early 20’s, when I dropped out of school, had no real plan and just figured “let’s apply for another year somewhere, get a student loan and I’ll see…”
Thinking back about that, while writing this, something that comes to mind now, which I guess is fairly interesting.
All the years I’ve “escaped” back to school, one could say “you’re running away”. And perhaps I was. But what exactly am I running away from? Responsibilities in life? If so; as it turns out, and even therapists have pointed it out, I’m really not the most functional person to deal with responsibilities people my age do. So with that I wonder, was I really running away? Most likely, it was a plan all along to buy myself time to figure out what works and what doesn’t… I just was a bit short on time. Being “adult” in every sense of the word doesn’t apply to me, nor will it ever I think. It’s not that I have no notion of being responsible; if I was, I’d probably ended up with kids already… contracted a handful of STD’s, burnt the house down… and I might have been in prison. But the idea that I might’ve been running from responsibilities while I’m clearly not ready for those responsibilities is the worst argument anyone could hold against me. Luckily it’s just myself, so I don’t have to sock someone in the nose over it. But I guess it’s worth wondering.. anyone who reads this. If people tell you, you’re running away from responsibilities, can these people confirm that you’re actually ready (or ever will be) to deal with that pressure?
